Title: What to do when summoned by the Tok'ra
Rating: PG
Summary: Eight easy steps on how to deal with the fatal summons… or avoid it altogether.
Spoilers: None!
Author Notes: 8th in the 'What to do when...' series. Contains some S/J
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
What to do when summoned by the Tok'ra
By Ruth
Copyright (c) 2004, Ruth
"Incoming wormhole - Tok'ra IDC received, General."
"Open the iris!" Hammond ordered.
Jack winced and tried not to shriek. Daniel was down at the base of the ramp - too far gone to save. Carter was standing beside him. Teal'c? Where the hell was he? Ah - probably in the commissary, eating his way through the fruit bowl. He caught Carter's eye and they both effectively executed part 1 of their Tok'ra avoidance plan.
Step 1 : Back out of the control room slowly, trying not to alert anyone to your movements.
When they were in the corridor, Jack pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and looked at it, searching, as if it contained the answer to all of his prayers.
"Sir, don't tell me you keep that thing with you," Sam smiled, "It was just a joke…"
"A joke? A JOKE? Carter, you know as well as I do that whenever the Tok'ra arrive, something bad happens. Am I right or am I wrong?"
"Well…"
"I'm right! Come on, we have to complete step 2. If I can read what it says…"
"Did you put it through the washing machine again?" Sam asked, struggling to keep up with her CO as he raced towards the commissary.
"I guess I must've done," he grumbled, "I need to start checking my pants before I take them off."
"Or you could let me do it," Sam smirked, walking ahead of him.
He stopped in the middle of the corridor, a blush rising to his cheeks. He could tell that she had a grin on her face without her even turning around.
"Carter, you always choose the wrong moment…we're about to be invaded by Tok'ra…"
"We're not about to be invaded by Tok'ra, Colonel. You're trying to avoid them, which will probably get us all court-martialled one day because the Tok'ra, whether you like them or not, are a part of our job description."
"They're also a part of my autopsy report," he snarled, "Cause of death: Tok'ra. And what are you laughing about?"
Sam attempted to make a straight face but collapsed into laughter at the seriousness of his expression.
"They're just the Tok'ra, sir!"
"Just the Tok'ra? JUST the Tok'ra? Carter, this conversation is going nowhere fast. Step 2 is to round up Teal'c."
"What about Danny? We can't leave him behind, he won't speak to us for weeks!"
"He's too far gone, Carter, just leave him!" Jack said, stopping outside the commissary door.
"Or, I could go down there and get him," She suggested.
"NO! No, then you'll get sucked in as well," Jack protested, "Just come and get Teal'c and we'll move to step 3."
"O'Neill, I concur with Major Carter. I believe that although the Tok'ra have led us into difficult and dangerous situations in the past, they are just the Tok'ra. I do not understand why you are getting your undergarments in such a confused state."
"Knickers in a twist, Teal'c," Sam offered, still wondering how to calm her CO down.
"I see," Teal'c replied, turning his attention back to Jack, "And what is Step 3?"
"Hide," Jack said, "Deep within the bowels of this mountain there must be a sanctuary that can protect us from the horrors that await…Carter, dammit, I told you this is not funny!"
Sam was almost doubled up on the floor. Jack grew so exasperated that he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder in a fireman's lift, proceeding to carry her through the corridor.
"Colonel!" She said indignantly, "Put me down!"
"No, Carter, you clearly don't understand how serious this situation is. We'll have to hide somewhere they won't be expecting us to…where could we go?"
"You do realise, sir, if my father catches you doing this, you'll be scr…"
He dumped her back on the floor, but didn't slow his pace. Even Teal'c was having difficulty catching up.
"Would SG-1 please report to the briefing room."
"AAAGGGHHH!" Jack yelled, pulling Teal'c and Carter into a nearby storage cupboard and slamming the door shut.
"Great idea of yours, Colonel," Sam growled, "Now we're all stuck in this damned cupboard until the Tok'ra leave, which, by the way, won't be until we get to the briefing room!"
