Hi people! To celebrate two stories of mine's reviews passing the 100 mark,
I decided to put up this completely random story I wrote. This is only half
of it, and I checked, and I don't think anyone has ever done this on
fanfiction before.... WHY? Anyway, enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lord of the Rings, or any of the characters.
* * * * *
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING
FORGED BY THE DARK LORD SAURON HIMSELF.
LICENCE TO RULE THEM ALL, FIND THEM, BRING THEM ALL AND BIND THEM ETC.
TOP SECRET (as you may guess by the title)
DO NOT READ (that means you, Witch King)
ENTRY 1
Was created today.
Cannot allow myself to get self-obsessed just because just because I have the power to control all the other Rings.
ENTRY 2
All free lands of Middle Earth falling under my power. Go me!
ENTRY 3
Last Alliance battle. Loads of elves and men and orcs fighting on the slopes of Mount Doom. They're winning. Boo.
Uh-oh. Sauron putting his armour on. This can't be good.
ENTRY 4
It wasn't. Stupid Isildur.
ENTRY 5
Am now stuck at the bottom of a river. Stupid river.
ENTRY 6
History's becoming legend.
ENTRY 7
Legend's becoming myth.
ENTRY 8
Have been stuck here for two and a half thousand years now. Not a very interesting view, pondweed. Would kill for my Gameboy.
ENTRY 9
Have ensnared a new bearer. At last.
ENTRY 10
Great. Am now stuck inside a mountain cave. What is with my bearers? Are they all social lepers?
ENTRY 11
Gollum spends all day talking to me.
Am almost wishing that I was back in the river.
ENTRY 12
Darkness is creeping back into the forests of the world, and there are rumours of a shadow in the East. But then again, you shouldn't believe everything a fish tells you.
ENTRY 13
Story was confirmed by a rat. Think my time has now come.
Must apologize to Guppy for calling him a liar before I leave.
ENTRY 14
Great. There are loads of goblins in this mountain, and only one hobbit.
Who do I get picked up by?
The hobbit.
As far as rings of power go, I must have the worst luck in the world.
ENTRY 15
Have gone back to little hobbit's home country. Not too bad. Better than a cave with no central heating or DSL, anyway.
ENTRY 16
Great. Am settling down to wait for Ringwraiths to come and find me, and hobbit ditches me.
Doesn't even put me down gently. Goes and drops me on the floor. Ow.
Do people think Rings have no feelings?
Was nearly picked up by dude with serious facial hair problem. Am still debating as to whether those were caterpillars on his forehead. Am sure I saw them move once or twice.
Sauron went and made him jump. Hehehe.
ENTRY 17
Have just spent last few months in an envelope. Sauron promised me world domination.
Must discuss compensation when I get back to Mordor.
ENTRY 18
Am sitting on kitchen table. Big Schnozz talking to hobbit's nephew. Am sure they're talking about me.
Great. First they go and chuck me in a fire, then they talk behind my back.
I feel so unloved.
ENTRY 19
Am off on the road again. Have nice cosy conveniently Ring sized pocket to sit in. Big Eyes has brought one of his friends along with him.
ENTRY 20
Why haven't the Ringwraiths saved me already? It's so difficult to find reliable help nowadays.
ENTRY 21
Was nearly put on today. Big Eyes, Mop Head, Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms met in a field. Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms are two other friends of Big Eyes - he certainly is more popular than my former bearers. I mean, Sauron was feared and respected, but he didn't really have any close friends, except the Witch King. And then he went and enslaved him.
Mental note - lend Sauron book on people skills.
Anyway, hobbits met, ran away from big dogs, fell down cliff, then went and leapt behind a tree. Was nearly found by Billy-Bob, but Mop Head went and stopped Big Eyes from putting me on. Stupid Mop Head.
ENTRY 22
Nearly caught on way to Buckleberry Ferry. Just missed. Could hear Jo-Jo and Cephalonius swearing at Billy-Bob on their way to the bridge.
Don't know what they're complaining about. They wouldn't have fitted on the ferry anyway.
They'll catch Big Eyes next time. How lucky can a hobbit be?
ENTRY 23
Was put on in Bree today. Stupid Big Eyes went and tripped over. I made myself land on his finger. Pretty nifty, if I may say so myself.
Nice to see Sauron again. Looking a little more disembodied than when I saw him last.
