Author's Note: Thank you to Mandi, as always, for being a wonderful beta and not hugging Scott and Oliver and Will to death after this. I feel sorry for your clones because you must have seen them before you got a hold of mine!
The narrator of this is Rocky. Yes, Rocky. There is a reason why and no, it's not because he's in love with Jason.
And this is where I will be running away and hiding from all the people who wanted a happy ending...
Edited to add: Another songfic where the lyrcis have been removed. The song it was is listed above.
Shades of Gray
He looks like he's at peace now. Fuck, I hope he is. I know I've done wrong by him in the past. Hell I've handled a lot of stuff recently pretty badly, but maybe, at least a bit, I can make it up to him. It feels awful, knowing he's forgiven me anyway; even gone so far as to tell me there's nothing to forgive.
I don't know whether I just want this to be over or not. I want him to be free of all this, he's had to deal with too much pain for so long, but that means losing him again.
I don't want to lose him again.
It's funny, he was gone seven years and I managed to convince myself I didn't miss him, that I hated him for what he did to Tommy. We all did. I can't help but think he might have planned that somehow, for Tommy's benefit. I know it wasn't for his.
The first thing he did, after he regained consciousness, after I told him off, was tell me how much he had missed me, had missed all of us. Bastard. He couldn't be just the least bit angry? Couldn't he just blame someone else for a change?
At first I thought he was in denial but as far as Jason is concerned that is just a river in Egypt. He knows he's dying, he knows it's going to be painful; he knows some bridges won't be mended before he leaves us again. He knows it and he accepts, it even if he doesn't enjoy it.
I know he didn't enjoy the confrontation with Tommy. That cost him a lot. It cost me something too. Trey is going to take him away now. I don't want him to. I know I messed up but... I want to be able to make it up to him. These past few days haven't been enough to do that. If Trey takes him away I won't even get the chance.
Trey is half dozing right now, sitting next to Jason's bed. I know if Jason's condition changes even slightly he'll be wide awake. Trey is exhausted but he's still almost scarily attuned to Jason. I don't think he's left Jason side since the... incident with Tommy.
I offered to spell him for awhile but he shot that notion down without even saying a word. I don't think I've ever had daggers that sharp thrown at me before. He doesn't trust me. I'm not sure he ever will again, or at least not when it comes to Jason.
The man himself is sleeping. Well, not sleeping. He never just sleeps anymore. He's just so drugged he couldn't be awake even if he wanted to be.
Today was bad. It's starting to make me want Trey to take him away. Not because I'm in a hurry to lose him again but because if Jason were on Triforia they'd be able to do more for him. They'd be able to really stop the pain without sending him into this sham of sleep.
If I hadn't been so stupid...
But I was and the person who has to suffer the most for my mistake is Jason. His nervous system is going haywire now. Even the touch of the sheets against his skin can be painful for him at times. Trey had to drug him this time to keep him from going into convulsions because of the pain. He's just too weak to fight it anymore.
God, I can't help but wonder what's going to happen next.
The only reason he's here now, other than my stupidness, is because he wanted to check on us, make sure we were all doing okay before he left. If I hadn't happened to be in the right place at the right time I would have missed him entirely, and he would be safe on Triforia right now. If his sense of balance hadn't been shot already at that point I wouldn't have caught up with him.
Even still, hanging on to my out-of-place anger as I was, I felt my heart skip a beat when I found him sprawled on the path, disoriented and only semi-conscious.
I had been about to call an ambulance when Trey appeared. He told me what was going on after we had taken Jason to my home. He was groggy but he told me he was glad to see me, bowed to my selfish wishes because he felt guilty.
I didn't really believe it when Trey told me he was dying. It took some convincing but when I did believe it I did the dumbest thing possible. I demanded that Jason stay at least until he had contacted all the former Rangers, all his former friends. I guilted him into it but set the condition of not even letting Tommy know he was there. That was all he wanted.
Trey was entirely opposed to the idea. He wanted to take Jason to Triforia then and there.
I should have let him. As it was, he insisted on being at least in the house whenever someone other than me was there. He had to be there a lot anyway; even then Jason was dependant on the drugs Trey brought from Triforia to keep his body from just shutting down completely.
