I wrote this after reading '40 Things We Hope To Never See In A Beast Wars Fanfic' by Lady Venom and Cheetra. I decided to try and put everything on that list into a fanfic. I don't know why…probably because I'm insane.
I own nothing, except this horrible piece of…something, and that's enough for me. So you can't take it! Nyah! And I must give credit to Lady Venom and Cheetra…because it is thanks to them and their list that I was able to write this. So you may send any complaints to them…
Oh, and yes the very beginning is set in Beast Machines, which yes, I am aware, is evil, but unfortunately there was a Beast Machines thing on the list, so I had to put it in somewhere.
A Beasties Fanfic: Stretching the Limits of Credibility
(Or '40 things certain people hoped to never see in a Beast Wars Fanfic' -it's true, they even wrote a list…foolish of them…)
By Frostbite
Rattrap shut his eyes and tried again. Gears hissed and squeaked, but still he could not transform. He sighed and opened his eyes again, turning to shrug at Optimus.
Optimus sighed deeply and shook his head, "Rattrap you need to concentrate, this is important."
Rattrap rolled his eyes, "You think I don't know that! I'm sick of being stuck in dis stupid Rat form."
"To tame the beast within, you must first tame the beast without." Optimus commented cryptically, as he had a tendency to do of late. Ever since he'd come into contact with the Oracle he hadn't been quite the same.
Rattrap
frowned, puzzled, and asked, "Without? Without what?"
"YOU THREW OFF MY GROOVE!!" yelled Optimus, fuming. The yell caught Rattrap by surprise, and
Optimus, apparently quite offended, stomped off. What had that been all about? His groove? Must be more of that Oracle
mumbo jumbo.
Suddenly a bot seemed to materialize out of thin air before him. The bot was red and purple, and he held a large pulse riffle in his hands. Across his chest the word 'Gaurd' was painted in neon purple.
He nodded solemnly to Rattrap, who was still in shock at Optimus' outburst -and the new bot simply appearing out of thin air had not helped at all. "I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the gorilla's groove."
Rattrap blinked at him several times then finally said, "Eh?"
The bot repeated his previous statement, "I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the gorilla's groove."
Rattrap finally came out of shock long enough to ask "Who de slag are YOU?!??"
The bot considered this a moment, then looking down at his chest, pointed to the word painted across it. "It says right here I'm a gaurd. I'm not sure what that is, but that's what I am. Maybe I was supposed to be a guard? Eh, typos, what can you do?" he said shrugging, and with this gesture he seemed to activate something, because he promptly disappeared. Rattrap stared in disbelief at the spot that moments before had been occupied by the 'Gaurd'. What in the inferno was going on? Ever since they had come back from earth, things had just gotten stranger and stranger. Stupid writers.
Ah, earth…the Beast Wars. Now things had been better back then. Sure they'd been in the middle of a war, fighting for the future and such, but at least things had been logical. He sighed, enjoying the thoughts of times long past. It felt like it was only yesterday-
---
Rattrap sat at his post, playing blackjack. He was bored, as usual, and had opted to play cards instead of actually monitoring what he was supposed to be monitoring. He heard footsteps, and as it seemed their source was approaching the bridge, he quickly shut down his game. Act like you're working. But what did working look like? He frankly didn't have a clue, so instead he spun around to see who it was.
Airazor.
He grinned at her, and winked. Maybe it was a little desperate, but he was starting to find Airazor attractive. Strange. He shrugged it off, and instead rose and walked towards her, trying his best to radiate 'charming'. It apparently didn't work, and she ignored it all together, deciding to instead inform him of the fact that she was heading out to patrol now.
He smiled, nodding, and then said "When ya get back, how about you an' me-"
But she cut him off, "Rattrap, I can see where you're going with this. I like you, but it could never work between us."
He frowned; sure he was used to be turned down, but he was a little puzzled by her words; most just turned him down flat, no excuses, "Why not?"
"Well, truth be told, I'm not really a female. Technically."
His optics widened considerably, "You're joking…"
"No, actually, I'm a transsexual gone wrong." She explained calmly, and then narrowed her optics in hate, "That damn surgeon!!"
Rattrap continued to stare at her, so she patted him on the shoulder, "Don't worry, I'm suing him." And with that she strode out of the Axalon, leaving behind a very puzzled Rattrap.
