Jack cried himself to sleep. When he woke up, Ann was leaning over
his bed.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked, concerned. "You look like you visited the future, and found out that you ruined somebody's life!"
Jack burst into tears, and reached for Ann. He needed a good shoulder to cry on. Instead of getting a loving embrace, Jack was slapped across the face and pushed away.
"You jerk!" Ann said. "You fuck around and expect me to comfort you when you find out what you've done? I'm pregnant because of you!" With that, she stormed out of the house. "Ann!" called Jack hoarsely.
But it was too late. Ann had just walked out of his life forever. He didn't know it at the time, but she had taken Koro with her.
Jack walked outside, wondering where to go. He decided to go see Bob, Joe, and Walter. Those little guys always made him feel better. He walked into his tool shed, and took the back door into the Harvest Sprite's cavern. Bob, Joe, and Walter were sitting there, playing strip poker with Vicky. She seemed to be losing horribly.
"What you want, Farmer-man?" asked Bob hostilely. "Don't you know you not wanted anymore?"
"Why?" asked Jack, feeling his throat close up. He was crying uncontrollably today.
"Face it, Farmer-man. You screw up. You make everything bad. Our future children all have three arms and one eye from much incest. You ruin everything!"
"Yeah," said Joe. Suddenly, he stood up and threw a golden hoe at Jack. It narrowly missed his head. "Go dig your own grave!" he said, and then sat down and continued his game of Watch-Vicky-Strip Poker.
Walter looked up. "Yes. I would very much like it if you evacuated our domicile. You seem to be preventing the light from shining on Vicky's succulent body." The failed farmer grabbed his shiny tool and ran from the cave.
He had to get to town. There must be a few sane people left! He entered the town square, and froze. Everyone in the village was there. Eve's Grandpa and the carpenter triplets closed in behind him. The four had an array of horrible weapons with them, ranging from guns to abnormally large spatulas. The other villagers were armed as well.
The mayor stepped forward. "Jack," he said. His voice was amplified, as if he were speaking with a megaphone. "You have failed the village. Everyone hates you, so we have all gathered here to kill you."
"Everyone?" asked Jack. "Yes," replied the mayor, "everyone."
The villagers advanced, brandishing their weapons and growling. Then, Jack noticed something. "Wait!" he said. The villagers listened. "I've noticed something! Maria and the little blonde boy are missing! What happened to them?"
The mayor shrugged. "Oh, them?" he said. "They're gettin' jiggy in my house, and they couldn't make it. But Maria asked me to put in an extra whack for her!" Jack screamed, his voice very high-pitched. Then, the pieces came together.
"Wait!" he cried again. "What now?" asked the exasperated mayor.
"This is a dream!" exclaimed Jack. "Nothing that's happening here makes sense! The little boy's dream is coming true! The mayor said something! Eve's Grandpa left the mountains! Walter wasn't stoned, and used really big words! Ann said bad words, and knew I was sleeping with people beside her! I'm speaking in complete sentences! This must be a nightmare!"
The mayor sneered. "So, you've figured it out, have you? This is indeed a dream, brought to you by Eve (the Beautiful, Bitter Banshee). However, you can still feel pain. Taste spatula, Dumbass!" The villagers attacked him with full force, and, as it is in dreams, Jack did feel pain. He hoped he woke up soon.
He felt a cool cloth on his forehead. "Jack," said a voice. "Jack..." He listened to the voice say his name. It sounded very nice, and it comforted him. "Jack!" The owner of the melodious voice smacked him, hard. "I know you're awake. Get up!"
Slowly, Jack opened his eyes. Ann was above him, staring at his face. She sighed in relief. "I thought you'd never wake up!"
He sat up in bed. Everything looked a little different. "How long did I sleep?" he asked, even though he knew it wasn't a good idea to talk so much right after waking up.
"Well, you fell asleep on the fifth of Spring..." Ann counted the number of days on her hand. "Sixty-seven days," she said at last.
"WHAT?!?" exclaimed Jack. He looked at his calendar. Sure enough, it was Fall.
"Yeah," replied Ann. "I guess you could say you've been in a coma. Maria and I took turns taking care of you."
Jack was deeply touched. "Thank you," he said gratefully.
"Whatever," said Ann. "Now that you're awake, let's go to the Harvest Festival! It's going on right now, and I don't want to miss it."
"Ok," replied Jack. The two went to the festival, and had a great time.
Epilogue:
Jack continued to sleep around with every woman in the village, even when he was married to Maria a year later. She didn't seem to mind. He advised the villagers never to write anything about their family lines, as it might ruin their descendents' chances of romance.
The villagers lived on, and Jack became the temporary mayor until his daughter could step up to the post. While he was mayor, he renovated the town so that it looked like what he saw in the future. When his daughter was old enough to become mayor, they brainwashed her to think that her father was an albino that died of overexposure to sunlight, and that Jack was just one of Maria's many relatives. She believed it, and went on to marry a short, balding fat man with a large red nose.
Jack sent his son to the city, and made him promised to send his child to take over the farm when Jack died. Jack did eventually die, and was buried in an animal cemetery next to Mary Jane's bones. Koro managed to live on, and was still at the farm when Jake took it over. The villagers lived happily and incestuously ever after.
