Standard disclaimers apply. Thank you for the nice feedbacks you gave me, they were all wonderful! Here's part 2 ^0^
ILLUMI'S INBOX
part 2 of the Hunter Inbox series
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Happy birthday, son!
To my eldest child,
Allow me to greet you on this very special day. Your elders - namely your mother, your grandfathers, your grandmother (who until now I haven't seen for months...your grandfather said she's died drinking too much rum, but let's not jump to conclusions, shall we?) and I - are very proud of you. You have become a good example for your brothers and for your sister. For twenty-six years you have proven yourself worthy of the name "Zoldick", and we are very happy that until now you haven't ended up with a bullet on your head or a dagger down your throat.
Now, down to business. It has come to my attention that until now, you still have not found a suitable partner. I shall remind you that it really isn't necessary, giving that you refused the part of being my heir (your mother still grieves because of it, but we still decided to let things be). But...it is very peculiar that you are nearing your thirties and you still have not presented anybody to us. We believe that you are just the kind of man who is not interested in such things, but your grandmother presented to us an interesting question...well, before she disappeared anyway. Actually, there's another point she raised, but I suggested that we keep that one to ourselves unless...certain difficulties and misunderstandings may arise. Anyway, I'll ask you the first issue instead:
Illumi...are you gay?
Aah, now don't be upset (though I doubt you actually would be...ah, my own son is a mystery, but that's not so bad - you make the Zoldick's proud!). It is a simple and relative question, and regardless of the answer, I repeat that you are not my heir and it would hardly matter unless you start cross-dressing and parade around town as a drag-queen with your name plastered on your forehead - that I shall not allow regardless of the fact that you'd actually look good in a dress--
--But of course, I shouldn't have said that. For a birthday greeting, this has gone much too long. It is a problem you see. I'm not very fond of talking, but I suppose it's different as far as writing is concerned. Oh well. Just keep this to yourself, okay? Your mother will scratch my mouth off for that last remark if she finds out.
*ahem* Again, happy birthday! From a father to his son, I wish you all the best.
Your father,
Sillva Zoldick
PS
Milluki made a new domain for us. I suggest you change your address with it. It
has a better ring to it, don't you think?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Somebody killed and replaced my father
Ooooohh~~*tackles and glomps Illu* Happy birthday Illumi-kun~!! Ooh, I love birthdays! It's also good too because I love presents! I also love food, birthday goodies...and I love Illumi-kun too~!! *claps happily and sings* Happy birthday to you~~~
Aaw, but it's just awful. How come you didn't tell me this before? I didn't know your birthday is celebrated today! I could've given you a reallyreallyreallyREALLY nice present! Oh, now I feel bad...ah! But I know! Ne ne, come to my place as soon as you can and I'll give you the BEST gift you'll never forget EVER~!! ^.~
Lots of love and kisses and hugs and flowers because it's your birthday,
~ Hisoka
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Happy birthday, Illumi-san!
Hisoka and Killua and Nobunaga-san told me the occasion, so happy birthday! Nobunaga-san knew I think from Machi-san, who knew from Hisoka. Oh well, they just mentioned it, but I thought that wouldn't it be nice if I greet him on his birthday also even if he tried to steal away my best friend a few years ago, so Happy Birthday, Illumi-san! I wish you all the best! Spend your time with your bestest friend and things will go well!!! ^_____________^
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: That...grin! *shudders*
Heh, well, that's Gon for you. He likes birthdays. Of course, that thing about spending your time with your best friend never really penetrated in his head much. We all know Hisoka's your best friend (and I still say you're a freak for that), so yeah, enjoy your day with him, if you know what I mean...*grins*
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: You freak, did you even read what I wrote??
Woops, I forgot that I had more things to say after that! ^0^ Hahaha, forgive me Illumi-kun, I guess I'll just have to make it up to you soon~ (fufufufufufu...)