But he had no time to process this as the bridge was suddenly filled with other members of the crew. Namely Optimus, Dinobot, Rhinox, and Cheetor.
"Anything to report?" Asked Optimus, coming up to lean over the rat's shoulder to look at the screen. Rattrap cast a glance at the lift, where Airazor had just disapeared. "Err…no Boss Monkey."
"Good, Dinobot, you're on patrol, I want you to check out sector Ominous; I think the Predacons are constructing a jamming tower there. Do not engage in battle if possible, just observe and report back, I'll decide what do to from there."
Dinobot snarled but agreed, turning to head towards the lift.
"An' get a personality while you're at it!" Rattrap added grinning. He had recovered from the Airazor incident - simply because his mind had suppressed the knowledge in an attempted to preserve his sanity - and was in a good mood.
Instead of being offended as was expected, Dinobot appeared to be considering his words. Finally the Raptor shook his head to dismiss such thoughts and stomped off, his destination sector Ominous.
"The preds have been quiet lately, too quiet." Optimus voiced when Dinobot had left.
"You think they're up to something Big Bot?"
"Possibly"
"Knowin' Megs, I'd say he's definitely planning something."
"Yes, probably just another desperate bid for attention. It's pathetic really." Optimus shook his head, and if he could of he would have rolled his optics at the foolishness of it all.
The other three paused to look at him. Bid for Attention?
"I guess we'll just have to wait and see." He added thoughtfully, and strode away, leaving the three remaining to exchange puzzled glances.
---
Megatron narrowed his optics in annoyance, and frowned. He had to think of something evil to do, and soon. That stupid Optimus kept on foiling his plans, and he couldn't stand it.
Mom and Dad had always like Optimus best. He was good, he was maximal, and he never stayed out past curfew. He even had his own ship and crew!
Well he'd shown them. Now he had his own ship too. And a crew, and though some of them were insane, and some treacherous, they were still his crew.
He was brought out of his thoughts by the arrival of Inferno, who declared his arrival by saluting Megatron reverently, "My Queen" he uttered.
"Yessss?" Megatron suppressed the urge to yell at Inferno for calling him 'Queen' once again.
"I have completed my patrol. What else can I do to serve the colony?"
"Nothing at the moment Inferno, you're off duty for now."
"But, there are still enemies of the colony to Buurrrrrrrnn!"
Megatron sighed, while Inferno was one of his most loyal soldiers, he was certainly not the most intelligent.
"My lord Megatron." declared Terrorsaur, approaching Megatron, and saluting.
Ah yes, Terrorsaur, another one of his loyal soldiers. "What is it?"
"I've detected some strange signature out in sector Surprise."
"Who's nearest?"
"Waspinator, in fact he's practically right on top of the signature."
Megatron activated his com link, and tried to contact Waspinator. But the wasp had apparently deactivated his com link. Strange. "Inferno, it seems you will be busy after all. Go check out this strange signature and report back. And while you're at it, get that idiot wasp to turn his com link back on."
"Yes my Queen!" Inferno saluted, and left.
---
Dinobot stocked silently through the forest, deep in thought. For some reason (plot!) Rattrap's earlier comment had gotten to him, and he wonder if maybe he did need a new personality. Brief thoughts of chasing women entered his head, but were immediately squashed when he suddenly remembered something. You will develop a half-decent personality...This does not include becoming wishy-washy and chasing women. He didn't actually remember anyone saying this to him, but there it was in his head. Was he hearing voices? Was he insane? Maybe all that violence and fighting had finally taken a toll on him.
Violence.
And then he realized what he would do. The solution was as plain as could be.
---
In the same forest, another beast stocked, but not quite so silently. In fact it was crashing through the forest, tripping on branches and smacking into trees. It almost seemed as if nature itself was conspiring against this individual. He paused momentarily, and thought, quite foolishly, he was safe. But at that precise moment, a certain bird in a tree above decided now would be the perfect time to relieve itself. As the feces dripped down his face, something inside of Tigatron snapped.
"That's it!! I can't take it anymore! Die Nature!! DIE!!" Bark and leaves flew as he attacked the nearest tree.
---
"Die X!!"
The familiar hate filled phrase caught Rampage by surprise. He'd been out enjoying a nice swim, and had been so caught up in slowly pulling an unfortunate octopus apart limb by limb that he hadn't noticed Depth Charge's approach. He cackled maniacally as he dodged the shot and transformed, dropping the octopus in the process. He was quite happy to see Depth Charge; he had been growing bored with the octopus.
