A/N: I own nothing. All characters and such are the property of Joss
Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB or UPN depending on how you look at it. All I
own is my perspective, warped and inconsistent as it may be.
Willow and Oz.
Buffy and Angel.
Xander and "The Couch".
So far these are the couples at the Bronze. I'll give you one guess which pair isn't dancing. Although my love for this or any other couch runs very deep, couches and I have the same ability to dance. Which is to say no ability to dance. But hey couches are great in their own way. You sit on them, relax on them, watch TV, or even make out on them.
Great. We've barely been here an hour and my thoughts are already rambling. A year and a half ago this wouldn't have been new territory for me. I was used to not actually dancing with anybody. I was used to being a dateless wonder hopelessly pining over his best friend. I had accepted this as being true-to-form Xander Harris.
In a strange way, I was happier back then when I didn't know what being in a relationship was really all about. I think whoever said "Tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all" would've totally gotten his ass kicked by the guy who said "Ignorance is bliss".
Buffy is resting her head against Angel's chest as they dance and she's starting to get that look on her face like she's about to cry about how beautifully tragic her relationship with him is. Like she's happy and doomed all at once. I don't even know why they continue to see each other, when clearly he can't fulfill all her needs without y'know, going evil and wanting to kill us all.
What do they even talk about anyway? I mean do they have a meaningful conversation that doesn't revolve around the various hellmouth-related nasties? Aren't conversations about fun things part of a healthy relationship too? Especially ones that can take place in full view of the sun?
Okay, I'm travelling a little too fast down the Jealousy Expressway. Time to ease off on the pedal and steer down another street with less irritating scenery.
Willow and Oz, dancing slowly and normally. They are in a nice normal relationship. I mean relatively. I don't want to make generalizations, but in my experience, a witch and a werewolf make a better couple than a vampire and a slayer. With a witch and a werewolf, there isn't that whole conflict of interest like you get with a vampire and a vampire slayer. They're destinies don't involve one killing the other. Than there is the whole natural alliteration with witch and werewolf. You know with the W's there.
Okay. This officially sucks. I'm actually boring myself further. I would be having more fun sleeping at this point. I probably would be sleeping tonight too. Except that after skipping out on the last Bronze trip, Buffy started feeling all guilty and sad about excluding me from the last mission. So she made up for it by badgering me non-stop about how "great of a friend" I am and how I've done "quite well" in other missions. All this to get me to start hanging out more.
And for what?
So that I can watch her and Angel make out, in the middle of the dance floor? Great. Now Oz and Willow are doing it too. Was there some cue in this interminably long slow song that whispers "Kiss now".
Clearly this isn't going well. I'm not having any kind of fun. If I don't cool off I'm going to say something mean, if not to myself than to one of them, and then I'll just feel worse. If that's even possible. I grab a pen that a waitress left behind on our table and quickly scribble "Feeling Nauseous. Going Home. Xand" on a napkin.
Well, you can't call it a lie.
I place the corner of the napkin under a coffee cup, so that it won't blow off the table but you can clearly see there's a note written there as you near the table. I grab my jacket off the opposite corner of the couch and quickly get up. My desperate attempt to retreat from all this self-loathing was nearly complete. But as I turned to leave, my plan completely fell apart.
Faith.
"Hi handsome." She purrs as we stand face to face. Well sort of. Her head is sort of tilted as she greeted me and she's smiling at me. I wouldn't call it a flirtatious smile, more like that standard Faith smile that says "I'm happy knowing that I can kick your ass".
Did I mention I had sex with Faith a few nights back?
"Uh, h-hey Faith. What's up?" I'm trying really hard not to stammer. I'm just realizing that I don't actually need to undress Faith mentally anymore because I've seen her amazing figure up close and unclothed. But since I'm still a teenage kind of guy, I'm undressing her mentally anyway.
"You takin' off?" she asks curiously. "It's not even 10".
"Yeah, stomachache, think it might be the coffee" I lie.
"Oh, guess it has nothing to do with B and her guy lip locking and making you feel like a third wheel?" she replies. Guess that lie didn't work. I don't have a witty comeback for that, so I'm hoping that she'll let me go if I just look pitiful enough and stare at the floor, in some sort of silent admission that she is right. "Well that excuse just isn't good enough for me", she says grabbing my jacket from my hand and throwing it back on the couch. "Besides, I just got done with the slayer shift, and I want somebody to hang out with while I rest my feet".
She sits down on the couch and pats the seat next to her. Its not an invitation to sit down, its an order. I sigh in frustration, then sit down.