Yes now, what was I supposed to say? Le'see~~yes, your father. Aaw, I think your daddy's just excited. It's not everyday that your son becomes a year older. Of course, I suppose people would get used to birthdays when their child's already past twenty, but hey, people are weird, right? And you said so yourself, your dad's gone nuts. So yeah, there's your problem, tada! Booyah, I'm so smart! ^.^
I miss you so much come here soooooooon, ne ne Illumi-kun~?
Much hearts and smoochies (aaw, if the flowers are from me you'd treasure
them forever, won't you~?),
~ Hisoka
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I'm forwarding Hisoka's latest messages, and YOU be the judge of
things
Gaah! I think I just lost 10,000 brain cells reading that crap!
*sighs* So what they say is true. When a Zoldick gets a friend, he goes for the stupid ones. But hey, at least Gon's sane.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: i'm_the_danchou@bow_beneath_my_feet.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Oh for cryin' out loud...
Illumi-san, how nice of you to write to me. I understand that you have made it perfectly clear that you only did so because you have no one else to write to (yes, I do understand that Hisoka-san can be quite unbearable sometimes - 'sometimes' being a huge understatement), but nevertheless, I'm honored to help you with your social crisis.
Oh, and yes, before I forget. Happy birthday! Our dear magician came to the group and mentioned the occasion. It goes without saying that he was left hanging down the city bridge soon after that. I suggest you refrain from crossing Machi's path for the time being. She and Hisoka have been having quite a few difficulties lately, and I believe it involves you. Not to worry though, it's not your fault - of course unless beauty nowadays is a crime. *sighs* It's a pity really. Us beautiful people are almost always being persecuted. Take Kurapika for one. He (I swear it's a 'she', but Hisoka insisted *shrugs*) hates me so much because he can't accept the fact that he isn't the best-looking character in Hunter X Hunter. Sure he surpasses Neon Nostrard and the other female characters (don't tell Paku or Machi, okay?), but that's as far as he goes. Bitterness, you know...it's a disease.
But I digress. Back to Hisoka and Machi. I've told you about them back at the hospital, haven't I? Oh, and do allow me to thank you for the gifts. A basket of...Get Well Soon cards were a nice replacement for flowers, though just a single card would've sufficed. You could've just told me you hated flowers, then perhaps you could've saved your energy when you trampled on them on your way because 'you couldn't stand the vile things', according to one of my sources. Oh no, not to worry, you are not being spied on (unless of course you include Hisoka's regular stalking sprees, of which I'm quite sure you've suffered more than once). One of my group members just spotted you on his way across the street. It was pure coincidence, I assure you.
Anyway, this has gone long I'm afraid. Forgive me, but there really isn't any decent conversationalist around this place. They're all too intimidated by me, you see. I'm not sure whether they're afraid of me because of my immense powers or because of my insurmountable beauty. Perhaps both. What do you think, Illumi-san?
Truly,
KURORO
Dear leader of the Geneiryodan
The coolest character EVER
In your face, Kurapika!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Hehe!
Oh wow, you're pathetic! I see that you've just recently erased all the messages from your inbox (and with good reasons too with that clown running around...*looks at the messages*...but then again, he's still poking around, isn't he?), but it looks to me that you'll have to have a general cleaning again, eh? As I've said, your insane boyfriend's still running around chasing after you. Hm...question! Doesn't it bother you that you have to share that psycho with another person? And a GIRL to boot! Talk about an intense rivalry. But hey, like dad said, it really isn't that bad seeing that you can rival any girl off the ramp anyway. =P And don't give me your usual "Oh fuck you Milluki get a job" speech as an excuse because practically everyone you know said the same thing about you. Even our own dad said so, though of course he took it back, but that's only because he's got a screeching car tire for a wife. (tell mama and I'll tell everyone you've been fucking around with a clown)
Oh yeah, why won't you get a new email address anyway? Don'cha like the new domain? I mean, I made it especially for us! 'Course, you might sense the bitterness in my own account, but ah, screw Killua anyway. He'll die eventually with all that goody-goody going around, y'know. Anyway, look at this trick:
O=----- -----=O
O=----- -----=O
Hehe, ain't it neat? I was trying to shape up a computer for myself, a raven for Allu, Mike for Kallu and probably a pink pussycat for Killua (he's such a sweet softy that I'm planning to give his cat a bow too - feh, at least Kallu gets a monster pet). 'Course, certain fonts tend to destroy the effects, but ah! Screw 'em all as well anyway.
