WARNING- MAY CONTAIN YAOI, RANDOM INSANITY, AND YULI BASHING.
Dedicated to everyone who hates Yuli, Paul Dobson's voice, and loves the Masho.
A Samurai troopers fic.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except 3 potatoes. In a few days, I won't even own that much. Don't sue.
Ryo = Ryo Sanada
Rowen = Toma Hashiba
Sage = Seiji Date
Cye = Shin Mouri
Kento = Shu Le Faun
Anubis = Oni Masho Shuten Douji
Dais = Gen Masho Rajura
Cale = Yami Masho Anubis
Seckmet = Doku Masho Naaza
Chapter 1 "The Voice"
The scream echoed throughout the netherworld. The pure, tortured scream of someone who is being burned alive, eaten by wild animals, or, more exactly, the scream of a person who is watching the Samurai Trooper's English dub.
Shuten was curled up into a trembling ball. His spine twisted with every word that, that thing uttered. Its voice…their voices…he threw up as Anubis came on the screen. Shuten's ears burned like any other human's would.
"Lady Kayura, you're free now."
That wasn't the worst of it. Yuli came on screen. Yuli opened his mouth and…Shuten passed out before the prolonged exposure to Yuli killed him.
The other three Masho jumped as they heard the scream.
"Who was that!"
Naaza shrugged. "It was definently a feminine shriek, but there aren't any girls here."
The other two looked at each other.
"Shuten!"
"And you actually lived through it!" The other Masho were incredulous. Sure, there had been rumors, but never any documented proof that someone had actually survived watching the Ronin Warriors. Shuten nodded, still pale and shaking.
"You're an idiot," Naaza said, "A stupid brat and I think Aragosama made a big mistake in choosing you. Watching the English dub…and I thought the author of this fic was dumb!"
A grand piano materialized above Naaza's head.
"Umm…just kidding, Simone, you're a great author, really talented…"
OF COURSE I AM! NOTE THAT YOU DON"T GET TO TALK IN CAPITAL LETTERS WITHOUT QUOTATION MARKS!
The piano fell on him anyway.
*NOTE- there are legends of two people who are supposed to have lived through the dub. Charlie, because she laughed through the whole thing, and Simone because she's just crazy that way. The existence of these two, however, has not been scientifically proven as they wish to avoid being shipped back to their home planet, Planet Glomp.
"RAJURA!" Rajura opened his eyes to find the Oni Masho staring at him.
"What is it! Shuten, it's two o' clock in the morning!"
"I'm scared."
Rajura sighed. "Shuten, you're four hundred and something years old and you're freaking out over a nightmare!"
Shuten's lip quivered. "It was him! He smiled and he talked and he laughedandhe
soundedsosacaryanhewas…"
The words faded into gibberish and Rajura was forced to slap him to get him to shut up.
"So what's your point?"
Shuten looked down at the floor and dug his toe into the carpet.
"Can I sleep here tonight, please?"
Rajura sighed, again. You've done it before. Remember when you were drunk and we…oh. You were drunk. I am so glad you don't know what I am thinking… "If I say no, you're going to cry, right? And then you'll most likely sit outside my door and sneak in as soon as I fall asleep."
Shuten nodded. Man this guy is smart! "Yeah."
"Okay, but don't count on it in the future."
"Yippee!"
"And Naaza and Anubis are not going to know about this, right?"
"Right."
A black vortex appeared where the video lay in Shuten's room
At the Koji household things were hectic to say the least.
"Mia! Ryo was trying to get White Blaze to eat me again!"
"Ryo! How many times have I told you that no creature is that desperate for food!
Yuli smiled. "Yeah! No creature's that desperate for…hey!"
Mia continued slicing carrots, pretending that each one was the little brat's head. Yuli decided that Ryo was being grouchy and decided to harass her instead.
"Can I help?"
Go back home, you little freeloader. "No."
"Awww, but I really want to!"
Mia gritted her teeth. "Okay, Yuli, you can help. You know where the lake is?"
Yuli nodded.
"Alright. See, Ryo lost one of his tennis shoes when they were out boating and he really wants it back. It was very, very special to him, but now it's in the middle of the lake. If you get it for him, he'll be so happy. He might even adopt you."
Yuli's eyes watered with happiness and the seasonal allergies that always bothered him around this time of the year. He blew his nose on Mia's curtains.
"But how do I get down there?"
" Take a boat to the middle of the lake. Take a huge boulder-you might want to ask Kento- and tie yourself securely to it. Then cut a hole in the boat so it sinks to the bottom and you can grab the tennis shoe!"
Yuli looked suspicious. "How will I get back up?"
Mia was surprised that Yuli was that intelligent. " The shoe is, uh, magical and it will, um make you float back up."
Yuli skipped merrily out the door to get the non-existent shoe and did what Mia told him to. As he was about to jump in, however, he was sucked into an evil black vortex and transported to the world of the Samurai Troopers.
The door to Rajura's room was flung open. Naaza turned around and locked it.
