Disclaimer: The lyrics used in this story are from the song "Against All
Odds" by Phil Collins. I do not own the song, lyrics, music or anything to
the matter. I simply am a fan of Collin's music and thought the song worked
well with the story. I am gaining no money for the usage and don't plan on
ever owning the song. So la-de-da.
Spot's POV
How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here, taking every breath with you.
You're the only one who really knew me at all. . .
* * *
I could feel the others staring at me after the train left our line of vision. Their eyes were burning my skin and boring holes through my body, but honestly, I didn't give a damn. Jack was gone and even in the huge crowd of Manhattan newsies I felt utterly alone. And I can't even begin to explain how much I hate that feeling.
"Hey Spot, come back ta da lodgin house wit us fer a little while. We could get good an' drunk or somethin equally as numbing," Race suggested breaking the clogged silence from my side.
I turned to look at the others to try and judge how they felt about the situation. All of them looked sympathetic and not one looked disgusted. Huh. I'll have to give them more credit for being more open minded than I thought they would be. Although, I suppose, some of them are probably guilty of the same "crime" as me. Mush and Blink seem to come to mind rather fast. . .
I smiled gratefully at Race who smiled a little back before finishing off his cigarette. I glanced back at the sea of people and finally saw the furious expression I had looked for earlier. Of course it was Sarah, who was openly glaring at me. I should've suspected, I mean, her boyfriend kisses ME and tells ME he loves ME. I didn't exactly expect open arms and smiles from her. But the look on Les's face. . . that I didn't like. He was staring at me as if I had ruined his whole life or massacred his family or something. I knew he idolized Jack, I just didn't know how much.
Beside the both of them David stood throwing me a look of encouragement and apology. That eased me up a bit, as I knew David would probably have a talk with both of his siblings.
I followed Race and the newsies in silence, keeping Jack's black hat tight against my chest at all times. Afraid of what would happen if I dared to let it go. It kind of amazed me that he decided to give it too me. I never saw him without that hat, never. I think he gave it to me so I wouldn't forget him or something. Ha. Like I'll ever be able to forget him. I'd have to die first.
When we got back to the lodging house, no one talked. It was pretty much quiet for a long time. Everyone had questions, or comments, I could tell. They were swimming just beneath they're eyes. I didn't care if they asked them or not. I could deal with both. Even knowing how tired I suddenly was.
"Um, Spot?" Mush started quietly, his voice surprising me but I didn't let him know that. I just nodded in his direction to show I was listening.
"I don't mean to, uh, be nosy or anyt'ing, but, uh, I'se was wonderin how long youse and Jack. . . well you know," He trailed off, suddenly finding his hands quite interesting and his face reddened considerably.
"Four days."
"Four - ya mean right after 'e made da announcement?" Specs asked, furrowing his eyebrows.
"Yeah."
"Well, at least dat explains all da moanin I heard dat night," Bumlets said, scratching his head.
"Youse heard dat too? Huh. I t'ought I'se was da only one," Itey agreed.
Standing beside me, Race was barely containing his laughter. I guess he wasn't joking about Jack's dreaming after all. Made me glad I don't talk in my sleep, or else some nights I would've been screaming.
"So you guys never. . .?" Blink let the end of his question hang in the air, left unsaid.
"Never what? Had sex?" I asked innocently. He blushed furiously, but managed to nod.
"No, we didn't."
"But you DO love him right?" Snitch asked from across the room. Everyone fell silent, awaiting my answer.
"Yeah. I love him," I replied honestly.
Again the room lapsed into an unsettling quiet. This time it was Swifty that broke silence with a question of his own.
"How long have ya loved 'im?"
How long? Hmmm. . . when did I realize it for the first time? Hmm. . .
"A little over a year and three months," I answered after thinking about it for a few seconds.
"Dat long an youse never told 'im? How did ya manage ta do dat?" Skittery asked from beside Snitch.
"Very carefully."
They laughed at this and some of the tension was lifted from the room, even I managed to crack a smile. When the laughing ended, they mumbled about having to sell tomorrow and needing some sleep so they broke up to go to their bunks.
"Sorry I couldn't get 'cha any booze," Race stated turning to me.
"I don't need a drink."
"Well I do."
I smiled. Race always had a way to get you to laugh and smile, especially when you didn't want too. I stood up then to leave for Brooklyn. Race, however, wouldn't let me leave.
"Why don' 'cha stay fer da night Spot?" He whispered seeing as everyone around us was trying to sleep.
"An where do ya suggest I'se sleep exactly?" I asked scowling.
His eyes darted to one of the two empty beds in the room. (One of them was obviously Race's) He didn't have to tell me whose it was, I already knew all too well. Whenever I had stayed over before he always gave up his bed for me to sleep in. While he kicked Snipeshooter out of his. I used to love sleeping their and sometimes made up excuses not to go back to Brooklyn. But how could I sleep there now?
"Race, I -
"It probably still smells like him ya know. An ya could take da pillow home wit 'cha tomorrow if ya want," He said cutting me off.
That was all the incentive I needed to stay. Race was right too, it did smell like him, fresh and slightly dusty. Intoxicating as any drink if you ask me. The smell calmed me and eventually lulled me to sleep. A night filled with dreams too. Dreams that made me VERY happy I didn't talk in my sleep.
