Petra: This started out as just a kinda "normal" fic but then got... wierd...
Kati: *rolls eyes* You couldn't write normal if it jumped up and bit you in the ass!
Petra: And like you could?
Kati: I don't have to be normal. I'm a muse!
Petra: Uh-huh...
DEDICATED: To Mamo-chan, you could have been great if those animators hadn't screwed you up.
WARNING: Slight (very slight) cussing and illegal drug usage. By the by, this follows the manga...
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters (obviously). And the song is by Evanescence.
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You're Taking Over Me
" 'He's throwing away something that comes once in a lifetime.' 'And what's that?' 'Everything he could ask for... to have someone like you.' " -Rhysenn; Irresistable Poison (HP)
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I DO NOT condone the use of any illegal, harmful drugs. I write about characters using them but NEVER EVER think that anyone should do it themselves. This is FICTION. Meaning that sometimes, what I write goes against my own beliefs.
//You don't remember me
But I remember you//
"Please…" the shadowy figure tensed, as though in pain. "Help me…" The plea was almost more than the boy could bear and he felt himself cry out, taking a shaky step forward into… an invisible wall.
"What?!" he cried, the pain making his voice break. "What do I do? Tell me!" He pounded vainly on the invisible wall, his hands quickly becoming red and sore.
"Free me…" she said, turning toward him, the moonlight reflecting off her eyes making them appear silver. Or maybe they really were silver; he didn't know. "Look for me. I cannot help you outside of these walls." She gestured vaguely and then put a hand up against the one nearest her. "I'm trapped."
"Where?" he whispered, his hands still tingling from the wall, as he felt the hopelessness coming from the woman. "Where do I look?"
"I…" she paused and, again, her body stiffened, as though in pain. "I don't know. I'm trapped in my memories and I can't escape." Her breath was coming out louder, now, and she was leaning against one of the broken pillars that littered the ground. She had one hand clutched at her abdomen as she tried to continue. "Near you. Near enough that I feel you…" The girl let out a gasp of pain and then pulled her hand away, the moonlight revealing that there was now blood on her hand and it covered her dress. "I… I'm still too weak…" She slid down the pillar until she was sitting on the floor, her hand back to clutching her abdomen. "Find me… My prince, free me!"
Suddenly the world shattered into crystal color and Mamoru Chiba opened his eyes.
//I lie awake and try so hard
Not to think of you//
Mamoru rubbed his sleep-deprived eyes and stumbled into his kitchen. Was he dressed? He paused at the thought and then looked down, relieved to find that he wouldn't have to try to walk across his living room again. The dreams were getting worse but, for some reason, tonight he hadn't dreamed but, rather, remembered the first time he'd dreamed of his princess. Were the dreams showing that he was getting closer? If only…
He groaned and then stared in horror at the coffee pot, which, apparently, he'd forgotten to set on automatic last night. He had no coffee. Mamoru wondered if his neighbors would be bothered if he just screamed his frustration to the world. He sighed and bottled the emotion up until later tonight, when he would be able to creep in the night, searching for any information on his princess. To tell the truth, the only thing keeping him awake was coffee and... He sighed and walked to the extra bathroom that was for company he never had. Carefully, he opened the top drawer and stared at the needle. Meth. He didn't remember who had first gotten him hooked on it but he did remember that it had been another of the boys at the orphanage. He'd been an addict at first but, through sheer will power alone and lots of prescription drugs, he'd managed to quit… until the dreams began to come every night. He'd needed the extra boost to pass his classes and he was very careful that he never took too much in one week. He sighed and then began to prepare the needle. There was no way he was going to be able to pass all those tests if he didn't give himself a jolt.
//But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do…//
Mamoru didn't know why, but for some reason the drug didn't affect him as badly as it affected other people. He was sure that it had something to do with his dream, he just wasn't sure what. Maybe he wasn't human. He snorted at that thought as he walked down the street. This high wouldn't last long, he knew from experience, but it should last him at least through his lunch when he could go home and shoot up again. He groaned. He didn't like the idea of shooting up twice, there was too much of a chance that he would get addicted again, but this was the last day before a two week break and he had a test in every class; it really wouldn't do for him to doze off in the middle of the test.
At that moment his thoughts were interrupted as someone ran into him, more specifically right into the place where he'd just shot up. He cursed and staggered back, a cruel bit of satisfaction coursing through him as he heard the other person fall to the ground and let out a cry of pain. Then he reinserted his control and looked up, seeing a girl of about fifteen sprawled on the floor in front of him, the skirt barely covering her. He couldn't help the fact that his eyes lingered for a moment on those pale legs before finally up to the girl's face.
