WARNING- THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SEVERE RAOUL BASHING…LITERALLY. IF YOU LIKE RAOUL, PLEASE NOT LIKE HIM FOR THIS CHAPTER AND READ^__^ THANK YOU!
IT'S THE DISCLAIMER!!! I do not own Phantom of The Opera. *tries to think of something mildly amusing but fails again* damm-nit why does that always happen! I'm here to entertain you people!!!___
*in fanfiction limbo*
Erik- WhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristine whendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristine
whendoIgetChristine WhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristine
whendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristine
whendoIgetChristine WhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristine
whendoIgetChristinewhendoIget*gasp*ChristinewhendoIgetChristine
whendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristineWhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristine
whendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIget
ChristinewhendoIgetChristineWhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristine whendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIget
ChristinewhendoIgetChristineWhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIget
ChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIgetChristinewhendoIget
ChristinewhendoIgetChristine?????
Kippo-Girl- Eeerrr…^_^; To tell you the truth I don't know…
Erik-WHAT??!!
Kippo-Girl- weel Erik…I have to come clean with you… Pleasedon'tkillmebutIhavenoauthoresspowerssoIcan'tmakeChristinefallhopelessly
inlovewithyousoyoucanlivehappilyeverafterinblisswithhersopleasedon'tkillmeeventho'
youprobablyaregoingtoanywaysoI'mgonnarunawaynowBYYYEEEE!!! AAAAIIIIIIEEEEE
*Runs like the dickens*
Erik- SO I SANG THAT STUPID HOT DOG SONG FOR NOTHING???!!!!! *Brain snap!!!* AAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!! *Runs after Kippo-Girl faster than the dickens*
Kippo-Girl- *crying and trying to fun faster than Erik who runs faster than the dickens* AAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER YOU DIDN'T SING THE OSCAR MEYER WIENER SONG FOR NOTHING AND YOU MIGHT STILL GET CHRISTINE AT THE END IF YOU DON'T KILL MEEEEEEE!!!!!
Erik- *continuing to fun faster than the dickens so is catching up to the not running as fast as Erik Kippo-Girl…man this joke is dying^_^* AHA! MORE OF YOUR BRAIN TRICKERY!! You fail to mention that I have an equally equal chance at getting Christine even if I kill you! Whether you are dead or not doesn't matter!!!
Kippo-Girl- OH EXCREMENT!!! *Sees a Red Bull vending machine* AHA!! *Quickly gets a Red Bull and drinks it* SUCKER!! RED BULL GIVES YOU WINGS!! I'M OUTTA HERE^_________________________________^…
*nothing happens…CRAP I have the best luck…*
Kippo-girl- OOHHH NO IT LIED!!!
Erik- *evil creepy ErikBrand™ laugh*
Kippo-girl- now now eeeheheheheh…let's not be too hasty *panicked look* if you don't kill me now I promise not to belittle you in another fanfic ever again!
Erik- Now THAT'S a blatant lie! *Brandishes Punjab lasso*
Kippo-girl- EEEPP O_O STAN WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU I NEED YOU TO SAVE ME ***RIGHT NOW!!!***
*MEANWHILE IN ERIK'S HOUSE ON THE LAKE*
Stan- Sure I'll save you, but I'll need some *ahem* motivation to do so*makes the
"I want moolah" gesture*
Raoul- What does *makes the "I want moolah" gesture* mean?
Stan- aww screw it I'm too lazy to help you…Hay where's my slave gotten too?
Chapter 5!!!!! *Finally, eh?* Where Erik runs out of milk, and other stuff happens!
*we open up to a much calmer Erik in the kitchen. It's morning now and as opens the ice box, he finds there is no more milk*
Erik- Well, it's seems I'm out of milk.
Raoul- *from the living room, STILL punjabbed as he's always been* I have some milk!!
Erik- *comes out of the kitchen, Almost dreading the answer to the question that he was about to ask* YOU have milk, monsieur? …HOW, may I ask, do YOU have milk?
Raoul- Why, I have it right here in my pocket! Christine gives it to me in a baggie sos I have food in case I get lost^_^ *takes baggie out of his pocket and waves it around* see??
Erik-….wouldn't that milk be bad now??!!
Raoul- My pants are refrigerated!
Erik-That's a blatant lie! *Is getting frustrated* That's it! From now on, every ounce of stupidity I receive from you will earn you an ounce of DEATH!
Raoul- YAY like earning Chuck E. Cheese tickets!
Erik- ARE YOU TRYING TO BE EVEN MORE IDIOTIC??!!!
Raoul- *With a completely serious face* Yes.