ENTRY 24
Am now off to Rivendell.
Elves. Ick.
Big Eyes believes all the nasty things Greasy Hair tells him. Hmph. He doesn't listen to me when I say "Put me on, nice Baggins, I won't corrupt you, I promise," oh no, he just mutters "I wish the Ring had never come to me" and shoves me back in his pocket.
Great. He believes some greasy Ranger more than a Ring of Power.
Society nowadays.
ENTRY 25
Greasy Hair looks very familiar. Come to think of it, he looks a lot like.... oh shit.
ENTRY 26
Again, nearly rescued, but not.
Who do those Ringwraiths think they are? Four hobbits, all alone, getting sniffles, against five wraiths, and do they get the Ring? Noooooo, they get defeated by Greasy Hair and his massive match.
On the plus side, Big Eyes went and put me on again. Stupid little git.
Also got to see Witch King again. Thought he was looking a little meatier round the edges than before, and said so. He agreed to research the Atkins Diet.
Hurrying off to Rivendell even faster now.
Great. All the faster to see elves again. Ick.
Big Eyes has been stabbed. His own stupid fault. Shouldn't have got in the way of the Morgul blade. Had to be all HEROIC.
ENTRY 27
Would have thought WALKING was fast enough, but noooo, now we're RIDING.
Stupid elf, with her white glowiness and effortless elvish dialogue. Could never quite master the vowels. If I could, would be much easier to tempt Elrond.
May have to see if I can get lessons in Rivendell.
Big Eyes turning into a wraith. Don't know why Sauron is so keen for this; he'll have to order robes, a sword, morgul blades, a horse etc in extra extra small. Imagine the extra expense.
And how will he keep up with the other nine on a pony? That's just cruel. He'll be picked on.
Mwa ha ha ha.
ENTRY 28
You would have thought nine wraiths on horses would be able to overtake one nancy elf, but noooo.
I seem to be saying that a lot now.
It's all the Ringwraiths fault. They seem to have lost some of the pure unescapable horror they induced before. Now they're just vaguely creepy.
Anyway, Championship whites manages to get Big Eyes across the ford and gives the Ringwraiths a nice cold albeit unwanted bath, and I am now in Rivendell. Stupid elf.
Elves. Ick.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lord of the Rings, or any of the characters.
* * * * *
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING
FORGED BY THE DARK LORD SAURON HIMSELF.
LICENCE TO RULE THEM ALL, FIND THEM, BRING THEM ALL AND BIND THEM ETC.
TOP SECRET (as you may guess by the title)
DO NOT READ (that means you, Witch King)
ENTRY 1
Was created today.
Cannot allow myself to get self-obsessed just because just because I have the power to control all the other Rings.
ENTRY 2
All free lands of Middle Earth falling under my power. Go me!
ENTRY 3
Last Alliance battle. Loads of elves and men and orcs fighting on the slopes of Mount Doom. They're winning. Boo.
Uh-oh. Sauron putting his armour on. This can't be good.
ENTRY 4
It wasn't. Stupid Isildur.
ENTRY 5
Am now stuck at the bottom of a river. Stupid river.
ENTRY 6
History's becoming legend.
ENTRY 7
Legend's becoming myth.
ENTRY 8
Have been stuck here for two and a half thousand years now. Not a very interesting view, pondweed. Would kill for my Gameboy.
ENTRY 9
Have ensnared a new bearer. At last.
ENTRY 10
Great. Am now stuck inside a mountain cave. What is with my bearers? Are they all social lepers?
ENTRY 11
Gollum spends all day talking to me.
Am almost wishing that I was back in the river.
ENTRY 12
Darkness is creeping back into the forests of the world, and there are rumours of a shadow in the East. But then again, you shouldn't believe everything a fish tells you.
ENTRY 13
Story was confirmed by a rat. Think my time has now come.
Must apologize to Guppy for calling him a liar before I leave.
ENTRY 14
Great. There are loads of goblins in this mountain, and only one hobbit.
Who do I get picked up by?
The hobbit.
As far as rings of power go, I must have the worst luck in the world.
ENTRY 15
Have gone back to little hobbit's home country. Not too bad. Better than a cave with no central heating or DSL, anyway.
ENTRY 16
Great. Am settling down to wait for Ringwraiths to come and find me, and hobbit ditches me.