Usagi? He'd just been ogling Usagi? Sure, she'd hit him upside the head with a paper a few times and she was as immature as they come but because of the baggy clothes and long skirts he'd never noticed that she actually had a very nice figure. Right as he looked at her face, she opened her eyes and, for a moment, he had a flash of silver eyes before the vision was gone and sky blue eyes looked up at him. Panic overtook him and, without a thought, he snapped something at her, he didn't know what, and stormed away before she could realize that the agitated twitching of his limbs was actually trembling. Were the dreams coming during the day now?
//I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you//
Mamoru stared dispassionately at the coffee sitting in front of him. Motoki was worried about him… again… He sighed and wondered if it would be rude to slap the blonde man upside the head. Probably, but that certainly didn't stop him from dreaming about it. He knew he looked like shit. After all, he hadn't taken any more meth yet and the first shot had worn off almost as soon as he finished the test before lunch period. He hadn't wanted to shoot up again so soon after the first dose, so he'd opted to come and talk with Motoki for a while. Big mistake.
"Are you dying or something?" Mamoru shot Motoki a glare that he hoped would kill the younger man but, unluckily, it only winded him. "I mean, you can tell me."
"I'm not dying," Mamoru managed to growl out and, of course, was proud of himself for not adding any names at the end. "I was just up all night and I have tests all day."
Motoki peered down at him, looking as though he was trying to decide whether or not to believe the black-haired man. Oh please do! Mamoru couldn't help the thought that invaded his mind. Okay, so there was more than just the one side affect to the meth Mamoru took. So what if it made him cranky and depressed? Right? Right. It didn't matter… and he knew he could never do anything like commit suicide. After all his life wasn't his own. It belonged to his princess…
//I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me//
"You need to get a date," Motoki said, glaring at the fact that Mamoru had, yet again, spaced out. "I mean, all you do is go to school, come here, and go home. That can't be healthy." When Mamoru didn't say anything the other man continued, "I have someone who likes you, you know. She's really cute."
Mamoru smiled gently, a smile that Motoki had never seen before, and said, "That's okay. I have someone waiting for me."
"What?!" Before Motoki even realized that he as going to, he had Mamoru grabbed by the lapels and was holding them so their faces were only an inch apart. "When?! Where?!"
"I met her when I was around fifteen. I remember because it was around that time that I finally got over my drug addiction," Mamoru said, carefully taking Motoki's hands off his lapel. However, it wasn't needed as the other boy dropped them in shock.
"You…" his eyes were wide. "You were addicted to drugs?"
Mamoru shrugged and took another sip of his coffee. "For two years, from thirteen to fifteen; meth was my main thing, though I did the other stuff sometimes too." Motoki stared at the man sitting calmly in front of him in shock. Did he even know the man that he called his best friend? "She's the only thing that's kept me alive these years." His smile became rather self-deprecating. "She's the only reason I do what I do." He trailed off and, for a long moment, they were both silent. Mamoru sighed before looking at his watch and then nodding his goodbye, leaving Motoki to wonder if anyone truly knew who Mamoru Chiba was, even the man himself.
//Have you forgotten all I know
And all we had?//
The dream was different tonight. The princess wasn't standing regally against the backdrop of a moon reflected off the water but was on her knees in a corner, sobbing into her hands. "Princess?" Mamoru called, suddenly scared that something had happened.
Her head whipped up and, for a moment, her face was caught in the moonlight and he gasped at her beauty. "Who's there?" That scared him. That simple question scared him more than anything else ever had in his entire life. She was the only one who knew who he was and she was the only one that made him believe that someday he would find out exactly who and what he had been before the accident. If she forgot…
"Princess, it's me…" he trailed off, not knowing what else to say.
"Prince…" she whispered and then stood up, walking more than a little unsteadily for a moment, until she was standing in front of him, her hand pressed up against the divider. "I forgot, for a moment." Those words froze his heart and he was surprised to find that tears were suddenly coursing down his face.
"You can't… you're the only one who knows… the only one…" He leaned his forehead against the divider. "You just can't."
"Shh…" she whispered, her hand pressed against the barrier by his face, as though trying to cup his cheek. "This means we touched today."
"What?" he tried to lean forward into the caress but the barrier was still there. "What do you mean?"
"Brushed shoulders in a crowd, brushed fingers in the subway, or bumped into each other on our way to school. I don't know exactly but we touched and now… I'm becoming one with her." She shivered slightly and he watched as one silver teardrop slid down her cheek to fall on the ground. "But… this will be the last time I can visit you. It's already begun but, each time we touch, whether accidentally or one purpose, she and I can meld further together. Then, one day, I will begin to give her dreams of her memories and, by then, I know you will have found us."
