Title: Homecoming II: Decree Nisi
Author: oceanwave
Rating: PG
Summary: Trouble in paradise? Nick, Sara, their daughter and their struggles. N/S
Disclaimers: I just borrowed the characters. CBS/Viacom, Alliance Atlantis, Jerry Bruckheimer Productions, and the creators/producers of CSI own the characters.
Author's Note: Sequel to 'Homecoming'
This story is in fact a sequel, but you don't really need to read the original; and since this story is going to move backwards, it's going to pick up and summarize certain moments from 'Homecoming'. However, if you do want to, go right ahead and read the original.
This story is going to be different from the others that I've written, well the event sequence anyway. This fic is going to go from the present, and head... backwards to the past, - a la 'Momento'. From the past, it will once again travel forwards. I know that this will be difficult for some readers, especially in being able to remember certain details, but it's all about cause and effect.
Think of it as a big puzzle, you don't see it when you first look at it, but with every piece, you see the big picture. Likewise, this fic is going to start with a big fat "huh?" and as it progresses, certain chapters, will provide answers to all the questions.
As a sequel, this story is a lot 'heavier' than its predecessor, and is centered on character development and social relationships/ interaction; the science of CSI only appears in trace amounts.
WARNING: I know that I have already labeled it on the summary, but this is in fact a N/S fic. If you do not prefer this pairing, or don't feel comfortable with such a pairing, then I would advise you to stop reading this instant. I am aware of some "flamers" out there, and I just wanted to state that this is in fact a N/S fic. So don't say I didn't warn you. Just try to keep in mind that when reviewing - if you choose to - that "if you don't' have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."
There, I think I've addressed all my concerns and given a semi-prologue to this fic, so read on, and review. Oh, it feels good to write again! And can't forget to thank my beta, Kelly, thank you so much for helping with this – you are awesome.
~*~
Chapter One
~*~
"I want a divorce!"
"Whatever you want!"
His chest heaved as he spoke such words; his eyes were fixed on the woman before him. He turned to walk out the door, leaving behind his weeping wife. He walked towards his black jeep and slammed the door shut.
"Damnit Sara," he cursed, slamming his hands against the stern steering wheel. Today was their first day in couple's therapy, and to his dismay the situation ended worse off than it had begun. His head sank at the bitterness and anguish that his wife's tone had taken; the same argument had taken place over the years they had been married. He began his breathing exercises to calm his frayed nerves, but groaned at the sound of his cell phone ringing. Looking over at the phone, he quickly glanced at the small picture that rested on the dashboard. He smiled slightly; he couldn't wait to get home.
"Hi Jessie," he answered.
"I'll be home soon," he continued, before hanging up the phone.
Again, he looked over at his daughter's picture. She was utterly his pride and joy, and he very much looked forward to seeing her and getting her ready for school. With such a hectic schedule, he and Sara had enrolled her into an afternoon class to avoid any complications with their schedule. Sitting in the driver's seat, he remained distracted by the picture that was taken not too long ago, it had Jessica and Sara side by side at the beach - smiling. Further studying the picture made his mind drift to his wife, he sighed. He regretted that everything had boiled down to this moment, and hating the way he left their therapy session.
'We'll get through this,' he thought, '-hopefully.'
Hesitant, he pulled out of the parking space and drove down the strip towards the home they shared.
~*~
She rushed past the emergency room entrance, and once inside she scanned for the closest nursing station. The room held a still silence, with nurses and various doctors walking up and down the hallway. The distant sound of the intercom in the background, she looked around mindlessly, her mind engulfed with fear - frantically searching, for anything, something, someone.
"Sara," a voice called. She whirled around and spotted her husband.
"Nick, what the hell happened," she asked harshly. She walked up to him, and just as she was to begin her interrogation, a nurse walked out of the nurse's station.
"Dr. Redken is coming down to see you now," she mentioned.
"Is she ok," Sara interrupted, but the nurse had already returned to her post.
"Why don't we take a seat," Nick asked, in hopes to calm his hysterical wife.
"No, what happened," Sara demanded. She took a step away from Nick and raked her fingers through her brown hair.
"They just took her in to try to figure out what happened," Nick assured.
"Answer me Nick, What happened?" she began pacing, her heart beating at an intense rate.
"She wanted to go to the park, and so we did-" Nick began to answer.
"Mr. and Mrs. Stokes?" A man questioned; Sara paused from her pacing and looked up at the middle-aged man in a white lab coat.
"I'm Dr. Redken, Pediatrics," he introduced.
"How is she? Can we see her?" Sara began questioning.
"She's doing all right; just an asthma attack. But we're just running some tests right now. You can see her now, they're bringing her downstairs as we speak," the good doctor assured.
"Thank you so much Dr. Redken," Nick replied, outstretching his hand for a handshake, Sara did the same. Relief washed over Sara as she caught a reassuring smile from the doctor. Nick felt his heart lift, thankful that his daughter was feeling okay.
Together, they sat side by side, anxiously awaiting the arrival of their daughter, the clocking ticking at an excruciatingly slow pace and both the parents' mind running rampant.