* * *
How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave?
Cause we shared the laughter and the pain,
And even shared the tears.
You're the only one who really knew me at all. . .
* * *
I woke up early enough to be able to make it back to Brooklyn before I had to be out selling my papers. The boys were just getting up when I came in into the bunkhouse with my hands full. (Besides Jack's hat, I took the pillow like Race suggested. Yeah, I know, I'm pathetic) They eyed me strangely, no doubt wondering where I was during the night before.
"Hey boss, where was you last night?" One of my more cheerful newsies, Roller, asked me. A wide too bright grin on his face. I almost groaned at him. My heart's broken and he's smiling like it's the second coming of Jesus.
I swear.
"Manhattan," I replied not looking at him any longer and walked over to my unkempt bunk. I put Jack's pillow down and set his hat on top of that.
"Oh, dat's right. The Cowboy left yesterday. Some say it's because 'e couldn't hack it," Rage, one of the best fighter in the whole house and appropriately named for his temper, added gaining some laughs while he smirked through all of it.
It's kind of ironic I guess. I'm in love with Jack and my boys hate him with a passion. Some were jealous of him, still others didn't like that fame he received (as well as power) after the strike. Some I wasn't sure why hated him so. And I never asked. But what Rage said pissed me off. I was sick of their cutting him down every chance they got. And it would become especially bad since Jack wasn't here to defend himself.
"Watch yerself Rage. I'se ain't gonna put up wit nobody's puttin Jack down. Youse got dat?" I growled, glaring daggers at him from my place on my bunk. He drew back like he'd been punched and frowned in shame.
"I'se got it Spot," He muttered.
"Dat's good. You remember it too," I said still angry and frowning.
The room fell quiet from my outburst and I turned my attentions back to Jack's hat and pillow. I took my old pillow and threw it carelessly onto the bunk closest to mine. I left the hat on the pillow where it was though.
"Is dat Kelly's hat?" Blue, a newsie with honest to god dark blue hair, asked me, his eyes widening when he noticed the garment I was fiddling with.
"Yeah."
"You steal it from 'im?" Rage asked eyeing it suspiciously. I guess he was shocked that Jack would part with his trademark hat. That and I don't think he like the idea of me having something on Jack's. For some reason he was the one who hated him the most of all my boys.
"No, 'e gave it to me."
They raised their eyes and I could just see the questions forming in their confused minds. I didn't, and wasn't going to answer any like I did last night. I was too tired, too hungry and too heartbroken to deal with them at the moment.
"We'll tawk later. Right now, wese gots papes ta sell."
With the main objective back in their minds, they quickly forgot all about Jack and everything else. Which was more than fine with me. I prefer to me sad in alone. My misery doesn't seem to like company too well. And this time was no different.
After the left me still in the bunk house, I sighed and trudged over to the door slowly. I glanced back at the hat on my new pillow and got an idea and brought a smile to my face. Walking back to the bunk I picked up the black hat and slung it around my neck the way Jack used to do. It was like my own little sign of respect (and love) for the now missing Manhattan leader.
Somehow I made it through the rest of the day. Until I passed by Irving Hall and heard Medda singing inside like she always was.
I ran the rest of the way to the lodging house.
* * *
So take a look at me now,
Cause there's just empty space.
There's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face.
So take a look at me now,
There's just an empty space.
And you coming back to me is against the odds,
And that's what I've gotta face.
* * *
The first time I saw him he was drunk. And laughing like a madman. Knowing that, you would think he had made a terrible first impression on me. Thinking that you would be wrong. He interested me, because despite his drunkenness he was still trying to maintain some of his leader qualities. Race was with him, but I ignored him for the most part. Instead I remember Jack being very mildly shocked to find who I was and thrusting his hand in my face waiting for me to shake it.
It was what happened next that kept me interested and intrigued with him. I'm not sure what he tripped on, or if his knees just gave out on him, but all of sudden I'm on my back and he's on top of me, laughing again. He's not light either and him being drunk prevented him from not resting all his weight on my smaller body.
'Ya know, I'se do believe you are as pretty as any goil I'se ever seen.'
That line didn't disgust me as it should have, instead I felt my face heat up and thankfully he rolled off of me than. They left shortly after that and I watched them until they had disappeared. And I hoped I would get to see him again soon - and this time when he was sober.
The moment I knew I loved him was pretty shocking for me. Not because I wasn't expecting it, but probably because I realized I'd loved him for longer and had just been hiding the emotions under close friendship. Shielding myself from the reality I lived in day in and day out. It was definitely an eye opening experience.
We were in Medda's that night, and everyone was there. (Meaning all the Brooklyn and Manhattan newsies) I didn't particularly want to stay the whole night, but I figured I had too. Jack couldn't control all of my boys and Sevens, Brooklyn's answer to Race, almost always accused one of the Manhattan boys of cheating him blind if he didn't win. In his mind the only one who could beat him was Race. And we just let him live in his little fantasies.
Anyway, Jack and I were sitting in the shadows more, just kind of observing everyone around us. One thing I can say for a large crowd of drunk newsies is that they can certainly be loud. And slightly annoying. Seeing all of them act like idiots has kept me from ever getting drunk and thinking back, since that first meeting I never saw Jack drunk again. But that night we both had our respective beers by us and watching the chaos. I was frowning and Jack was smirking.