Erik- *smack Raoul on the head* BAD RAOUL BEING STUPID IS A SIN!
Raoul- OOOWWW ;_; I didn't do anything wrong all I did was offer you milk from my refrigerated pants!!
Erik- *SMACK even harder* SHUT UP! Your stupidity amazes me!
Raoul- Thank you I try^__^
Erik- *with all his force, inflicts a deadly blow to Raoul's head* I SAID BE SILENT!! DO NOT SPEAK ANY MORE!! CEASE TALKING!! *Faces audience* Hello! Hopefully there were no Raoul fans in the audience, but I'm sure there is none in existence anyway…
*oooh that's cold Erik _*
Raoul- I do TOO have-
Erik- *raises hand in preparation to hit a fop*
Raoul- *whimper*
Erik- Good. We're learning. *Grins cruelly and faces audience again* And today you shall learn a lot as well from your teacher! It's time for
Erik's Handy Guide To Getting The Lady Of Your Dreams!!! ™
Raoul- YAY!
Erik- …Yes whatever.
Raoul- May I ask a question?
Erik- If you wish to die…yes.
Raoul- O_O you said YES!! You never say yes when I want to ask a question!! AWESOME!!
Erik- FINE! WHAT IS IT ALREADY!
Raoul- Am I supposed to not be punjabbed anymore? *Raoul has somehow got out of his punjabbery*
Erik- *stares in disbelief* How in the world DID you do that?!
Raoul- Somehow I got free of my clothes too! WHHHEEE I'M…NAKED!
Erik- *averts his eyes* RAOUL GET YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!!!!! COVER YOUR SHAME!!
Raoul- *runs in circles around the lair* I'M FREE I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! FREE AS A BABIES BUTT!!!
Erik- *covering his eyes, he blindly chases after Raoul, tripping over numerous objects* RAOUL YOU ARE A GROWN MAN STOP RIGHT NOW AND PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!! You'll ruin EVERYTHING!!!
*a yawn comes from inside Christine's room* Christine- What is all that noise? Erik? Raoul? What's going on?
Erik- !!!!! Gah!
Raoul- WEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!
Erik- Do you act like this in public!?
Raoul- Nope! Just with you^_^
Christine-Hellooooo…
Erik- Crap on a stick! I have to do something… let's see… what would Don Juan do in this situation?
Thought-bubble Don Juan- *runs around the room naked* WEEEEEHEHEHEHEHE!
I am Don Juan Triumphant! I TRIUMPH AGAIN! *Thought bubble disappears*
Erik- Blast!
Christine- ummm… I think I'm locked up in here…. Can you let me out…I don't know how…
Erik- NOOOOOO… um I mean… just a minute dearest while I, um, fetch the key…or something…
Christine- Oh, goody!
Raoul-Hey, what's this? *Picks up Erik's Don Juan opera script*
Erik- Gih! You…you… get away from that YOU!
Raoul- Hey watch this! *Picks up a large stack of the Don Juan script* I'M THE INCREDIBLE HULK!!! GRAAAGGHHH!!!! *Rips the impressive-sized stack of paper in half* Hehehehehe…. I'm priceless!
Erik- *stares in shock for a second, then comes to his senses* GAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Die you you die die you die die you die!!!!!! *Runs into the next room*
Roaul- owwww, my arms hurt…
Christine- Helloooo…?
Raoul- Hello? Oh I know that voice! Wait for me, my love! *Runs over and opens the door*
Christine- Oh Raoul, thank y- EEEEEKKKKKK!!!!
Erik- *returns from the other room with the Death-Dealer Punjab 2000™* NOW YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!! *Erik is foaming at the mouth and has insane yellow eyes now. Cool!* I'LL MAKE YOU P- …uhhhhhhh…*sees Christine screaming at a confused Raoul*
Raoul- What's wrong, my love?
Christine- meep, meep *points at his shame*
Raoul- Oooooohhhhhhh… right, no pants.
Christine- meep, meep, meep… *Christine faints*
Erik- *has that dumbfounded look with an insane twitch in his left eye*
Raoul- Hmmmmmm… there's a "my love " passed out on the floor, there's a "phantom of the opera" looking at me very angrily, and I'm naked. What do I do?
*Thought bubble appears over Raoul's head!*
A. Apologize profusely, get dressed and leave
B. Grab Christine and run away as quickly as possible
C. Conveniently forget the last 15 minutes of your life √
D. Hands at the level of your eye's Raoul!
E. There is no e.
Hmmmm…. Yeah c. seems about right…
Raoul-*suffers a nervous twitch* Huh? Where am I? Why am I naked?
