A long, long, long time ago I wrote a Jerry Springer type parody of Midsummer Night's Dream and Romeo and Juliet called 'The Edwina Spice Show', which I put in ffn under 'Edwina Spice: Shakespeare's talkshow host'. A few days ago I had this plot bunny. It's based on 'Blind Date', that wonderful (not) British show hosted by the lovable (really) Cilla Black, who calls people 'chuck' a lot. I will be posting some annotations because I make an awful lot of references here which may confuse you if you haven't read the plays I refer to.
Disclaimer: Actually, I wrote Antony and Cleopatra, Macbeth, Merchant of Venice and Twelfth Night. And Shakespeare can't sue me because he's dead, so hah. Bwahahahahaha!
Author note: Gruoch is the name of Macbeth's wife, but this is never mentioned in the play. I apologise to any Goths and anyone of a sensitive constitution who may be reading this.
Edwina Spice's Blind Courtship
Scene – a large stage with a screen across the middle, blocking people on one side from seeing the other. Three stools are on the right hand side, one on the left. Enter Edwina, wearing scarily bright colours as usual!
Applause
Edwina: Thank you! And welcome to Blind Courtship! I'm Edwina Spice, I once had a talk show but it got axed when Tybalt killed Mercutio. Today, chuck…
She pauses
Edwina: Where the heck did the 'chuck' come from? Anyway, one lad will pick from three lasses, and one lass will pick from three lads, without seeing what any of them look like. They'll have only three questions to decide whom they want to blindly court! We'll also meet last week's lucky couples! Let's meet our first girls – come on girls!
More applause. Three women enter on the right side, one is a man-eating Roman bitch, one is a softhearted Roman wench, and one is an Egyptian nymphomaniac.
Edwina approaches the first.
Edwina: Hullo number 1, what's your name and where are you from?
Fulvia: Eddy, I'm Fulvia, and I'm from Rome.
Edwina: Really? And what do you like to do in Rome, Fulvia?
Fulvia: (smiling sweetly) Kill people.
Edwina: (laughing nervously) Do you, chuck? Oh, there I go again. Anyway, much as I'd love to stop and chat, I'd better go on to number 2 now. Hello number 2, what's your name, and where are you from?
Octavia: I'm Octavia, Eddy, and I'm from Rome too.
Edwina: Oh really? Do you know Fulvia?
Octavia: (simpering sigh) Yes, she irritates my brother immensely.
Edwina: (hopefully) Is your brother a policeman?
Octavia: No, Octavius Caesar.
Edwina: Powerful brother! (laughs) I hope he doesn't want to fix the show! But of course, we'd never do things like that here on Blind Courtship. Now, number 3.
Cleopatra: (purring) Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt.
She is the essence of sexy.
Edwina: Well, well! Can I just ask, your majesty, is that a dress you're wearing? If wearing can be called the right term.
Cleopatra: Too many clothes would cover the glorious beauty of my flesh.
Edwina: Quite.
Fulvia: Oh, Edwina, I feel I should mention something.
Edwina: Yes?
Fulvia: I'm dead.
Edwina: (nodding) Indeed. Now let's meet the lucky lad who has to choose between you! Come on, Antony!
Enter Antony, stage left. A proud Roman who'd look slightly more proud if it weren't for the bits of food in his beard.
Edwina: Hello Antony, welcome to Blind Courtship!
Antony: Hello Eddy. (He kisses her hand) It is an honour.
Edwina: (laughing girlishly) Well! Tell us a little about yourself, Antony.
Antony: I'm a triumvir of Rome – work with Octavius Caesar, and that other guy. I forget his name. I like hot Egyptian babes. I also like sex. And lots of it!
Edwina: Antony, there are small children watching.
Antony: Oh yes. Sorry. Should I start asking questions now?
Edwina: Go ahead!
Antony: Hello number 1.
Fulvia: Hello scumball.
