Lost Without You, a dragon ball z fanfic

A/N – Okay, this takes place in the end of the Kid Buu saga, between when Vegeta dies and when Bulma is brought back. Its not precisely how the episode goes, but its close enough that you should be able to forgive me a bit of dramatic license…There was something else I had to say…Oh that's right - I don't own DBZ, or the song by Deltra Goodram I used here (like anyone would seriously believe I did) ^_^ On with it!
Lost Without You

"Everyone is dead, Vegeta! Even Bulma!"

Vegeta stared at Goku, the words roaring in his ears, drowning out all the noise of the battle. Even Bulma.

He shook his head angrily. It couldn't be true. Bulma couldn't die. Things like that just didn't happen. "You lie, Kakarott!" he shouted at Goku.

"She's dead Vegeta! Majin Buu killed all of them!"

Vegeta glared at him angrily, refusing to believe. He turned away, just to prove that he was wrong, and searched for her ki.

He didn't find it. Not even a trace.

An icy terror gripped his heart, and he searched harder. The onna's ki was pathetically weak, maybe he had missed it. Still, he couldn't sense even the slightest trace of her. The cold fingers at his heart squeezed, and for a moment, he couldn't breathe.

I thought I had all the answers, never giving in

But baby, since you've gone

I admit that I was wrong

She was dead. The realisation sunk in like a cold dagger twisting in his stomach, more inexplicably painful than anything he had ever experienced before. His vision darkened, and he felt as if he was about to fall. He could dimly hear Goku saying something else, something about those damn earrings, but his voice seemed to come from a long way away. All Vegeta could see was her face, smiling up at him.

All I know is I'm lost without you

I'm not gonna lie

How am I gonna be strong without you

I need you by my side

If we ever say that we will never be together and in the end you wave goodbye

Don't know what I'd do

I'm lost without you

She was dead.

Vegeta had always been prepared for his own death. In the years before Cell he had even sought it out, hoping against hope that he would find something strong enough to kill him, since life was torture. But never had he thought, even for a moment, that Bulma would die.

She was dead.

He remembered the first time they had met. The fire in her eyes had attracted him even then, so much so that he couldn't kill her when he had threatened too. It was perhaps the first time since he was sold off to Frieza that he had shown mercy to another, although at the time he had not thought of it like that. He had told himself that there was no need to kill her, that she didn't have anything that he wanted worth the effort. He wasn't used to analyzing his decisions back then. Before he met Bulma, he was lost in a world of darkness, and his defense against it was to seal out the world, his brain carefully trained not to think about things that could throw him off the narrow line he was trying to walk.

She was dead.

They had lived together in the same house for over a year until he had cause to think of his unusual mercy again, and wonder about it. They had been fighting, as usual, about the GR, or his dinner, he couldn't quite remember anymore. But he remembered seeing the passion flare in her blue eyes, and feeling the same unfamiliar sensation rise within him. At the peak of their argument, something inside each of them had snapped, and suddenly they were embracing as passionately as they had been fighting the moment before. Vegeta could not remember who had made the first move, only that all thought was erased as her touch drew fire from his skin.

Afterwards, he had left, confused and angry at himself for loosing control in such a spectacular way. But the more time he spent away from her, the more he tried to forget; the more she preyed on his mind, until she was all he could think of.

It was Bulma who had taught him to open up his heart again, to live on more than just instinct. When he came back to her, she had accepted him back, as if there was no doubt in the matter. She had given him everything without being asked, offering up her heart and body to him as freely as she had offered him her home when he had no where else to go. He had come to think of her as a force in his erratic life that would never leave, someone he could always trust to understand him. She became his anchor to the world, a reason for living.

And now she was dead.