As soon as I sit, she leans forward to get the note I left under the coffee table. My eyes automatically shift to her back and um, her lower back. Okay, whatever. I was looking at her butt. I also notice that she is wearing a shiny black thong. In my defense, her low-rise jeans were doing a poor job of concealing this fact from me. And as I keep saying, I'm just a guy, an utterly hopeless teenage guy.
God, she's hot. Must make conversation. Blood leaving brain and going to other places.
"I don't blame you. Watching them suck face would make me want to throw up too" she quips as crumples up my excuse napkin and dumps it into the nearby wastebasket.
"Yeah," I laugh slightly but very nervously.
"So, where've you been? Haven't seen you around since our bonding session." she inquires as she leans back into the couch. Her right arm is resting on the back of the couch right behind me and she's resting her head on my shoulder. Her hair smells nice, not as nice as Buffy's. I don't think any girl's hair will smell better than that. But still, Faith's scent is a contender.
"I've been taking the last few nights off the club scene. You know, getting some rest." I answer not wanting to bore her with the truth. Lying on my bed and listening to country music while evaluating how many ways I've permanently destroyed my love life would probably lead the conversation in a direction neither of us would feel comfortable with.
"I was worried that I totally scarred you after that night. Figured you might be avoiding me".
Faith worried? Now that is a harbinger of the apocalypse.
"Believe me. That was the only good thing to happen for the last few days. But I got your message loud and clear. We're not dating, now or ever. I'm not going to run to Buffy and everyone else saying we're going steady" I joke as we make eye contact briefly and smile at each other before she rests her head back on my shoulder.
"You're one of a kind, Harris", she says as the hand that she was resting behind me is now playing with my hair on the back of my head. I'm silently thanking God that I'm wearing long sleeves, because I can feel the goose bumps on my arms swelling a bit.
"Thanks, I guess".
"Most guys I've been with don't immediately understand that I don't want a relationship".
"I consider myself better than most guys at knowing when women don't want anything more to do with me," I chuckle. If I cut myself down anymore tonight, I'll be shorter than Oz.
A short lull begins to set in as we continue to watch the others dance.
"What exactly were you doing when you gave me the big assist on that demon with your car?" Faith asks. What indeed.
"Well, long story short, I ran into some recently resurrected high school aged thugs who wanted to kill me and then blow up the school. Not necessarily in that order. So while you guys were dealing with the hellmouth thing in the library, I was being chased by pseudo zombies and stopping a bomb from blowing up in the basement."
"Cool," Faith replies, not even raising her head from my shoulder this time. I like how she takes things at face value. Less explaining that way. If I had said something like that to Giles he would've immediately ordered Buffy to investigate. Then Buffy would've got mad at me because Giles would've assigned her more patrols when she wanted to spend the night watching 'Dawson's Creek' with Willow.
The slow song that nearly led to my early departure has mercifully stopped and the gang is heading back over to the couch. Buffy is sitting in a comfy chair across the coffee table from us as Angel appears to be grabbing his jacket. I guess he's taking over patrol now. Willow and Oz are sitting next to Faith and I. Willow is sitting on the other side of me, and has taken notice of Faith playing with my hair. She looks pretty concerned about this. This is yet another future conversation I won't like. I decide on finishing the rest of my coffee. Reaching for my cup doesn't stop Faith from playing with my hair, but at least I won't fidget as much.
"See any action tonight Faith?" Buffy asks. I expect Faith to reply with some sort of funny sex reference, but then dismiss it since she and Buffy are clearly talking shop.
"Sadly no, but the night's still young. Right Xander?" Faith fires back as I'm sipping my coffee. She's giving me this very lusty look and the whole thing happens so fast that some of the coffee has no gone down the wrong pipe and I begin coughing. Guess I was wrong about Faith going for the sex joke. Everybody gets a good laugh out of that, including Willow thankfully.
"Oh you mean slayerwise? A couple of vamps in the warehouse district. Easy dustings. Otherwise very ho-hum." Faith carelessly replies.
"I'll swing by there, make sure there wasn't a meeting of any sort that was supposed to take place," Angel informs.
"Sure you don't want backup?" Buffy asks with a tinge of concern.
"No way, its your night off. I'll be fine. Have fun." Angel insists as he kisses her forehead and departs.
We all sort of watch Buffy watch Angel leave. Then she turns her attention back to the rest of us.
"So Xand, what have you and Faith been chatting about?" Buffy inquires.
Crap.