Doesn't even put me down gently. Goes and drops me on the floor. Ow.
Do people think Rings have no feelings?
Was nearly picked up by dude with serious facial hair problem. Am still debating as to whether those were caterpillars on his forehead. Am sure I saw them move once or twice.
Sauron went and made him jump. Hehehe.
ENTRY 17
Have just spent last few months in an envelope. Sauron promised me world domination.
Must discuss compensation when I get back to Mordor.
ENTRY 18
Am sitting on kitchen table. Big Schnozz talking to hobbit's nephew. Am sure they're talking about me.
Great. First they go and chuck me in a fire, then they talk behind my back.
I feel so unloved.
ENTRY 19
Am off on the road again. Have nice cosy conveniently Ring sized pocket to sit in. Big Eyes has brought one of his friends along with him.
ENTRY 20
Why haven't the Ringwraiths saved me already? It's so difficult to find reliable help nowadays.
ENTRY 21
Was nearly put on today. Big Eyes, Mop Head, Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms met in a field. Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms are two other friends of Big Eyes - he certainly is more popular than my former bearers. I mean, Sauron was feared and respected, but he didn't really have any close friends, except the Witch King. And then he went and enslaved him.
Mental note - lend Sauron book on people skills.
Anyway, hobbits met, ran away from big dogs, fell down cliff, then went and leapt behind a tree. Was nearly found by Billy-Bob, but Mop Head went and stopped Big Eyes from putting me on. Stupid Mop Head.
ENTRY 22
Nearly caught on way to Buckleberry Ferry. Just missed. Could hear Jo-Jo and Cephalonius swearing at Billy-Bob on their way to the bridge.
Don't know what they're complaining about. They wouldn't have fitted on the ferry anyway.
They'll catch Big Eyes next time. How lucky can a hobbit be?
ENTRY 23
Was put on in Bree today. Stupid Big Eyes went and tripped over. I made myself land on his finger. Pretty nifty, if I may say so myself.
Nice to see Sauron again. Looking a little more disembodied than when I saw him last.
ENTRY 24
Am now off to Rivendell.
Elves. Ick.
Big Eyes believes all the nasty things Greasy Hair tells him. Hmph. He doesn't listen to me when I say "Put me on, nice Baggins, I won't corrupt you, I promise," oh no, he just mutters "I wish the Ring had never come to me" and shoves me back in his pocket.
Great. He believes some greasy Ranger more than a Ring of Power.
Society nowadays.
ENTRY 25
Greasy Hair looks very familiar. Come to think of it, he looks a lot like.... oh shit.
ENTRY 26
Again, nearly rescued, but not.
Who do those Ringwraiths think they are? Four hobbits, all alone, getting sniffles, against five wraiths, and do they get the Ring? Noooooo, they get defeated by Greasy Hair and his massive match.
On the plus side, Big Eyes went and put me on again. Stupid little git.
Also got to see Witch King again. Thought he was looking a little meatier round the edges than before, and said so. He agreed to research the Atkins Diet.
Hurrying off to Rivendell even faster now.
Great. All the faster to see elves again. Ick.
Big Eyes has been stabbed. His own stupid fault. Shouldn't have got in the way of the Morgul blade. Had to be all HEROIC.
ENTRY 27
Would have thought WALKING was fast enough, but noooo, now we're RIDING.
Stupid elf, with her white glowiness and effortless elvish dialogue. Could never quite master the vowels. If I could, would be much easier to tempt Elrond.
May have to see if I can get lessons in Rivendell.
Big Eyes turning into a wraith. Don't know why Sauron is so keen for this; he'll have to order robes, a sword, morgul blades, a horse etc in extra extra small. Imagine the extra expense.
And how will he keep up with the other nine on a pony? That's just cruel. He'll be picked on.
Mwa ha ha ha.
ENTRY 28
You would have thought nine wraiths on horses would be able to overtake one nancy elf, but noooo.
I seem to be saying that a lot now.
It's all the Ringwraiths fault. They seem to have lost some of the pure unescapable horror they induced before. Now they're just vaguely creepy.
Anyway, Championship whites manages to get Big Eyes across the ford and gives the Ringwraiths a nice cold albeit unwanted bath, and I am now in Rivendell. Stupid elf.
Elves. Ick.