Standard disclaimers apply here.

Not an original idea. Originality credits go to Mary Lou () and her Harry Potter comedy fanfic, Hogwarts Got Email ^.^ Yeah, it was slash (nothing's worth reading in HP without Draco anyway --how shallow ^^;), so since that's my inspiration, it goes without saying that this will be yaoi. Just thought I should warn you =P

HISOKA'S INBOX
part 1 of the Hunter Inbox series

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: 1001 interesting things you can do if you're boyfriend is a doctor and there's a brown-out and you're a~ll alone...

First of all, ever heard of cutting your subjects short? They're not called subjects for nothing.

Second, I do not know WHY you even sent me this disturbing email, and I think I do not wish to know. The mind of an eccentric is difficult to understand. Especially yours. You're one to put those people in mental asylums to shame.

May the spirits bless you, Hisoka. You need all the help you can get.

-- Kurapika

PS
Item #578 is NOT physically possible.

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: #578 - It IS possible! (attachment)

Oh holy ancestors of Kuruta...my virgin eyes...!!! Damn it, Hisoka, just what the hell do you think you're...ugh!!!

Oh no. Gon just came. He SAW you worthless piece of scum! Gon's but a child! For goodness' sake, I am but a child! You're going to be DEAD even before you can sleep tonight, clown.

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From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: you sick psycho!!!

Gon came to me last night. He couldn't sleep because he's having "dark, awful and very much disturbing nightmares". You've been sending him those perverted messages again, haven't you!? You sick, SICK one-man-circus! Leave Gon alone or else!

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From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Like you can do anything...

Don't underestimate me, Hisoka. I may be so much younger from you, but I can inflict major damage.

How?

One word: Aniki

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I MISS YOU~!!!

You idiot!! I told you to stop sending these types of messages to me! As I have told you before, I don't have my own computer and I merely ask to borrow Milluki's whenever I need to use one. That boy never leaves his computers alone, so it goes without saying that he's looming over my back, checking every once in a while if I'm treating his "babies" well.

*reads the message over and over again* I can't believe you wrote this. I just came to the conclusion that you're truly sick, Hisoka. You're a pathetic sap and I really would like to know why I even put up with you.

Signed,
I. Zoldick

PS
Hisoka...Machi?

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I MISS YOU~!!!

*glares menacingly* You are SO dead, clown. I understand that that Zoldick guy was pretty cute, but you don't have to push it to my face! Besides, like I really care. If this is your way of making me jealous, it is SO not working.

I will never speak to you again!

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Oh shite...

^.^

Aah, so you that was why I got my mail addressed to Machi. Yes, "Oh shite..." is definitely right. Have I ever told you that you can be pretty dumb sometimes? How's your little girlfriend coping? Hm...just a few days ago, Killua wrote to me asking for a favor I'm now starting to reconsider.

But no, Hisoka, much as the image of you "begging for forgiveness while crawling down on knees across a field of burning embers" seemed like a good thought, I'm not going to be so cruel as to punish you like that. And...I never thought you're the poetic type. You do realize that I found that piece of information utterly creepy, right?

Anyway, that doesn't change the fact that you need to earn my forgiveness. How about you just be my slave for a whole week? >=P

Signed,
I. Zoldick

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Aw, come on...sure he's hot, but you're hot too!!!

*looks at above title and twitches*

*readies her nen threads*

Kill...

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From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: It wasn't me! It was Kurapika!!!

Yeah right, like I'd believe that. Kurapika would never look at such things, he's too conservative for that. As if. Kurapika seeing porn, what a laugh, hahaha--

o.O??

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: I'm going to KILL YOU!!!

How DARE you even mention such a thing to Killua!?!? Don't you realize that I have a reputation to uphold!?!?!?!?!?!? Gon and Killua...*seethes in place* If Leorio finds out you're going to wish you're in Hell, you demented lunatic!