"You can't leave me," he whispered, the pain in his voice so thick there was really no need for words.
"I'm not leaving. I'm simply waiting." Then she leaned forward as the divider disappeared and kissed his on the lips before she melted away, leaving Mamoru to stare his bedroom ceiling, silent tears making their way down his cheeks to the pillow beneath, the memory of silver eyes the color of moonlight burned forever into him.
//You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand // I knew you loved me then//
Mamoru stared into the cup in front of him, perhaps hoping that the brown sludge known as coffee would have all the answers. He hadn't dreamed about her in three days. That was the longest time he'd gone without her sweet voice and it was driving him mad. She had been the only constant in his life. Even when everything else was going to hell, even when nothing went as it should have, he had known he could fall asleep and she would be there waiting. But now…
This morning he'd been tempted to shoot up a far larger dose and let himself forget about his miseries, but the fear that he might become addicted again had stopped him. His body wasn't use to the sleep he was getting and Mamoru felt more tired than he did when he got only three hours of sleep at night. He groaned and rested his forehead on his hand.
"Mamoru-san…" Mamoru recognized the voice instantly and wanted to curse. He wasn't in the mood to put up with Usagi today and, with his senses dulled, he especially didn't need the klutz attacks that came with her. He turned toward the girl who had seated herself beside him.
"What?" he said, barely able to keep the hostility out of her voice.
"Are you okay? You haven't been acting like yourself…" she said, worry showing clear in her eyes. Goddamn her sky blue eyes. When he took too long to answer she moved closer and, placing her hand on his, asked, "Is everything alright?" Mamoru froze from the warmth that spread up his hand and the memory of lips upon lips over silver eyes came back to him suddenly. "Mamoru-san…" she trailed off again until he turned to her. "Mamoru-kun, I'm worried about you…"
He looked into her sky blues eyes, wishing, hoping, that they would turn silver but nothing happened. He peered more closely, seeing something hidden just behind her eyes and then pulled back and away when he realized that it was. She loved him. This little girl, whom he tortured and was cruel to, loved him like no one other than his princess had.
//I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you//
"I… I…" Mamoru found his vocal chords suddenly lost and he felt panic beginning to rise.
"Mamoru," the simple word, absent of all suffixes, was enough to freeze him in place. "I wish you would open up to me." She took a step closer, looking him straight in the eyes. "I'm here for you, if you let me be."
Mamoru was frozen, trapped in the feelings that were coursing through him. Yes, she was gorgeous and, yes, she was the sweetest person that he had ever met but he couldn't be with her, he was waiting for the princess. He wasn't scared of her though, this fear that was rising up within him wasn't the fear of hurting her but rather, it was the fear that he loved her. He didn't know. Did he love her? As he stared down at her, taking in her petite figure with the long blonde hair and the eyes that put a summer sky to shame, he knew he did… but when? When had he fallen in love with her? How could he have fallen in loved with her if he loved the princess?
He felt like scum, liked he'd just considered cheating on his girlfriend, and with a strangled cry he turned and ran. He loved her. He loved her! How could he love her? He couldn't be with her, though, his life was not his own. He ducked into an alley and took deep breaths, trying to make the trembling that had overtaken his limbs stop. He loved her… he closed his eyes and called forth memories, surprised at how well he remembered exactly what she looked like. "Usako…" he whispered, remembering the look in her eyes as she'd told him that she was there for him.
"Mamo-chan!" he froze as he heard his name called and watched as the girl ran past his hiding place and then around the corner, calling his name. His eyes followed her until he couldn't see her anymore, and then they turned inward as he remembered her.
The anger rose within him suddenly, without warning or time to face it, and in a moment as the fire ate his blood he punched his fist into the brick wall. The pain pushed his anger back down and he slumped to the floor, cradling his bloody hand against his body. "I'm so sorry…" he realized with a shock that he was repeating the phrase over and over again. "So sorry, so sorry. I'm so sorry, so so so sorry." He stood up and then slowly walked away, sparing a glance over his shoulder at the last place she had been at. "I love you, too. I can't be with you though." He took a deep breath and, careful that the blood didn't show, started to walk down the street as he said, "Princess, I will find you. Even if it means sacrificing my love, I will find you."
//I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me//
The dream was back for the first time in three days but it was different. The scene would waver between the broken landscape where the princess slumped weakly against a pillow, to the arcade with Usagi standing strong and proud staring at him with love in her eyes. "Mamoru…" the princess whispered, the first time she had used his name. The image wavered again until he saw Usagi, standing defiantly. "I've been waiting for so long…" the image wavered again until it was the princess.