THE END
"What's wrong with you?" she asked, concerned. "You look like you visited the future, and found out that you ruined somebody's life!"
Jack burst into tears, and reached for Ann. He needed a good shoulder to cry on. Instead of getting a loving embrace, Jack was slapped across the face and pushed away.
"You jerk!" Ann said. "You fuck around and expect me to comfort you when you find out what you've done? I'm pregnant because of you!" With that, she stormed out of the house. "Ann!" called Jack hoarsely.
But it was too late. Ann had just walked out of his life forever. He didn't know it at the time, but she had taken Koro with her.
Jack walked outside, wondering where to go. He decided to go see Bob, Joe, and Walter. Those little guys always made him feel better. He walked into his tool shed, and took the back door into the Harvest Sprite's cavern. Bob, Joe, and Walter were sitting there, playing strip poker with Vicky. She seemed to be losing horribly.
"What you want, Farmer-man?" asked Bob hostilely. "Don't you know you not wanted anymore?"
"Why?" asked Jack, feeling his throat close up. He was crying uncontrollably today.
"Face it, Farmer-man. You screw up. You make everything bad. Our future children all have three arms and one eye from much incest. You ruin everything!"
"Yeah," said Joe. Suddenly, he stood up and threw a golden hoe at Jack. It narrowly missed his head. "Go dig your own grave!" he said, and then sat down and continued his game of Watch-Vicky-Strip Poker.
Walter looked up. "Yes. I would very much like it if you evacuated our domicile. You seem to be preventing the light from shining on Vicky's succulent body." The failed farmer grabbed his shiny tool and ran from the cave.
He had to get to town. There must be a few sane people left! He entered the town square, and froze. Everyone in the village was there. Eve's Grandpa and the carpenter triplets closed in behind him. The four had an array of horrible weapons with them, ranging from guns to abnormally large spatulas. The other villagers were armed as well.
The mayor stepped forward. "Jack," he said. His voice was amplified, as if he were speaking with a megaphone. "You have failed the village. Everyone hates you, so we have all gathered here to kill you."
"Everyone?" asked Jack. "Yes," replied the mayor, "everyone."
The villagers advanced, brandishing their weapons and growling. Then, Jack noticed something. "Wait!" he said. The villagers listened. "I've noticed something! Maria and the little blonde boy are missing! What happened to them?"
The mayor shrugged. "Oh, them?" he said. "They're gettin' jiggy in my house, and they couldn't make it. But Maria asked me to put in an extra whack for her!" Jack screamed, his voice very high-pitched. Then, the pieces came together.
"Wait!" he cried again. "What now?" asked the exasperated mayor.
"This is a dream!" exclaimed Jack. "Nothing that's happening here makes sense! The little boy's dream is coming true! The mayor said something! Eve's Grandpa left the mountains! Walter wasn't stoned, and used really big words! Ann said bad words, and knew I was sleeping with people beside her! I'm speaking in complete sentences! This must be a nightmare!"
The mayor sneered. "So, you've figured it out, have you? This is indeed a dream, brought to you by Eve (the Beautiful, Bitter Banshee). However, you can still feel pain. Taste spatula, Dumbass!" The villagers attacked him with full force, and, as it is in dreams, Jack did feel pain. He hoped he woke up soon.
He felt a cool cloth on his forehead. "Jack," said a voice. "Jack..." He listened to the voice say his name. It sounded very nice, and it comforted him. "Jack!" The owner of the melodious voice smacked him, hard. "I know you're awake. Get up!"
Slowly, Jack opened his eyes. Ann was above him, staring at his face. She sighed in relief. "I thought you'd never wake up!"
He sat up in bed. Everything looked a little different. "How long did I sleep?" he asked, even though he knew it wasn't a good idea to talk so much right after waking up.
"Well, you fell asleep on the fifth of Spring..." Ann counted the number of days on her hand. "Sixty-seven days," she said at last.
"WHAT?!?" exclaimed Jack. He looked at his calendar. Sure enough, it was Fall.
"Yeah," replied Ann. "I guess you could say you've been in a coma. Maria and I took turns taking care of you."
Jack was deeply touched. "Thank you," he said gratefully.
"Whatever," said Ann. "Now that you're awake, let's go to the Harvest Festival! It's going on right now, and I don't want to miss it."
"Ok," replied Jack. The two went to the festival, and had a great time.
Epilogue:
Jack continued to sleep around with every woman in the village, even when he was married to Maria a year later. She didn't seem to mind. He advised the villagers never to write anything about their family lines, as it might ruin their descendents' chances of romance.
The villagers lived on, and Jack became the temporary mayor until his daughter could step up to the post. While he was mayor, he renovated the town so that it looked like what he saw in the future. When his daughter was old enough to become mayor, they brainwashed her to think that her father was an albino that died of overexposure to sunlight, and that Jack was just one of Maria's many relatives. She believed it, and went on to marry a short, balding fat man with a large red nose.
Jack sent his son to the city, and made him promised to send his child to take over the farm when Jack died. Jack did eventually die, and was buried in an animal cemetery next to Mary Jane's bones. Koro managed to live on, and was still at the farm when Jake took it over. The villagers lived happily and incestuously ever after.
THE END