I'm glad of his instance now. Jason was weak then, getting him upset just made him sicker and most of visits upset him. Another thing I should have known. That's becoming my favourite expression.
Some of the people who should be helping him through this are not. I mean, I wouldn't have asked Kat if I'd known she was still angry. She upset him, then took stabs at me and Trey about harbouring him, and wasn't the least bit apologetic about it either.
I know she felt hurt for Tommy when Jason left but still...
Jason was a mess afterwards. He wouldn't show it in front of her but after she left, I realized just how much damage getting upset could do to him. Trey was prepared but it still took us about an hour and a lot of heavy drugs to get him settled again.
It wouldn't be the first time a "friend" left him like that. Tanya reacted just like Kat.
Kim... it was more difficult with her because she didn't want to upset him. She was still angry on Tommy's behalf; they have so much history together that it's understandable. But she still loved Jason, she had watched his relationship with Billy from the very beginning after all, and she at least understood why he did what he did.
She felt guilty about being mad at him, about not even attempting to contact him for all the time he'd been gone. Somehow all her guilt was brought up during her visit and she was so upset about everything it got him upset and with that comes the pain...
He held out until she left, then he went on a downward spiral that left him drugged to his eyeballs for two days because if he wasn't drugged he was nearly screaming in pain. God that was a nightmare.
Then Trey still trusted me enough to watch over him while he went back to do his duties on Triforia. Now he's put everything on hold to make sure Jason is alright but then he wasn't here constantly.
I watched over him after Kat had left, the first time we had to drug him unconscious to stop the pain, and after Tanya and Kim left too. He looked troubled, even floating in a drug induced stupor as he was.
I should have known then what I was planning to do was stupid but I didn't. I thought it would help them both. I thought they could heal things between them, you know? I thought it would be good for them.
I was wrong.
It's my fault he's like this. The one thing he asked for was to keep Tommy away. He knew it was too late to solve anything between them. He just wanted to let is end as it was. Tommy was happy with his new boyfriend; he didn't need their past to be dragged up again.
And he knew he couldn't deal with it. He missed Tommy. It hurt him to leave as much as it hurt Tommy to have him leave. He lost his best friend that day, the only person I know of who managed to get through his grief for even a little while, and when he left he lost all of us too.
I didn't want them to take those hurts to the grave.
The only thing I can say in my defence is that I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't know Tommy would react like that. I would never, ever, had let him near Jason had I known.
Jason had been fragile as it was that day. I didn't know as much as Trey but I knew it was a bad day for him. I knew if he got too upset it would spell disaster but I thought they could put it behind them.
Tommy knew Jason was sick, dying even. I told him he had to be gentle, that Jason was frail now, that he couldn't take too much. Even talking could exhaust him sometimes. I thought Tommy would listen to that, that he would take this chance to help them both.
I did not expect Tommy to go in there with an agenda to get every past hurt out in the open and basically rip Jason to shreds. Yeah, okay, I knew that there would be some tense moments between them but I did not know Tommy was that resentful, that he still harboured so much anger. I mean, he has been happy since Jason left. He has found someone who he can love who loves him. He should not have wanted some screwed up version of revenge from Jason.
It didn't take long for things to come to a head. Jason was surprised, upset and couldn't get a word in edgewise around Tommy's ranting. And then Tommy grabbed his arm.
Jason's nervous system had been on the verge of collapse. Trey had only just been able to keep it stable until that point. That rough touch had done it in.
Jason didn't cry out, only gave a soft wail as he began to seize, so lost in the pain I doubt he even realized who he was anymore. Trey teleported in a moment later, livid upon taking in the scene, and had quite literally tossed Tommy out the door.
While he was... dealing with Tommy I was left alone with Jason. Thank God it didn't take Trey long. I fumbled to give him the pain medication Trey had left with me but I just made it worse by touching him to try and still him.
Trey was still seething when he rushed back into the room but instead of taking his anger out on me, which must have been tempting, he went to Jason. He managed to administer the pain medication quicker and more efficiently than I ever would have. He drugged him as much as he could, leaving Jason so out of it he couldn't see straight but stopping the pain and the seizures.
He carried Jason into the washroom, leaving me to clean up the mess in the bedroom without a word between us. Jason had thrown up several times and... soiled himself during the seizures.