She turned, her face shadowed by the giant pillar, toward the man. "I'm so tired. I just want to let myself go, but I can't, because I have to find you…" A single tear fell to the ground. "You're the only one who can release what is hidden deep inside her, and then what is deep inside me." She cupped her hands in front of her and a small light filled it. "Do you know what this is?"
Mamoru shook his head, not trusting his voice. It was like love put into a little ball, it was perfect and beautiful and wonderful. Without meaning to, he took a step forward and then stopped, surprised to find that no barrier blocked his way.
"This," she whispered, "Is the most powerful thing in the entire universe. I hold it buried deep within me but only you can release it." Silver eyes shone from the shadows but, for a minute, the strong, clear eyes of Usagi overshadowed them. "Just as I am the key to your memories, so are you the key to mine and the power with which to save the world." She stood up, her face down so that her long hair which hung loose around her, hid her face. "Please, free me…"
He darted forward as she fell and he caught her, her face tucked between his shoulder and neck. He felt something cool and liquid slide down his neck and felt the silent sobs shake her body. He could see her face… his breath hitched in his throat as he gently pulled away and then looked down…
//I look in the mirror and see your face//
Mamoru awoke with a start and stared the empty wall in his bedroom before letting out a scream. It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair! It wasn't FAIR! He pounded the pillow in his anger, wondering what would happen if he just screamed again. He felt the tears sliding down his face and got out of bed with quick angry jerks. He walked outside onto his balcony and held his face in his hands, the tears refusing to stop.
The cool wind wrapped gently around him, as though in a hug, and then even more gently it flew away, leaving him with the impression of soft arms and even softer kisses. He looked up at the moon and whispered, "My Princess, I try so hard. Please, forgive me."
He needed to forget, he needed peace, he needed anything and the only thing that fit that description in his house was the meth. He walked quickly out of his bedroom and down the hallway, until he got to his extra bathroom where he opened the door before. He pulled the stuff out of the drawers, and had just finished prepping the needle when he looked up into the mirror and jumped back with a start. The reflection wasn't his. It was the Princess and, for the first time, he could see her clearly. Then, slowly, her hair wrapped itself into buns and pigtails as it darkened to the color of the sun and her eyes darkened until they were a sky blue. A smile appeared on her face and then she suddenly leaped forward, out of the mirror, and he held his arms out only to have her disappear.
"Princess…" He stepped forward, looking in the mirror which, now, held his reflection before whispering, "Usako?" Then he was gone, only stopping to slip on jeans and tennis shoes before his apartment was once again empty, the only sound the wind as it laughed gently and then went down to meet him on the street.
//If I look deep enough
So many things inside that are// Just like you are taking over//
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IMPORTANT NOTE: For those of you that wish it, DUE TO MY SPORADIC postings, I am offering you, the readers, A MAILING LIST to sign up to. When I finally UPDATE, I will SEND OUT AN EMAIL informing those of you that are on the list that I have finally updated. I need you to EMAIL me, telling that you wish to sign up, and whether it's for ORIGINAL FICTION or FANFICTION. I WILL NOT accept those people that ask to be up on it in a review because I can't be sure that email is real. The mailing list will ALSO OFFER the TITLES of those works that I am posting, the COUPLES (if any) that are in it, which FANDOM it is from, and whether it is a SEQUEL to anything.
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Petra: Yeah... um... it got stange.
Kati: *between peals of laughter* Mamo-baka is a drug addict! Mamo-baka is a drug addict!
Petra: I love Evanescence!
Kati: *still laughing*
Petra: *sigh* Anyways, I hope that no one gets mad that I sort of tone down the fact that drug abuse is bad but, seriously, how does Mamoru get through the day? Also, if anyone wonders why Mamoru doesn't become addicted, he still is, mentally; when stuff isn't going right in his life you'll notice that his first thought is to shoot up. However, he manages to take small doses to keep him awake and, by sheer willpower, he manages not to take too much. If you want to know why he doesn't have the regular effects, just depression and such, he's not human, meaning his body doesn't adapt to things as other people.
Kati: *wipes tears from eyes* Meth is a drug that supposedly is supposed to keep you awake for long amounts of time.
Petra: However, please know that DRUGS ARE BAD!!! I am NOT condoning the use of illegal, harmful drugs. This is a piece of FICTION, meaning that I can bend it to my rules.
Kati: Meaning, that in real life, drugs can mess you up. ESPECIALLY meth, which is an incredibly dangerous drug.
Petra: There you are...
Kati: R&R!
"I dream of a day when I can open my eyes, and my dreams won't disappear."