"Hello old friend, come to play?"
Depth Charge didn't reply, and Rampage took this as encouragement to continue.
"What's wrong? You aren't still mad about…" The crab paused, grinning sadistically, "…Lovebug?"
Rampage was please to see the look of rage and pain on Depth Charge's face; he'd hit a nerve. Unfortunately, he'd failed to dodge the last missile his enemy had sent his way, so he was not in any position to be gloating. He did anyway. "Poor, poor Depth Charge, she meant a lot to you didn't she?"
"Why?" Moaned Depth Charge, not even aware he'd asked aloud, as he attacked again.
"Because I had the same done to me, the same taken from me! Because I had the right!"
---
Inferno found them in the shade of a large boulder in sector Surprise. Them of course being Waspinator and Transmutate. The latter was sitting at a wooden desk taking notes, while the former was standing before a blackboard, apparently dictating said notes. Strange. What were they doing? And wasn't Transmutate supposed to be dead?
He stood there observing them for a moment, then- "Drone, why have you deactivated your com link?!!" he demanded of Waspinator.
Waspinator shrugged, "Wazzzpinator wazz buzy."
Inferno blinked, and tuned to stare once more at Transmutate. What little logic he had was telling him that when something died, it stayed that way. And yet Transmutate was sitting before him, looking quite alive.
She seemed to sense his dilemma, and turned towards him, abandoning her notes, to explain it to him.
"I was dead, but then I came back; for plot reasons you understand. I am in the list after all."
Waspinator was apparently displeased with that answer, and he taped his pointer on his desk and looked at her sternly.
"Oh right," she exclaimed, looking apologetic, "uh, Tranzzzmutate doezzz not know. What izzz ant-bot doing here?" she amended, looking to Waspinator for approval. The wasp nodded at her and she beamed.
Inferno still didn't quite know what was going on, but he had regained his bearings and decided to carry out his orders.
"Drone, you will immediately turn your com link back on!! The Royalty demands it!"
Waspinator shook his head, "Wazzzpinator izzz buzzy, Wazzzpinator izzz teaching!"
"Teaching?"
"Yezzz, Wazzpinator izzz Englizz teacher."
"You are?" Inferno was shocked to say the least.
"Yezzz."
"The Royalty never said anything about this."
"Megatron doezzzn't know everything."
"He doesn't?" Inferno could only stare in disbelief. Normally anyone daring to show such disrespect for Megatron would have already been torn to shreds, but there was in fact proof. Waspinator was a teacher; he had a blackboard, he had a pointer, and he even had a student.
Inferno could only stare as his whole belief system came crashing down around him.
Of course the other two were completely oblivious to this.
"Wait, wait, wait, how come…err…why doezzz Wazzpinator call Megatron by Megatron'z name, and not T-rex-bot or zzomething elzze?"
"Wazzzpinator alwayzz called Megatron 'Megatron'. Megatron izz a leader."
"Oh zzo then Wazpinator would call Optimus Primal 'Optimuzz Primal'?"
"Yezzz"
"But Wazzpinator wouldn't call Cheetor by Cheetor'z real name."
"No."
"Zo Cheetor would be…what, cheetah-bot?"
"Noooo, zimpler…"
"Cat-bot?"
"Goooood Tranzzzmutate. Now, what izz firzzt rule of Englizz grammar?"
"Death to Pronounzzz!!"
"Very good, Tranzzmutate getzz a zticker."
"A shiny one?"
"…Yezzzz."
"Wazzzpinator iz the greatezzt!"
"Yezzz!! Wazzpinator izz greatezzt of all Predaconz! Wazzpinator will be leader zomeday!"
Inferno, confused as he was saw this as a sign. Waspinator was the greatest of all predacons, and so he should follow Waspinator.
"True Queen of the Colony!!" He exclaimed passionately, saluting Waspinator.
Waspinator was shocked that for once a fellow predacons had realised how truly great he was, but very very pleased.
---
Rattrap was bored again. And since there were others on the bridge at the moment, he couldn't play cards. He looked around and spotted Cheetor leaning over something. He decided to check it out, and snuck up behind the cat.
"Whatcha lookin' at, kid?" The question startled Cheetor and he yelped, whipping around to face a laughing Rattrap. He growled, and then turned back around, gesturing at the small hologram that appeared on his console. The forms of Megatron and Rattrap, both before becoming Transmetal, stood side by side.
