My Little Labyrinth

If you haven't seen "The Labyrinth": I highly recommend it! This fanfic will be much funnier if you've seen it! But if you haven't, the most important thing to remember is that Jareth, the Goblin King, wears these terrible tights in the movie. (Don't get me wrong, though; it's a great movie!) Also, the Labyrinth has apparently been attacked by glitter and lost--badly.

Chorus:
My Little Goblin, My Little Goblin!
What will today's adventure be?
My Little Goblin, My Little Goblin!
Will there be a maze for me to see?
Whither we wander? Towards castle yonder,
Letting this dwarf be our guide!
My Little Goblin, My Little Goblin!
Hope we make it inside!
I hope we make it inside!

The little ponies are all playing soccer. As usual, Gusty's team is winning. In the meantime, the baby ponies and Spike are having a game of tag nearby. Spike is "it"and is chasing Baby Lickety-Split, who unwittingly heads onto the soccer field.

Spike:
Lickety-Split! Look out!

Gusty trips over Baby Lickety-Split.

Gusty:
Hey! Watch it!

Baby Lickety-Split:
I'm sorry Gusty! I didn't mean to spoil your game!

Spike:
Yeah, we just weren't watching where we were going!

Gusty:
Yeah, right! I wish the goblins would take the two of you away . . . RIGHT NOW!

Dark clouds roil over the land and lightning cracks. A white owl is seen flying over the field. Baby Lickety-Split and Spike are gone.

Shady:
Oh no, where are Spike and Baby Lickety-Split?

Jareth appears in a cloud of sparkles.

Jareth:
I took them away . . . just as you asked!

Wind Whistler:
Judging from the supernatural events which have just occurred . . .

Gusty:
Speak English, big mouth!

Wind Whistler:
Ahem. As I was saying, I think the Goblin King took them.

Megan:
The Goblin King?

Jareth:
That's me. Jareth, the Goblin King.

Wind Whistler:
As is noted in many mythologies, the Goblin King is traditionally symbolized as a white owl. This dates back to . . .

Megan:
Okay, okay, I'm sorry I asked! So how can we get them back?

Jareth:
Why, that's easy! You must find your way through the Labyrinth to my castle beyond the Goblin City within thirteen hours.

A clock appears out of thin air beside him.

Wind Whistler:
But sir, that clock has a thirteenth hour on it!

Jareth:
Yeah . . . so?

Wind Whistler:
A simple mathematical formula will show you the error of your ways! If there are twenty-four hours in every day and . . .

All:
SHUT UP WIND WHISTLER!!

Gusty:
So where is this stupid maze, freak-hair?

Jareth (ignoring Gusty):
I've brought you a gift!

Jareth begins tossing around a crystal. ball

Fizzy:
Oooo! What's that?

Jareth:
It's a crystal, nothing more, but . .

Fizzy:
Oh, it's so pretty!

Jareth:
Yes, it is, but if you turn it just so . . .

Fizzy (giggling):
Gee, I really like that mister! Can I buy one?

Jareth:
Uh . . . you can see your dreams and . . .

Buttons intercepts the crystal from Jareth and starts playing hacky sack with it with the other ponies. Predictably, Fizzy whacks it against a tree when it's her turn, shattering it into a thousand pieces.

Fizzy:
Whoops!

Jareth:
MY CRYSTAL!!!!!

Magic Star:
Never mind about that, Fizzy! We have to find Spike and Baby Lickety-Split!

Gusty:
Yeah, are you going to tell me where they are, or are we going to have to hurt you?

Bushwoolies:
Hurt him! Hurt him! Yeah, yeah!

Jareth (staring at the shattered remains of his crystal):
There is the Labyrinth! There are twists and turns and a thousand dangers! Hopefully you'll run into ALL of them, you careless buffoons!

He points to a nearby hill, and sure enough, the Labyrinth appears there.

Shady:
Danger! Oh no!

Magic Star:
Okay. And we're supposed to get to that castle in the center?

Jareth:
Yes! And if you don't get through the Labyrinth within thirteen hours, Spike and Baby Lickety-Spit or whatever her name is become like us . . . such a pity!

Bushwoolies:
A pity! Yeah, yeah! A pity!

Lofty:
So Baby Lickety-Split and Spike will get bad hair and spandex pants if we don't rescue them?