Antony: You know, she sounds an awful lot like my late wife, Fulvia.
Edwina: (chuckles) Oh… really? What a funny coincidence!
Antony: If you were a type of food, what would you be?
Fulvia: I'd be poison, you fool, and end your life.
Edwina: I'm not sure she understands the point of the game.
Antony: You'll poison yourself with your venomous wit one day. Same question to number 2.
Octavia: Hello Antony! I would be a glass of water, still and cool, refreshing to your soul.
Antony: (looking at his fingernails) Yes, yes, next.
Cleopatra: Antony… I would be a morsel for a monarch, luscious and tender, mouth-wateringly good…
Antony: Tell me more.
Cleopatra: Wouldn't you like to devour me, Antony?
Antony: Oh yes!
Edwina: Ahem.
Antony: Oh, sorry. Number 1, so considering you hate me, how would you most like to kill me then?
Fulvia: Death's too good for you, I'd string you up by your…
Edwina: There are small children watching.
Fulvia: Ankles! And then… possibly scratch my fingernails down a slate.
Antony: How pathetically unimaginative.
Edwina: Er, Antony, you have to ask the same question to the other two.
Antony: If you say so. All right, number 3, same question.
Cleopatra: I would love you to your grave, for sooth men cannot withstand the overwhelming power of my passion. My desire… your demise.
Antony: Whew… Number 3!
Cleopatra: Are you strong enough to resist me?
Antony: I'd rather be weak enough to choose you, I know what's happier.
Edwina: Can we get on?
Antony: I'm coming to get you, number 3! (He gets up and is forcibly dragged back to his seat by Edwina.)
Edwina: Phew, do I miss the security guys! You know the rules of the game, Antony. Three questions, to all the contestants. Ask number 2.
Antony: (sulkily) All right, number 2?
Octavia: If I had to kill you – which I certainly wouldn't – I suppose I'd kill you with comfort and contentment.
Antony: It's still not a patch on lascivious wassails. All right, last question, number 2 please get your lame answer over with – I am a powerful man. How would you cope with the power?
Octavia: Well, I'm used to it – my brother is a triumvir too, you know.
Antony: … Oh is he? (suddenly interested) So you're used to his annoying whining, his constant party pooping and other such activities then?
Octavia: Oh yes, but I've learned how to keep on his good side.
Antony: Hmm. Very interesting. All right, number 1?
Fulvia: Powerful men are using their status to compensate for things. Personally I'd rather go to war with every one of your allies just to see how much I could reduce you into a powerless wreck. My kind of man.
Antony: Pleasant as always. Number 3?
Cleopatra: Our powers would be in perfect marriage, yours of logical Rome, mine of passionate Egypt. Think of the power we'd have together…
Antony: (slightly less turned on this time) Hmm… I'll have to think about this…
Edwina: Well it's time for our Man-Who-Makes-Bad-Puns to give you a reminder of our lasses tonight!
MWMBP: Will it be feisty number 1, who'd kill for love? Will refreshing number 2 seize her chance tonight? Or will tasty number 3 give your battles a tawny front? It's time to decide.
Antony: Number 2 please.
There is a pregnant pause.
Edwina: That's number 2, the cool glass of water, contentment-bringing, general wet blanket?
Antony: Yes please. Number 2 it is.
Cleopatra: What? What trickery is this? How can he love her more!
Edwina: Please calm down, number 3.
She starts to stomp over, fuming with anger. Even Fulvia dodges her.
Edwina whistles, and a pair of security guys come and put her back on her stool.
Edwina: (with trepidation) Antony… you've picked number 2. Which meant you didn't get the, er… lovely Fulvia.
Antony: I knew it was you!
Fulvia: I'm too evil to die. (She flounces past Antony.)
Edwina: Or the stunning Cleopatra.
(Cleopatra slaps Antony round the face and storms off. He looks rather heart-broken.)
Edwina: But the one you've chosen tonight is waiting for you just behind the screen.