"Well, I was just thinking that, in those forms, you are just the right height…"
"De right height for what?"
Cheetor blinked once, as if the answer had suddenly run off, "…Uh, well kick him in the shins…?"
"How very astute of you, Kiddo. I can still do dat, you know, not dat it'd do much damage…"
"Yeah…heheh" Cheetor laughed nervously; he had no idea why he'd just said that.
Optimus, who had been discussing something with Rhinox, stood up abruptly and said that he was going to go recharge. Once he had left the room Rhinox sighed, and whispered lovingly, "Oh Optimus"
Rattrap and Cheetor both heard this, and were quite puzzled; in other words: they were in denial.
Rhinox suddenly whipped around to face them and called them over. They approached cautiously, and he grinned at them through tears that had somehow, despite all logic, formed around his optics. "It's so hard," he admitted once they were near enough, "I mean he has no idea how I feel!"
Rattrap interrupted Rhinox mid-sob. "Rhinox, what are you doing?"
He paused, all thoughts of angst apparently gone, and turned to look at his computer screen. "I'm explaining my true feelings toward Optimus..." he read, and then turned to look at them again, "Yup, that's it. Number 27!"
"Numbah 27?"
"Yeah, on the list."
"What list?"
"Uh...heheh, did I say list, I meant…nist!"
"Dat's not a word!"
"I know…I'm babbling! Don't listen to a word I say!"
Rattrap looked at Rhinox suspiciously, "Rhinox are you feeling Ok?"
"No, that's just it! Weren't you listening? My heart is breaking, you see…"
"You're in love with Big Bot?!?" exclaimed Cheetor incredulously, finally joining the conversation.
"No Kitty cat, he's just…tired. Rhinox, what de hell is dis about!?"
But Rhinox was silent, well actually he was sobbing loudly, but he didn't respond.
Rattrap sighed in exasperation, "Look, he doesn't return your feelings, and well, you should move on!"
"I should?" Inquired Rhinox meekly between sobs
"Yes, yes you should."
"Ok." Rhinox said nodding, and suddenly the tears vanished, and the look of grief he had worn seemed to have melted right off his face, leaving the usual calm one in its wake. "Alright then," and with that he spun back around to face his console, apparently perfectly content to return to work once more.
Rattrap and Cheetor exchanged glances before backing away from the large 'bot slowly.
---
Tigatron was still decimating the forest when Airazor found him. He paused his destroying as she landed and greeted her warmly.
She cocked her head to the side, puzzled and asked "What are you doing?"
"Destroying nature." He responded quite calmly, still as peaceful as ever it seemed.
"I thought you wanted to protect nature?"
"Nope, now I hate it!" He declared cheerfully, stamping on a passing ant.
"I see, so you would, for example, be in favour of clear cutting the rain forest?"
He thought this over for a moment, "Why yes, yes I would! Whatever made you ask such a specific question?"
"I don't know…something to do with the number 16."
"Weird. Was there a particular reason you sought me out?"
"Oh, yes there was. You see Tigatron, I'm a transsexual gone wrong." She admitted casually.
"O…Kay" Tigatron processed this information.
"And I'm suing my surgeon."
"Yes."
"And well, I have to attend a meeting where he will be present."
"Ok."
"And I think you should come with me, to support me."
He paused to consider this, then asked, "Will there be trees to destroy along the way?"
"Uh…sure"
"I'm there!"
And off they went.
---
Depth Charge looked out over the water calmly.
Rampage had been called back to base halfway through their fight, and despite the crab's protests, he had eventually left to stop the pressure on his spark. Depth Charge had been able to use the opportunity to inflict some damage upon the sadistic crab while he was distracted, but in the end Rampage had escaped.
He had taken considerable damage himself, but he didn't feel ready to head back to base.
Lovebug
How he missed her. X, he had stolen her from him without even a second thought. To him she was just another plaything, to be played with and then abandoned when he got bored.
Rage boiled up within Depth Charge, rage that the world could be so cruel, that one such as Rampage could still be free. But he was comforted by the knowledge that he would kill Rampage someday. He didn't know when or how, but he was entirely confident that he would kill X, eventually. There was no doubt in his mind. After so long, there couldn't be.
"Lovebug…"
---
Thus ends the first chapter.
Please send any comments to [email protected].
And chapter 2 will be done very soon.