Scene 2
(a rather dirty Allanian village that has apparently been stricken by some plague or other natural disaster. A young scrumptiously-handsome blonde man is wheeling a cart full of dead bodies.)

Cecil: Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead!

Naba: Here's one -- nine pence.

Tessius: I'm not dead! I've been gone for ten years and supposedly killed by bandits, but I'm NOT dead! It's a conspiracy! I have enemies! They wanted to keep me out of the OAVs and TV series! It's not fair!

(Backstage the director mutters to herself that Tessius is dead, he was dead in the manga, the TV series, and the vastly superior OAV, though he did die in a different way in the manga.)

Cecil: What?

Naba: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.

Tessius: I'm not dead!

Cecil: Here -- he says he's not dead!

Naba: Yes, he is.

Tessius: I'm not!

Cecil: He isn't.

Naba: Well, he will be soon, he's badly wounded.

Tessius: I'm getting better!

Naba: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.

Cecil: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.

Tessius: I don't want to go in the cart! I want to find my son.

(Backstage the director wishes that Tessius would learn to stay on script.)

Naba: Oh, don't be such a baby.

Cecil: I can't take him . . . .

Tessius: I feel fine!

Naba: Oh, do us a favor . . . .

Cecil: I can't.

Naba: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

Cecil: Naaah, I got to go on to Orson's -- they've lost nine today.

Naba: Well, when is your next round?

Cecil: Thursday.

Tessius: I think I'll go for a walk.

Naba: You're not fooling anyone y'know. You died ten years ago when you either decided to take on thirty bandits yourself while leaving your post or when you rescued a princess from being dragon munchies. Shut up. (to Cecil) Look, isn't there something you can do?

Tessius: I feel happy . . . I feel happy. (whop -- that was Cecil's nice big staff--I did not mean to be dirty! honest!--on Tessius' thick skull -- hey, Parn had to get it from somewhere!)

Naba: Ah, thanks very much.

Cecil: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

Naba: Right.

(clop clop -- King Kashue and Shadam gallop past.)

Cecil: Who's that then?

Naba: I don't know.

Cecil: Must be a king.

Naba: Why?

Cecil: He hasn't got shit all over him.