"Damn it, Carter, shut up!" Jack hissed, placing his hand over her mouth. However, when she continued giggling, he knew he'd made a bit of a mistake.
"O'Neill, please remove your hand from my mouth," Teal'c said, in exasperation.
"It's dark in here!" Jack protested, "And if you two had taken me seriously, we wouldn't be crammed in this cupboard and we could have found a proper place to hide!"
"What, like you did last time?" Sam asked, "Standing in a flower pot?"
"Carter…" he hissed.
"Shutting up," she complied.
"O'Neill, what is to be accomplished in Step 4 of your avoidance of the Tok'ra?"
"Step 4 is only necessary when we find out that Steps 1 through 3 have failed," Jack said hopefully, "We don't know that yet."
Suddenly, an announcement came over the base speakers.
"Would a certain SG team remove themselves from the storage cupboard on Level 21 and report to the briefing room immediately?"
"D'oh!" Jack cursed.
"Step 4?" Sam asked.
"Step 4 is to try and make it out of the mountain, but I think we can safely assume that won't work. There's SF's guarding every door in here, and thanks to that announcement we've been caught."
"Well, O'Neill, what must we do?" Teal'c asked, opening the cupboard door.
"The second half of the plan moves into the: 'we have been caught' scenario, and focuses on how to avoid going off world. Let's go to the briefing room," Jack said grimly, marching off into the distance.
Sam looked at Teal'c, and Teal'c looked back at Sam with an eyebrow raised.
"Let's just do what he says," Sam said, in a harsh whisper. "It stops him becoming agitated."
"WHAT?" Jack shouted from down the corridor, "Are you talking about me?"
"No!" Teal'c replied, a little too hurriedly, "We are right behind you, O'Neill."
Hammond laughed nervously.
"I'm sure they're just taking their time," he smiled at Anise, who was not looking amused.
"Indeed. As they always do whenever we arrive?"
"It's nothing against you," Daniel said, trying to be diplomatic.
"I do believe you're lying, Doctor Jackson," Anise said coolly.
"Ah!" Hammond said, in mock surprise as the other three members of SG-1 entered the room, "Here you all are. You were doing paperwork, weren't you?"
"Yes, sir," they replied in unison. Sam turned to Daniel and received a dirty look.
"Step 5," she repeated under her breath, so only Daniel could hear, "Is to stay together at all costs."
He nodded and sat down beside her, opposite Anise, who was very well aware of what was going on.
"We have gathered some information about a new Goa'uld mother ship being built. We would like you to…
Jack looked down at the piece of paper in his hands.
Step 6 - Act instinctively. Nothing must be left to chance.
"No!" He said quickly, trying to calm himself down. Anise shot him a hard look.
"And why is that, Colonel?"
"I mean, we still have a LOT of paperwork to get through, and the Tok'ra are much better equipped to…destroy things…"
"You must partake in this mission!" she shouted angrily, "In the good faith of the Tok'ra-Earth alliance!"
Step 7 - whatever you do, don't break the sacrosanct Tok'ra-Earth alliance.
"Anise," Daniel offered with a smile, "We don't want to break up the alliance, we just don't want to…"
"Die," Jack replied dryly.
"And why should that happen? We have no records of this…."
"Well, on your missions we are being placed in jeopardy, captured, tortured, killed…with alarming regularity," Sam said.
"I resent the implication that the Tok'ra-Earth alliance I…"
"Whoa," Jack said, confused, "Sam didn't mention the alliance. You just brought it up to make yourself sound more important, didn't you?"
Anise's eyes flashed. Jack swore under his breath. Hammond gritted his teeth.
"Colonel…." he warned.
"I'm sorry, but my team and I are not willing to put ourselves through unnecessary risks EVERY time you come running!"
"It is your job!" Anise shot back, rising to her feet and leaning over the table to glare at Jack.
"It's not our job to get beaten up and kidnapped," he said, "And we're not your personal run-arounds. Do it your frickin' selves!"
Daniel put his face in his hands.
Sam looked at her feet.