Erik- AAAAAHHHHHHH *throws the DDP2000*
Raoul- Huh? *Punjab goes around his neck, and his head explodes like a pumpkin*
Erik- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Excellent!
Author- Sorry, that last part where Raoul's head explodes didn't really happen, but Raoul WAS punjabbed again (MR)
Erik- Awwwwww, com'on…
Author- No.
Erik- OK, fine then! *pouty face* anyway, back to the guide…
Erik's Handy Guide To Getting The Lady Of Your Dreams!!! ™
Erik- NOW FOR STEP 5!!!!!!
Step 5!!!!!!!
Erik- Step 5 is simply an elaboration of step 4, which was to get rid of all competition. If you are like me-
Raoul- And how!
Erik-…IF you are LIKE ME, you might have to take extra steps to eliminate the ONE GUY WHO ALWAYS SEEMS TO GET AWAY SOMEHOW AND SURVIVE!!! *Mouth foam*….ehehehehehehhh….*regains composure* Because it always happens!
Raoul- *nods head knowingly*
Erik- Oh Lord Raoul *averts eyes from the naked punjabbed Raoul* …HERE'S YOUR CLOTHES…make use of them….
Raoul- YAY! *Puts pants on head* It's a hat^_^ ooo! And it's COLD!
Erik- ANYWAY!!! There are 4 methods you can use that will guarantee victory!! Let's go over them shall we?
METHOD 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Erik- Use your secret tactic as early and as often as possible, instead of waiting 'til the last moment! I can assure you if you want to actually WIN your love's affections, this method will be very necessary!!
METHOD 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Erik- It may help if you have minions around to do your bidding. Never underestimate the power of a bunch of stupid people who will listen to your every whim!!! I recommend hobos!
Raoul- meep O_O hobos scare the crap out of me!
Erik- And that is the point, you stupid, dimwitted, half naked vicomte! *smack* Put some clothes on!!! I'm already up to HERE with your shenanigans and just plain idiocy! You destroyed half of my LIFE'S WORK IN 2 SECONDS!!! ….I should probably have killed you sooner…If only I didn't love Christine so much…
Raoul- *looks as though he's about to say something*
Erik- NO! *Kick in the shin* no more talk from you! I'll not have it! I continue now!!
METHOD 3!!!!!!!!!!
Erik- Use the holy hand grenade…I guess.
Note from author number two! - You don't have to use this method. Holy hand grenades are very hard to come by. (KR)
Erik- Yes whatever…I'm giving the advice! Oh well on to the next and final method! If all else fails, this is guaranteed to work! Although it isn't recommended…
Raoul- And how!
Erik- *KICK IN THE SHINS AGAIN* I wish you would shut up!
METHOD 4!!!!!
Erik- Threaten to BLOW UP EVERYTHING. Don't give empty threats either. Show them your gunpowder collection muahahahahahaahaaaa *insanely evil phantom laugh* You have to really want to blow up everything too, no bluffing! Otherwise it will backfire, and backfiring is a bad thing.
Raoul- And how!
Erik- WHAT do you mean by THAT, monsieur?! That I WOULDN'T have blown up the opera house?! HUH!? *Insane glint in his eyes*
Raoul- O_O meep! No! And how! Christine's awake!
Christine- oooh I had this horrible dream…wait…why am I on the floor? *looks over toward Erik and punjabbed half naked Raoul* O_O It wasn't a dream O_O
Erik- *in a hurriedly I WANT TO PLEASE YOU tone* OH Christine you're awake! doyouneedanythingmaybesomefoodordoyouwantmetokillthefopor-
Raoul- look at me I'm half naked!!
Christine- *in shock*
Kippo-girl- *walks in* will Christine be in shock forever after seeing Raoul's shame? Will Erik kill Raoul because Raoul made Christine be in shock after seeing his shame? Will Erik get Christine because Erik killed Raoul due to letting Christine see Raoul's shame? Am I getting confusing? I'm confusing myself…STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT AND LAST CHAPTER OF…
Everyone- Erik's Handy Guide To Getting The Lady Of Your Dreams!!! ™
Raoul- I don't really want to die.
END CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kippo-girl- Finally after much waiting it's here! ^_^; It took a while I know I hope you guys aren't all T__T for me taking so long ;_; I just want to say that a large portion of this chapter was actually written by my brother Michael "the Mayor"…yup. He's the one that forced me to finish writing this story faster. Hopefully the next chapter will be updated a lot sooner than this one was _ please review! They please me so ^__^ oooh yes! If you want Raoul to live or die, please review! His fate lies in your hands…
Erik- I want him to die. And I want you to die.
Kippo-girl- *sniffle*