After a very, very long hiatus (read like "I got a life, so fan fiction was head to me."), I have returned with chapter three of the Marauder's Prank book. In this chapter we get yet another chapter of the prank book, yet another angry confrontation, and more L/J flirting type deal.

Chapter Three: The Five W's of Pranking. Section Two: The What

The days following the Snape-library incident were strangely (and perhaps dangerously) quiet for the Marauders. For the most part the Slytherins stayed out of their way and James's interactions with Lily were limited to passes made from twenty feet down the hall. She was too far away to care properly and generally surrounded by her friends, so she only rolled her eyes and scoffed at his immaturity.

One week after the completion of the second chapter, Sirius cornered James, Remus and Peter in the Gryffindor common room while they lazed around after a particularly nasty potions class. "Why aren't we working on my book?" he demanded, standing over Remus's chair, leaning menacingly on the two arms. His glare flicked back and forth between the three of them. "Well?"

Before anyone could answer, a snarky second year wolf-whistled at Sirius. "About time you came out of the closet. Give poor Lupin a chance to respond before you jump his bones," he shouted, an evil grin on his face. "Of course all the ladies will be crushed, but then they've still got Potter. Though sometimes I wonder…"

The comment was made in jest, certainly, and James could see that and let it go, but Sirius had been the butt of entirely too many innuendos involving himself and Remus to let it go. He stood up straight, said, "Excuse me for a moment," and strode over to the little prat.

"Look you little git, for the last time – I am NOT IN THE CLOSET!" He shouted the last part and those who had not previously been listening took note now.

"Well of course not," snarked the second year again. "You just announced that."

Sirius let out a growl, similar to that of a large dog, and, with years of practice and natural ability guiding him, jinxed the second year with an adept Bat Bogey hex. Then he replaced the wand back in his pocket and stood in front of the three other Marauders again. Ignoring James's golf clap, Remus's slight blush, and Peter's adoring (and a little frightened) gaze, he said, "Right. So, chapter three? We can work in the library. Hopefully it's quieter there."

James hopped to his feet, summoned his parchment pad and writing supplies and followed Sirius out of the portrait hole, his supplies floating along behind him. Peter followed James and Remus ran ahead of Sirius. "Wait for me," he said with an air of great patience. "You don't know where you're going. Follow me."

Following ten minutes of bickering over which 'W' was to come next, they settled on 'What.' This, they felt, was the next easiest to do.

"Look," James instructed, "we can just explain the levels of pranking. Like, minor jokes like appearance changing and such, then public humiliation, like when we wrote 'Kiss Me, I'm Slimy' on the back of all the Slytherins robes." He paused to reminisce in the glory of this satisfying prank.

"Sounds good," the other three agreed and after ten more minutes of squabbling, it was finally decided that Remus was to be the official writer of the book, considering he had the more legible handwriting out of the four. He wrote out the two that had already been said along with a brief description of each, and then waited for more suggestions.

Sirius tapped a finger to his chin, apparently thinking, a view that was not seen often. "How about…School-wide pranks, like when we mixed up everyone's timetables to say odd classes like 'American and European Sociology through the Media'--"

"Which, I'm telling you is a real class for Muggles. My muggle babysitter was in college, she told me about it. That's where she got the Twilight Zone psycho-chatter," interrupted James.

"And structural pranks" continued Sirius, not skipping a beat or responding to James's comment, "like when we hexed the doors to the Great Hall to insult anyone who walked through them besides us."

Remus took this all down patiently. When he was finished writing and had looked back up again, Peter said, "Hey, I have an idea."

The three looked at him and James said, "Okay, amazing as it is that you and Sirius are finally using your brains, you don't have to announce it every time you have an idea. We're not marking it down for the calendars. You're not that special anymore. Out with it."

Peter's chubby face fell and he continued, much less confidently, "Well, there's always invention pranks. Like the map."

"Good job, Wormtail. Moony, write that down." Remus complied. "Okay, anything--"

"Back in the library again? This must be a record for your little gang, Potter. I'm surprised you could find it again."

James looked up from the table to the owner of this voice, who happened to be about 5'11'', sallow skinned, greasy haired and hook nosed. "Haven't you learned your lesson, Snivelly? What happened the last time you bothered us?"

"If your chum the librarian hadn't walked in just then…"

"What? You'd really have done us in? We're so scared." He stood up and knocked his knees together dramatically. "Look, I'm shaking in my shoes." He flicked his wand at Snape and Snape's legs shook and jiggled rather like jelly. "And look, you're shaking now, too. Frightened, Snivellus?"

Remus continued to write, refusing to look up, but Peter and Sirius laughed loudly, encouraging James. James crossed his arms proudly.

Snape glared and wobbled over to James. "Brave now, huh, Potter? What happens when you haven't got your little friends to back you up?"

"Now Snapey," James mocked. "We're all sorry you haven't got any friends, but it's not our fault no one wants to get close enough to catch your grease. You might want to try a shower now and again. Seems to work for everyone else."

Snape raised his wand threateningly and started to bellow, "SECTUM-"

"NOT IN MY LIBRARY AGAIN! IF I SEE YOU IN THIS LIBRARY AGAIN, YOU WILL ALL HAVE DETENTION FOR A MONTH!" Madam Pince pulled a book out of the shelf next to her and whapped Snape over the head with it. "OUT! OUT! OUT!" she shrieked. The Marauders scrambled up from their chairs before being shooed out of the library, Madam Pince whapping whoever was closest with her book.

"And then you wonder why we don't visit the library," scolded James to an out-of-breath Remus halfway down the hallway. "That woman's mad! Why would anyone voluntarily go in there?"