-Rose Marie Ledam
~Petra Megami Assari~
*The Gentle Tiger Goddess*
Kati: *rolls eyes* You couldn't write normal if it jumped up and bit you in the ass!
Petra: And like you could?
Kati: I don't have to be normal. I'm a muse!
Petra: Uh-huh...
DEDICATED: To Mamo-chan, you could have been great if those animators hadn't screwed you up.
WARNING: Slight (very slight) cussing and illegal drug usage. By the by, this follows the manga...
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters (obviously). And the song is by Evanescence.
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You're Taking Over Me
" 'He's throwing away something that comes once in a lifetime.' 'And what's that?' 'Everything he could ask for... to have someone like you.' " -Rhysenn; Irresistable Poison (HP)
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I DO NOT condone the use of any illegal, harmful drugs. I write about characters using them but NEVER EVER think that anyone should do it themselves. This is FICTION. Meaning that sometimes, what I write goes against my own beliefs.
//You don't remember me
But I remember you//
"Please…" the shadowy figure tensed, as though in pain. "Help me…" The plea was almost more than the boy could bear and he felt himself cry out, taking a shaky step forward into… an invisible wall.
"What?!" he cried, the pain making his voice break. "What do I do? Tell me!" He pounded vainly on the invisible wall, his hands quickly becoming red and sore.
"Free me…" she said, turning toward him, the moonlight reflecting off her eyes making them appear silver. Or maybe they really were silver; he didn't know. "Look for me. I cannot help you outside of these walls." She gestured vaguely and then put a hand up against the one nearest her. "I'm trapped."
"Where?" he whispered, his hands still tingling from the wall, as he felt the hopelessness coming from the woman. "Where do I look?"
"I…" she paused and, again, her body stiffened, as though in pain. "I don't know. I'm trapped in my memories and I can't escape." Her breath was coming out louder, now, and she was leaning against one of the broken pillars that littered the ground. She had one hand clutched at her abdomen as she tried to continue. "Near you. Near enough that I feel you…" The girl let out a gasp of pain and then pulled her hand away, the moonlight revealing that there was now blood on her hand and it covered her dress. "I… I'm still too weak…" She slid down the pillar until she was sitting on the floor, her hand back to clutching her abdomen. "Find me… My prince, free me!"
Suddenly the world shattered into crystal color and Mamoru Chiba opened his eyes.
//I lie awake and try so hard
Not to think of you//
Mamoru rubbed his sleep-deprived eyes and stumbled into his kitchen. Was he dressed? He paused at the thought and then looked down, relieved to find that he wouldn't have to try to walk across his living room again. The dreams were getting worse but, for some reason, tonight he hadn't dreamed but, rather, remembered the first time he'd dreamed of his princess. Were the dreams showing that he was getting closer? If only…
He groaned and then stared in horror at the coffee pot, which, apparently, he'd forgotten to set on automatic last night. He had no coffee. Mamoru wondered if his neighbors would be bothered if he just screamed his frustration to the world. He sighed and bottled the emotion up until later tonight, when he would be able to creep in the night, searching for any information on his princess. To tell the truth, the only thing keeping him awake was coffee and... He sighed and walked to the extra bathroom that was for company he never had. Carefully, he opened the top drawer and stared at the needle. Meth. He didn't remember who had first gotten him hooked on it but he did remember that it had been another of the boys at the orphanage. He'd been an addict at first but, through sheer will power alone and lots of prescription drugs, he'd managed to quit… until the dreams began to come every night. He'd needed the extra boost to pass his classes and he was very careful that he never took too much in one week. He sighed and then began to prepare the needle. There was no way he was going to be able to pass all those tests if he didn't give himself a jolt.
//But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do…//
Mamoru didn't know why, but for some reason the drug didn't affect him as badly as it affected other people. He was sure that it had something to do with his dream, he just wasn't sure what. Maybe he wasn't human. He snorted at that thought as he walked down the street. This high wouldn't last long, he knew from experience, but it should last him at least through his lunch when he could go home and shoot up again. He groaned. He didn't like the idea of shooting up twice, there was too much of a chance that he would get addicted again, but this was the last day before a two week break and he had a test in every class; it really wouldn't do for him to doze off in the middle of the test.
At that moment his thoughts were interrupted as someone ran into him, more specifically right into the place where he'd just shot up. He cursed and staggered back, a cruel bit of satisfaction coursing through him as he heard the other person fall to the ground and let out a cry of pain. Then he reinserted his control and looked up, seeing a girl of about fifteen sprawled on the floor in front of him, the skirt barely covering her. He couldn't help the fact that his eyes lingered for a moment on those pale legs before finally up to the girl's face.