Teal'c raised an eyebrow.
Anise was trembling with anger. Slowly, Jack leant sideways in his chair to whisper in Carter's ear.
"I think it's time for Step 8, Major."
She nodded.
"If you'll excuse me for a moment, General," Jack smiled, "I have to get some of that paperwork out of my office…to use in this discussion…"
"Quickly," Hammond barked.
Jack got up from his chair and walked slowly to the door. Then, giggling like a small child, he ran away down the corridor and off of the mountain.
Fortunately, they had a backup Step 8, in the event of Colonel O'Neill running off like a girl.
"Backup Step 8" Sam mouthed at Teal'c, who nodded.
Under the table, Sam pulled a small remote out of her pocket and pressed the top button.
A large explosion rocked the briefing room, and it was filled with dust and smoke.
"Anise? Are you okay?" Hammond asked, pulling the Tok'ra to her feet.
"I believe so, General Hammond," she replied, looking around the room.
The dust settled. There was no sign of SG-1.
"Where have they gone this time?" she snapped.
"Your guess is as good as mine," Hammond replied. "They must be getting desperate. They haven't blown up the briefing room before."
"General," Anise shouted, "I strongly suggest that you discipline your officers! In the interest of the Tok'ra-Earth alliance they must co-operate with us fully on missions, not go running off, blowing up the briefing room…"
"I understand this, Anise…"
"Hiding in a flower pot! Last time, Teal'c put a lampshade on his head! Frankly, Major Carter should be searched for explosive devices before she enters this room and your second-in-command needs to learn to have some responsibility!"
"Yes, Anise, I…"
"And then," she yelled, continuing her tirade, "There was the time that Colonel O'Neill drew red spots on his face, Dr Jackson pretended to faint, Teal'c hid in the lift shaft and Major Carter blew up the commissary!"
"Yes, I've spoken to them about these incidents, and…"
"AND THEN! They chained themselves to the Stargate….
THE END
Author's Note: Sorry again about the delay for this one. Please send feedback to Any ideas about what you would like to see done in the next chapter??
Rating: PG
Summary: Eight easy steps on how to deal with the fatal summons… or avoid it altogether.
Spoilers: None!
Author Notes: 8th in the 'What to do when...' series. Contains some S/J
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
What to do when summoned by the Tok'ra
By Ruth
Copyright (c) 2004, Ruth
"Incoming wormhole - Tok'ra IDC received, General."
"Open the iris!" Hammond ordered.
Jack winced and tried not to shriek. Daniel was down at the base of the ramp - too far gone to save. Carter was standing beside him. Teal'c? Where the hell was he? Ah - probably in the commissary, eating his way through the fruit bowl. He caught Carter's eye and they both effectively executed part 1 of their Tok'ra avoidance plan.
Step 1 : Back out of the control room slowly, trying not to alert anyone to your movements.
When they were in the corridor, Jack pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and looked at it, searching, as if it contained the answer to all of his prayers.
"Sir, don't tell me you keep that thing with you," Sam smiled, "It was just a joke…"
"A joke? A JOKE? Carter, you know as well as I do that whenever the Tok'ra arrive, something bad happens. Am I right or am I wrong?"
"Well…"
"I'm right! Come on, we have to complete step 2. If I can read what it says…"
"Did you put it through the washing machine again?" Sam asked, struggling to keep up with her CO as he raced towards the commissary.
"I guess I must've done," he grumbled, "I need to start checking my pants before I take them off."
"Or you could let me do it," Sam smirked, walking ahead of him.
He stopped in the middle of the corridor, a blush rising to his cheeks. He could tell that she had a grin on her face without her even turning around.
"Carter, you always choose the wrong moment…we're about to be invaded by Tok'ra…"
"We're not about to be invaded by Tok'ra, Colonel. You're trying to avoid them, which will probably get us all court-martialled one day because the Tok'ra, whether you like them or not, are a part of our job description."
"They're also a part of my autopsy report," he snarled, "Cause of death: Tok'ra. And what are you laughing about?"