"Mommy, Daddy," a child voice called.
"Jessie," Sara called out, rushing towards her daughter. Nick got up as well, breathing a sigh of relief at the sight of his daughter, relief washing over his distressed face and the heaviness lifted from his shoulders.
"Hi baby, are you ok?" Sara asked frantically, bending down and pulling Jessie into a hug. Her eyes were moist, relieved to feel her daughter's arms wrap around her neck.
"Mom, I'm ok, really; and look, I got a pretty band-aid," Jessica boasted. But Sara didn't hear, all she cared about was that her daughter was all right. Upon receiving no reaction from her mother, she looked over at Nick.
"Daddy, look," she pointed at the band-aid on her arm, pulling away from Sara and rushing to her father.
"It's nice," Nick began, as he pulled her in for a big hug.
"Feeling ok sweetie," he asked, looking squarely into his daughter's green eyes. She nodded as he placed soft kiss on her forehead.
'Oh thank God,' he reassured himself. He looked up at his wife, who too looked down on him, her eyes mirroring the relief in his eyes.
"Can we go home now," Jessie requested.
"Sure thing," Nick answered, his voice reaching a calm plateau. He took her small hand into his and looked up at Sara, he was sure that she had to return to work.
"We'll see you at home tonight," he called to his wife.
"Can Mommy come home too?" Jessie pleaded, she looked up at her father, then at her mother. 'That's a good question,' Nick commented to himself.
"I'm sorry sweetie, but Mommy has work, and I'm really busy," Sara answered, feeling guilty, but knowing that she couldn't leave the lab. Immersed in her daughter's eyes, she saw the girl's great disappointment.
"Okay," her daughter responded quietly, breaking away from her mother's stare. Sara cursed herself for not being able to leave work, but she knew that she had to return to the lab.
"I'll see you later," Nick whispered in her ear, and began tugging Jessie towards the hospitals exit.
~*~
"Hi, you've reached Nick, Sara and Jessie; sorry but we're not home right now. But if you leave your name and a short message, we'll get back to you as soon as humanly possible," the answering machine voiced.
"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Stokes, this is Dr. Redken from Desert Palm Hospital; not to alarm you, but if you could just get back to me as soon a possible, I have some concerns regarding your daughter's test results," the doctor's voice answered.
~*~
For the second time that day, Sara burst through the hospital doors; except this time, before her mind could panic, she spotted Nick.
"What's going on," she asked breathlessly.
"Dr. Redken has some concerns about Jessie," Nick replied, the concern etched in his face, and his eyes tired and worn out. He guided Sara through the maze of corridors and into the elevator.
"What kind of concerns – anything serious," Sara continued to ask.
"He's running more tests. But he's admitted Jessie, she's in her room with a nurse right now," Nick replied - worry and unease over his daughter's health still evident in his voice. Sara stared at him, struck by her husband's words.
"Why didn't you call me sooner," Sara questioned in frustration.
"I did, but you were in court," Nick protested. Sara just continued walking, she was on call that day, after hours of waiting, and she finally testified.
"Well, I came as soon as the trial adjourned," Sara defended.
Both stepped out of the cold steel elevators and onto the quiet floor, a hallway stretching opposite directions and the sounds of beeping heard from various rooms. They proceeded to march down the hallway, Sara quickening her pace as Nick motioned her towards the last room on the left. They paused; looking through the glass window and watching their daughter sleep peacefully. A nurse sat by the bedside, monitoring Jessie's condition. Sara closed her eyes, taking deep breaths as she focused on calming her nerves. Nick just looked on, pained by witnessing his daughter's situation. He looked over at his wife, who, he thought with eyes closed was probably trying to regain her bearings.
"Ready," he asked in a quiet whisper. She nodded. Nick opened the door and Sara followed him into the silent and dimly lit room. The bed was in the middle of the room, flanked by two bedside tables and a chair. On the left was a large window and right under the window a modest sized couch; the bathroom was to the right upon entering. At their arrival, the nurse stood up and made her way outside the room.
Sara crept towards her daughter's bedside and pulled the blanket over her daughter's shoulders, while her other hand grasped the girl's hands. Nick made his way beside Sara and he leaned over to place a kiss on Jessie's forehead, careful not to wake the sleeping child. Both of them were still, moments passing and they just kept on staring at the little girl - watching her chest rise and fall.
The door slowly opened and a nurse walked in, careful with her actions, knowing not to disturb the resting child.
"Dr. Redken wants to see you in his office," she whispered.
Sara and Nick looked at each other, neither one wanting to leave their daughter's side.
"I think you both should go, I can stay here and watch her," the nurse suggested. Nick smiled gratefully at the nurse and took Sara by the hand, guiding her towards the doctor's office at the other end of the hallway.
Sara was hesitant to leave, holding on to her child's hand until Nick gently pulled her hand away, leading her towards the door.
~*~
"Dr. Redken," Nick called out, while he knocked the door. He received a muffled response, and both he and Sara made their way into the doctor's office. Unlike the rest of the floor, his office was painted a dark shade of red, a contrast to the light mint green color of the hallways.