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From: i'm_the_danchou@bow_beneath_my_feet.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: About Machi

A recent incident has to come to my attention and I must say, I'm terribly disturbed. Allow me to tell you a story. This morning, a nice old lady came strolling by the the main road of the city and wanted to get to the other side. But her aged legs cannot endure the speeding cars, so she looked around to see if there's anybody in close proximity to ask for help from. And lo! Who else did she see but our beloved Machi?

So the nice old lady approached the young girl with the pretty blue hair and asked, "My dear, would you please help a nice old lady cross the road?" Machi, seemingly in the midst of cursing the small pebble beneath her feet, stared at the nice old lady, obviously still not in her proper mental composure, and shrugged indifferently and said, "Ah, whatever." And so, the nice old lady had a "sweet", young, blue-haired lass help her across.

Now, one weak human in the verge of decomposing is all right, but after Machi's little escapade, pedestrians must've though that she's some stupid girl scout and started asking for her help as well. Apparently, our dear one had nothing else to do and being that she's not in the mood to roll her eyes at humanity, she simply allowed herself to be passed around like some commercial sign-post with the words, "Let me help spread peace on Earth" plastered on her forehead.

Do you realize the fatal implications this may cause the group? If my point isn't obvious to you yet, I have no idea what kind of righteous mind you have. A Geneiryodan! Helping society! I will have none of it, do you hear!?

Make up with Machi or else.

Signed,

KURORO
Dear leader of the Geneiryodan
The coolest character EVER
In your face, Kurapika!

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: ;_;

What the hell did I do to you now? Hisoka, I swear, stop sending me these love letters or I'm really going to snap a needle down your spine.

And no, I do not like flowers. And please stop it with the poetry. You're seriously starting to scare me.

Also, forget about the slave thing. Like I'm stupid enough to live under the same roof as you. I may be an assassin, but I regard myself as an innocent when it comes to matters concerning you. And besides, you actually sounded so happy about it that it isn't considered a punishment anymore. Damn pervert.

Signed,
I. Zoldick

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Look at what Illumi-san sent me

I've known sea slugs having more dignity than you! The nice old lady was right. I deserve so much more while you deserve to be tied on a railroad track!

Attached file: ithinkthisoneisformachisan.txt

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From: i'm_the_danchou@bow_beneath_my_feet.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: About Machi

Now she's off stealing for fun. She actually doesn't care about what she steals that the items end up scattered around the city. People think a miracle is happening and the parishes are as full as ever.

She's actually helping Catholicism! For cryin' out loud, what does the inverted cross on my beautiful forehead stand for anyway!?!?!?

Signed,

KURORO
Geneiryodan leader
The coolest character EVER
In your face, Kurapika!

=====

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: *suspicious glare*

Kurapika, Gon and Killua are all suffering from the same illnesses. They've developed insomnia since a few days ago and can't seem to close their eyes without shuddering about something. I tried asking them, but the only coherent word I got from them was: "Hisoka"

Have you been harassing them again?

- Leorio

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Serves them right!

Nobody, NOBODY deserves to suffer! Put that inside that thick skull of yours, sadist! And what do you mean that Illumi hates you because of Killua? Look, Killua would never attack you if you didn't do anything to initiate the action.

Think about it and 'fess up. What did you do to them!?

- Leorio

PS
You and Illumi are an item? I thought that was just some sick joke the judges pulled off at the Hunter Exam o.O!!! I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks...

=====

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Don't be stupid, I just had Illumi on my bed a few months ago!

*pales*

I know I'm a bit of a pervert - or so Kurapika accuses - but damn...

Does "too much information" ring a bell to you, sicko??

=====

From: [email protected]
To: GeneiRyodan@spider_group.com
Subject: About Danchou

Dear Fellow Spiders,

17:58, Friday, October 24th, our dear danchou was admitted to St. Joseph's Hospital due to an unfortunate incident that happened on the very same day. It seems as though our leader casually walked along a sidewalk across a cathedral and got mobbed by a bunch of Church loyalists who demanded that he take away all that is "evil" in him. 40 civilians were admitted to the same hospital; a result of danchou trying to defend himself (isn't he great?). But these people were possessed, Coltopi and I saw them, and they were all but tearing at his forehead.