Think Xander think. About what? The thong? No, not that.
"Oh, I was telling Faith that she's not missing much by skipping out on public education". Whew. That was a decent recovery.
"And I was telling Xander he's not missing much by way of daytime TV".
Another lull in the conversation. Everybody sort of nods their heads waiting for an interesting topic to come up. Well, everyone except Oz. That guy lives for silence. Another slow song comes up.
"I wanna dance," Faith interjects and grabs my hand.
"Uh, okay," clearly I look thrilled in my response.
I don't recognize the song. But its not a sappy slow song. More of a filled with carnal desire type of slow song. Definitely more of a Faith song than Buffy.
Faith has put both of her arms over my shoulders and is intermittently bringing her hips in contact with mine.
"I appreciate this, but I really don't need cheering up," I say lightly. Faith doesn't respond immediately, but rather locks eyes with me with this very serious expression. She's still moving with the music. She slowly closes the distance between us, her lips right next to my ear. Each breath cascading down my neck and causing me to shiver a little bit.
"I'm doing this for me," she whispers and without warning begins to suck on the loose part of my ear. Not for an extended period time mind you, but long enough for my body to register it, and for my heart to stop.
"Faith," I try to begin.
"Shhh," she interrupts with another whisper. There is a little pause while we continue to dance. "Willow and Buffy don't like me touching you" she says with sort of a devilish look.
"So why do it?" I laugh, "I mean not that I want you to stop or anything".
She's still smiling at me. We begin moving towards the center of the dance floor out of view of Buffy and the others.
"Its important that you know how attractive you are," she whispers in my ear again. I shake my head in disbelief. "I'm serious," Faith insists. "I wouldn't have shared that night with you if I wasn't curious what you looked like under your clothes".
"So why not have a boyfriend? I mean not me, obviously, but any guy," I ask with equal seriousness. Faith is taking her time responding this time, and I'm beginning to worry that my hands are becoming more and more clammy. I feel like I'm in Junior High all over again.
"I'm too in love with being a slayer, having a guy full time would be like an affair," she replies smiling again.
Somehow that made a lot of sense to me. I nod again to let her know that I really understand that.
"You need to impart that kind of wisdom on Buffy," I joke.
"Not for lack of trying," Faith replies. I'm actually feeling pretty comfortable dancing with Faith. Like we've got some sort of understanding between us that nobody else in the group can touch.
"So seriously, am I the worst you ever had?" I ask with my newfound bravado.
Another pause, another slow smile forming on her lips as she draws near to whisper again.
"I'm still not sure how honest you were being when you said you were a virgin".
Is she serious? Why would any guy lie and say they're a virgin?
Ask all of Sunnydale High. They still think I'm involuntarily chaste.
"My look of panic and nervous stammering didn't sell that point well enough?" I ask cocking my eyebrow. Faith just laughs. She looks beautiful when she laughs, an innocent kind of beautiful. She straightens her expression just as quickly. There's certain sides of her she doesn't like to show.
"Now I really do regret it," she responds.
Ouch.
Guess I really was that bad.
"Oh, uh well," I don't have a good reply to this.
"Now every girl you'll ever be with will be a distant runner up to me," she says coolly. Oh that's what she was getting at. But that still didn't really answer my question.
"You know what I liked about you?" she asks confidently. My quizzical expression is begging for an answer. "Most guys are super confident when they think they're wooing me into their beds, then get more and more scared when they realize just how in control I'm in".
Not knowing what having confidence really entails, I'm finding this really hard to process.
"You knew you didn't have any control. You know exactly what you are. Your strengths, your weaknesses. All of it. Most people never understand themselves that well".
"Not only do I know about my weaknesses, I brag about them constantly," I joke trying to lighten the mood. Faith is giving me the serious face again, so I retreat from my stand-up routine.
"It makes you better than them, Xander, better than most anybody. I wasn't bullshitting when I said that you are one of a kind," she finishes.
We look at each other for a moment.
I believe her. I don't know why, but I believe her.
Now I'm just trying to think of way to say I believe her and thank her without saying it and making this whole conversation more awkward.
I put my hand on her cheek, and pull her closer. She's looking hesitant. She's thinking I want a full on make out session, but all I want is to kiss her forehead, which she allows.
"Thank you," I whisper as she looks back up at me. She nods. I don't feel worthless or even ordinary anymore. I'm not even worrying that this is only a temporary moment of happiness, or that after all this I'm still alone.
I've proven that I can handle a dangerous situation on my own.