"Hello, please, have a seat," the doctor greeted. The couple sat side by side on the couch.
'Oh God this doesn't sound good," Nick thought.
'Please be okay,' Sara thought to herself.
"This is certainly difficult for me to say," the doctor began.
'Oh, this is not good,' Nick thought.
"But-. Ok, um, how about you, um. Can you tell me about any hereditary diseases in your families," the doctor stammered, struggling with his words but also trying to take a more professional tone.
"Um," Sara began, confused by the doctor's question.
"Well, I just wanted to know about the history behind Jessica. Particularly her health and her genetics," the doctor replied. There was an awkward pause, while Nick leaned closer and sat at the edge of his seat.
"Jessie is-" Nick began. The doctor leaned forward a little, eagerly waiting for the sentence's conclusion.
"We adopted Jessie when she was three years old," Sara concluded for Nick. The doctor's head leaned back a little, taking in the situation's new development.
"Why do you ask? What's wrong?" Sara asked, panic now forcing its way through her body. The doctor inhaled heavily, 'how can I do this,' he asked himself.
"I thought it was just an asthma attack," she continued.
"Mrs. Stokes-" the doctor began.
"Sidle," Sara corrected. For she didn't take her husband's last name; she had insisted on keeping her own last name.
"Upon reviewing the test results from your daughter," he paused.
"Out with it," Sara practically screamed impatiently.
"Your daughter's condition has proved to be more complicated than just a respiratory problem," the doctor answered.
Nick's heart had stopped at the instant; he glanced at his wife's pale face and placed his hands on top of hers.
"Complicated," Nick managed to question.
Sara felt the warmth of Nick's hand, but she didn't react.
"After reviewing some results from tests taken earlier, we found a heart abnormality," the doctor answered calmly while trying to break the news softly. He continued,
"It's partially a genetic problem, but in Jessie's case, her asthma attacks which was caused by over exertion of the heart and lungs caused a chain of reactions."
"From airway constriction, low oxygen levels, to her heart pumping insufficient amounts of blood to the body," he paused.
'God, I hope they can understand what I'm saying,' he questioned himself.
"And based on her medical records, she suffers a lot of asthma attacks, usually due to over exertion, am I correct?"
"Yes, that's true," Sara concurred, still unable to discern the doctor's message.
"May I ask what Jessica was doing before she had an attack," the doctor asked. Sara gave Nick and icy glare.
"We were at the park for about 30 minutes, I was on the phone with my niece, while Jessie ran around and played with the other kids," he explained.
"For 30 minutes?" Sara asked,
"Yeah, she was just playing - being a kid," he continued.
"Being a kid? You know that she's not supposed to participate in prolonged cardiovascular activities," Sara commented.
"But if you paid any attention, you would have known that," Sara continued.
"I was paying attention. Prolonged cardiovascular activities?" Nick started.
"Sara, she was just paying with the other children."
"You should have known," Sara huffed.
"So you know about Jessica's heart problems-" the doctor interrupted.
"That's rich, coming from you. Telling me what I should know; when you yourself haven't got the faintest idea about what she's gone through," Nick quipped back.
He was unaware of the doctor's comment, and Sara didn't notice either.
"I do pay attention." Sara's expression had changed; her face was turning a deeper shade of red.
"You're clueless, you didn't even ask me why she was in the park instead of in school today," Nick rebuked.
Sara cursed herself, 'what day was it?'
"It's Wednesday, Sara," Nick reminded. Sara looked at Nick, still speechless.
"I let her stay home today! Do you know why?"
Sara didn't flinch.
"Because she couldn't stop crying, she was looking for you - asking for her mother," Nick answered, exasperated.
"And let me ask you another question, since you seem to 'pay attention' - what's her favorite color," Nick asked.
"I'm sorry?" Sara asked, astounded by her husband's question.
"It's a simple question, what's Jessie's favorite color," Nick articulated.
"Green" Sara replied angrily. Nick blinked.
"Blue. It reminds her of the ocean, and our vacation in San Francisco," Nick corrected. Sara just sat in awe at her husband's arguments.
'Have I really not been paying attention?' She asked herself, thinking about her stressful job and feeling guilty upon not knowing such as simple thing, like her daughter's favorite color. But she didn't protest, she only asked herself about the numerous things she didn't know.
Nick's eyes burned with frustration, he looked at his wife, but at the same time feeling horrible for the harsh words he had spoken. Her face held little emotion; she just avoided any eye contact with him, opting instead to stare at the bare floor.
A cold silence drifted into the room, and Dr. Redken watched as the couple sorted through the day's events.
'God help them, they really need to stay together for this, for their daughter," the doctor thought to himself. He was surprised by the cold interaction between what appeared to be a happy couple.
"Oh God, why didn't we see this before," Sara asked, breaking the silence and looking up from the floor. It appeared that the silence had softened her tone of voice and she was now focused on the doctor's words; setting aside the pain of Nick's sharp words.
"Well, there are no visible symptoms, and even I had to double check the results to make sure," the doctor began to explain.