Sam attempted to make a straight face but collapsed into laughter at the seriousness of his expression.
"They're just the Tok'ra, sir!"
"Just the Tok'ra? JUST the Tok'ra? Carter, this conversation is going nowhere fast. Step 2 is to round up Teal'c."
"What about Danny? We can't leave him behind, he won't speak to us for weeks!"
"He's too far gone, Carter, just leave him!" Jack said, stopping outside the commissary door.
"Or, I could go down there and get him," She suggested.
"NO! No, then you'll get sucked in as well," Jack protested, "Just come and get Teal'c and we'll move to step 3."
"O'Neill, I concur with Major Carter. I believe that although the Tok'ra have led us into difficult and dangerous situations in the past, they are just the Tok'ra. I do not understand why you are getting your undergarments in such a confused state."
"Knickers in a twist, Teal'c," Sam offered, still wondering how to calm her CO down.
"I see," Teal'c replied, turning his attention back to Jack, "And what is Step 3?"
"Hide," Jack said, "Deep within the bowels of this mountain there must be a sanctuary that can protect us from the horrors that await…Carter, dammit, I told you this is not funny!"
Sam was almost doubled up on the floor. Jack grew so exasperated that he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder in a fireman's lift, proceeding to carry her through the corridor.
"Colonel!" She said indignantly, "Put me down!"
"No, Carter, you clearly don't understand how serious this situation is. We'll have to hide somewhere they won't be expecting us to…where could we go?"
"You do realise, sir, if my father catches you doing this, you'll be scr…"
He dumped her back on the floor, but didn't slow his pace. Even Teal'c was having difficulty catching up.
"Would SG-1 please report to the briefing room."
"AAAGGGHHH!" Jack yelled, pulling Teal'c and Carter into a nearby storage cupboard and slamming the door shut.
"Great idea of yours, Colonel," Sam growled, "Now we're all stuck in this damned cupboard until the Tok'ra leave, which, by the way, won't be until we get to the briefing room!"
"Damn it, Carter, shut up!" Jack hissed, placing his hand over her mouth. However, when she continued giggling, he knew he'd made a bit of a mistake.
"O'Neill, please remove your hand from my mouth," Teal'c said, in exasperation.
"It's dark in here!" Jack protested, "And if you two had taken me seriously, we wouldn't be crammed in this cupboard and we could have found a proper place to hide!"
"What, like you did last time?" Sam asked, "Standing in a flower pot?"
"Carter…" he hissed.
"Shutting up," she complied.
"O'Neill, what is to be accomplished in Step 4 of your avoidance of the Tok'ra?"
"Step 4 is only necessary when we find out that Steps 1 through 3 have failed," Jack said hopefully, "We don't know that yet."
Suddenly, an announcement came over the base speakers.
"Would a certain SG team remove themselves from the storage cupboard on Level 21 and report to the briefing room immediately?"
"D'oh!" Jack cursed.
"Step 4?" Sam asked.
"Step 4 is to try and make it out of the mountain, but I think we can safely assume that won't work. There's SF's guarding every door in here, and thanks to that announcement we've been caught."
"Well, O'Neill, what must we do?" Teal'c asked, opening the cupboard door.
"The second half of the plan moves into the: 'we have been caught' scenario, and focuses on how to avoid going off world. Let's go to the briefing room," Jack said grimly, marching off into the distance.
Sam looked at Teal'c, and Teal'c looked back at Sam with an eyebrow raised.
"Let's just do what he says," Sam said, in a harsh whisper. "It stops him becoming agitated."
"WHAT?" Jack shouted from down the corridor, "Are you talking about me?"
"No!" Teal'c replied, a little too hurriedly, "We are right behind you, O'Neill."
Hammond laughed nervously.
"I'm sure they're just taking their time," he smiled at Anise, who was not looking amused.
"Indeed. As they always do whenever we arrive?"
"It's nothing against you," Daniel said, trying to be diplomatic.
"I do believe you're lying, Doctor Jackson," Anise said coolly.