I've proven that I'm worth something, even if I can never prove it to someone other than myself.
FIN
Willow and Oz.
Buffy and Angel.
Xander and "The Couch".
So far these are the couples at the Bronze. I'll give you one guess which pair isn't dancing. Although my love for this or any other couch runs very deep, couches and I have the same ability to dance. Which is to say no ability to dance. But hey couches are great in their own way. You sit on them, relax on them, watch TV, or even make out on them.
Great. We've barely been here an hour and my thoughts are already rambling. A year and a half ago this wouldn't have been new territory for me. I was used to not actually dancing with anybody. I was used to being a dateless wonder hopelessly pining over his best friend. I had accepted this as being true-to-form Xander Harris.
In a strange way, I was happier back then when I didn't know what being in a relationship was really all about. I think whoever said "Tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all" would've totally gotten his ass kicked by the guy who said "Ignorance is bliss".
Buffy is resting her head against Angel's chest as they dance and she's starting to get that look on her face like she's about to cry about how beautifully tragic her relationship with him is. Like she's happy and doomed all at once. I don't even know why they continue to see each other, when clearly he can't fulfill all her needs without y'know, going evil and wanting to kill us all.
What do they even talk about anyway? I mean do they have a meaningful conversation that doesn't revolve around the various hellmouth-related nasties? Aren't conversations about fun things part of a healthy relationship too? Especially ones that can take place in full view of the sun?
Okay, I'm travelling a little too fast down the Jealousy Expressway. Time to ease off on the pedal and steer down another street with less irritating scenery.
Willow and Oz, dancing slowly and normally. They are in a nice normal relationship. I mean relatively. I don't want to make generalizations, but in my experience, a witch and a werewolf make a better couple than a vampire and a slayer. With a witch and a werewolf, there isn't that whole conflict of interest like you get with a vampire and a vampire slayer. They're destinies don't involve one killing the other. Than there is the whole natural alliteration with witch and werewolf. You know with the W's there.
Okay. This officially sucks. I'm actually boring myself further. I would be having more fun sleeping at this point. I probably would be sleeping tonight too. Except that after skipping out on the last Bronze trip, Buffy started feeling all guilty and sad about excluding me from the last mission. So she made up for it by badgering me non-stop about how "great of a friend" I am and how I've done "quite well" in other missions. All this to get me to start hanging out more.
And for what?
So that I can watch her and Angel make out, in the middle of the dance floor? Great. Now Oz and Willow are doing it too. Was there some cue in this interminably long slow song that whispers "Kiss now".
Clearly this isn't going well. I'm not having any kind of fun. If I don't cool off I'm going to say something mean, if not to myself than to one of them, and then I'll just feel worse. If that's even possible. I grab a pen that a waitress left behind on our table and quickly scribble "Feeling Nauseous. Going Home. Xand" on a napkin.
Well, you can't call it a lie.
I place the corner of the napkin under a coffee cup, so that it won't blow off the table but you can clearly see there's a note written there as you near the table. I grab my jacket off the opposite corner of the couch and quickly get up. My desperate attempt to retreat from all this self-loathing was nearly complete. But as I turned to leave, my plan completely fell apart.
Faith.
"Hi handsome." She purrs as we stand face to face. Well sort of. Her head is sort of tilted as she greeted me and she's smiling at me. I wouldn't call it a flirtatious smile, more like that standard Faith smile that says "I'm happy knowing that I can kick your ass".
Did I mention I had sex with Faith a few nights back?
"Uh, h-hey Faith. What's up?" I'm trying really hard not to stammer. I'm just realizing that I don't actually need to undress Faith mentally anymore because I've seen her amazing figure up close and unclothed. But since I'm still a teenage kind of guy, I'm undressing her mentally anyway.
"You takin' off?" she asks curiously. "It's not even 10".
"Yeah, stomachache, think it might be the coffee" I lie.
"Oh, guess it has nothing to do with B and her guy lip locking and making you feel like a third wheel?" she replies. Guess that lie didn't work. I don't have a witty comeback for that, so I'm hoping that she'll let me go if I just look pitiful enough and stare at the floor, in some sort of silent admission that she is right. "Well that excuse just isn't good enough for me", she says grabbing my jacket from my hand and throwing it back on the couch. "Besides, I just got done with the slayer shift, and I want somebody to hang out with while I rest my feet".
She sits down on the couch and pats the seat next to her. Its not an invitation to sit down, its an order. I sigh in frustration, then sit down.