"Do dey always gots ta act like idiots when dare all together?" I mumbled in agitation. Jack shook his head and looked over at me.
"Aw, come on Spot, lighten up. Let 'em 'ave dare fun. Not all of dem are as friendly as youse and I are," He said, standing up from all the teenagers in the room.
"Wese ain't dat friendly," I countered which enticed a sigh from the boy beside me. He turned fully to face me and pushed his beer to side some so he could look directly at me.
"Listen ta yerself Conlon. I'se know youse don' like ta think of me as a friend, but youse knows I am. Youse just livin in da'nile Spot," He said peering right at me.
I hate it when he gets all serious and starts glaring at people. He can be intimidating in his own way. But mostly it's because he's calm and collected. The most laid back leader I've ever met. It takes a lot to get Jack mad, so you know that if you've pissed him off you've really fucked up.
"I ain't in no denial."
"Yes youse are. I know you almost bettah den I knows myself. Youse can fool da world Spot, but ya can't fool me," He said in slow pronounced words.
I just looked at him and he just stared back as if it wasn't hard at all to look me in the eye. Jack was always able to look me in the eye where even the other leaders couldn't. He could take a glare without flinching and dismiss my angered rants as if they were nothing. Whatever I did I couldn't intimidate him. He seemed to think that since he was a leader too he should've be afraid of me. I respected him for that. Even as much as I love fear and intimidation I was always waiting for someone to stand up to me. Jack did it with ease and he's the only one.
It was that night that I actually found out. It was the night I had my first dream and it was probably the most intense one I've ever had. I didn't remember much about the dream really, just some little things. You know, lips, hands, sweat, slow and soft moans, but it was enough to send a rush through my body. And I realized it then that I loved him. It was like having a tornado run rapid through your chest and then leave suddenly, leaving only that overtaking feeling to show that it had indeed been there. As a reminder. I couldn't back to sleep that night and I had to learn how to control myself the next time I was around Jack.
The strike was hard to deal with. Mostly because I had to work so closely with Jack through the whole thing and somewhatly because my boys were cranky for having to help the Manhattan boys and actually listen to what Jack had to say.
I think the rally we had was one of the hardest moments of the strike. Jack had total command of the whole room, and once more he actually sounded like he knew what he was talking about. And then he came down to stand in front of me and asked me what I thought. And he was so close. Too damn close for my nerves. I could practically taste his breath, like I said earlier, self control is a god sent.
But now he's gone. And there isn't any need for all that self control I've perfected over the years. Not that I would've needed it now anyway. Because he loves me. He told me so. God, he told me and he still didn't stay. I really couldn't keep him, even though I prayed that some miracle would keep him here.
Taking his hat off from around my neck I just stared at it. It was all I had, beside memories and feelings of course, left of him. And too me, I wasn't sure if that was enough. I mean, now that I knew I could have him, he leaves and I can't again. Oh, hell, I'm not even making sense to myself right now. All I know is that not just my heart, but my whole nerve and soul is breaking up. Before him I never believed in soul mates.
But they're real.
And just knowing mine left me is enough to make my now incomplete and battered soul start crying. Which soon gets the rest of me sobbing as well until all I can hear is my crying and all I know for sure is the fact that I'm on my bunk, lying on my stomach, my face pressed into Jack's old pillow, hugging his hat to my chest fiercely. I was pretty much oblivious to the world around me at that point.
So oblivious that I didn't hear three of my boys walk in minutes later, just in time to see me crying my eyes out.
And to think, all this started when all I did was pass by Medda's.
* * *
I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry.
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reason's why.
You're the only one who really knew me at all. . .
* * *
"Spot? Um, are youse, uh, what 'appened?" I heard Roller's voice invade my ears and realized that I was no longer alone with my loneliness and hurt. I also realized they had caught me crying. Which made me beyond angry. As far as they knew I couldn't even cry, but here I was blubbering like a five year old child.
Furiously, I swiped at my tears instantly stopping my choked sobs from escaping my throat. I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned to face them with as much pride as I could muster. (Which wasn't all that much) Their expressions didn't help quench my fury, I hate it when people pity me and they looked exactly like they pitied me at that moment.
"I'se fine," I muttered angrily. What were they doing here already anyway? I was always done selling at least an hour before everyone else. I really hadn't lost track of time that easily had I?
The three newsies shifted uncomfortably in the tension filled room. All of them looking ashamed as if they were caught doing something they shouldn't when in reality it was the other way around. None of them moved or said anything and it was beginning to annoy me.
"Is dare a reason youse is 'ere den?" I snapped at them which made them jump and widen their eyes. God, I'm good. Got these boys all trained like dogs or something.
"Nuthin, wese was jist gonna come ask ya's if ya wanted to come wit us ta Medda's," Classic, another small newsie, asked fearfully. He stood between Roller and Rage who were both respectively looking down at the ground.
I paled at the thought of going to Medda's. Look what just seeing it did to me, no way was I going in their unless. . .
"I'll go, if I'se can get Race to go wit us," I said. The three shot me looks of confusion. Not that I could blame them.
"Sure boss, sure. Whatever ya want, it's jist. . ." Rage trailed off, maybe deciding it would be better for his state of health to not finished his comment. I glared anyways.