Antony looks bored. Octavia looks excited. The screen rolls back.
Antony: All right – Octavia is it?
Octavia: Why yes!
Antony: (sullenly) Marry me.
Octavia: Er – all right then!
Audience cheer.
Edwina: Well, this is a little sudden! (She holds out three envelopes) Would you like to pick where to go on your honeymoon?
Antony grabs on envelope arbitrarily.
Antony: (reading sardonically) Apparently we, the lucky couple, get to spend a week in Rome.
Edwina: Er… sorry about that. Have a lovely time, chuck! Oh, there I go again… Now it's time to meet last week's couple – Macbeth and the lovely Gruoch!
Enter Macbeth, in a rather Gothic tartan kilt and with a good deal of black eyeliner, and Gruoch, wearing a spiked choker and purple streaks in her hair.
Edwina: Let's see how they got on!
Cut to the highlights of the couple's holiday in Ibiza. It begins with them throwing rotten fruit at partying tourists, then rejecting the call of clubbing to watch wrestling on television.
Macbeth: Are you sure you don't want to watch something girly?
Gruoch: This is coming from the man in a skirt.
The scene cuts to a nice restaurant, where the couple are attracting the attention of a number of curious patrons.
Waiter: How would you like your steak?
Macbeth and Gruoch reply together: Extra Rare!
They explode with laughter.
The scene cuts again to them taking a walk up a beach, obviously deep in conversation
Macbeth: Do you want to have children?
Gruoch: Wouldn't mind, but I'm in the mood for lasagne tonight, maybe tomorrow?
And then we see Gruoch coming in to see that Macbeth has lit the room in romantic candlelight.
Gruoch: Nice candles, did you bring a goat?
The clip ends, and we're back on Blind Courtship.
Audience applause.
Edwina: Well, sounds like you had a good time!
Gruoch: Yes Edwina – magical.
Macbeth: I totally agree – we really hit it off.
Edwina: You found each other and discovered you had the same twisted sense of humour?
Gruoch: Oh definitely! Right down to torturing small animals!
Edwina: Twisted being an understatement here. So let's hear what Macbeth had to say about Gruoch.
Macbeth sitting in a comfy chair
Macbeth: I found Gruoch's company to be most titillating. Her dominant nature is quite exciting – she says I'm a good boy!
Gruoch smiles smugly at this.
Cut to Gruoch in a comfy chair.
Gruoch: Macbeth is wonderful company. Sometimes he won't do as he is told and I have to give him a smack. But mostly he's well behaved.
Edwina begins to look a tad disturbed.
Edwina: So, er, you found that Gruoch was the dominant figure in the relationship.
Gruoch: Of course I am. (She pulls out her handbag) I even got Macbeth a present. (She digs around and finds a dog collar, complete with lead, and fastens it to Macbeth's neck. He does not protest.)
Edwina: (hurriedly) Anyway, thank you, Macbeth and Gruoch, best of luck for the future. I think that's all we have time for now. Come back after the break for some more Blind Courtship!
Gruoch gets up, and pulls Macbeth out on the lead.
Macbeth: Coming, chuck.
Edwina: Not you as well!
*** Ad-break! ***
Edwina: Welcome back! It's time to meet the boys. Come on boys!
Enter the Prince of Morocco, the Prince of Arragon and random Venetian stage right. Morocco swaggers. Arragon flounces. Random Venetian walks straight and dignified.
Edwina: Hullo number 1, what's your name and where are you from?
Morocco: Edwina, I am the Prince of Morocco, a neighbour of the burnished sun.
He gyrates his hips. Some of the girls in the audience scream.
Edwina: Quite. So, tell us a bit about yourself, your Highness.
Morocco: I can tackle the most lily-white northerner among you. I have sworn that if I do not win the lady here tonight, I will never court another. In Morocco, many virgins are weeping.
Edwina: Are they now? Let's meet number 2. Hello number 2!