As soon as I sit, she leans forward to get the note I left under the coffee table. My eyes automatically shift to her back and um, her lower back. Okay, whatever. I was looking at her butt. I also notice that she is wearing a shiny black thong. In my defense, her low-rise jeans were doing a poor job of concealing this fact from me. And as I keep saying, I'm just a guy, an utterly hopeless teenage guy.
God, she's hot. Must make conversation. Blood leaving brain and going to other places.
"I don't blame you. Watching them suck face would make me want to throw up too" she quips as crumples up my excuse napkin and dumps it into the nearby wastebasket.
"Yeah," I laugh slightly but very nervously.
"So, where've you been? Haven't seen you around since our bonding session." she inquires as she leans back into the couch. Her right arm is resting on the back of the couch right behind me and she's resting her head on my shoulder. Her hair smells nice, not as nice as Buffy's. I don't think any girl's hair will smell better than that. But still, Faith's scent is a contender.
"I've been taking the last few nights off the club scene. You know, getting some rest." I answer not wanting to bore her with the truth. Lying on my bed and listening to country music while evaluating how many ways I've permanently destroyed my love life would probably lead the conversation in a direction neither of us would feel comfortable with.
"I was worried that I totally scarred you after that night. Figured you might be avoiding me".
Faith worried? Now that is a harbinger of the apocalypse.
"Believe me. That was the only good thing to happen for the last few days. But I got your message loud and clear. We're not dating, now or ever. I'm not going to run to Buffy and everyone else saying we're going steady" I joke as we make eye contact briefly and smile at each other before she rests her head back on my shoulder.
"You're one of a kind, Harris", she says as the hand that she was resting behind me is now playing with my hair on the back of my head. I'm silently thanking God that I'm wearing long sleeves, because I can feel the goose bumps on my arms swelling a bit.
"Thanks, I guess".
"Most guys I've been with don't immediately understand that I don't want a relationship".
"I consider myself better than most guys at knowing when women don't want anything more to do with me," I chuckle. If I cut myself down anymore tonight, I'll be shorter than Oz.
A short lull begins to set in as we continue to watch the others dance.
"What exactly were you doing when you gave me the big assist on that demon with your car?" Faith asks. What indeed.
"Well, long story short, I ran into some recently resurrected high school aged thugs who wanted to kill me and then blow up the school. Not necessarily in that order. So while you guys were dealing with the hellmouth thing in the library, I was being chased by pseudo zombies and stopping a bomb from blowing up in the basement."
"Cool," Faith replies, not even raising her head from my shoulder this time. I like how she takes things at face value. Less explaining that way. If I had said something like that to Giles he would've immediately ordered Buffy to investigate. Then Buffy would've got mad at me because Giles would've assigned her more patrols when she wanted to spend the night watching 'Dawson's Creek' with Willow.
The slow song that nearly led to my early departure has mercifully stopped and the gang is heading back over to the couch. Buffy is sitting in a comfy chair across the coffee table from us as Angel appears to be grabbing his jacket. I guess he's taking over patrol now. Willow and Oz are sitting next to Faith and I. Willow is sitting on the other side of me, and has taken notice of Faith playing with my hair. She looks pretty concerned about this. This is yet another future conversation I won't like. I decide on finishing the rest of my coffee. Reaching for my cup doesn't stop Faith from playing with my hair, but at least I won't fidget as much.
"See any action tonight Faith?" Buffy asks. I expect Faith to reply with some sort of funny sex reference, but then dismiss it since she and Buffy are clearly talking shop.
"Sadly no, but the night's still young. Right Xander?" Faith fires back as I'm sipping my coffee. She's giving me this very lusty look and the whole thing happens so fast that some of the coffee has no gone down the wrong pipe and I begin coughing. Guess I was wrong about Faith going for the sex joke. Everybody gets a good laugh out of that, including Willow thankfully.
"Oh you mean slayerwise? A couple of vamps in the warehouse district. Easy dustings. Otherwise very ho-hum." Faith carelessly replies.
"I'll swing by there, make sure there wasn't a meeting of any sort that was supposed to take place," Angel informs.
"Sure you don't want backup?" Buffy asks with a tinge of concern.
"No way, its your night off. I'll be fine. Have fun." Angel insists as he kisses her forehead and departs.
We all sort of watch Buffy watch Angel leave. Then she turns her attention back to the rest of us.
"So Xand, what have you and Faith been chatting about?" Buffy inquires.
Crap.
Think Xander think. About what? The thong? No, not that.