"I'll ask again, since you know about Jessica's respiratory problem, were you aware of her current condition," Dr. Redken asked modestly.
"Well, we were given a medical report upon her adoption, and it was just mentioned that she suffered from asthma attacks," Nick answered.
"And well, after several asthma attacks due to intense cardiovascular activities, her doctor recommended keeping her way from vigorous activities," Sara added.
The doctor paused for a moment, bringing his hand to massage the bridge of his nose, pausing to formulate his next sentence.
"As I said, her asthma attack further complicated the situation," the doctor finally said. He then handed them a folder of the results from the day's prior tests. Sara was the first to take a glance at it; she took note of the ECG printout, the blood sample results, as well as various other results. Nick also took interest in processing what he could from the folder's pages of results and written reports from physicians. Both looked up as the doctor proceeded to place a chest x-ray onto the light box, he continued to explain his findings and explained to them the continuous series of tests that are still being processed.
"Treatment?" Sara asked.
The doctor paused and sat at the edge of his desk, he said no words.
"Surgery?" Nick asked.
The doctor was silent, still trying to find the best words to answer the question.
"Transplants?"
Nothing.
"Chemo-" Sara began, her voice tailing off.
Nothing.
Sara and Nick braced themselves for the doctor's reply.
"I'm sorry," the doctor began. Sara's heart broke, as she began to feel a stinging in her eyes. Nick had temporarily ceased to breathe.
"But, Jessie's condition cannot be treated with common procedures," the doctor added, his own heart somewhat in a standstill.
"Experimental procedures," Nick whispered.
"We'll have to see, but usually, at this stage, Jessie's prognosis is uncertain. The odds are 50/50. Over the years, her heart has slowly and gradually deteriorated, probably since birth."
The doctor managed to explain the cold facts, fighting the urge to weep as he saw tears threatening to cascade down Sara's face.
"From birth-. How-," were the only words she could utter.
"But, we're not sure about the rate of deterioration and how it has affected her body. That's the reason why we want to keep an eye on her," the doctor explained.
"As for the diagnosis, to be honest with you, with situations like these, there is no way to tell," the doctor assured. He wanted the couple to understand that even with their situation, there was no way to tell.
"So you're telling us, that our daughter is on her deathbed?" Sara questioned, with tears trailing down her pale face.
The doctor was at a lost of words, torn between not wanting to giving them false hope and having faith.
"No, I don't believe you, she was fine this morning. There must be something, some new procedure," Nick attempted to rationalize.
The doctor said nothing.
"Again, chemotherapy," Nick continued, still in a state of denial.
"No," Sara spoke softly. Nick looked at her, surprised; he would have thought that she would fight for the life of their daughter. She looked up at him.
"I don't want her to go through all that, prolonging her life - it could very well prolong her pain as well." Tears still flowed, but Nick understood his wife's concern. They just looked at each other, as if trying to share their pain together.
"What should we do now," Sara asked calmly.
"Just be her parents - be there for her," the doctor sighed.
~*~
With hearts shattered and in a state of disbelief, Sara and Nick slowly walked out of Dr. Redken's office and headed towards Jessie's room. The hallway's silence wrapping its arms around them both, the world had subsided, and they both walked in a daze.
"I should call my family. I'll call your parents too," Nick whispered.
They both paused before proceeding further down the hallway.
"Grissom and Catherine might want to know too," Sara answered quietly, still in a state of shock.
"I'll call the lab," Nick agreed.
He reached his hand out to hold Sara's, but she had already turned and headed further down the hallway, leaving Nick in the middle of the empty corridor.
~*~
She entered the room with care, while the nurse left the mother and daughter alone. Sara took a seat on the chair by the bed and looked at her daughter's resting face.
'How?' She asked herself.
'How can you be so sick?' Sara asked.
'How could I not notice? What kind of a mother am I?' She questioned.
She wondered how the daughter that laughed at the sound of her father's snoring, and laughed when tickled could be so ill. She reminisced about the numerous times both she and her daughter spent time together, from the day they met and especially the day when Jessie was adopted.
'How could I not have known that your favorite color is blue?' Sara asked.
Recalling their family vacation in San Francisco, Jessie enjoyed sitting on Nick's shoulders as they walked by the ocean's edge. Then, Sara remembered the numerous memories that she and her husband had during their marriage, from the laughter to their numerous struggles.
~*~
He looked into the room in front of him, and watched his wife and his sleeping daughter. It reminded him of the handful of nights where he stood by Jessie's room to watch her sleep, with Sara sitting by their daughter's side. He smiled at the distant memory, wishing that things were as they were. He stood by the door for only a few moments, only to witness tears falling down his wife's cheeks, 'if only it were that simple,' he thought, wishing that he could somehow fix this situation.
~*~
She stared at her daughter, wanting to hold her close; unaware of the tears that now streaked her cheeks. Her heart was breaking. It was at that moment, that she felt a presence and she knew it was Nick. Without looking up, she questioned,
"Nick, how did we end up this way?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N – So what did you think? Reviews, suggestions and constructive criticism are always welcome. Like I say; love it, loathe it, review it! - oceanwave
Author: oceanwave
Rating: PG
Summary: Trouble in paradise? Nick, Sara, their daughter and their struggles. N/S
Disclaimers: I just borrowed the characters. CBS/Viacom, Alliance Atlantis, Jerry Bruckheimer Productions, and the creators/producers of CSI own the characters.