"What? If youse gots somethin ta say ta me, den say it," I said harshly. He cringed at my tone and cleared his throat.
"It's nuthin really, it's jist, um, well, youse seem ta be hanging around da Manhattan boys a lot. We ain't got no problem wit Racetrack or nuthin, but well wese worried. Ya stayed da night last night and ya show up angry and wit Cowboy's hat and now dis. . ." He trailed off once again, not explaining the situation very well. And I was growing in my anger. What exactly was he trying to imply by all this?
"Dare a point behind yer little rambles dare Rage? An if so, please do share," I replied sarcastically a sneer on my face. He licked his lips nervously and looked everywhere but my face.
"Well, it's jist youse seem ta be takin Kelly's leavin a little personal an all. An, uh, wese ran inta Spinner on da street an, uh, he told us dat 'e was at da station yesterday," Rage continued. This time none of the three looked at me.
Spinner was the right hand man to the Bronx's leader Dodger and he had the annoying habit of coming onto our territory to sell. And knowing that he was at the station, that made me freeze up. How much did he see and/or tell?
"Yeah, so? What's it mattah ta me?" I asked slowly as to not let any emotions enter my voice. Just in case he didn't tell him. But I doubted it, Spinner had a bigger mouth then Race did when he was drunk.
"An, uh, 'e said dat youse and Cowboy was awful close. An dat youse hugged 'im. An dat youse, uh, let 'im kiss you. Why'd ya let Jack kiss you?" Rage asked me boldly. Should've known someone would see Jack kiss me, but at the time I had been too swept in the moment to care a whole lot.
"Because," I answered, knowing that wasn't the answer they wanted, but not willing to tell them the truth just yet. So I turned my head back to the hat which was laying peacefully beside me and idly figured it gently. Not really wanting to disturb it.
"Because why? I mean, Jack can't just assume dat youse'll let 'im kiss you. I mean it ain't like he's was all dat -
"I let 'im kiss me because I love 'im!" I shouted, frustrated with all the questions and the unneeded hate Rage had for Jack. I didn't even realize I had said it until I saw the facial expressions each had. And the shock in their eyes.
"Youse. . . youse can' be serious," Rage said, shaking his head violently. I sighed internally. If they reacted badly to this I could just see myself becoming an honorary member of the Manhattan boys.
"I'se as serious as I'se ever gonna get. Got a problem wit it?" I asked, walking up to Rage and glaring him down. He swallowed hard and let out a shaky breath.
"No, I ain't got a problem wit it. Jist a little surprised is all. I mean, Jack Kelly. . ." Another glare shut him up from saying anything nasty about him.
"So, uh, I guess Race knows huh?" Classic offered, while Roller still looked too stunned to speak. I nodded.
"All of dem knows."
The silence returned but it didn't last long as they said they're goodbyes and see ya laters making their way, still shocked as they weren't whispering to each other yet, down the stairs and back onto the streets of Brooklyn. Leaving me behind in the bunk house. It seemed as if everyone was leaving me behind. Most I was okay with.
Except Jack.
* * *
So take a look at me now,
Cause there's just an empty space.
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face.
So take a look at me now,
There's just an empty space.
But to wait for you,
Is all I can do,
And that's what I've gotta face.
Take a good look at me now,
Cause I'll still be standing here.
And you coming back to be is against all odds,
That's the chance I've got to take.
* * *
It's hard.
I didn't expect it not to be, but it's even harder than I figured it would be. Sure, I've got my friends, Race and the others, but I haven't got the one person I want and need. And no offense, but no one can ever make up for the loss of that one person.
I have dreams still, and I wear his hat a lot, especially if I'm missing him bad enough some day. It makes me feel closer to him. Like all his secrets and the way to get him back are through that hat. Even if I know that in the back of my mind that's ridiculous. Nothing like that is going to bring him back. At least not right away.
I miss him more everyday, sometimes I think I see him even I'm so far out of it. But I never show anyone what I'm thinking. Although, I'm pretty sure Race always knows. I'm beginning to believe that he's a mind reader or gypsy or something.
But ya know what? I'm going to be okay. I know I will. Sure, it hurts like hell right now. Like I've got this huge open wound and someone's consistently pouring gallons of salt in it all the time, but it'll heal eventually. And I'll be alright.
Mostly because I know he'll come back for me sometime. Someday he'll come strolling into Brooklyn with that confident walk and sexy smirk and just stand there waiting for me. I know he will.
Because he promised me he would.
And Jack Kelly always keeps his promises.
* * *
Take a look at me now. . .
* * *
A/N: I. Am. Done. Wow, does it ever feel good to say that. This is my first finished fan fiction, and to celebrate I'll probably go get some ice cream after I finish this little note.
First of all I want to thank all my reviewers, they stuck with me through this whole story and gave me some kick ass reviews! I love you guys for it! I would dance a jig, but I don't dance so forget it. I owe you guys a lot, thank forever.
Second of all, I want to tell everyone who did read this story, and like it, I AM WRITING A SEQUEL!!! The sequel will be called 'Prayers and Promises' so be on the look out for that. I'll try beginning it as soon as possible.