I keep trying to find my way

But all I know is I'm lost without you

I keep trying to face the day

I'm lost without you

~/~/~/~

Bulma blinked as she took in the world around her. She was surrounded by her friends, most of them looking as dazed as she felt. She saw Goku grinning at her, Gohan helping his little brother to stand, and her own Trunks, refusing help, struggling to stand on his own. Gingerly, she reached above her head, and felt around. The halo that had been there before was gone. Realisation slowly dawned – she was alive. Goku and the others must have used the dragonballs to bring them all back to life.

The z senshi suddenly were in happy confusion, everyone hugging each other, tears of joy and shouts filling the air. They clustered about one another, Goku holding onto a crying Chichi, smiling at his sons, Krillin standing by 18, hugging Marron to him, Yamcha, Piccolo and Master Roshi standing nearby, beaming. Trunks stood by Goten, who grinned up at him in a mirror image of his father. Trunks grinned back at him in response, and gently cuffed him on the arm, the closest Trunks ever got to demonstrating affection. Bulma smiled to see the two young demi-sayians so close, like family to each other. In fact, everybody was now immersed in their own families, Chichi and Goku, Gohan and Videl, Krillin and 18.

Bulma stood on her own.

How am I ever gonna get rid of these blues

Baby I'm so lonely all the time

Everywhere I go I get so confused

You're the only thing that's on my mind

She felt someone watching her. She turned, looking for the source, thinking it might be Yamcha, or maybe even Master Roshi. As she searched through the group, she caught a glimpse of blue. She froze, her heart skipping a beat. The crowd parted slightly, and she saw through clearly.

He stood on the edge of the group, in traditional Vegeta mode, arms crossed and feet apart. He was facing partially away from the z warriors, as if declaring his total uninvolvement with what was happening, but his head was turned, his dark eyes watching her. Her heart came back into her body with a painful bound.

Vegeta.

And my bed's so cold at night, I miss you more each day

Only you can make it right

No I'm not to proud to say

She was suddenly in front of him, though she couldn't even remember. They stood together, less than a foot apart, but she could feel his nearness like a warmth that radiated out.

It was at times like this that she wished that Vegeta was more like Goku. She wanted to throw her arms around him and kiss him, but refrained, knowing he would probably just push her away in disgust for such a public display of affection. She longed to have him put his arms around her and comfort her.

Bulma sighed instead, and gazed up at him, drinking in his face. She had thought that she would never see him again, and her eyes traced every line and curve, just savouring the simple pleasure of looking at him. Her eyes trailed down his body, and she noted, with a little catch at her heart, the bruises that were beginning to discolour his skin. His boots were scuffed, and his bodysuit torn in places, blood seeping though from abrasions underneath. Her heart swelled, as if she could feel his pain. She lifted her eyes back up to meet his. Bulma was unsurprised to see that although her own eyes were filling with tears, Vegeta's face was its usual impassive self. Only his eyes betrayed his emotions, gazing into her own with an intensity that almost frightened her. She smiled up at him, and felt her heart thump again when his mouth twitched, and he had to stop himself from smiling back.

Vegeta watched her hungrily, his eyes drinking in every curve of her body, every expression that flowed across her face. She was standing in front of him, barely a foot away. Her eyes, those beautiful wide blue eyes that had captured him so many years ago, were filling with soft tears, glimmering in the light. She looked as if she were about to cry, and it wrenched at his heart. He wanted to reach out and pull her into his arms, to crush her sweetness against him and bury his head in her hair for what could be the last time. But he was aware of the other z fighters all around them, and his pride rebelled at letting them witness such weakness in him. He stared at Bulma helplessly, knowing that in just minutes he would have to leave her again to fight Buu, where he would most likely die. Again.

He cursed Dende for making life so cruel. As if dying for the first two times wasn't painful enough, now he would have to do it in front of Bulma, without being able to say to her the things he knew she desperately wanted to hear. He remembered the sudden agony that had pierced him inside when Kakarott had told her that she was dead. Now, here she was alive again, and he had a second chance to make it up to her for all the things he had done over the years to hurt her. He had a chance to tell her of the welter of feelings inside him, all of his longing for her; but now that she was standing in front of him, he couldn't move. He couldn't even unfold his arms. He cursed himself for his weakness, that he could freeze up at a moment like this.