Arragon: Señorita Eddy, I am the Prince of Arragon!
He does a random flamenco dance.
Edwina: (under her breath) Good grief, they really did pick the most painfully stereotyped bunch today. (Out loud) More royalty? It is an honour. And have you, too, sworn never to court another after tonight?
Arragon: I have indeed.
Edwina: Enjoy purposeful singleness then. Number 3.
Bassanio: I'm Bassanio, from Venice.
Edwina: Good to meet you, Bassanio. So how did you get here tonight?
Bassanio: I borrowed money from my good friend, Antonio (he waves). Hello Antonio!
Edwina: That was kind of him.
Bassanio: Yes, well his ships will be delivering his stock soon, so he'll have plenty of money. It's just as well, since if he doesn't get it, the Jew he borrowed from is going to take a pound of his flesh.
Edwina: Um… really? And you let him make this deal?
Bassanio: Well, I tried to persuade him not to, naturally, but I did need the money, and he was willing.
Edwina: So how do you plan to pay him back?
Bassanio: Well, hopefully I'll win the lady's heart and she'll be quite rich.
Edwina: At least you're honest I suppose. Well, it's time to meet the, er, lucky lass tonight! Come on Portia!
Enter Portia stage left. She is a beauty, naturally.
Portia: Hi Eddy!
Edwina: Hello Portia! Nice to meet you. So why did you decide to come on Blind Courtship?
Portia: Funny you should say that, Edwina. My father wrote in his will that I should get a husband by picking one from this show.
Edwina: Did he now?
Portia: (laughing nervously) Why yes, of course. And I'm pleased, at home in Belmont I only have my maid, Nerissa, for company. She's very nice, but I'd like a man around. Someone who's sensitive, not self-obsessed, and the sort that knows the true value of things.
Edwina: Good luck to you, honey. Now it's time to ask your questions.
Portia: All right! Hello number 1.
Morocco: Fair Queen, I greet you, and beg you to mislike me not for my complexion.
Portia: I am not led by nice direction of a maiden's eyes, as I can't actually see you behind the screen. Do you have zits? That's not an official question, by the way.
Morocco: I have a slight problem with acne, but it is clearing up now.
Portia: OK. So, number 1, I have to spend a lot of time on my own and I get bored. How would you best occupy me?
Morocco: I would bid you to watch me arm-wrestle. I could beat any weak armed northerner.
Portia: (sarcastically) Fantastic start, number 1. Number 2, same question.
Arragon: I would take you to see the matadors fight the bulls. Such a spectacle!
Portia: Number 3, please tell me you can do better!
Bassanio: (thinking he's got it) Oh – er… I'd take you to watch ballet!
Portia: I hate ballet.
Bassanio: If you wanted me to, of course. Maybe I'd ask you what you wanted to do. Anything really.
Portia: (sighing heavily) All right, here we go again. I like men who allow me to me my own person. What do you like most in a woman? Number 1.
Morocco: Long legs and a firm bosom!
Portia: Number 2?
Arragon: I like a woman who can dance.
Portia: Slightly better, I suppose. Number 3?
Bassanio: (Laying it on for all he's worth) Oh Portia, it's funny you should say that you like men who allow you to be your own person, because I like independence in a woman. To me, it's important that a woman is intelligent enough to make her own decisions. That, to my mind, makes her more beautiful than all the cosmetics someone could muster.
Portia: …Oh! Well, I must confess, my father said I had to pick after I'd asked this final question. So here goes. I apologise for its weirdness. If my love were in a box, what metal would the box be made out of? Number 1.
Morocco: Fair lady, it would be gold, the beauteous metal that many men desire, as many men desire you.
Portia: All right. Number 2?
Arragon: Many men might be the foolish multitude, and that is not to say that they deserve you. Do I deserve you? The box would be silver, pure and flawless as you are.
Portia: Good, good. Number 3?