"They go for the books, Prongs," Remus told him. "And we left ours in there, along with the Prank Book. And we can't exactly go back for them. You heard her, detention for a month."

"When's that ever stopped us before?" asked Sirius.

"You can go ahead," panted Peter. "I don't want to be in detention with her that long."

Fortunately and conveniently for both the Marauders and the author, Lily Evans was on her way to the library that very moment. James saw her coming and ran a hand through his already messy hair. "Oy, Evans!" he called. "C'mere for a sec!"

Lily stopped just short of them, almost to the double doors of the library. "What do you want Potter?" she asked, exasperated. "I have Potions homework."

He gave her a goofy grin, then asked, "Pince threw us out of the library and threatened detention, but we left our stuff. Want to grab them for us? They're in the potions section, not like it's out of your way."

"What makes you think I would want to do anything for you or your friends?" she scoffed.

"Come on, Evans. I'll let you go on a date with me!"

Lily glared. "Whatever you did to get yourselves thrown out of the library is none of my concern." She hugged her books closer to herself then stalked away from the four.

Remus threw a stern look to James then ran after Lily, stopping her just before she actually went into the library. James couldn't hear what he was saying to her, but he assumed that it had something to do with their plight. Finally, they saw Lily throw up one hand and say, exasperatedly, "Fine!" and then stalk into the library. She came out a few moments later with her arms loaded with parchment scraps and James's ink and quills. She pushed this all into Remus's arms and turned on her heel with out another word.

"Aww, Evans! I don't get to give you a thank you kiss?" James called after her. Lily shot a glare at him over her shoulder then continued into the library.

"Why do you always have to make her so angry, Prongs?" Remus asked him, handing over his stuff. "Next time, she won't go back for us, and we'll just have to do without."

James just stuck out his tongue and, over Remus's "Oh, very mature, James," said loudly, "So how'd you get to her to get that stuff for us anyway? She doesn't listen to anyone."

"You'd be surprised what you can accomplish with a little bit of honey," Remus told him matter-of-factly. "You ought to try it sometime."

"You gave her honey?" Peter butted in, his face twisted in confusion.

Remus sighed slightly, not at all surprised that Peter didn't understand the expression. "It's just an expression, Wormtail," he explained. "Have you ever heard 'you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar'? It means I was nice to her, unlike Prongs here."

"I was nice to her!" James protested. "I offered to take her on a date!" Remus rolled his eyes and ignored Peter's second question: "Why would anyone want to catch flies?"

"You know, maybe if you were a little nicer to her, she would speak to you," Remus pointed out. "As in actual real words, not yelling and sarcasm."

"What, like you Moony?" James asked, nearly shouting. "I don't want to be her study partner; I want to go out with her!"

A hurt look passed over Remus's face, but it was only there for a fraction of a moment. "I'm just trying to help. Actually, sometimes I'm surprised of the number of girls that fawn over you and Sirius considering the way you treat them."

"What is that supposed to mean?" asked Sirius. "We treat girls just fine!" He crossed his arms and frowned slightly.

Remus just sighed and shook his head. "Never mind. Forget I said anything." He rubbed absently at his forehead, and then set off down the corridor.

"Hey," James shouted after him, following. "No, what did you mean?" We don't do anything mean to them. And you know Lily secretly loves me and the things I do to her." He stopped just short of crashing in Remus as he whirled around to face him.

"Do you really think she likes it when you act like an arrogant prick? I let it go because I'm your friend and because of all the things you do for me, but James, she's a nice girl and she doesn't deserve to be picked on all the time."

"Lighten up, Moony! She knows it's 'cause I like her." James stared at his friend. Remus was acting so odd today.

"I don't know that she does, actually."

Sirius and Peter, by this time, had caught up to the other two. Sirius gave Remus a weird look, and then said, "What's your problem today, mate? Do you have a thing for Evans too?"

Remus sighed heavily. "Of course not," he said. "She's just a friend of mine. Now, if you don't mind, I am going back to the common room as I have a great deal of homework to catch up on from my time in the hospital wing." He turned around and left the other three there in the hallway, gaping at him.

The next few days were tense for the Marauders. Remus kept his distance and even refused to let them copy homework. This meant that they either had to do it themselves or forgo it all together. Sirius and James took the latter route, while Peter was stuck struggling and had to ask around for help. He finally got up the nerve to ask a nearby Ravenclaw for help, though she had little to say except, "It's in the wrist. Now leave me be. I have a Defense test next week, and I haven't studied near enough yet."

Remus avoided them for almost a day and a half before Sirius and James cornered him after breakfast one morning. They stood in front of him, arms crossed. Remus scowled at them, but let them say whatever it was they needed to say so he could be on his way.

"Now Moony," Sirius began, "we've let you ignore us for almost two days." Remus considered disputing the fact that ignoring them was allowed, but he thought better of it. "We miss our other mate. So you have two choices. You can continue to ignore us, in which case, we can make your like a living hell. As you wrote, pranking Marauders is fine for revenge. Or, if you'd like, you can cut the crap and we can go back to writing our book."

Remus considered this for a moment, genuinely thinking it over. Sirius was right; they could make life hell. They did have the power. Though, Remus thought wryly, life was pretty much already hell, at least once a month. "Fine, he said finally."

"Great!" said Sirius, clapping. "Now, you and Jamesy kiss and make up." A grin spread across his face.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" said James with obvious disgust. "And for the record, I don't like being called 'Jamesy.' Unless it's Lily," he added as she walked by with a group of friends. She scoffed and tossed her hair, and James shouted after her, "You know you love me, Lily-flower! You'll come around."

Remus shook his head slowly but didn't say anything. James would never learn.

Please R&R!