Danchou is alive, but he wishes to send his curses to Hisoka. I quote: "Curse you for clouding Machi's mind. Don't you dare go to Hell in death lest you want extra treatment from me. Let the other side deal with you."

One with you all,
Shalnark

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From: [email protected]
To: GeneiRyodan@spider_group.com
Subject: Re: Oh, so now we're the musketeers too?

Oh haha, Hisoka-san.

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Everybody hates me...

You're but a poor, poor soul, Hisoka. And with all due respect, what kind of stupid deity would possess you to accuse me of breaking up with you? You idiot, we're not even an item to begin with! Have you been mistaking your messages for Machi with me again or are you doing this to deliberately piss me off?

I just heard that Killua's sick. Also, Kuroro's in a hospital named after a saint. He now wants me to bring him flowers just for the hell of it. I hate flowers. Wonderful. Next thing you know Milluki's off to dance the Swan Lake in a pink tutu.

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Noo!!! You and Kuroro?!?!?

*twitch* You pervert, of course not!

But since you're interested, yes, I find Kuroro far more companionable than you.

=====

From: [email protected]
To: GeneiRyodan@spider_group.com
Subject: Re: I'm gonna kill danchou, but it's not my fault, okay?

".........."

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: How's about a few extra cash?

Mister, I'm a ZOLDICK. We hold one of the biggest collection of wealth in the world and you're offering me a few digits?? Aniki will kill me if I so much as touch a tutu. And besides, if you want anybody to cross-dress, ask him for God's sakes. He passes off as a woman any time he wishes to for cryin' out loud!

Been hacking through Aniki's inbox. Gawd, I can't believe you both haven't figured it out yet. Blockheads. Anyway, mama's going to throw a fit if she finds out what you two have been up to...*grins*

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: You suck

*Big* time.

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I suck all right, but I'll be happier if the sucking has you involved

--!!!

You...you--PERVERT!!! You and Milluki are going to die and just TRY and guess whose fault it is...!!!

*shudders* Oh damn...I feel like a bunch of worms are crawling up my leg. *shudders again* Shit, I won't be able to sleep for days...

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From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Now Leorio's sick too...

Oh, you are in SO much trouble!

You can't say I didn't warn you...this goes for Gon and Kurapika, too. Hail the genius minds of ye, a Zoldick!

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Fw: Don't be stupid, I just had Illumi on my bed a few months ago!

Technology is a wonder, no? You'd think the disgusting joke you sent to me last time was enough but no. It merely took my brother a button for him to send such an outrage to me, and might I add, I could've lived not knowing exactly what was inside of this particular message.

*twitch* Explain this monstrosity in 10 words or less before I go over there and personally cut your head off. And if you ask me something as stupid as "which head?" I'm going to personally make sure to cut them both.

=====

From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: I hate you...

Yeah, I hate you too. Isn't that just peachy? ^____________________^

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From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Illumi-san hates me now! 0

Psh, come on, Illumi hates everything! He hates me, he hates Milluki, he hates Gon, he hates sushi, he hates hotdogs, he hates vegetables, he hates rats, he hates cute and fluffy things, he hates sunny weather, he hates flowers most especially...

Ehh, you get the point, ne? =^o^=

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From: killua@kukulumt_sucks.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Machi and Illumi...maybe I should just jump off a jagged cliff...

What a friggin' two-timer.

Anyway, I think it's a good idea. You know, give the world a break! It deserves a bit of sanity and peace every once in a while, right?

Why do you confide these problems to me anyway? I'm not your guidance counselor, and I'm quite sure I'm not because I heard you pushed your childhood adviser off the building because she tried taking away the strawberry lollipop out of your mouth during class hours.

What a freak. I mean, why strawberry if there's chocolate?

Hm...that's it as far as Hisoka-san's inbox is concerned. There is no obvious conclusion really, but who ever said that Hisoka's life was meant to have happy endings anyway? ^^ It would be so much fun trying to get into his outbox just to see those messages, but I can't seem to get inside that folder...*sighs*

Feedbacks would be wonderful! I mean, I didn't risk my own neck getting this for nothing =P