I finished changing the sheets before Trey had finished tending to Jason. He wasn't really aware of what was going on while Trey bathed him and by the time he was back in bed he had fallen deeply into a drug induced slumber.
It was only after Jason was safely tucked in bed, laying in the fake peace of an artificial slumber, that Trey turned on me. Not even my mother has been able to make me feel that horrible. If he could have taken Jason away that instant he would have but Jason was too weak to travel. Trying to take him to Triforia, by ship or teleportation, would have killed him.
As soon as he gets a little stronger though, Trey is taking him away. I'm not going to try and stop him this time. Jason deserves all the peace he can get and I don't think he'll find it here.
It's almost time for Trey to take him away. I feel like balling but I won't because I don't want to upset him. God, I wish this all hadn't happened.
That's not to say there haven't been a few good moments in the past few weeks he's stayed here. In the beginning, he was only here because I had been the one who found him but it really is the best place for him, or would have been if I wasn't so stupid.
Zack and Trini would have taken him in in a heartbeat but they have their children to look after and Jason wouldn't have been able to rest as much as he needed to there. Adam hasn't been bad around him, he isn't mad anymore, he's been supportive, but he just doesn't know what to say. Death scares him, especially when it's like this.
Me, well, if I hadn't made those mistakes this could've worked out better. I mean, once we put our differences aside we became really good friends. We talked a lot when he was strong enough. I tried to let him know how much I'll miss him when he leaves us again, I think he understands that he's family to me, that he always will be no matter what bonehead mistakes I've made in the past.
And some of the reconnecting he has done had been good for him. Especially with Trini and Zack. He had meant to connect them eons ago, wanted to, he's told me and he did get that chance. They came by whenever they were able.
I'd peak in to give him his medications sometimes and find him sandwiched between them. Curled up between his family, the people who knew him when he was at his best, when he still had Billy, he actually looked happy for a few moments. He confessed to me once during a talk we had that sometimes he just wanted to be held again, not in a romantic way but just comforted, loved, like he used to be.
They gave him that again. I think when he's aware he knows it and remembers what he was, what life was for him, before he lost Billy. I think that's why he looks so settled, so at peace, when he's not completely out of it.
Like he is now. He's stronger, strong enough to be moved, but he's not really there at the moment. Trey knows it, he looks grim. I don't think Jason will last much longer no matter where he is. I'm hoping it'll be less painful for him on Triforia.
He's bundled up in blankets, and we've decided that the safest way to move him is by teleportation. His body is more used to that than space travel anyway.
And I'm crying as I try and say goodbye even though I don't know if he can hear me. Trey has told me I can come visit, he's extended the same invitation to Trini, Zack, Adam and Kim. We're not going to abandon him but I have a feeling he's not going to be aware of that for much longer. He's slipping and we can't do anything about it.
I touch his cheek before he goes and he rouses out of his drifting long enough to look confused and then smile just a little at me. I'm babbling that I'm sorry for everything, for nothing, I'm not even sure I know anymore. He tells me it's okay, it's forgiven and asks if I think I can forgive him.
I couldn't say no if I wanted to. I say yes and goodbye and that I'll miss him, that he's my brother, that I love him and I try to stop my tears because upsetting him is the last thing I want to do. I don't know how much he notices them because he whispered me too and fades out again, lost half in the drugs and half in his deterioration.
Then Trey takes him away and I'm left wondering if I'll ever see him again.
Tommy didn't try contacting him again. I think he'll come to regret not making peace with his once lover, once best friend. I know he will. I just hope it doesn't hurt him too badly. Jason wouldn't have wanted that despite the pain they caused each other.
Trini and Zack had been to see him on Triforia but I hadn't. They told me he wasn't really there anyway. That he wasn't in any pain anymore but that he could barely lift his eyes open enough to see them one last time.
None of us were with him when he died. Trey was. Trey didn't leave his side for the final three days, and I take some comfort in knowing he wasn't alone, even if he wasn't really there to know he wasn't.
We're burying him here, next to Billy, in a few days. We have to wait first because he has to go through some rites on Triforia first, or his body does. Apparently they thought him a bit of a hero there, for saving their prince, going to be king as soon as the funeral is over. I think Trey would have liked to have him buried there but he belongs here, with us, beside Billy.
I just hope they've found each other in whatever comes next too.