"Oh, I was telling Faith that she's not missing much by skipping out on public education". Whew. That was a decent recovery.
"And I was telling Xander he's not missing much by way of daytime TV".
Another lull in the conversation. Everybody sort of nods their heads waiting for an interesting topic to come up. Well, everyone except Oz. That guy lives for silence. Another slow song comes up.
"I wanna dance," Faith interjects and grabs my hand.
"Uh, okay," clearly I look thrilled in my response.
I don't recognize the song. But its not a sappy slow song. More of a filled with carnal desire type of slow song. Definitely more of a Faith song than Buffy.
Faith has put both of her arms over my shoulders and is intermittently bringing her hips in contact with mine.
"I appreciate this, but I really don't need cheering up," I say lightly. Faith doesn't respond immediately, but rather locks eyes with me with this very serious expression. She's still moving with the music. She slowly closes the distance between us, her lips right next to my ear. Each breath cascading down my neck and causing me to shiver a little bit.
"I'm doing this for me," she whispers and without warning begins to suck on the loose part of my ear. Not for an extended period time mind you, but long enough for my body to register it, and for my heart to stop.
"Faith," I try to begin.
"Shhh," she interrupts with another whisper. There is a little pause while we continue to dance. "Willow and Buffy don't like me touching you" she says with sort of a devilish look.
"So why do it?" I laugh, "I mean not that I want you to stop or anything".
She's still smiling at me. We begin moving towards the center of the dance floor out of view of Buffy and the others.
"Its important that you know how attractive you are," she whispers in my ear again. I shake my head in disbelief. "I'm serious," Faith insists. "I wouldn't have shared that night with you if I wasn't curious what you looked like under your clothes".
"So why not have a boyfriend? I mean not me, obviously, but any guy," I ask with equal seriousness. Faith is taking her time responding this time, and I'm beginning to worry that my hands are becoming more and more clammy. I feel like I'm in Junior High all over again.
"I'm too in love with being a slayer, having a guy full time would be like an affair," she replies smiling again.
Somehow that made a lot of sense to me. I nod again to let her know that I really understand that.
"You need to impart that kind of wisdom on Buffy," I joke.
"Not for lack of trying," Faith replies. I'm actually feeling pretty comfortable dancing with Faith. Like we've got some sort of understanding between us that nobody else in the group can touch.
"So seriously, am I the worst you ever had?" I ask with my newfound bravado.
Another pause, another slow smile forming on her lips as she draws near to whisper again.
"I'm still not sure how honest you were being when you said you were a virgin".
Is she serious? Why would any guy lie and say they're a virgin?
Ask all of Sunnydale High. They still think I'm involuntarily chaste.
"My look of panic and nervous stammering didn't sell that point well enough?" I ask cocking my eyebrow. Faith just laughs. She looks beautiful when she laughs, an innocent kind of beautiful. She straightens her expression just as quickly. There's certain sides of her she doesn't like to show.
"Now I really do regret it," she responds.
Ouch.
Guess I really was that bad.
"Oh, uh well," I don't have a good reply to this.
"Now every girl you'll ever be with will be a distant runner up to me," she says coolly. Oh that's what she was getting at. But that still didn't really answer my question.
"You know what I liked about you?" she asks confidently. My quizzical expression is begging for an answer. "Most guys are super confident when they think they're wooing me into their beds, then get more and more scared when they realize just how in control I'm in".
Not knowing what having confidence really entails, I'm finding this really hard to process.
"You knew you didn't have any control. You know exactly what you are. Your strengths, your weaknesses. All of it. Most people never understand themselves that well".
"Not only do I know about my weaknesses, I brag about them constantly," I joke trying to lighten the mood. Faith is giving me the serious face again, so I retreat from my stand-up routine.
"It makes you better than them, Xander, better than most anybody. I wasn't bullshitting when I said that you are one of a kind," she finishes.
We look at each other for a moment.
I believe her. I don't know why, but I believe her.
Now I'm just trying to think of way to say I believe her and thank her without saying it and making this whole conversation more awkward.
I put my hand on her cheek, and pull her closer. She's looking hesitant. She's thinking I want a full on make out session, but all I want is to kiss her forehead, which she allows.
"Thank you," I whisper as she looks back up at me. She nods. I don't feel worthless or even ordinary anymore. I'm not even worrying that this is only a temporary moment of happiness, or that after all this I'm still alone.
I've proven that I can handle a dangerous situation on my own.
I've proven that I'm worth something, even if I can never prove it to someone other than myself.
FIN