Bulma was still gazing up at him, and it seemed that she saw though into the conflict that was tearing up his mind. She stepped closer to him, her scent filling his head like smoke. His body burned to touch her, and she lifted her head up to him encouragingly. A single tear slipped out and ran down her face. The sight was too much for Vegeta to bear.

With a hand that shook, despite his efforts to keep it still, Vegeta reached out, and ever so lightly touched her cheek, wiping away her tear. She smiled up at him again, her love shining out in her eyes.

I keep trying to find my way

But all I know is I'm lost without you

I keep trying to face the day

I'm lost without you

Bulma saw Vegeta glance around quickly, to see if anyone had noticed his uncharacteristic display of affection, but all of the Z Senshi were involved in their own families, and were paying no attention to the two of them. She reached out and caught his hand, holding it to her face. She felt him trembling ever so slightly at her touch.

They stood like that, frozen in position for a long, endless moment, until with a sound that was almost a moan, Vegeta reached out and pulled her roughly to him. Bulma let out a surprised squeak, then gladly wrapped her arms around his neck. She could feel his heart beating as she buried her face in his chest. His familiar scent, compounded of sweat and blood, and some indefinable, forgotten spice washed over her. She closed her eyes, her arms tightening convulsively around his neck. Vegeta's breath grew ragged above her, as emotion stole his trademark restraint.

Vegeta held her tightly, no longer caring if the others saw him. What was important right now was comforting the precious, fragile woman in his arms. He could feel her hot tears soak through onto his skin. His eyes however, remained stubbornly dry, even though his mind was in chaos, screaming at him for a release of some sort. But he had learned long ago not to cry, and save for when he had been dying on Namek, he had never practiced the luxury. Now, he wished that he could. Anything would be better than the bottled emotions that wracked his body, causing him to shake, even as he held her.

Memories flashed though his head. Every word he had ever said to Bulma, from their first meeting on Namek, to their tempestuous relationship while he lived with her in Capsule Corp. Again, he could see her fear as he stood over her on Namek, threatening her life. He saw anger flare in her blue eyes as he fought with her over his meals, or fixing the GR - both of them screaming insults at each other until they could take no more. The sense of each others presence would become as intoxicating as wine, forcing them to loose their control and surrender to a passion as intense as their anger.

He remembered how she looked in his arms after they made love, moonlight bathing her form with radiance, her face oddly serene, smiling slightly in her sleep.

He saw her tears the night he had left, the pain in her eyes contrasting with her angry face. The joy that had blazed in her brilliant blue eyes when he returned.

A thousand memories of Bulma flashed though his mind, Bulma sleeping, Bulma angry, Bulma sad, Bulma happy – they all echoed in his mind as he clung to her, his embrace turning more desperate with each one. He knew that as soon as he let her go he would have to leave, and run the risk of never seeing her again. Suddenly, with a clarity that he had never found before, he knew that not to ever see her face again would be agony beyond any physical pain.

If I could only hold you now

And make the pain just go away

Cant stop the tears from running down my face

Bulma felt his arms tighten around her, until she could hardly breathe. She pulled back slightly, so that she could see his face. Vegeta's face was no longer impassive. His mask was cracking, and she could see the torment in his eyes. Her heart ached for him in his pain. He was breathing now in short, quick breaths, even as she was, swept away on a sea of emotion. She untangled her arms from his neck just long enough to touch his face gently, trying to convey all her love and need for him in that one touch.

Please don't leave me.

Her eyes begged him silently to open up to her. Wrapped up so close to each other, she knew he could feel her thoughts and she tried to send him all the love and trust that was coursing through her heart. He reached up to her neck, and Bulma knew he was tracing the little scar at the juncture of her neck and shoulder. That was his scar – the mark his teeth had left when he had bonded with her. There was a similar one on his own neck.