Thirdly, well, there is no thirdly. But whatever. I'm going to get my ice cream now and when I come back I'm going to finish my "party" chapter for my other newsies fic "Second Chances Are Overrated".
Thanks again and bless you all!!! (I feel loved)
Spot's POV
How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here, taking every breath with you.
You're the only one who really knew me at all. . .
* * *
I could feel the others staring at me after the train left our line of vision. Their eyes were burning my skin and boring holes through my body, but honestly, I didn't give a damn. Jack was gone and even in the huge crowd of Manhattan newsies I felt utterly alone. And I can't even begin to explain how much I hate that feeling.
"Hey Spot, come back ta da lodgin house wit us fer a little while. We could get good an' drunk or somethin equally as numbing," Race suggested breaking the clogged silence from my side.
I turned to look at the others to try and judge how they felt about the situation. All of them looked sympathetic and not one looked disgusted. Huh. I'll have to give them more credit for being more open minded than I thought they would be. Although, I suppose, some of them are probably guilty of the same "crime" as me. Mush and Blink seem to come to mind rather fast. . .
I smiled gratefully at Race who smiled a little back before finishing off his cigarette. I glanced back at the sea of people and finally saw the furious expression I had looked for earlier. Of course it was Sarah, who was openly glaring at me. I should've suspected, I mean, her boyfriend kisses ME and tells ME he loves ME. I didn't exactly expect open arms and smiles from her. But the look on Les's face. . . that I didn't like. He was staring at me as if I had ruined his whole life or massacred his family or something. I knew he idolized Jack, I just didn't know how much.
Beside the both of them David stood throwing me a look of encouragement and apology. That eased me up a bit, as I knew David would probably have a talk with both of his siblings.
I followed Race and the newsies in silence, keeping Jack's black hat tight against my chest at all times. Afraid of what would happen if I dared to let it go. It kind of amazed me that he decided to give it too me. I never saw him without that hat, never. I think he gave it to me so I wouldn't forget him or something. Ha. Like I'll ever be able to forget him. I'd have to die first.
When we got back to the lodging house, no one talked. It was pretty much quiet for a long time. Everyone had questions, or comments, I could tell. They were swimming just beneath they're eyes. I didn't care if they asked them or not. I could deal with both. Even knowing how tired I suddenly was.
"Um, Spot?" Mush started quietly, his voice surprising me but I didn't let him know that. I just nodded in his direction to show I was listening.
"I don't mean to, uh, be nosy or anyt'ing, but, uh, I'se was wonderin how long youse and Jack. . . well you know," He trailed off, suddenly finding his hands quite interesting and his face reddened considerably.
"Four days."
"Four - ya mean right after 'e made da announcement?" Specs asked, furrowing his eyebrows.
"Yeah."
"Well, at least dat explains all da moanin I heard dat night," Bumlets said, scratching his head.
"Youse heard dat too? Huh. I t'ought I'se was da only one," Itey agreed.
Standing beside me, Race was barely containing his laughter. I guess he wasn't joking about Jack's dreaming after all. Made me glad I don't talk in my sleep, or else some nights I would've been screaming.
"So you guys never. . .?" Blink let the end of his question hang in the air, left unsaid.
"Never what? Had sex?" I asked innocently. He blushed furiously, but managed to nod.
"No, we didn't."
"But you DO love him right?" Snitch asked from across the room. Everyone fell silent, awaiting my answer.
"Yeah. I love him," I replied honestly.
Again the room lapsed into an unsettling quiet. This time it was Swifty that broke silence with a question of his own.
"How long have ya loved 'im?"
How long? Hmmm. . . when did I realize it for the first time? Hmm. . .
"A little over a year and three months," I answered after thinking about it for a few seconds.
"Dat long an youse never told 'im? How did ya manage ta do dat?" Skittery asked from beside Snitch.
"Very carefully."
They laughed at this and some of the tension was lifted from the room, even I managed to crack a smile. When the laughing ended, they mumbled about having to sell tomorrow and needing some sleep so they broke up to go to their bunks.
"Sorry I couldn't get 'cha any booze," Race stated turning to me.
"I don't need a drink."
"Well I do."
I smiled. Race always had a way to get you to laugh and smile, especially when you didn't want too. I stood up then to leave for Brooklyn. Race, however, wouldn't let me leave.
"Why don' 'cha stay fer da night Spot?" He whispered seeing as everyone around us was trying to sleep.
"An where do ya suggest I'se sleep exactly?" I asked scowling.
His eyes darted to one of the two empty beds in the room. (One of them was obviously Race's) He didn't have to tell me whose it was, I already knew all too well. Whenever I had stayed over before he always gave up his bed for me to sleep in. While he kicked Snipeshooter out of his. I used to love sleeping their and sometimes made up excuses not to go back to Brooklyn. But how could I sleep there now?
"Race, I -
"It probably still smells like him ya know. An ya could take da pillow home wit 'cha tomorrow if ya want," He said cutting me off.
That was all the incentive I needed to stay. Race was right too, it did smell like him, fresh and slightly dusty. Intoxicating as any drink if you ask me. The smell calmed me and eventually lulled me to sleep. A night filled with dreams too. Dreams that made me VERY happy I didn't talk in my sleep.
* * *
How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave?
Cause we shared the laughter and the pain,
And even shared the tears.
You're the only one who really knew me at all. . .