Author's Note: Sequel to 'Homecoming'
This story is in fact a sequel, but you don't really need to read the original; and since this story is going to move backwards, it's going to pick up and summarize certain moments from 'Homecoming'. However, if you do want to, go right ahead and read the original.
This story is going to be different from the others that I've written, well the event sequence anyway. This fic is going to go from the present, and head... backwards to the past, - a la 'Momento'. From the past, it will once again travel forwards. I know that this will be difficult for some readers, especially in being able to remember certain details, but it's all about cause and effect.
Think of it as a big puzzle, you don't see it when you first look at it, but with every piece, you see the big picture. Likewise, this fic is going to start with a big fat "huh?" and as it progresses, certain chapters, will provide answers to all the questions.
As a sequel, this story is a lot 'heavier' than its predecessor, and is centered on character development and social relationships/ interaction; the science of CSI only appears in trace amounts.
WARNING: I know that I have already labeled it on the summary, but this is in fact a N/S fic. If you do not prefer this pairing, or don't feel comfortable with such a pairing, then I would advise you to stop reading this instant. I am aware of some "flamers" out there, and I just wanted to state that this is in fact a N/S fic. So don't say I didn't warn you. Just try to keep in mind that when reviewing - if you choose to - that "if you don't' have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."
There, I think I've addressed all my concerns and given a semi-prologue to this fic, so read on, and review. Oh, it feels good to write again! And can't forget to thank my beta, Kelly, thank you so much for helping with this – you are awesome.
~*~
Chapter One
~*~
"I want a divorce!"
"Whatever you want!"
His chest heaved as he spoke such words; his eyes were fixed on the woman before him. He turned to walk out the door, leaving behind his weeping wife. He walked towards his black jeep and slammed the door shut.
"Damnit Sara," he cursed, slamming his hands against the stern steering wheel. Today was their first day in couple's therapy, and to his dismay the situation ended worse off than it had begun. His head sank at the bitterness and anguish that his wife's tone had taken; the same argument had taken place over the years they had been married. He began his breathing exercises to calm his frayed nerves, but groaned at the sound of his cell phone ringing. Looking over at the phone, he quickly glanced at the small picture that rested on the dashboard. He smiled slightly; he couldn't wait to get home.
"Hi Jessie," he answered.
"I'll be home soon," he continued, before hanging up the phone.
Again, he looked over at his daughter's picture. She was utterly his pride and joy, and he very much looked forward to seeing her and getting her ready for school. With such a hectic schedule, he and Sara had enrolled her into an afternoon class to avoid any complications with their schedule. Sitting in the driver's seat, he remained distracted by the picture that was taken not too long ago, it had Jessica and Sara side by side at the beach - smiling. Further studying the picture made his mind drift to his wife, he sighed. He regretted that everything had boiled down to this moment, and hating the way he left their therapy session.
'We'll get through this,' he thought, '-hopefully.'
Hesitant, he pulled out of the parking space and drove down the strip towards the home they shared.
~*~
She rushed past the emergency room entrance, and once inside she scanned for the closest nursing station. The room held a still silence, with nurses and various doctors walking up and down the hallway. The distant sound of the intercom in the background, she looked around mindlessly, her mind engulfed with fear - frantically searching, for anything, something, someone.
"Sara," a voice called. She whirled around and spotted her husband.
"Nick, what the hell happened," she asked harshly. She walked up to him, and just as she was to begin her interrogation, a nurse walked out of the nurse's station.
"Dr. Redken is coming down to see you now," she mentioned.
"Is she ok," Sara interrupted, but the nurse had already returned to her post.
"Why don't we take a seat," Nick asked, in hopes to calm his hysterical wife.
"No, what happened," Sara demanded. She took a step away from Nick and raked her fingers through her brown hair.
"They just took her in to try to figure out what happened," Nick assured.
"Answer me Nick, What happened?" she began pacing, her heart beating at an intense rate.
"She wanted to go to the park, and so we did-" Nick began to answer.
"Mr. and Mrs. Stokes?" A man questioned; Sara paused from her pacing and looked up at the middle-aged man in a white lab coat.
"I'm Dr. Redken, Pediatrics," he introduced.
"How is she? Can we see her?" Sara began questioning.
"She's doing all right; just an asthma attack. But we're just running some tests right now. You can see her now, they're bringing her downstairs as we speak," the good doctor assured.
"Thank you so much Dr. Redken," Nick replied, outstretching his hand for a handshake, Sara did the same. Relief washed over Sara as she caught a reassuring smile from the doctor. Nick felt his heart lift, thankful that his daughter was feeling okay.
Together, they sat side by side, anxiously awaiting the arrival of their daughter, the clocking ticking at an excruciatingly slow pace and both the parents' mind running rampant.