Happy freakin' birthday!
-Millu
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: You disgusting pervert!
Oh yeah, deny the obvious. Didn't you just get an invitation for a scheduled sex session? Y'know, it's okay. I mean, I get those things too. 'Course, I go after loose women, but hey, to each his own, eh?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Yuck...
You sound like a prudish elder sister, aniki. You know, I'm not really sure if you're still a virgin, but saying that you are, I suggest you take your loony boyfriend's invitation. I swear it'd do you good. A prude at your age isn't healthy unless you want to prove grandma's point true. (and we both know how disgraceful THAT is. Oh yeah, dad didn't tell you, did he? With good reasons, y'know, keeping it is for your own good. 'Course, pay me and I might consider your freedom to know what you must, hehe.)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: From Karuto
Dear Aniki,
Hello Aniki, I hope you're fine. Mike needs a new pack of pet foods. He likes his humans fat, okay?
Much love,
Karuto-chan
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Do you think Karuto's getting cannibalistic?
Ah, there goes my appetite. Oh well, I'm on a diet anyway. They say "love" has a different meaning to the Zoldick's, Aniki. Karuto loves her pet, she cares crap for humans. Get it? Yech, so much for pork rinds...
Oh yeah. Thanks for the putting that 10,000,000 on my account. It's really nice doing business with you, you know that? Attached is grandma's statement from the latest Family Forum 101. I've been keeping track of them lately ever since you and Killua started acting weird. Hehe, you guys rock.
Attachment: familyforum#65.wav
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: A eunuch!? My family thinks I'm a fucking eunuch!?!?
*gasp* That is SO wrong! You don't need to be a eunuch to gain your powers, you're already good! Don't worry Illumi-kun, I know that you're not a eunuch. I mean, you can't be one. I dreamt of you last night and I'm quite sure that I had loads of fun with you there. I wish we could do that sometime. Maybe when we meet again I'll tell you more about it, ne? ^.~
Illumi, come here soon, okay? *glomps*
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Yo Ani, guess what!
I would just like to thank you for giving Hisoka preoccupied lately. Last time I checked you two were not talking to each other so I almost thought that he might come back looking for Gon again or something. But Hisoka's fine now, he said that you forgave him on your birthday. He said that it was so sweet of you because even if it was supposed to be your day, you're the one who gave him the present. And I agree, that is, if what he said was true. No offense but you and 'sweet' never went well together, you know?
Got my monthly report about the Family Forum from Milluki yesterday. Fortunately, the fat pig said it didn't include me much because you were the main focus of the discussions. So I suppose you missed this month's forum, huh? I wonder what they talked about...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: i'm_the_danchou@bow_beneath_my_feet.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: For Illumi Zoldick
I've been thinking about it. Since there are but a few people who are equal to my powers and beauty, I have decided to make you and I an honorary couple. To back-up my decision, here is a list of the names of people I've been considering:
a. Illumi Zoldick
b. Kurapika
c. Hisoka
d. Pakunoda
e. Neon Nostrard
f. Machi
Kurapika is too temperamental for my taste. As I've mentioned before, he is a bitter child who can't accept the superiority of the people that are far more better than he is. A fight for dominance might hinder the relationship, so to say. Hisoka is insane, and much as a crazy lover might be a good thing, I don't want to be bitten in the wrong places. As for Pakunoda, well, she's dead. Kurapika killed her. Another minus point for Kurapika, by the way. Then there's that Nostrard girl. She'd do fine, but she likes pink. Which leaves you and Machi. Machi is pretty, but you've got nicer hair.