* * *
I woke up early enough to be able to make it back to Brooklyn before I had to be out selling my papers. The boys were just getting up when I came in into the bunkhouse with my hands full. (Besides Jack's hat, I took the pillow like Race suggested. Yeah, I know, I'm pathetic) They eyed me strangely, no doubt wondering where I was during the night before.
"Hey boss, where was you last night?" One of my more cheerful newsies, Roller, asked me. A wide too bright grin on his face. I almost groaned at him. My heart's broken and he's smiling like it's the second coming of Jesus.
I swear.
"Manhattan," I replied not looking at him any longer and walked over to my unkempt bunk. I put Jack's pillow down and set his hat on top of that.
"Oh, dat's right. The Cowboy left yesterday. Some say it's because 'e couldn't hack it," Rage, one of the best fighter in the whole house and appropriately named for his temper, added gaining some laughs while he smirked through all of it.
It's kind of ironic I guess. I'm in love with Jack and my boys hate him with a passion. Some were jealous of him, still others didn't like that fame he received (as well as power) after the strike. Some I wasn't sure why hated him so. And I never asked. But what Rage said pissed me off. I was sick of their cutting him down every chance they got. And it would become especially bad since Jack wasn't here to defend himself.
"Watch yerself Rage. I'se ain't gonna put up wit nobody's puttin Jack down. Youse got dat?" I growled, glaring daggers at him from my place on my bunk. He drew back like he'd been punched and frowned in shame.
"I'se got it Spot," He muttered.
"Dat's good. You remember it too," I said still angry and frowning.
The room fell quiet from my outburst and I turned my attentions back to Jack's hat and pillow. I took my old pillow and threw it carelessly onto the bunk closest to mine. I left the hat on the pillow where it was though.
"Is dat Kelly's hat?" Blue, a newsie with honest to god dark blue hair, asked me, his eyes widening when he noticed the garment I was fiddling with.
"Yeah."
"You steal it from 'im?" Rage asked eyeing it suspiciously. I guess he was shocked that Jack would part with his trademark hat. That and I don't think he like the idea of me having something on Jack's. For some reason he was the one who hated him the most of all my boys.
"No, 'e gave it to me."
They raised their eyes and I could just see the questions forming in their confused minds. I didn't, and wasn't going to answer any like I did last night. I was too tired, too hungry and too heartbroken to deal with them at the moment.
"We'll tawk later. Right now, wese gots papes ta sell."
With the main objective back in their minds, they quickly forgot all about Jack and everything else. Which was more than fine with me. I prefer to me sad in alone. My misery doesn't seem to like company too well. And this time was no different.
After the left me still in the bunk house, I sighed and trudged over to the door slowly. I glanced back at the hat on my new pillow and got an idea and brought a smile to my face. Walking back to the bunk I picked up the black hat and slung it around my neck the way Jack used to do. It was like my own little sign of respect (and love) for the now missing Manhattan leader.
Somehow I made it through the rest of the day. Until I passed by Irving Hall and heard Medda singing inside like she always was.
I ran the rest of the way to the lodging house.
* * *
So take a look at me now,
Cause there's just empty space.
There's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face.
So take a look at me now,
There's just an empty space.
And you coming back to me is against the odds,
And that's what I've gotta face.
* * *
The first time I saw him he was drunk. And laughing like a madman. Knowing that, you would think he had made a terrible first impression on me. Thinking that you would be wrong. He interested me, because despite his drunkenness he was still trying to maintain some of his leader qualities. Race was with him, but I ignored him for the most part. Instead I remember Jack being very mildly shocked to find who I was and thrusting his hand in my face waiting for me to shake it.
It was what happened next that kept me interested and intrigued with him. I'm not sure what he tripped on, or if his knees just gave out on him, but all of sudden I'm on my back and he's on top of me, laughing again. He's not light either and him being drunk prevented him from not resting all his weight on my smaller body.
'Ya know, I'se do believe you are as pretty as any goil I'se ever seen.'
That line didn't disgust me as it should have, instead I felt my face heat up and thankfully he rolled off of me than. They left shortly after that and I watched them until they had disappeared. And I hoped I would get to see him again soon - and this time when he was sober.
The moment I knew I loved him was pretty shocking for me. Not because I wasn't expecting it, but probably because I realized I'd loved him for longer and had just been hiding the emotions under close friendship. Shielding myself from the reality I lived in day in and day out. It was definitely an eye opening experience.
We were in Medda's that night, and everyone was there. (Meaning all the Brooklyn and Manhattan newsies) I didn't particularly want to stay the whole night, but I figured I had too. Jack couldn't control all of my boys and Sevens, Brooklyn's answer to Race, almost always accused one of the Manhattan boys of cheating him blind if he didn't win. In his mind the only one who could beat him was Race. And we just let him live in his little fantasies.
Anyway, Jack and I were sitting in the shadows more, just kind of observing everyone around us. One thing I can say for a large crowd of drunk newsies is that they can certainly be loud. And slightly annoying. Seeing all of them act like idiots has kept me from ever getting drunk and thinking back, since that first meeting I never saw Jack drunk again. But that night we both had our respective beers by us and watching the chaos. I was frowning and Jack was smirking.
"Do dey always gots ta act like idiots when dare all together?" I mumbled in agitation. Jack shook his head and looked over at me.