Usagi? He'd just been ogling Usagi? Sure, she'd hit him upside the head with a paper a few times and she was as immature as they come but because of the baggy clothes and long skirts he'd never noticed that she actually had a very nice figure. Right as he looked at her face, she opened her eyes and, for a moment, he had a flash of silver eyes before the vision was gone and sky blue eyes looked up at him. Panic overtook him and, without a thought, he snapped something at her, he didn't know what, and stormed away before she could realize that the agitated twitching of his limbs was actually trembling. Were the dreams coming during the day now?
//I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you//
Mamoru stared dispassionately at the coffee sitting in front of him. Motoki was worried about him… again… He sighed and wondered if it would be rude to slap the blonde man upside the head. Probably, but that certainly didn't stop him from dreaming about it. He knew he looked like shit. After all, he hadn't taken any more meth yet and the first shot had worn off almost as soon as he finished the test before lunch period. He hadn't wanted to shoot up again so soon after the first dose, so he'd opted to come and talk with Motoki for a while. Big mistake.
"Are you dying or something?" Mamoru shot Motoki a glare that he hoped would kill the younger man but, unluckily, it only winded him. "I mean, you can tell me."
"I'm not dying," Mamoru managed to growl out and, of course, was proud of himself for not adding any names at the end. "I was just up all night and I have tests all day."
Motoki peered down at him, looking as though he was trying to decide whether or not to believe the black-haired man. Oh please do! Mamoru couldn't help the thought that invaded his mind. Okay, so there was more than just the one side affect to the meth Mamoru took. So what if it made him cranky and depressed? Right? Right. It didn't matter… and he knew he could never do anything like commit suicide. After all his life wasn't his own. It belonged to his princess…
//I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me//
"You need to get a date," Motoki said, glaring at the fact that Mamoru had, yet again, spaced out. "I mean, all you do is go to school, come here, and go home. That can't be healthy." When Mamoru didn't say anything the other man continued, "I have someone who likes you, you know. She's really cute."
Mamoru smiled gently, a smile that Motoki had never seen before, and said, "That's okay. I have someone waiting for me."
"What?!" Before Motoki even realized that he as going to, he had Mamoru grabbed by the lapels and was holding them so their faces were only an inch apart. "When?! Where?!"
"I met her when I was around fifteen. I remember because it was around that time that I finally got over my drug addiction," Mamoru said, carefully taking Motoki's hands off his lapel. However, it wasn't needed as the other boy dropped them in shock.
"You…" his eyes were wide. "You were addicted to drugs?"
Mamoru shrugged and took another sip of his coffee. "For two years, from thirteen to fifteen; meth was my main thing, though I did the other stuff sometimes too." Motoki stared at the man sitting calmly in front of him in shock. Did he even know the man that he called his best friend? "She's the only thing that's kept me alive these years." His smile became rather self-deprecating. "She's the only reason I do what I do." He trailed off and, for a long moment, they were both silent. Mamoru sighed before looking at his watch and then nodding his goodbye, leaving Motoki to wonder if anyone truly knew who Mamoru Chiba was, even the man himself.
//Have you forgotten all I know
And all we had?//
The dream was different tonight. The princess wasn't standing regally against the backdrop of a moon reflected off the water but was on her knees in a corner, sobbing into her hands. "Princess?" Mamoru called, suddenly scared that something had happened.
Her head whipped up and, for a moment, her face was caught in the moonlight and he gasped at her beauty. "Who's there?" That scared him. That simple question scared him more than anything else ever had in his entire life. She was the only one who knew who he was and she was the only one that made him believe that someday he would find out exactly who and what he had been before the accident. If she forgot…
"Princess, it's me…" he trailed off, not knowing what else to say.
"Prince…" she whispered and then stood up, walking more than a little unsteadily for a moment, until she was standing in front of him, her hand pressed up against the divider. "I forgot, for a moment." Those words froze his heart and he was surprised to find that tears were suddenly coursing down his face.
"You can't… you're the only one who knows… the only one…" He leaned his forehead against the divider. "You just can't."
"Shh…" she whispered, her hand pressed against the barrier by his face, as though trying to cup his cheek. "This means we touched today."
"What?" he tried to lean forward into the caress but the barrier was still there. "What do you mean?"
"Brushed shoulders in a crowd, brushed fingers in the subway, or bumped into each other on our way to school. I don't know exactly but we touched and now… I'm becoming one with her." She shivered slightly and he watched as one silver teardrop slid down her cheek to fall on the ground. "But… this will be the last time I can visit you. It's already begun but, each time we touch, whether accidentally or one purpose, she and I can meld further together. Then, one day, I will begin to give her dreams of her memories and, by then, I know you will have found us."