"Ah!" Hammond said, in mock surprise as the other three members of SG-1 entered the room, "Here you all are. You were doing paperwork, weren't you?"
"Yes, sir," they replied in unison. Sam turned to Daniel and received a dirty look.
"Step 5," she repeated under her breath, so only Daniel could hear, "Is to stay together at all costs."
He nodded and sat down beside her, opposite Anise, who was very well aware of what was going on.
"We have gathered some information about a new Goa'uld mother ship being built. We would like you to…
Jack looked down at the piece of paper in his hands.
Step 6 - Act instinctively. Nothing must be left to chance.
"No!" He said quickly, trying to calm himself down. Anise shot him a hard look.
"And why is that, Colonel?"
"I mean, we still have a LOT of paperwork to get through, and the Tok'ra are much better equipped to…destroy things…"
"You must partake in this mission!" she shouted angrily, "In the good faith of the Tok'ra-Earth alliance!"
Step 7 - whatever you do, don't break the sacrosanct Tok'ra-Earth alliance.
"Anise," Daniel offered with a smile, "We don't want to break up the alliance, we just don't want to…"
"Die," Jack replied dryly.
"And why should that happen? We have no records of this…."
"Well, on your missions we are being placed in jeopardy, captured, tortured, killed…with alarming regularity," Sam said.
"I resent the implication that the Tok'ra-Earth alliance I…"
"Whoa," Jack said, confused, "Sam didn't mention the alliance. You just brought it up to make yourself sound more important, didn't you?"
Anise's eyes flashed. Jack swore under his breath. Hammond gritted his teeth.
"Colonel…." he warned.
"I'm sorry, but my team and I are not willing to put ourselves through unnecessary risks EVERY time you come running!"
"It is your job!" Anise shot back, rising to her feet and leaning over the table to glare at Jack.
"It's not our job to get beaten up and kidnapped," he said, "And we're not your personal run-arounds. Do it your frickin' selves!"
Daniel put his face in his hands.
Sam looked at her feet.
Teal'c raised an eyebrow.
Anise was trembling with anger. Slowly, Jack leant sideways in his chair to whisper in Carter's ear.
"I think it's time for Step 8, Major."
She nodded.
"If you'll excuse me for a moment, General," Jack smiled, "I have to get some of that paperwork out of my office…to use in this discussion…"
"Quickly," Hammond barked.
Jack got up from his chair and walked slowly to the door. Then, giggling like a small child, he ran away down the corridor and off of the mountain.
Fortunately, they had a backup Step 8, in the event of Colonel O'Neill running off like a girl.
"Backup Step 8" Sam mouthed at Teal'c, who nodded.
Under the table, Sam pulled a small remote out of her pocket and pressed the top button.
A large explosion rocked the briefing room, and it was filled with dust and smoke.
"Anise? Are you okay?" Hammond asked, pulling the Tok'ra to her feet.
"I believe so, General Hammond," she replied, looking around the room.
The dust settled. There was no sign of SG-1.
"Where have they gone this time?" she snapped.
"Your guess is as good as mine," Hammond replied. "They must be getting desperate. They haven't blown up the briefing room before."
"General," Anise shouted, "I strongly suggest that you discipline your officers! In the interest of the Tok'ra-Earth alliance they must co-operate with us fully on missions, not go running off, blowing up the briefing room…"
"I understand this, Anise…"
"Hiding in a flower pot! Last time, Teal'c put a lampshade on his head! Frankly, Major Carter should be searched for explosive devices before she enters this room and your second-in-command needs to learn to have some responsibility!"
"Yes, Anise, I…"
"And then," she yelled, continuing her tirade, "There was the time that Colonel O'Neill drew red spots on his face, Dr Jackson pretended to faint, Teal'c hid in the lift shaft and Major Carter blew up the commissary!"
"Yes, I've spoken to them about these incidents, and…"
"AND THEN! They chained themselves to the Stargate….
THE END
Author's Note: Sorry again about the delay for this one. Please send feedback to Any ideas about what you would like to see done in the next chapter??