This takes place just after Jon names Alanna his Champion.
*~*
Finally alone, Alanna let the tears flow freely down her face, mourning for Jon one last time. Yes, she was glad it was done; yes, the right thing had indeed happened. This she knew.
She was catapulted back in time, back to her squire days. She saw herself by the River Drell, and Myles walking into the tent to a red-faced Squire Alan and Sir Jon just after their first kiss; she saw them sitting alone together in the courtyard under the light of the full moon on the night that made her realize the perhaps she could love.
"I'm scared, Jon," she heard herself say. And he had opened himself to her, opened his arms and let her fall in. She closed her eyes in sweet memory; the freedom, the enormity of the world held in his sapphire eyes, and the joy in her heart as he softly kissed her lips rushed around her in a torrent.
And now he had Thayet. The sketch she had unearthed she had laughed at and teased him with, this was true, but underneath it all, she had hurt. Her heart had caved in with a horrific realization, one that had not come until that moment: Jon was no longer hers.
It welled up inside of her like a cold brick. She loved Jon like no one in the world, with a kind of love she couldn't begin to describe or herself understand. He had but one fault, thrust upon him not by his own hand, but by the hand of his heritage: Jon had to be King. Alanna hated that crown, hated the thought and image of Jon, her Jon, wearing it. She loved everything below the crown more that she could take it.
A soft knock came at the door. Alanna cleared her throat and said as normally as possible, "One minute, just one minute!" She stood quickly and splashed her face with the water left in the basin from her bath earlier that night and then checked the mirror. Her face was red, her eyes were bloodshot. With a frustrated sigh she focused on her gift, bringing down the coloration to normal.
"Ok, come on -" she stopped in the middle of turning. In the doorway stood a figure, dark against the candlelit corridor, still dressed in formal attire from the evening.
"Alanna," Jon said softly.
"Hi," she whispered. They stood in silence for a moment, then Alanna snapped to action. "Come on in," she offered. "Do you want some water? Uh, I have biscuits here somewhere."
"Alanna," he said again, stepping into the room and closing the door with a soft click. "I want to apologize."
"For what?" she said as innocently as she could. It was no use, and she knew it; no one but Jon would see through her mask, but he would take no notice of it.
"Look," she said with a sigh. "It wouldn't work. Let's not do this again, alright? Thayet is. a great person. She would be a great queen. And wife. So that's that, isn't it?"
"No," Jon said plainly. He stepped closer, then paused, then cursed softly under his breath. "Alanna, I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend. Thayet is - beautiful. And royal. But she's not my Lioness." He looked hard into her violet eyes, and she was rooted to the spot. "No one knows me like you do, Alanna. I don't want anyone to. What I feel for you. Gods, it can't be for anyone else. I love you, like, like.I don't know what like!" Alanna felt a tear run down her face.
"I love you, too, Jon, I really do. But I can't - I mean it, I can't - be your queen. I can't be anyone's queen! You know I would just make a mess of everything."
"Of I could give up my crown for you."
"Shh," she silenced him. "I know. If I could change it, you know I would. But neither of us can, so let's not talk about the impossible. Tortall needs you." Jon wiped the tear from her cheek, then let his hand rest of her face. She cupped hers over it and their fingers fell together.
"Just let me hold you once more," he asked, voice barely more than a whisper. "Once more. Then I can - do what I have to."
"Marry Thayet," Alanna offered.
"Don't," he begged, seeing finally the light. "Alanna, I don't love Thayet. I like her fine, but. I would marry her, I will marry her, because I have to. I'll love her with time, but not like this." He gave a sad little smile. "It's her or Josianne, you know." Alanna laughed softly. He ran his hand over her hair, forcing her to look up at him.
"I love you, Jon. You know that. I always will."
"I can't. go without you," he stammered. His voice was clogged with raw emotion.
"You won't ever be without me!" Alanna cried. "I'll always be right here." She kissed his palm gently. "This isn't goodbye. This is. this is what it has to be. You know that, too." He nodded, then pulled her close. She felt him tremble against her and smoothed a hand down his back.
"We'll always be together," she promised.
"Till death do us part?" Jon quoted wryly.
Alanna laughed softly again. "It'll take a lot more than death, Jon." He squeezed her.