"Mommy, Daddy," a child voice called.
"Jessie," Sara called out, rushing towards her daughter. Nick got up as well, breathing a sigh of relief at the sight of his daughter, relief washing over his distressed face and the heaviness lifted from his shoulders.
"Hi baby, are you ok?" Sara asked frantically, bending down and pulling Jessie into a hug. Her eyes were moist, relieved to feel her daughter's arms wrap around her neck.
"Mom, I'm ok, really; and look, I got a pretty band-aid," Jessica boasted. But Sara didn't hear, all she cared about was that her daughter was all right. Upon receiving no reaction from her mother, she looked over at Nick.
"Daddy, look," she pointed at the band-aid on her arm, pulling away from Sara and rushing to her father.
"It's nice," Nick began, as he pulled her in for a big hug.
"Feeling ok sweetie," he asked, looking squarely into his daughter's green eyes. She nodded as he placed soft kiss on her forehead.
'Oh thank God,' he reassured himself. He looked up at his wife, who too looked down on him, her eyes mirroring the relief in his eyes.
"Can we go home now," Jessie requested.
"Sure thing," Nick answered, his voice reaching a calm plateau. He took her small hand into his and looked up at Sara, he was sure that she had to return to work.
"We'll see you at home tonight," he called to his wife.
"Can Mommy come home too?" Jessie pleaded, she looked up at her father, then at her mother. 'That's a good question,' Nick commented to himself.
"I'm sorry sweetie, but Mommy has work, and I'm really busy," Sara answered, feeling guilty, but knowing that she couldn't leave the lab. Immersed in her daughter's eyes, she saw the girl's great disappointment.
"Okay," her daughter responded quietly, breaking away from her mother's stare. Sara cursed herself for not being able to leave work, but she knew that she had to return to the lab.
"I'll see you later," Nick whispered in her ear, and began tugging Jessie towards the hospitals exit.
~*~
"Hi, you've reached Nick, Sara and Jessie; sorry but we're not home right now. But if you leave your name and a short message, we'll get back to you as soon as humanly possible," the answering machine voiced.
"Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Stokes, this is Dr. Redken from Desert Palm Hospital; not to alarm you, but if you could just get back to me as soon a possible, I have some concerns regarding your daughter's test results," the doctor's voice answered.
~*~
For the second time that day, Sara burst through the hospital doors; except this time, before her mind could panic, she spotted Nick.
"What's going on," she asked breathlessly.
"Dr. Redken has some concerns about Jessie," Nick replied, the concern etched in his face, and his eyes tired and worn out. He guided Sara through the maze of corridors and into the elevator.
"What kind of concerns – anything serious," Sara continued to ask.
"He's running more tests. But he's admitted Jessie, she's in her room with a nurse right now," Nick replied - worry and unease over his daughter's health still evident in his voice. Sara stared at him, struck by her husband's words.
"Why didn't you call me sooner," Sara questioned in frustration.
"I did, but you were in court," Nick protested. Sara just continued walking, she was on call that day, after hours of waiting, and she finally testified.
"Well, I came as soon as the trial adjourned," Sara defended.
Both stepped out of the cold steel elevators and onto the quiet floor, a hallway stretching opposite directions and the sounds of beeping heard from various rooms. They proceeded to march down the hallway, Sara quickening her pace as Nick motioned her towards the last room on the left. They paused; looking through the glass window and watching their daughter sleep peacefully. A nurse sat by the bedside, monitoring Jessie's condition. Sara closed her eyes, taking deep breaths as she focused on calming her nerves. Nick just looked on, pained by witnessing his daughter's situation. He looked over at his wife, who, he thought with eyes closed was probably trying to regain her bearings.
"Ready," he asked in a quiet whisper. She nodded. Nick opened the door and Sara followed him into the silent and dimly lit room. The bed was in the middle of the room, flanked by two bedside tables and a chair. On the left was a large window and right under the window a modest sized couch; the bathroom was to the right upon entering. At their arrival, the nurse stood up and made her way outside the room.
Sara crept towards her daughter's bedside and pulled the blanket over her daughter's shoulders, while her other hand grasped the girl's hands. Nick made his way beside Sara and he leaned over to place a kiss on Jessie's forehead, careful not to wake the sleeping child. Both of them were still, moments passing and they just kept on staring at the little girl - watching her chest rise and fall.
The door slowly opened and a nurse walked in, careful with her actions, knowing not to disturb the resting child.
"Dr. Redken wants to see you in his office," she whispered.
Sara and Nick looked at each other, neither one wanting to leave their daughter's side.
"I think you both should go, I can stay here and watch her," the nurse suggested. Nick smiled gratefully at the nurse and took Sara by the hand, guiding her towards the doctor's office at the other end of the hallway.
Sara was hesitant to leave, holding on to her child's hand until Nick gently pulled her hand away, leading her towards the door.
~*~
"Dr. Redken," Nick called out, while he knocked the door. He received a muffled response, and both he and Sara made their way into the doctor's office. Unlike the rest of the floor, his office was painted a dark shade of red, a contrast to the light mint green color of the hallways.