Hell, all I know is I'm lost without you

I'm not gonna lie

How am I gonna be strong without you

I need you by my side

Feeling him touch her mark again made her shiver in his arms, and for the first time since the two had caught sight of each other, Bulma spoke, asking him the question that had tormented her since the first time they had made love.

"Do you love me?" Her voice was barely above a whisper, but she knew he could hear her perfectly.

His whole body stiffened, and she felt his fingers jerk uncontrollably at her neck. "What?" he said after a long pause, as if he hadn't heard her.

Bulma looked up at him, her blue eyes demanding his response. She knew he didn't want to reply, but she had held off asking it for so many years, afraid of the answer. Now, she had a second chance, after thinking it was too late. She couldn't let him go again, until he told her.

Vegeta was at a loss for words. He stared into her blue eyes helplessly, his arms tightening again around her to the point of pain. He wanted to tell her that she was everything to him, his whole world contained in her heartbeat. That he was lost without her, the very thought of her pain taking control of his body, until he couldn't breathe. If she were to go away again…

He would die. He knew he would. Her love had brought him from the brink and anchored him to this world. Without her he would be left alone in the dark, and the thought of it frightened him than anything else. He was long past cursing himself for such attachment to another thing. He had fled her once before, vainly trying to put her out of his mind, but in the end he had come back, as somehow he had always known he would.

If we say that we will never be together and in the end you wave goodbye

Don't know what I'd do

I'm lost without you

She was still waiting in his arms, her blue eyes fixed on his face, eyes that he could never lie to. But what could he say? His pride, wrought out of iron over the years, now was preventing him from saying the words he knew she needed to hear, words that he now even wanted to say.

Knowing that the clumsy words that he could say would not help her, instead he bent and brushed her lips gently with his own. He tried to pour everything he felt into her though that gesture, hoping desperately for it to say what he could not.

Bulma looked up at him as he broke the kiss, and somehow he knew she'd understood. Tears shining in her eyes, she kissed him again. Vegeta felt her relief and love flow though into him at the simple contact, and he took a deep, shuddering breath, drinking in her fragrance.

I keep trying to find my way

But all I know is I'm lost without you

I keep trying to face the day

I'm lost without you

With a final tightening of his arms around her, he let her go. Cold air rushed in at the parting of their bodies, but Vegeta could still feel her gentle touch on his mind. She smiled up at him again, and Vegeta felt something snap inside of him. A tear ran down his cheek. He made no move to wipe it away, instead staring at her with a new intensity, all the passion of love in his black eyes. Bulma reached over and gently wiped away the tear, as he had done for her just moments before; although to Vegeta it felt like hours had passed as he had held her in his arms. With one last look, she turned away.

Bulma walked slowly over to their son, who had been standing with Goten. She hugged him tightly as the small boy protested feebly, an embarrassed flush on his cheeks. Vegeta watched the two of them from his position on the edge of the group, a strangely content feeling in his heart.

He had finally admitted it to himself. He needed her. Without Bulma in his life, he was lost, and he knew he would do absolutely anything to prevent that from happening again. Vegeta cursed himself again for not being able to say all this to the woman who had taken control of his heart, cursed the pride that wouldn't let him tell her the things he knew she deserved to hear.

As he watched however, she looked up, feeling his eyes on her. She gazed at him for a long moment, then smiled that unforgettable smile, the fire of love blazing in her blue eyes. Vegeta stared, then smiled one of his rare smiles back at her. His heart settled, and he stopped worrying.

She already knew.

I keep trying to find my way

But all I know is I'm lost without you

I keep trying to face the day

I'm lost without you

I keep trying to find my way

But all I know is I'm lost without you

I keep trying to face the day

I'm lost without you

I'm lost without you…