Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness

A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Authors Notes:

Ever wonder what it would be like if the Yu Yu Hakusho series centered around Kurama and Hiei and not Yusuke? You didn't? Well, you're going to see what it would be like. Actually…it wouldn't be like this at all. Maybe if the guy who created it was on cocaine or something. Here's the first chapter of "Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness." Go me!

Disclaimer: I don't own it. And if I did, I would probably sell it to someone else, because…I'd make it crap.

Chapter One: Observations and Planning

"So, Hiei, I wonder if you would like to grace us with the telling of your oh-so-fantastic plan on obtaining these artifacts." Said a sarcastic voice. Hiei snorted.

"Well, if you would give me some peace and quiet for five minutes maybe I could think of one, Kurama."

Kurama frowned. "Five minutes? FIVE MINUTES?! We've been sitting in this clearing for nine days! And, might I add, it hasn't stopped raining the whole time!" He crossed his arms and tossed his soaking wet hair behind his shoulder. Hiei snorted again.

"Bitch, bitch, bitch, that's all I get from you. 'Stop hitting that tree!', 'Leave the garbage man alone!', 'Don't do that to my toaster!'." Hiei shook the rain from his eyes. He suddenly looked around. "Hey, where's Gouki?"

Kurama shrugged absentmindedly. "How the hell should I know? He went out a few days ago to 'meet with his clients', although I distinctively saw him heading in the direction of Burger King, and he hasn't been back since." Kurama let out an exasperated groan. "Hiei, please! For the love of God, do something about this rain."

"Sorry, you're asking the wrong person." Hiei answered, taking off his white scarf, shaking it and putting it back on. Kurama rolled his eyes.

"Who the hell should I ask then, O Mighty One?" Kurama asked sarcastically. Hiei blinked.

"Aquaman, of course." He stated, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Kurama shook his head.

"First off, I don't think he controls rain. And second, how the hell do you know about Aquaman?" Kurama put a hand over his eyes. "Hold on, I don't even want to know. Well, don't you have some sort of spell or something that you can put around us as a barrier?"

"A spell? Hardly." Hiei bent down and wiped some mud off of his shoes. "I'm not a magician, Kurama. Well, not yet, anyway." Kurama sighed in frustration.

"Well, is there anything you can do?" He asked. Hiei shrugged.

"I could, like you said, put up a barrier. But it's too suspicious. I mean, in the middle of the forest and it's not raining?" Hiei chuckled. "Come on, Kurama. Grow up."

"Whatever." Kurama strode away and plopped down onto the ground with a splash.

"Hey guys, you won't believe what just happened!" Gouki exclaimed, lumbering into the clearing sporting terrible gashes on his body, along with bruises, broken limbs and a missing ear. Kurama cringed.

"What happened to you?" Asked the red head as Gouki sat down and began to inspect his injuries. He frowned and began to wrap up his bleeding arm.

"Well, I was walking with some of the clients I told you I was meeting." Gouki started. Kurama spied a burger wrapper in the other demon's pocket and raised an eyebrow.

"I see." He said, trying not to smirk.

"Anyhoo, when I turned the corner, there was some stupid bounty hunter guy saying that he had a warrant out for my arrest." Gouki shook his head and snickered. "I think his name was Spunky McKill or…something…but anyway, all of a sudden he pulls out this big fucking sword out of God-knows-where and just starts hitting me with it!"

"What did you do?" Kurama inquired, handing Gouki some more bandages from his pack.

"What else?" Gouki smirked. "I KICKED HIS ASS!" He exclaimed loudly, brandishing his fists. Kurama jerked away to avoid being hit and frowned in annoyance.

"Indeed."

"Welcome back, Gouki. Go secure the perimeter." Hiei stated roughly, walking over to them and kicking Gouki up from his position. Gouki frowned.

"Come on, Hiei! Can't you see I'm hurt?" The bigger demon motioned to his missing ear and other various wounds.

"Come on, Gouki! Can't you see I don't care?" Hiei pointed to the trees. "Now GO!" Gouki frowned but obeyed. Kurama rolled his eyes.

"Nice leadership abilities, Hiei. You'll make a wonderful Hitler someday, until your Nazi soldiers tire of you making them construct tents out of toothpicks and kill you while you sleep." The red head stated, trying desperately to start a fire. Hiei shrugged.

"Yeah, probably." Hiei shook his head vigorously, sending a shower of rainwater to fall onto the already soaked Kurama. "So," Hiei continued, ignoring the glares coming to him from Kurama's direction, "How do you supposed we go about stealing these artifacts?" Kurama thought for a moment.

"Well, there's the obvious plan of you hiding in Koenma's office with a sword and killing him." Kurama stated.

"Like 'Clue'?" Hiei inquired. Kurama rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Hiei. Like 'Clue'." He said sarcastically. Hiei smiled and rubbed his hands together.

"Groovy. Sounds like a plan."

"That wasn't the plan, Hiei." Kurama stated, wringing out his hair. Hiei blinked.

"It's not? But you said… aw, damnit." Hiei crossed his arms and turned to Kurama. "Hey, how are you going to explain your absences to your school?"

"Relax." Kurama closed his eyes and waved his hand dismissively. "I've got someone covering for me."

"…It's a broom, isn't it?"

"Right-o."

"Figures." Hiei stood up and looked around to see Gouki listening in on their conversation. Hiei sighed in annoyance. "I don't see a secure perimeter, Gouki." He called. Gouki frowned and trudged away. Hiei smirked and turned back to Kurama. "Enma's gone, right?"

"Correct." Kurama said with a frown, wiping mud off his jeans. "God, I'm never going to get these stains out." He grumbled. Hiei rubbed his hands together evilly.

"Excellent. And doesn't Koenma go golfing on Saturdays?"

"Sundays." Kurama corrected. Hiei waved his hand dismissively.

"Whatever." He snorted. "So, when he goes golfing on Sunday, we can sneak past the guards and get the artifacts. They won't know what hit them!" Hiei added enthusiastically, hitting his palm with his fist. Kurama shook his head and snickered.

"Yeah, good plan, Hiei. Really thought out."

"I'd knew you'd see it my way." Hiei stated, plopping down next to Kurama. "We'll be just like Robin Hood. Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor." Hiei thought for a second. "Only without the giving to the poor part." He added. Kurama rolled his eyes. Gouki walked over and sat next to Hiei.

"Hey, can I be Little John?" Gouki asked.

"…No." Hiei said finally. "Kurama already called it."

"What?" Kurama asked incredulously. "I did not!" Hiei rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Fine, fine, Gouki, you can be Little John." He stated.

"Woohoo!" Gouki exclaimed, thrusting his fists into the air and smacking Kurama in the face. Kurama frowned.

"Damnit! We aren't playing Robin Hood!" He screamed, holding a hand over his sore face. Hiei rolled his eyes.

"Fine, we're not playing Robin Hood." Hiei stated. "But, now we need to get some supplies for the mission." Gouki's eyes lit up.

"Does this mean what I think it means…?" Gouki asked. Hiei grinned slyly.

"It sure does." Hiei jumped up, raising his fists into the air. "TO WAL-MART!"

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(A/N)

Well, there you go. Yep…that was…good? I don't know.

Stay tuned for the second chapter, entitled "Supplies".

Yay.