"Hello, please, have a seat," the doctor greeted. The couple sat side by side on the couch.
'Oh God this doesn't sound good," Nick thought.
'Please be okay,' Sara thought to herself.
"This is certainly difficult for me to say," the doctor began.
'Oh, this is not good,' Nick thought.
"But-. Ok, um, how about you, um. Can you tell me about any hereditary diseases in your families," the doctor stammered, struggling with his words but also trying to take a more professional tone.
"Um," Sara began, confused by the doctor's question.
"Well, I just wanted to know about the history behind Jessica. Particularly her health and her genetics," the doctor replied. There was an awkward pause, while Nick leaned closer and sat at the edge of his seat.
"Jessie is-" Nick began. The doctor leaned forward a little, eagerly waiting for the sentence's conclusion.
"We adopted Jessie when she was three years old," Sara concluded for Nick. The doctor's head leaned back a little, taking in the situation's new development.
"Why do you ask? What's wrong?" Sara asked, panic now forcing its way through her body. The doctor inhaled heavily, 'how can I do this,' he asked himself.
"I thought it was just an asthma attack," she continued.
"Mrs. Stokes-" the doctor began.
"Sidle," Sara corrected. For she didn't take her husband's last name; she had insisted on keeping her own last name.
"Upon reviewing the test results from your daughter," he paused.
"Out with it," Sara practically screamed impatiently.
"Your daughter's condition has proved to be more complicated than just a respiratory problem," the doctor answered.
Nick's heart had stopped at the instant; he glanced at his wife's pale face and placed his hands on top of hers.
"Complicated," Nick managed to question.
Sara felt the warmth of Nick's hand, but she didn't react.
"After reviewing some results from tests taken earlier, we found a heart abnormality," the doctor answered calmly while trying to break the news softly. He continued,
"It's partially a genetic problem, but in Jessie's case, her asthma attacks which was caused by over exertion of the heart and lungs caused a chain of reactions."
"From airway constriction, low oxygen levels, to her heart pumping insufficient amounts of blood to the body," he paused.
'God, I hope they can understand what I'm saying,' he questioned himself.
"And based on her medical records, she suffers a lot of asthma attacks, usually due to over exertion, am I correct?"
"Yes, that's true," Sara concurred, still unable to discern the doctor's message.
"May I ask what Jessica was doing before she had an attack," the doctor asked. Sara gave Nick and icy glare.
"We were at the park for about 30 minutes, I was on the phone with my niece, while Jessie ran around and played with the other kids," he explained.
"For 30 minutes?" Sara asked,
"Yeah, she was just playing - being a kid," he continued.
"Being a kid? You know that she's not supposed to participate in prolonged cardiovascular activities," Sara commented.
"But if you paid any attention, you would have known that," Sara continued.
"I was paying attention. Prolonged cardiovascular activities?" Nick started.
"Sara, she was just paying with the other children."
"You should have known," Sara huffed.
"So you know about Jessica's heart problems-" the doctor interrupted.
"That's rich, coming from you. Telling me what I should know; when you yourself haven't got the faintest idea about what she's gone through," Nick quipped back.
He was unaware of the doctor's comment, and Sara didn't notice either.
"I do pay attention." Sara's expression had changed; her face was turning a deeper shade of red.
"You're clueless, you didn't even ask me why she was in the park instead of in school today," Nick rebuked.
Sara cursed herself, 'what day was it?'
"It's Wednesday, Sara," Nick reminded. Sara looked at Nick, still speechless.
"I let her stay home today! Do you know why?"
Sara didn't flinch.
"Because she couldn't stop crying, she was looking for you - asking for her mother," Nick answered, exasperated.
"And let me ask you another question, since you seem to 'pay attention' - what's her favorite color," Nick asked.
"I'm sorry?" Sara asked, astounded by her husband's question.
"It's a simple question, what's Jessie's favorite color," Nick articulated.
"Green" Sara replied angrily. Nick blinked.
"Blue. It reminds her of the ocean, and our vacation in San Francisco," Nick corrected. Sara just sat in awe at her husband's arguments.
'Have I really not been paying attention?' She asked herself, thinking about her stressful job and feeling guilty upon not knowing such as simple thing, like her daughter's favorite color. But she didn't protest, she only asked herself about the numerous things she didn't know.
Nick's eyes burned with frustration, he looked at his wife, but at the same time feeling horrible for the harsh words he had spoken. Her face held little emotion; she just avoided any eye contact with him, opting instead to stare at the bare floor.
A cold silence drifted into the room, and Dr. Redken watched as the couple sorted through the day's events.
'God help them, they really need to stay together for this, for their daughter," the doctor thought to himself. He was surprised by the cold interaction between what appeared to be a happy couple.
"Oh God, why didn't we see this before," Sara asked, breaking the silence and looking up from the floor. It appeared that the silence had softened her tone of voice and she was now focused on the doctor's words; setting aside the pain of Nick's sharp words.
"Well, there are no visible symptoms, and even I had to double check the results to make sure," the doctor began to explain.