"Rajura? This is kinda important…"
Naaza sighed. He hated waking up the others because, well, they normally didn't really want him to touch them. Rajura had personally threatened to rip out his throat if he ever woke him up.
Don't freak out now! He chided himself. You kind of have to let the others know.
"What ever is the matter Naaza? You better hope it's important."
Naaza jumped. "There's something out there. It came out of Shuten's room and it, it tried to hug me."
Rajura shuddered. Gods! The thing must be deranged, trying to hug Naaza.
"You sure?"
Naaza nodded.
"Sure about what?" Rajura glared at Shuten. Great, Naaza will never shut up about this! Naaza's momentary look of surprise was replaced by a smirk. He looked at Shuten, then at Rajura. Rajura knew what he was thinking.
"Sorry if I intruded. I didn't exactly know. Of course, if you guys were um, fu-
"SHUT UP YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE!"
"…eachother I'm sorry to interrupt. I probably ruined the whole mood and all…"
Rajura turned scarlet. Shuten looked faintly amused. Somewhere in Africa a monkey ate a banana.
A pounding on the door interrupted the awkward silence that was beginning to follow.
"IT'S COMING! LET ME IN!"
Naaza opened the door to let the Yami Masho in.
"It's out there. It tried to glomp me.'
"Calm down! Who did it?"
"An evil, bad smelling little loser. It was evil, Naaza. It smiled an evil snotty smile! It-" Anubis stopped as he noticed Shuten. He noticed then that Shuten was in Rajura's bed. The Yami Masho threw a questioning glance at Naaza, who nodded.
"Oh. Were you two in the middle of something?"
"NO!"
"Okay, okay, I was just finding it odd that you two were lovers that's all…"
I wish…"WE'RE NOT @#$%-ING LOVER'S"
Naaza whispered to Anubis, who laughed.
"One night stand?"
Rajura was just going to strangle them both when he heard something down the hall. It was speaking English, he noted with surprise. And its voice sent a shudder of dread down his spine. Shuten turned white.
Rajura started. "Its Yuli."
"Who?"
"Yuli. From the Ronin Warriors."
Shuten fainted. Naaza and Anubis looked at eachother.
"Not much of a leader, is he? Why did Arago choose him?"
Rajura glared at them. " Do you guys understand what I just said? Its Yuli out there! Yuli!"
"Yeah, we heard you the first fifty times," Naaza muttered under his breath, but inside he was worried. What if it is Yuli? What if it came here?
"Yuli's not real! He's from a stupid tv show!
"Well, you tell me what it looks like!
"Fine."
Naaza opened the door.
"Nothing's out here!"
"You sure? Check down the hall."
Naaza swallowed nervously. "All right."
He never remembered the hall being so dark before. Or so long. Nothing's down here, nothing's down here…Naaza heard the sound of a door being locked and the sound of a certain red-haired Masho laughing. He was locked out.
"Damn you Shuten! Let me in! Rajura, Anubis make him open the door!"
"Why Naaza? Scared? Gonna piss yourself?"
"Shuten!"
"Watcha doin? Where's Ryo? I'm cold! I'm tired! I need to go potty! I wanna play with White Blaze! Will you be my friend?"
Naaza turned around slowly, very slowly. He saw Yuli. He stared. He continued seeing Yuli. Almost as slowly as it took for him to turn around, the message began to sink in. Yuli was real. He was real and right in front of him. Naaza screamed in terror like a little wussy kid.
"Why ya screamin like that?"
Naaza, who did not understand one word of English, whimpered quietly.
"You don't like me!" Yuli's horrible eyes began to fill with tears. The brat's body shook. He opened his mouth and wailed like a banshee.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Naaza covered his ears. "Yamino! Please, please, please don't do that again."
Yuli stared at him. He did not understand one word of Japanese, but got the drift of what he was saying.
"You're Canadian, aren't you?" Yuli sighed. "I don't speak Canadianish. We can still be friends, though. Right? Understand?" Yuli extended one snot-covered hand in a token of friendship. Naaza tried not to throw up.
"Rajura. It's talking to me. What do I do?"
"Just stay calm. I'll think of something. Oh, wait, what did you say about me and Shuten again?"
" Alright! I'm sorry. Now will you help me?"
He heard Shuten laugh. "Oh, you'll be sorry all right. I'm sure you'll be sorry when Yuli forces you to spend some quality time with him…he could be your new best friend…"
"Shuten!"
"Naaza!"
"Please, Shuten!" Naaza heard laughter from the other side of the door. Then he saw Yuli coming towards him, arms outstretched. He closed his eyes. Nothing happened. Slowly, he glanced at Yuli.
Yuli lay there with a chain running through his body. Naaza didn't have to look to know that it was Shuten's handiwork. Shuten used his foot to gingerly slide the corpse off the chain. He turned to Naaza and held out the kusari gama.
"You're cleaning this."
"S-sure."
They went back to Rajura's room to argue about who had to dispose of the body.