"Aw, come on Spot, lighten up. Let 'em 'ave dare fun. Not all of dem are as friendly as youse and I are," He said, standing up from all the teenagers in the room.
"Wese ain't dat friendly," I countered which enticed a sigh from the boy beside me. He turned fully to face me and pushed his beer to side some so he could look directly at me.
"Listen ta yerself Conlon. I'se know youse don' like ta think of me as a friend, but youse knows I am. Youse just livin in da'nile Spot," He said peering right at me.
I hate it when he gets all serious and starts glaring at people. He can be intimidating in his own way. But mostly it's because he's calm and collected. The most laid back leader I've ever met. It takes a lot to get Jack mad, so you know that if you've pissed him off you've really fucked up.
"I ain't in no denial."
"Yes youse are. I know you almost bettah den I knows myself. Youse can fool da world Spot, but ya can't fool me," He said in slow pronounced words.
I just looked at him and he just stared back as if it wasn't hard at all to look me in the eye. Jack was always able to look me in the eye where even the other leaders couldn't. He could take a glare without flinching and dismiss my angered rants as if they were nothing. Whatever I did I couldn't intimidate him. He seemed to think that since he was a leader too he should've be afraid of me. I respected him for that. Even as much as I love fear and intimidation I was always waiting for someone to stand up to me. Jack did it with ease and he's the only one.
It was that night that I actually found out. It was the night I had my first dream and it was probably the most intense one I've ever had. I didn't remember much about the dream really, just some little things. You know, lips, hands, sweat, slow and soft moans, but it was enough to send a rush through my body. And I realized it then that I loved him. It was like having a tornado run rapid through your chest and then leave suddenly, leaving only that overtaking feeling to show that it had indeed been there. As a reminder. I couldn't back to sleep that night and I had to learn how to control myself the next time I was around Jack.
The strike was hard to deal with. Mostly because I had to work so closely with Jack through the whole thing and somewhatly because my boys were cranky for having to help the Manhattan boys and actually listen to what Jack had to say.
I think the rally we had was one of the hardest moments of the strike. Jack had total command of the whole room, and once more he actually sounded like he knew what he was talking about. And then he came down to stand in front of me and asked me what I thought. And he was so close. Too damn close for my nerves. I could practically taste his breath, like I said earlier, self control is a god sent.
But now he's gone. And there isn't any need for all that self control I've perfected over the years. Not that I would've needed it now anyway. Because he loves me. He told me so. God, he told me and he still didn't stay. I really couldn't keep him, even though I prayed that some miracle would keep him here.
Taking his hat off from around my neck I just stared at it. It was all I had, beside memories and feelings of course, left of him. And too me, I wasn't sure if that was enough. I mean, now that I knew I could have him, he leaves and I can't again. Oh, hell, I'm not even making sense to myself right now. All I know is that not just my heart, but my whole nerve and soul is breaking up. Before him I never believed in soul mates.
But they're real.
And just knowing mine left me is enough to make my now incomplete and battered soul start crying. Which soon gets the rest of me sobbing as well until all I can hear is my crying and all I know for sure is the fact that I'm on my bunk, lying on my stomach, my face pressed into Jack's old pillow, hugging his hat to my chest fiercely. I was pretty much oblivious to the world around me at that point.
So oblivious that I didn't hear three of my boys walk in minutes later, just in time to see me crying my eyes out.
And to think, all this started when all I did was pass by Medda's.
* * *
I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry.
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reason's why.
You're the only one who really knew me at all. . .
* * *
"Spot? Um, are youse, uh, what 'appened?" I heard Roller's voice invade my ears and realized that I was no longer alone with my loneliness and hurt. I also realized they had caught me crying. Which made me beyond angry. As far as they knew I couldn't even cry, but here I was blubbering like a five year old child.
Furiously, I swiped at my tears instantly stopping my choked sobs from escaping my throat. I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned to face them with as much pride as I could muster. (Which wasn't all that much) Their expressions didn't help quench my fury, I hate it when people pity me and they looked exactly like they pitied me at that moment.
"I'se fine," I muttered angrily. What were they doing here already anyway? I was always done selling at least an hour before everyone else. I really hadn't lost track of time that easily had I?
The three newsies shifted uncomfortably in the tension filled room. All of them looking ashamed as if they were caught doing something they shouldn't when in reality it was the other way around. None of them moved or said anything and it was beginning to annoy me.
"Is dare a reason youse is 'ere den?" I snapped at them which made them jump and widen their eyes. God, I'm good. Got these boys all trained like dogs or something.
"Nuthin, wese was jist gonna come ask ya's if ya wanted to come wit us ta Medda's," Classic, another small newsie, asked fearfully. He stood between Roller and Rage who were both respectively looking down at the ground.
I paled at the thought of going to Medda's. Look what just seeing it did to me, no way was I going in their unless. . .
"I'll go, if I'se can get Race to go wit us," I said. The three shot me looks of confusion. Not that I could blame them.
"Sure boss, sure. Whatever ya want, it's jist. . ." Rage trailed off, maybe deciding it would be better for his state of health to not finished his comment. I glared anyways.
"What? If youse gots somethin ta say ta me, den say it," I said harshly. He cringed at my tone and cleared his throat.