Bassanio: Er…
Portia: (as if thinking to herself) Tell me, where is fancy bred? In the heart, or in the head? How begot, how nourishéd?
Bassanio: Lead! Gold appears beautiful, but is used to hide flaws, of which you have none. Silver is but a servant between men, so lead it will be, even if I had to give and hazard all I had upon it.
Portia: Oh my. Number 3, I confess I've taken a liking to you.
Edwina: Is that your final answer or would you like to phone a friend?
Portia: Sorry?
Edwina: Sorry, I meant, are you choosing number 3?
Portia: (pauses) Yes, I think I will.
Audience applause.
Edwina: You turned down the Prince of Morocco!
Morocco shakes Portia's hand dutifully.
Morocco: I am aggrieved, a loser.
Edwina: And the Prince of Arragon!
Arragon storms past Portia.
Arragon: I look a fool, and I won't linger like a fool!
Edwina: And chose Bassanio from Venice!
(The screen rolls back. Bassanio looks pleased as punch, and Portia looks relieved.)
Portia: Oh love, be moderate, allay thy ecstasy!
Bassanio: With your leave (kisses her). Ah, thrice-fair lady, I stand even now doubtful whether I have won this true, until confirmed, sealed, and ratified by you.
Edwina: (getting rather emotional) Isn't this lovely, ladies and gentlemen? Now let's see what you've won.
Bassanio pulls out an envelope. He starts to laugh.
Bassanio: We've won a holiday in Morocco!
Portia and Bassanio walk off happy. Hurrah.
Edwina: Let's meet last week's lucky couple, Olivia and Cesario!
Enter Olivia and Cesario. Olivia is a stately lady. Cesario is a rather effeminate boy. They sit on the sofa provided.
Edwina: Hello Olivia, Cesario.
Both: Hi Eddy.
Edwina: Let's see how they got on.
We see Olivia and Cesario enjoying a romantic dinner on the first night. Cesario looks even more effeminate. Orsino, a suitor to Olivia, is banging on the window.
Orsino: Cesario, how could you do this to me?
Cesario stares out wistfully.
Olivia: Ignore him, darling.
Olivia and Cesario are on a bike ride. Orsino is following them.
Orsino: Olivia! Olivia!!
Olivia: Honestly. (She cycles faster)
Olivia and Cesario are in a boat. Somewhere in the distance, we can see Orsino swimming towards them.
Olivia: I love the sunset. Would you like to kiss me, Cesario?
Cesario: Er – all right.
He leans forward and kisses her on the cheek. She responds by attempting to snog him.
Cut to the last day of the holiday. Olivia comes out of the hotel alone. Cesario wanders down the road, his levels of effeminacy back to normal apparently.
Olivia: Ah, there you are, Cesario. Marry me.
Cesario: Huh? Oh… yes! Let's do it!
Olivia appears surprised at first by this apparent change of heart, but grabs him by the hand and rushes to the chapel.
Audience applause.
Edwina: Wow, looks like you had an interesting time! Cesario, are you all right?
Cesario is looking mildly bewildered.
Cesario: Er… it's nothing.
Edwina: Let's hear what you had to say about each other!
Cut to scene of the screen rolling back.
Olivia: When the screen went back, my first thought was, wow, he's much better than Orsino and Malvolio!
Cesario: She's a – erm – very pretty lady.
Olivia sitting in a comfy chair.
Olivia: Cesario was always the perfect gentleman. Sometimes I think he was just a bit too reserved, though. It was such a pleasant surprise when he agreed to marry me.
Cesario sitting in a comfy chair. Looking more effeminate this time.
Cesario: Olivia was always very kind, although she was a bit forward. It was nice of Orsino to keep popping in.
Olivia again.
Olivia: I can't abide Orsino. He's been courting me for years and I won't have it. Of course, Cesario is his friend but I do think he indulges him a bit too much.
Cesario again.
