Disclaimer: I don't own the phantom of the opera. If I had created it I'd cry myself to sleep every night for creating such a sad story. Wait…maybe not. But I would've made Raoul less stupid. I mean, come on! In the musical they were all saying "your hand at the level of your eyes!!!" Like at least 20 times and then what's like the first thing that happened to Raoul after he got down to Erik's lair?? HE GOT PUNJABBEDED!!! How idiotic is that? That's my main reason why Raoul must be punished…anyway like I was saying…I don't own Phantom of the opera. It's owned by cooler people than me *sniffle* Also… the views in this fanfiction are not meant to offend anyone, but are to be taken lightheartedly and in jest. Thank you^_^
Erik's Handy guide to getting the lady of your dreams!!! ™
It's true it's true!! Everyone's favorite Phantom is gonna give us a step-by-step to get the lady (or guy!!!) of your dreams!! Just follow his advice and you'll be…umm…not alone in no time!!!
Erik- thank you for the introduction disembodied voice! *Flashes a sparkly smile* Yes it's true! I'll teach you everything you need to know so you'll be happy and full of love! And ladies, thanks to my superior intellect, you can also use my advice to get guys too!
*Raoul pops in suddenly and unexpectedly* Raoul- *talking to himself* Now what was I supposed to keep at the level of my eyes? …darn it they tell me often enough…
Erik- *looking at Raoul in utter disbelief* How the hell did you get here??!!! How did I not hear you?
Raoul- Well, I couldn't find the Persian so I got this handy DANDY device, the Persianbuddy2000™, which is just LIKE having your very own Persian! It even says stuff and has a little LCD Persian on it^__^ look he's so cute! *Waves at the screen* Helloo!
Erik- Look, Raoul. I'll give you to the count of three to get out before I Punjab your ass.
Raoul- *looking panicked* OOH NOO! This happened before! What do I do what do I doo!!!???
Erik- 1…
Raoul- *gasp* I know! I'll ask my Persian buddy!! Persian buddy help me what do I do to keep from dying??!!
Erik- 2…
PersianBuddy2000™- Keep your hand at the level of your eyes! At the level of your eyes!
Raoul-…But why??
Persianbuddy2000- The Punjab lass-
Erik- …3!!!! *Erik whips out his Punjab lasso and punjabs Raoul. He isn't dead but is sorta hanging there with his feet just barely touching the ground*
Erik- *mumbling under his breath* what a foolish man… *directing his attention to the audience again* anyway…pardon that little distraction!
Raoul- can you let me go now? This is very uncomfortable…. And my roguishly good looking neck is getting chaffed…
Erik- Now why would I do that Raoul? Anyway, you might be mildly amusing to keep around while you slowly die a painful death! *evil smile* …then maybe…Christine…oh…oh I don't know what I'm talking about! But you gonna be with your brother soon enough^__^ …and by that I mean dead.
Raoul- oh poo. Being dead wrecks havoc on your skin.
Erik- Oh poo is right! Sorry for all the delays my faithful audience! It's time for:
Erik's Handy Guide To Getting The Lady Of Your Dreams!!! ™
Raoul- But you didn't end up with-
Erik- * furiously through tightly clenched teeth* SILENT! YOU WILL BE SILENT! IF YOU SPEAK OUT OF LINE AGAIN I WILL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WOULD JUST DIE A SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH!!!
Raoul- …That sounds bad…Kay Erik good buddy! Carry on!
Erik- I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Yes! Now on to step one!
Step 1!!!!!!!!!!!!
Erik- this is the most important step! First you must have a SUBJECT to be the object of your dreams! The one you will go to any length to win the affections of! After you find this "one made for you" can you continue to step 2!
Raoul- Ohh! I already found the one for me^__^ she's at home right now cooking me a dinner!
Erik-…what did I just tell you just less than 5 minutes ago? Monsieur WHAT DID I TELL YOU??!!!
Raoul- Hmmm… *thinks* to keep my eyes at the level of my head? Wait that's not right…or was it to keep my hands at the level of my thighs…? Noo… that can't be it either…
Erik- *is speechless* … how in the world can you forget that fast??
Raoul- What'd I forget??? Oh no it's Christine's and our anniversary isn't it??? Oh no I'm really in for it when I get home…
Erik- What makes you think you are going to live long enough to go back to your home?
Raoul- *perplexed* Is something going to happen between then? *thinks and realizes he's still hanging by the Punjab lasso* …oh yea…well I'll get out of this somehow! I always do^_^
Erik- *mumbling to himself* over my corpse like body…*remembers the audience* oh yes! I'm sorry yet again^__^; perhaps I shall continue this later when my Victim…err…GUEST isn't being so unruly! And besides I have some 5 o' clock self-pitying to do. So until next time! Ciao and take care! *waves and flashes a smile for all the phans*
Raoul- *waves too* please save me! I really think it's my anniversary and I think Christine would be mad if I didn't come back ;__;
Erik- no one cares about you so shut up.
Raoul- oh poo.
End Chapter 1!!!
Kippo-girl- so wonderful readers, how did you like it? Was it funny? Was it stupid? Shall I continue? Should RAOUL die? I know it was short…if you like it, I'll continue and the following chapters will probably be longer, or updated more frequently. The only way I'll know is if you review!!! Yay! If you review then I'll be so touched I'll review your stuffs too!! And If I get some I'll continue!!! I love reviews… but not as much as cheesecake^_________^ ahh beloved cheesecake… also if you can catch the quote I used from the book then you get a gold star!! Yay GOLD STAR!! I hate to degrade myself so much but please review *polliwog eyes* pleeeeaaaseee???