"It's nuthin really, it's jist, um, well, youse seem ta be hanging around da Manhattan boys a lot. We ain't got no problem wit Racetrack or nuthin, but well wese worried. Ya stayed da night last night and ya show up angry and wit Cowboy's hat and now dis. . ." He trailed off once again, not explaining the situation very well. And I was growing in my anger. What exactly was he trying to imply by all this?
"Dare a point behind yer little rambles dare Rage? An if so, please do share," I replied sarcastically a sneer on my face. He licked his lips nervously and looked everywhere but my face.
"Well, it's jist youse seem ta be takin Kelly's leavin a little personal an all. An, uh, wese ran inta Spinner on da street an, uh, he told us dat 'e was at da station yesterday," Rage continued. This time none of the three looked at me.
Spinner was the right hand man to the Bronx's leader Dodger and he had the annoying habit of coming onto our territory to sell. And knowing that he was at the station, that made me freeze up. How much did he see and/or tell?
"Yeah, so? What's it mattah ta me?" I asked slowly as to not let any emotions enter my voice. Just in case he didn't tell him. But I doubted it, Spinner had a bigger mouth then Race did when he was drunk.
"An, uh, 'e said dat youse and Cowboy was awful close. An dat youse hugged 'im. An dat youse, uh, let 'im kiss you. Why'd ya let Jack kiss you?" Rage asked me boldly. Should've known someone would see Jack kiss me, but at the time I had been too swept in the moment to care a whole lot.
"Because," I answered, knowing that wasn't the answer they wanted, but not willing to tell them the truth just yet. So I turned my head back to the hat which was laying peacefully beside me and idly figured it gently. Not really wanting to disturb it.
"Because why? I mean, Jack can't just assume dat youse'll let 'im kiss you. I mean it ain't like he's was all dat -
"I let 'im kiss me because I love 'im!" I shouted, frustrated with all the questions and the unneeded hate Rage had for Jack. I didn't even realize I had said it until I saw the facial expressions each had. And the shock in their eyes.
"Youse. . . youse can' be serious," Rage said, shaking his head violently. I sighed internally. If they reacted badly to this I could just see myself becoming an honorary member of the Manhattan boys.
"I'se as serious as I'se ever gonna get. Got a problem wit it?" I asked, walking up to Rage and glaring him down. He swallowed hard and let out a shaky breath.
"No, I ain't got a problem wit it. Jist a little surprised is all. I mean, Jack Kelly. . ." Another glare shut him up from saying anything nasty about him.
"So, uh, I guess Race knows huh?" Classic offered, while Roller still looked too stunned to speak. I nodded.
"All of dem knows."
The silence returned but it didn't last long as they said they're goodbyes and see ya laters making their way, still shocked as they weren't whispering to each other yet, down the stairs and back onto the streets of Brooklyn. Leaving me behind in the bunk house. It seemed as if everyone was leaving me behind. Most I was okay with.
Except Jack.
* * *
So take a look at me now,
Cause there's just an empty space.
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face.
So take a look at me now,
There's just an empty space.
But to wait for you,
Is all I can do,
And that's what I've gotta face.
Take a good look at me now,
Cause I'll still be standing here.
And you coming back to be is against all odds,
That's the chance I've got to take.
* * *
It's hard.
I didn't expect it not to be, but it's even harder than I figured it would be. Sure, I've got my friends, Race and the others, but I haven't got the one person I want and need. And no offense, but no one can ever make up for the loss of that one person.
I have dreams still, and I wear his hat a lot, especially if I'm missing him bad enough some day. It makes me feel closer to him. Like all his secrets and the way to get him back are through that hat. Even if I know that in the back of my mind that's ridiculous. Nothing like that is going to bring him back. At least not right away.
I miss him more everyday, sometimes I think I see him even I'm so far out of it. But I never show anyone what I'm thinking. Although, I'm pretty sure Race always knows. I'm beginning to believe that he's a mind reader or gypsy or something.
But ya know what? I'm going to be okay. I know I will. Sure, it hurts like hell right now. Like I've got this huge open wound and someone's consistently pouring gallons of salt in it all the time, but it'll heal eventually. And I'll be alright.
Mostly because I know he'll come back for me sometime. Someday he'll come strolling into Brooklyn with that confident walk and sexy smirk and just stand there waiting for me. I know he will.
Because he promised me he would.
And Jack Kelly always keeps his promises.
* * *
Take a look at me now. . .
* * *
A/N: I. Am. Done. Wow, does it ever feel good to say that. This is my first finished fan fiction, and to celebrate I'll probably go get some ice cream after I finish this little note.
First of all I want to thank all my reviewers, they stuck with me through this whole story and gave me some kick ass reviews! I love you guys for it! I would dance a jig, but I don't dance so forget it. I owe you guys a lot, thank forever.
Second of all, I want to tell everyone who did read this story, and like it, I AM WRITING A SEQUEL!!! The sequel will be called 'Prayers and Promises' so be on the look out for that. I'll try beginning it as soon as possible.
Thirdly, well, there is no thirdly. But whatever. I'm going to get my ice cream now and when I come back I'm going to finish my "party" chapter for my other newsies fic "Second Chances Are Overrated".
Thanks again and bless you all!!! (I feel loved)