Cesario: Olivia doesn't seem to like Orsino. Which is a shame. I like him an awful lot. (sighs) An awful lot…
Edwina: So, Orsino provided a lot of distraction, did he?
Olivia: Yes, he's so irritating!
Cesario: (indignantly) Yes, he is!
Olivia: You said you liked him an awful lot!
Cesario: Er… Sorry, I've just got to go to the toilet.
He runs out.
Edwina: Well, he's a bit strange, isn't he?
Olivia: Yes, but he's lovely.
Cesario runs back in. Or at least, this is how it appears.
Edwina: That was quick!
Cesario: Sorry I'm late!
Edwina: (pauses, bewildered) It's all right. Sit down.
Olivia: (taking Cesario's hand) Oh, Cesario, you left your ring in the toilet!
Cesario: Ring?
Olivia: You know, your wedding ring?
Cesario: (spluttering) Wedding ring?!
Olivia: (beginning to get a tad annoyed) Yes, Cesario, the wedding ring from when we got married.
Cesario: Er… did we? I mean, of course! I think!
Orsino rushes in, never to be stopped.
Orsino: Cesario! You traitor!
Cesario: Huh? What did I do?
Orsino: Married Olivia! You know I love her! I only asked you to be my fellow contestant on Blind Courtship because you promised to persuade her to take me! I didn't know you were after her for yourself.
Cesario looks heartbroken.
Cesario: (begging) Orsino… honestly…
The audience give a gasp. Edwina looks behind her and – there is Cesario again!
Other Cesario: Er – sorry guys, I didn't mean to spend so long in the toilet.
Edwina: Cesario?
Orsino, Olivia, and the Cesario on the sofa all turn around. Sofa Cesario gets slowly to his feet.
Orsino: Two of them?
Olivia: (Eyes widened) Two of them?
Other Cesario: (Uncertainly) I have a sister, you know, who looks a lot like me. If fact, if she were a boy, we'd be identical.
Sofa Cesario: What's her name?
Other Cesario: Viola.
Sofa Cesario: Sebastian! It's you! I thought you were dead!
Other Cesario (i.e. Sebastian): Viola! I thought you were dead!
Sofa Cesario (i.e. Viola): I'm not! I'm alive! And so are you! I'm so happy!
Edwina: Wow! Gosh, this is confusing! All right – Sebastian, is it? Come and sit down. You too, Orsino. Exciting though this is, I'd like an explanation.
Viola: The thing is, Edwina, my ship was wrecked in a foreign country, I had lost my twin brother and I needed work. So I disguised myself as a boy – Cesario – and went to work for Orsino.
Olivia and Orsino appear aghast.
Viola: Orsino loves Olivia, as you know, so he persuaded me to come on Blind Courtship with him so that I could persuade Olivia that he was the right one to pick. Only she picked me. I didn't really know what to do…
Sebastian: I was just walking down the street when I met Olivia, and she asked me to marry her – well, it was love at first sight, so I agreed!
Viola: And then I had to do the interview on how I thought the holiday went, not realising that Olivia had married my brother.
Sebastian: And then Olivia and I came to the show together… I really didn't have a clue what was going on… until now!
Viola: And… Orsino… I have something to confess.
Orsino: What, Cesario? I mean, Viola?
Viola: I love you.
Orsino: You do?
Viola: Ever since I first met you.
Orsino stares at Viola, lovestruck.
Orsino: Oh! And to think I just thought you were a friendly boy…
Edwina: (dabbing her eyes) This is so romantic! Olivia, are you happy with Sebastian?
Olivia: Oh yes, certainly… Although I'll miss having advice on what make-up to wear.
Edwina: Wonderful! I must say, after all that, I'm exhausted! Thanks for watching Blind Courtship!
There is hearty applause.
End Credits.
Thanks to everyone who's reviewed the original Edwina Spice by the way (towards the bottom of my profile!). It's scary to think that they were some of the first reviews I got on ffn…