"You can't leave me," he whispered, the pain in his voice so thick there was really no need for words.
"I'm not leaving. I'm simply waiting." Then she leaned forward as the divider disappeared and kissed his on the lips before she melted away, leaving Mamoru to stare his bedroom ceiling, silent tears making their way down his cheeks to the pillow beneath, the memory of silver eyes the color of moonlight burned forever into him.
//You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand // I knew you loved me then//
Mamoru stared into the cup in front of him, perhaps hoping that the brown sludge known as coffee would have all the answers. He hadn't dreamed about her in three days. That was the longest time he'd gone without her sweet voice and it was driving him mad. She had been the only constant in his life. Even when everything else was going to hell, even when nothing went as it should have, he had known he could fall asleep and she would be there waiting. But now…
This morning he'd been tempted to shoot up a far larger dose and let himself forget about his miseries, but the fear that he might become addicted again had stopped him. His body wasn't use to the sleep he was getting and Mamoru felt more tired than he did when he got only three hours of sleep at night. He groaned and rested his forehead on his hand.
"Mamoru-san…" Mamoru recognized the voice instantly and wanted to curse. He wasn't in the mood to put up with Usagi today and, with his senses dulled, he especially didn't need the klutz attacks that came with her. He turned toward the girl who had seated herself beside him.
"What?" he said, barely able to keep the hostility out of her voice.
"Are you okay? You haven't been acting like yourself…" she said, worry showing clear in her eyes. Goddamn her sky blue eyes. When he took too long to answer she moved closer and, placing her hand on his, asked, "Is everything alright?" Mamoru froze from the warmth that spread up his hand and the memory of lips upon lips over silver eyes came back to him suddenly. "Mamoru-san…" she trailed off again until he turned to her. "Mamoru-kun, I'm worried about you…"
He looked into her sky blues eyes, wishing, hoping, that they would turn silver but nothing happened. He peered more closely, seeing something hidden just behind her eyes and then pulled back and away when he realized that it was. She loved him. This little girl, whom he tortured and was cruel to, loved him like no one other than his princess had.
//I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you//
"I… I…" Mamoru found his vocal chords suddenly lost and he felt panic beginning to rise.
"Mamoru," the simple word, absent of all suffixes, was enough to freeze him in place. "I wish you would open up to me." She took a step closer, looking him straight in the eyes. "I'm here for you, if you let me be."
Mamoru was frozen, trapped in the feelings that were coursing through him. Yes, she was gorgeous and, yes, she was the sweetest person that he had ever met but he couldn't be with her, he was waiting for the princess. He wasn't scared of her though, this fear that was rising up within him wasn't the fear of hurting her but rather, it was the fear that he loved her. He didn't know. Did he love her? As he stared down at her, taking in her petite figure with the long blonde hair and the eyes that put a summer sky to shame, he knew he did… but when? When had he fallen in love with her? How could he have fallen in loved with her if he loved the princess?
He felt like scum, liked he'd just considered cheating on his girlfriend, and with a strangled cry he turned and ran. He loved her. He loved her! How could he love her? He couldn't be with her, though, his life was not his own. He ducked into an alley and took deep breaths, trying to make the trembling that had overtaken his limbs stop. He loved her… he closed his eyes and called forth memories, surprised at how well he remembered exactly what she looked like. "Usako…" he whispered, remembering the look in her eyes as she'd told him that she was there for him.
"Mamo-chan!" he froze as he heard his name called and watched as the girl ran past his hiding place and then around the corner, calling his name. His eyes followed her until he couldn't see her anymore, and then they turned inward as he remembered her.
The anger rose within him suddenly, without warning or time to face it, and in a moment as the fire ate his blood he punched his fist into the brick wall. The pain pushed his anger back down and he slumped to the floor, cradling his bloody hand against his body. "I'm so sorry…" he realized with a shock that he was repeating the phrase over and over again. "So sorry, so sorry. I'm so sorry, so so so sorry." He stood up and then slowly walked away, sparing a glance over his shoulder at the last place she had been at. "I love you, too. I can't be with you though." He took a deep breath and, careful that the blood didn't show, started to walk down the street as he said, "Princess, I will find you. Even if it means sacrificing my love, I will find you."
//I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me//
The dream was back for the first time in three days but it was different. The scene would waver between the broken landscape where the princess slumped weakly against a pillow, to the arcade with Usagi standing strong and proud staring at him with love in her eyes. "Mamoru…" the princess whispered, the first time she had used his name. The image wavered again until he saw Usagi, standing defiantly. "I've been waiting for so long…" the image wavered again until it was the princess.
