Title: Driving Disasters (formerly Why the
Slam Dunk Cast Do Not Drive)
Chapter: 1/3
Genre: Non-yaoi (A/N: Are my eyes deceiving me? Non-yaoi?), Humour,
General
Warning: Vaguely OOC, senseless stuff, attempted humour, some
grammatical mistakes
DISCLAIMER: Only the storyline and OC's belong to me…
Intro: Why they don't drive cars? No, aside from
their age factor, I mean. Simply because they fail their driving test! And now,
I leave it to their driving instructor, Mr. Kageyama Hoshi, to tell his story…
- - - - - - - - - - -
Kageyama: Good morning, Sakuragi Hanamichi-kun.
Sakuragi: Morning. It's Sakuragi 'Tensai' Hanamichi, for your information.
Kageyama: Err, right. So, any experience in driving or with cars, uh, Tensai-kun?
Sakuragi: *seems pretty pleased* Yeah, obviously! You can't expect anything less from a genius, can you? I see people drive all the time, and I daresay I know how to drive like the back of my hand. Did I tell you about my subscription on automobile magazines? I tell you the good ones; blah blah blah…
Kageyama: Excellent, excellent. Now please, start the engine.
Sakuragi: *inserts key* Damn it, it won't budge!
Kageyama: *sweat drops* The other way…
Sakuragi: *laughs, hiding his embarrassment* Of course I know that! The genius is only testing you!
Kageyama: *sweat drops again* Whatever you say…Okay, now, begin!
Sakuragi: *steps on the pedal* Why isn't this &%^# moving??
Kageyama: You're stepping on the brakes.
Sakuragi: …Ahahahaha! Just checking!
Notes: Student only knows how to talk big. Driving is not, and most probably would never be, his strong point.
Further Notes: Never ask students about their experience with cars. Chances are they have none.
- - - - - - - - - -
Why Rukawa Kaede Fails His Driving TestKageyama: Good morning, Rukawa-kun.
Rukawa: Hn.
Kageyama: Are you ready to begin?
Rukawa: Hn…
Kageyama: I'll take that as a yes. Start the engine, if you please. Okay. *turns to his notepad* You may begin now.
The car does not move at all.
Rukawa: Zzzz…
After three bruises, two almost-broken ribs and one major headache….
Kageyama: Stay awake! You can't sleep while driving!
Rukawa: *mumbles* Says who?
Kageyama: The police. Let's get this over with as soon as possible.
So Rukawa drives…until the car comes to a halt. It appears that a HUGE mob of fan-girls has surrounded the car.
Fan-girl #1: Oooh, Rukawa-kun, Rukawa-kun, you're so sexy!
Fan-girl #2: Rukawa~! Take me for a drive!!
Fan-girl #3: Kiss me, baby, kiss me!
Kageyama: What in the name of…
Rukawa: Ahou ga…Zzzzz…
Notes: Student cannot keep his eyes open at all times. It is discovered he's immune to caffeine.
Further Notes: Spent three whole hours scrubbing lipstick stains off the car.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Why Kogure Kiminobu Fails His Driving Test
Kogure: Good morning, Driving Instructor-san!
Kageyama: Good morning, Kogure-kun…eh?
Kogure: Anything wrong?
Kageyama: From this picture, you're wearing glasses. But at the moment…? Did you get contact lenses?
Kogure: No, it's not like that. My little cousin has broken my spectacles. I sent them to my optic shop to get them repaired.
Kageyama: Can you see without them?
Kogure: Well, I reckon so. Are you planning to postpone my test?
Kageyama: *looks at his schedule* I'm afraid I have no spare time in the near future. Can you drive today?
Kogure: I'll endeavour. Thank you, Mr., uh, I beg your pardon…
Kageyama: What a polite young man… Kageyama, Kageyama Hoshi.
And so, Kogure begins his task…
Kogure: Very nice weather, ne, Kageyama-sensei?
Kageyama: Ah? *looks up at the sky* On the contrary…Judging from the dark clouds above I believe it'll be raining soon…
Kogure: Oh, my mistake.
What Kageyama doesn't know is, whilst he is busy scrutinizing the skies, he has overlooked a very important signpost.
It says: DANGER. FOREST AREA. BEWARE OF WILD BEARS.
Notes: Make sure bespectacled students are wearing their glasses during the test, by hook or by crook.
Further Notes: Lost 5kg due to intensive marathon.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Why Mitsui Hisashi Fails His Driving TestKageyama: Mitsui Hisashi?
Mitsui: *grins* None other.
Kageyama: I'm Kageyama Hoshi, your instructor and tester for today.
Mitsui: Aa. Kogure told me about the bear incident. Nasty cuts you have there.
Kageyama: *winces* I know. Shall we begin?
Mitsui: By all means. Oh, before that… *takes out his sunglasses from his pocket* I have to look cool for this.
Fifteen minutes later…
Kageyama: *nodding* Ah, there's a traffic light. Let's see how he handles this…
The light is about to turn red…
Mitsui: *keeps on driving, does not stop*
Kageyama: Gyaaa! Watch out for that lorry!
Mitsui: *avoids it in the nick of time*
Kageyama: *recovers from his shock* Didn't you see the red light?
Mitsui: What red light?
Notes: Ban sunglasses at all costs.
Further Notes: Barely escaped from a traffic officer.
- - - - - - - - - -
Why Miyagi Ryota Fails His Driving TestMiyagi: Hello, Kageyama-sensei!
Kageyama: Hello, Miyagi-kun. Are you prepared?
Miyagi: Hai! Once I get my driving license, the first thing I'll do is asking Aya-chan out on a date!
Kageyama: *sweat drops* Ah, yes, that's very—err, thoughtful of you. For now, why don't we concentrate on your test…
On the road…
Miyagi: I know exactly what type of cars Aya-chan adores! That day, I was just saying to my friend…
Kageyama: Now, try reversing the car… *turns a deaf ear, wondering who this Aya-chan is, and is undecided to think if she's lucky or the other way around*
Miyagi: *obeys* You know, Aya-chan is…
Kageyama: *trying to be patient* Yes, I'm sure I'd like to meet her in person…
Without warning a red sports car zooms past them…
Miyagi: Oh, look! It's Aya-chan! Who's the guy with her? Can it be—? *kicks into high gear, going after the sports car*
Kageyama: Reverse! REVERSE, I say! NOT forward! Aiieee!!!!!
Notes: No cure for a lovesick teenager—yet.
Further Notes: Escaped from being pursued by an officer, thanks to student's extreme speed and recklessness.
P/s: It turned out that "Aya-chan's" companion was no more than a cousin brother.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Why Akagi Takenori Fails His Driving TestKageyama: *gawks at Akagi's incredible height*
Akagi: I'm here for the test.
Kageyama: *snaps out of his speechlessness* Great…ah…very well…
And so…
Kageyama: *nods in approval* Ah! Be careful! There're plenty of sharp turns here!
Akagi: *turns the steering wheel to the right…left…right…until* …Ooops…
Kageyama: Huh?
Akagi: *holds the disengaged steering wheel in front of him*
Kageyama, Akagi: *hugging one another in total terror* AAAAaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!
Notes: Remind the student to be gentle.
Further Notes: Fainted the whole time, therefore no further notes recorded.
[to be continued]
Author's Notes: Funny? Not funny? I hope it's the former…