"That's my Lioness," he said through tears.
*~*
Finally alone, Alanna let the tears flow freely down her face, mourning for Jon one last time. Yes, she was glad it was done; yes, the right thing had indeed happened. This she knew.
She was catapulted back in time, back to her squire days. She saw herself by the River Drell, and Myles walking into the tent to a red-faced Squire Alan and Sir Jon just after their first kiss; she saw them sitting alone together in the courtyard under the light of the full moon on the night that made her realize the perhaps she could love.
"I'm scared, Jon," she heard herself say. And he had opened himself to her, opened his arms and let her fall in. She closed her eyes in sweet memory; the freedom, the enormity of the world held in his sapphire eyes, and the joy in her heart as he softly kissed her lips rushed around her in a torrent.
And now he had Thayet. The sketch she had unearthed she had laughed at and teased him with, this was true, but underneath it all, she had hurt. Her heart had caved in with a horrific realization, one that had not come until that moment: Jon was no longer hers.
It welled up inside of her like a cold brick. She loved Jon like no one in the world, with a kind of love she couldn't begin to describe or herself understand. He had but one fault, thrust upon him not by his own hand, but by the hand of his heritage: Jon had to be King. Alanna hated that crown, hated the thought and image of Jon, her Jon, wearing it. She loved everything below the crown more that she could take it.
A soft knock came at the door. Alanna cleared her throat and said as normally as possible, "One minute, just one minute!" She stood quickly and splashed her face with the water left in the basin from her bath earlier that night and then checked the mirror. Her face was red, her eyes were bloodshot. With a frustrated sigh she focused on her gift, bringing down the coloration to normal.
"Ok, come on -" she stopped in the middle of turning. In the doorway stood a figure, dark against the candlelit corridor, still dressed in formal attire from the evening.
"Alanna," Jon said softly.
"Hi," she whispered. They stood in silence for a moment, then Alanna snapped to action. "Come on in," she offered. "Do you want some water? Uh, I have biscuits here somewhere."
"Alanna," he said again, stepping into the room and closing the door with a soft click. "I want to apologize."
"For what?" she said as innocently as she could. It was no use, and she knew it; no one but Jon would see through her mask, but he would take no notice of it.
"Look," she said with a sigh. "It wouldn't work. Let's not do this again, alright? Thayet is. a great person. She would be a great queen. And wife. So that's that, isn't it?"
"No," Jon said plainly. He stepped closer, then paused, then cursed softly under his breath. "Alanna, I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend. Thayet is - beautiful. And royal. But she's not my Lioness." He looked hard into her violet eyes, and she was rooted to the spot. "No one knows me like you do, Alanna. I don't want anyone to. What I feel for you. Gods, it can't be for anyone else. I love you, like, like.I don't know what like!" Alanna felt a tear run down her face.
"I love you, too, Jon, I really do. But I can't - I mean it, I can't - be your queen. I can't be anyone's queen! You know I would just make a mess of everything."
"Of I could give up my crown for you."
"Shh," she silenced him. "I know. If I could change it, you know I would. But neither of us can, so let's not talk about the impossible. Tortall needs you." Jon wiped the tear from her cheek, then let his hand rest of her face. She cupped hers over it and their fingers fell together.
"Just let me hold you once more," he asked, voice barely more than a whisper. "Once more. Then I can - do what I have to."
"Marry Thayet," Alanna offered.
"Don't," he begged, seeing finally the light. "Alanna, I don't love Thayet. I like her fine, but. I would marry her, I will marry her, because I have to. I'll love her with time, but not like this." He gave a sad little smile. "It's her or Josianne, you know." Alanna laughed softly. He ran his hand over her hair, forcing her to look up at him.
"I love you, Jon. You know that. I always will."
"I can't. go without you," he stammered. His voice was clogged with raw emotion.
"You won't ever be without me!" Alanna cried. "I'll always be right here." She kissed his palm gently. "This isn't goodbye. This is. this is what it has to be. You know that, too." He nodded, then pulled her close. She felt him tremble against her and smoothed a hand down his back.
"We'll always be together," she promised.
"Till death do us part?" Jon quoted wryly.
Alanna laughed softly again. "It'll take a lot more than death, Jon." He squeezed her.
"That's my Lioness," he said through tears.