She turned, her face shadowed by the giant pillar, toward the man. "I'm so tired. I just want to let myself go, but I can't, because I have to find you…" A single tear fell to the ground. "You're the only one who can release what is hidden deep inside her, and then what is deep inside me." She cupped her hands in front of her and a small light filled it. "Do you know what this is?"
Mamoru shook his head, not trusting his voice. It was like love put into a little ball, it was perfect and beautiful and wonderful. Without meaning to, he took a step forward and then stopped, surprised to find that no barrier blocked his way.
"This," she whispered, "Is the most powerful thing in the entire universe. I hold it buried deep within me but only you can release it." Silver eyes shone from the shadows but, for a minute, the strong, clear eyes of Usagi overshadowed them. "Just as I am the key to your memories, so are you the key to mine and the power with which to save the world." She stood up, her face down so that her long hair which hung loose around her, hid her face. "Please, free me…"
He darted forward as she fell and he caught her, her face tucked between his shoulder and neck. He felt something cool and liquid slide down his neck and felt the silent sobs shake her body. He could see her face… his breath hitched in his throat as he gently pulled away and then looked down…
//I look in the mirror and see your face//
Mamoru awoke with a start and stared the empty wall in his bedroom before letting out a scream. It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair! It wasn't FAIR! He pounded the pillow in his anger, wondering what would happen if he just screamed again. He felt the tears sliding down his face and got out of bed with quick angry jerks. He walked outside onto his balcony and held his face in his hands, the tears refusing to stop.
The cool wind wrapped gently around him, as though in a hug, and then even more gently it flew away, leaving him with the impression of soft arms and even softer kisses. He looked up at the moon and whispered, "My Princess, I try so hard. Please, forgive me."
He needed to forget, he needed peace, he needed anything and the only thing that fit that description in his house was the meth. He walked quickly out of his bedroom and down the hallway, until he got to his extra bathroom where he opened the door before. He pulled the stuff out of the drawers, and had just finished prepping the needle when he looked up into the mirror and jumped back with a start. The reflection wasn't his. It was the Princess and, for the first time, he could see her clearly. Then, slowly, her hair wrapped itself into buns and pigtails as it darkened to the color of the sun and her eyes darkened until they were a sky blue. A smile appeared on her face and then she suddenly leaped forward, out of the mirror, and he held his arms out only to have her disappear.
"Princess…" He stepped forward, looking in the mirror which, now, held his reflection before whispering, "Usako?" Then he was gone, only stopping to slip on jeans and tennis shoes before his apartment was once again empty, the only sound the wind as it laughed gently and then went down to meet him on the street.
//If I look deep enough
So many things inside that are// Just like you are taking over//
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IMPORTANT NOTE: For those of you that wish it, DUE TO MY SPORADIC postings, I am offering you, the readers, A MAILING LIST to sign up to. When I finally UPDATE, I will SEND OUT AN EMAIL informing those of you that are on the list that I have finally updated. I need you to EMAIL me, telling that you wish to sign up, and whether it's for ORIGINAL FICTION or FANFICTION. I WILL NOT accept those people that ask to be up on it in a review because I can't be sure that email is real. The mailing list will ALSO OFFER the TITLES of those works that I am posting, the COUPLES (if any) that are in it, which FANDOM it is from, and whether it is a SEQUEL to anything.
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Petra: Yeah... um... it got stange.
Kati: *between peals of laughter* Mamo-baka is a drug addict! Mamo-baka is a drug addict!
Petra: I love Evanescence!
Kati: *still laughing*
Petra: *sigh* Anyways, I hope that no one gets mad that I sort of tone down the fact that drug abuse is bad but, seriously, how does Mamoru get through the day? Also, if anyone wonders why Mamoru doesn't become addicted, he still is, mentally; when stuff isn't going right in his life you'll notice that his first thought is to shoot up. However, he manages to take small doses to keep him awake and, by sheer willpower, he manages not to take too much. If you want to know why he doesn't have the regular effects, just depression and such, he's not human, meaning his body doesn't adapt to things as other people.
Kati: *wipes tears from eyes* Meth is a drug that supposedly is supposed to keep you awake for long amounts of time.
Petra: However, please know that DRUGS ARE BAD!!! I am NOT condoning the use of illegal, harmful drugs. This is a piece of FICTION, meaning that I can bend it to my rules.
Kati: Meaning, that in real life, drugs can mess you up. ESPECIALLY meth, which is an incredibly dangerous drug.
Petra: There you are...
Kati: R&R!
"I dream of a day when I can open my eyes, and my dreams won't disappear."
-Rose Marie Ledam
~Petra Megami Assari~
*The Gentle Tiger Goddess*