"I'll ask again, since you know about Jessica's respiratory problem, were you aware of her current condition," Dr. Redken asked modestly.
"Well, we were given a medical report upon her adoption, and it was just mentioned that she suffered from asthma attacks," Nick answered.
"And well, after several asthma attacks due to intense cardiovascular activities, her doctor recommended keeping her way from vigorous activities," Sara added.
The doctor paused for a moment, bringing his hand to massage the bridge of his nose, pausing to formulate his next sentence.
"As I said, her asthma attack further complicated the situation," the doctor finally said. He then handed them a folder of the results from the day's prior tests. Sara was the first to take a glance at it; she took note of the ECG printout, the blood sample results, as well as various other results. Nick also took interest in processing what he could from the folder's pages of results and written reports from physicians. Both looked up as the doctor proceeded to place a chest x-ray onto the light box, he continued to explain his findings and explained to them the continuous series of tests that are still being processed.
"Treatment?" Sara asked.
The doctor paused and sat at the edge of his desk, he said no words.
"Surgery?" Nick asked.
The doctor was silent, still trying to find the best words to answer the question.
"Transplants?"
Nothing.
"Chemo-" Sara began, her voice tailing off.
Nothing.
Sara and Nick braced themselves for the doctor's reply.
"I'm sorry," the doctor began. Sara's heart broke, as she began to feel a stinging in her eyes. Nick had temporarily ceased to breathe.
"But, Jessie's condition cannot be treated with common procedures," the doctor added, his own heart somewhat in a standstill.
"Experimental procedures," Nick whispered.
"We'll have to see, but usually, at this stage, Jessie's prognosis is uncertain. The odds are 50/50. Over the years, her heart has slowly and gradually deteriorated, probably since birth."
The doctor managed to explain the cold facts, fighting the urge to weep as he saw tears threatening to cascade down Sara's face.
"From birth-. How-," were the only words she could utter.
"But, we're not sure about the rate of deterioration and how it has affected her body. That's the reason why we want to keep an eye on her," the doctor explained.
"As for the diagnosis, to be honest with you, with situations like these, there is no way to tell," the doctor assured. He wanted the couple to understand that even with their situation, there was no way to tell.
"So you're telling us, that our daughter is on her deathbed?" Sara questioned, with tears trailing down her pale face.
The doctor was at a lost of words, torn between not wanting to giving them false hope and having faith.
"No, I don't believe you, she was fine this morning. There must be something, some new procedure," Nick attempted to rationalize.
The doctor said nothing.
"Again, chemotherapy," Nick continued, still in a state of denial.
"No," Sara spoke softly. Nick looked at her, surprised; he would have thought that she would fight for the life of their daughter. She looked up at him.
"I don't want her to go through all that, prolonging her life - it could very well prolong her pain as well." Tears still flowed, but Nick understood his wife's concern. They just looked at each other, as if trying to share their pain together.
"What should we do now," Sara asked calmly.
"Just be her parents - be there for her," the doctor sighed.
~*~
With hearts shattered and in a state of disbelief, Sara and Nick slowly walked out of Dr. Redken's office and headed towards Jessie's room. The hallway's silence wrapping its arms around them both, the world had subsided, and they both walked in a daze.
"I should call my family. I'll call your parents too," Nick whispered.
They both paused before proceeding further down the hallway.
"Grissom and Catherine might want to know too," Sara answered quietly, still in a state of shock.
"I'll call the lab," Nick agreed.
He reached his hand out to hold Sara's, but she had already turned and headed further down the hallway, leaving Nick in the middle of the empty corridor.
~*~
She entered the room with care, while the nurse left the mother and daughter alone. Sara took a seat on the chair by the bed and looked at her daughter's resting face.
'How?' She asked herself.
'How can you be so sick?' Sara asked.
'How could I not notice? What kind of a mother am I?' She questioned.
She wondered how the daughter that laughed at the sound of her father's snoring, and laughed when tickled could be so ill. She reminisced about the numerous times both she and her daughter spent time together, from the day they met and especially the day when Jessie was adopted.
'How could I not have known that your favorite color is blue?' Sara asked.
Recalling their family vacation in San Francisco, Jessie enjoyed sitting on Nick's shoulders as they walked by the ocean's edge. Then, Sara remembered the numerous memories that she and her husband had during their marriage, from the laughter to their numerous struggles.
~*~
He looked into the room in front of him, and watched his wife and his sleeping daughter. It reminded him of the handful of nights where he stood by Jessie's room to watch her sleep, with Sara sitting by their daughter's side. He smiled at the distant memory, wishing that things were as they were. He stood by the door for only a few moments, only to witness tears falling down his wife's cheeks, 'if only it were that simple,' he thought, wishing that he could somehow fix this situation.
~*~
She stared at her daughter, wanting to hold her close; unaware of the tears that now streaked her cheeks. Her heart was breaking. It was at that moment, that she felt a presence and she knew it was Nick. Without looking up, she questioned,
"Nick, how did we end up this way?"
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A/N – So what did you think? Reviews, suggestions and constructive criticism are always welcome. Like I say; love it, loathe it, review it! - oceanwave