I hope you'll consider the offer. Thank you for your time.
Truly,
KURORO
Dear leader of the Geneiryodan
The coolest character EVER
In your face, Kurapika!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Illu-chan, Kuroro's fighting with me!!! 0
Illu-chan, you love me, right? You love me more than Kuroro because we've known each other for almost 10 years now, right? And Kuroro is a sick ass who resembles a corpse, right? Waaahh, Illu-chan, that bastard told me that you two are going to be an item! I know it isn't true, just as I know that you're not a eunuch because we love each other and we know each other very well, ne?
For the record, I'm better than him in bed. Consider the thought, okay? I love you~!!! *smoochies*
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I'm desperate. Can you be my friend?
..........are you sure you got the right address?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Would it help if I say that I'm really REALLY desperate?
Oh, right! You're with Hisoka, aren't you. I totally forgot that, sorry. Well, I have nothing to give you right now since we never really had much interaction before. Technically, aside from being Killua's brother, you're a stranger.
But speaking of Hisoka, I might have something for you. It's something like that of what Hisoka sent me last time, kind of a horror really, but boredom is a productive thing, so I revised some things. Besides, with a companion like Hisoka, it might be of help to you some time in the future. Good luck!
Attachment: 101_interesting_things_you_can_do_if_you're_boyfriend_is_a_psychopath_and_there's_a_brown-out_and_you're a~ll_alone.txt
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: What the fuck is this crap??
That's a gift I gave Kurapika so he and his boyfriend-in-denial would have a bit of fun together. Hm...I see that he revised it. I knew that kid had it in him. But wait a second...
Ooooohh!!! I knew you'll choose me! *glomps* Hahaha, lick my ass Kuroro!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: i'm_the_danchou@bow_beneath_my_feet.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Are you ill, Illumi-san?
I think I've made myself perfectly clear, so I assume that the only person who would refuse my offer would either be mad or under the influence of hypnotism or a love potion. Hisoka is a henka, but perhaps he learned the art someplace else. I'll come for you next thing in the morning and we'll have you checked.
Truly,
KURORO
Dear leader of the Geneiryodan
The coolest character EVER
In your face, Kurapika!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: You're all lunatics!!!
That's what you get for not using our family's domain.
Besides, I told you to get a haircut, but did you listen? Not many people believe in my inner genius.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I love you, you're my only hope...
Dear Aniki,
Aniki, I missed you too. I'm fine. Mike-chan had killed 5 probable suitors-to-be just yesterday. I don't understand why I have to have an arranged marriage at this age. Mother is still looking for the young men, but she'll forget them later on. Yes, humans are pathetic and dumb. I don't understand why we even have to mingle with them. Our race should just concur everyone and have them as our slaves. When I grow up, I'll tell father.
Oh yes. I have to tell you something, by the way. I'm a member of the Geneiryodan now. Father approved, he said it'll add to my experience. I'll be meeting the leader of the group later. Kuroro, I think. Would you like to come?
Much love,
Karuto-chan
A/N: Wahahahaha! That's it for part 2. You might notice that I absolutely worship Illumi so. Also, there is not enough KuroIllu out there, so things kind of got hell-bent with Kuroro ^^; Yeah, I don't believe in KuroKura, Kuroro's evil, you see. He goes better with Illumi, mwahahaha! *gets maimed with kitchen utensils* I'm planning to convert to KuroIllu for about a month or so to generate fanfics for that pair, then convert back to HisoIllu by the time Hisoka starts shoving raw cuttlefish down my throat in my dreams or something. Oh to hell with it all.
Chapter 9 of Games is done (just in case I get barraged with questions about it), I'll just edit it a bit more because I always fall asleep around the middle part. Either chapter 9 isn't good or doing a thesis proposal and an investigatory paper while grammar and spell checking your fanfic isn't good. According to Frontpage, there is no such word as "investigatory", but to hell with that, that's the title of what I'm doing XP