Disclaimer – I don't um, don't sue….. Even if ya did, it'd be a waste of time as I have no money.

Author's Notes – So this story has been up for forever, I've been going back fixing some of the older ones and this one needed some fixing. The song I first chose didn't really fit. Think the new song goes much better.

Summary– Love, hate, pain, pleasure, good, evil, s'all the same in the end, isn't it?

-o-

Love to Hate

Jason

-o-

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

-o-

Entering the church, I'm slightly relieved there's no one here yet. I know I came to talk to him, but I'm glad to have a few more minutes to just be with my own thoughts and pain. I've become so used to the torment of these meetings that now it's almost comforting.

Gazing out the stained windows, I flinch slightly at the holy images decorating the colored glass. I don't feel comfortable here. I suppose that's why I'd waited so long to come this time, why I'm slightly relieved not to be facing my tormentor yet. Tearing my eyes away from the images that I can all but feel judging me, I try to find something, anything else to focus on.

-o-

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand

This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

-o-

As my gaze rests on the polished wood, I let a small smile slip across my otherwise emotionless face.

Walking with almost purposeful strides, I move toward the piano at the front of the room. It's been ages since I've play. I was always told that I had a gift when it came to music, but that gift quickly disappeared two days after I turned ten. Right when my mother died. That was right around the time I began fighting too. The others were so worried about me. Even back then we were all friends, me, Billy, Kim, Zack, Trini. They wanted to help me. Tried to help. That's why Kim learned the guitar, to try and sway me back to something more soothing then martial arts. Didn't work.

-o-

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

-o-

Sitting down on the polished bench, I close my eyes and let the grief wash over me. My mother had loved music, had especially loved the piano. She'd always play for me; tell me I was her muse. Little did she know, she was mine. When she died everything just stopped.

Letting my fingers rest on the dull white keys, I hesitate to strike. I shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be letting myself become caught in the memories that cause nothing but pain…but then again, isn't pain my protector? Doesn't it keep me safe and warm, alive?

-o-

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

-o-

Closing my eyes, I dive into the past, call upon the grief and sorrow to take me. As my fingers begin moving slowly and expertly across the keys I fall into the practiced movements that have always been with me. The skills and knowledge that I'd buried years ago. Buried, but never lost. Just like the pain.

They all tried to help me. My dad loved me and protected me. My friends encouraged me and lifted me up. It was never right though. None of them knew what I needed. They all wanted to stop the pain, but that wasn't right. I wanted to embrace it. It was the only thing that made me feel alive.

-o-

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

-o-

I'll never be who they think I am. I never was. I don't know what my mother would say if she knew what I'd become. Knew what I was responsible for. Knew the horror I'd allowed to run free and rampant on this planet just so I could feel something.

"Depressing." The indifferent voice makes my throat heart and fingers stop.

Standing, I turn to face my company, but make no move toward him. "I was waiting for you."

"I know." Smiling up at me, he takes a long drag of his cigarette. He always smokes around me, I don't know why; I don't think he even likes doing it. Maybe it's just his way of trying to appear more dangerous. "How did you know I came here?" You're not the only one who can keep secrets you know.

-o-

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you

You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

-o-

"Does it matter?" Probably not. He hardly ever shows anything but indifference to the details.

Shaking his head, he flicks the remainder of his cigarette away. Great, burn down the church, why not. "No." Moving away from the door, he walks slowly toward me. It still amazes me how he moves. Almost with the grace of a jungle cat; a lion or tiger perhaps.

Forcing myself not to back away or reach for my morpher, I hold my position. "Not even going to ask why?" I thought he'd at least ask me why I'd gone through the trouble of tracking him here, maybe he's tired of our game though. Tired of pretending that I don't come looking for him.

"No." His smile surfacing once more, he stops a mere foot away from me. "Why should I? We both already know the answer." I suppose we do.

-o-

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

-o-

"I suppose." Letting my gaze meet his, I'm once more drawn into his eyes. Those damn eyes that always seem to convict me. Those eyes are the only thing that reminds me of exactly what I've truly done. The life I've allowed to be taken away for my own selfish reasons. "I'm sorry."

Frowning a bit, he seems to be trying to fringe a calm demeanor now. Still though, I catch what's going through his mind. A setup. Did I come here and somehow lay a trap he's unaware of. No. "For?" Voice much less cocky then I believe I've ever heard it before, I'm a bit amazed I've managed to ruffle him so easily.

"Letting you die."

Relaxing once more, he sighs. "I'm not dead. I'm… reborn." Grin back in place he makes a small flourishing gesture. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to anything that remains of the boy inside. The boy that seems to be able to ruin your mask through those soulful eyes. The boy that should be here right now instead of the monster that's wearing his face. The monster that I let punish me over and over again.

"Why do I even do this?"

Cocking an eyebrow, he regards me stupidly. "Isn't it obvious?" Yes, it really is. Still I'm not ready to admit it today, I want to drag this out, want to make the hurt last. "You belong with me."

"No." But I do. He knows I do, knows I crave him, knows he's my addiction. Good and evil, right and wrong, love and hate, one can't exist without the other. I can't exist without him in my life.

"Then tell me, why haven't you killed me yet? You certainly had your chance." I hate when he uses that one. He knows damn well why I can't kill him, how bad I need him, he knows he owns me. "Aw, so sad."

"I hate you."

-o-

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

-o-

"If you hate me so much, then why'd you let me live over him?" I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. "Face it lover, you knew damn well that day on the beach that destroying that sword wouldn't destroy me. You knew all along and you did nothing but play the game. Just like I played the game in the dark dimension."

"I hate you."

"Perhaps, that's how it is though. Love the drug, hate the dealer." Moving to stand right in front of me, he leans in just close enough to brush his mouth against mine. "Kiss me."

"Hurt me."

Amusement playing over his features, he reaches up and caresses my cheek with all the care of a gentle lover. "Face it Jason, love, hate, pain, pleasure, s'all the same in the end, now isn't it?"

Capturing his mouth, I breathe in his essence. That appalling, cruel, malicious darkness that just barely covers the warmth trapped forever inside. Yes, I suppose it is really all the same in the end.

The End