Jareth:
No, when I say "become like us" I mean . . .

Baby Lofty (whimpering):
His pants frighten me, Mama!

Lofty (comfortingly):
They frighten us all, sweetie.

Sundance:
We get an extra five minutes for the time you've been explaining this, right?

Jareth:
No.

Magic Star:
That's not fair!

Jareth:
You say that so often . . .

Bushwoolies:
So often! Yeah, yeah!

Jareth:
. . . I wonder what your basis for comparison is.

Lofty:
Who cares about the thirteen hours? Wind Whistler and I can just fly to the castle.

Lofty rustles her wings.

Shady:
But what if you get struck by lightning? What if there's a bushfire and it comes here and we all die?

All:
Shut up, Shady!

Jareth:
Hey, you can't fly there! That's cheating!

Lofty:
You say that so often--I wonder what your basis for comparison is!

The ponies snicker.

Jareth (angry):
If you try to fly there, I'm going to tell my guards to put the dragon and the baby in spandex pants right now!

Lofty:
Okay, okay, we'll think of something else.

Buttons:
Gusty and I are unicorns! We can use our magic to teleport past the walls and wink to the castle!

Gusty:
Yeah!

Jareth (angry):
NO! THAT'S CHEATING!!!

Lofty:
You say that so often, I wo--

Jareth:
SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!

Magic Star:
Okay, okay! How about this: Gusty, Fizzy, Megan, Shady and I will go through the Labyrinth, but Fizzy and Gusty won't wink. Agreed?

Jareth (irritated):
That's fine. But you'd just better not try to cheat!

Lofty:
You say that so oft--

Jareth howls in anger. Gusty, Fizzy, Megan, Shady and Magic Star find themselves just outside the Labyrinth.

Gusty (to Shady):
I don't know why we brought you along! You're nothing but bad luck!

Magic Star:
Everyone deserves a chance!

Gusty:
Yeah, yeah . . . Tell me that again when we're all wearing spandex.

Megan:
We have to find out how to get into the Labyrinth!

Magic Star:
Why don't we ask that dwarf over there?

Gusty:
Sure, why not . . . hey! You! The dwarf!

Hoggle:
Oh, it's you!

Gusty:
Yeah it's me! You wanna make something of it?

Hoggle:
Uh . . .

Fizzy:
We need to find a way into the Labyrinth!

Hoggle:
Well, you have to ask the right way!

Gusty:
Let me put it this way--let us in before I impale you!

Megan and Magic Star:
GUSTY!!

Hoggle (nervously):
Err--I guess I could make an exception! The entrance is right there!

Fizzy:
Thanks!

Gusty:
Yeah--thanks for nothing! Next time tell us the first time!

The ponies enter the Labyrinth.

Megan:
Let's try going right.

The ponies walk along.

Gusty:
This is taking too long!

Shady:
Oh no! What if we're lost! What if . . .

Magic Star:
How could we be lost? We've been walking in a straight line!

Gusty (gloomily stepping on a blue worm):
But where are all the turns in the maze?

Fizzy trips over a rock and goes flying into--and right through--the wall.

Megan:
Aha! Through the walls!

The ponies and Megan go through the walls and begin wandering around the maze.

In the meantime, Baby Lickety-Split and Spike are in the throne room of the Goblin King.

Baby Lickety-Split (whispering to Spike):
What are we going to do? We'll never get out of here!

Spike (whispering to Baby Lickety-Split):
Don't worry, Lickety! Someone will save us!

Meanwhile, Jareth has decided to start a song number.

Jareth (to a goblin):
You remind me of the pony.

Goblin:
What pony?

Jareth:
The pony with the power!

Goblin:
What power?

Jareth:
The power of voodoo!

Spike:
Baby Voodoo?

Jareth:
You do!

Baby Lickety-Split:
Say what??

Jareth:
Remind me of the pony!

Goblins:
Ha ha ha!

Jareth:
Quiet!

Jareth:
A goblin pony! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! (to the goblins) Well?

Goblins:
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Baby Lickety-Split (to Spike):
Y'know, those goblins remind me a lot of the bushwoolies.

Jareth:
I saw my pony crying hard as she could cry--what could I do?
My pony's friends had left and made my pony blue! Nobody knew
What kind of magic spell to use!

Goblin:
Slime and snails?

Goblin:
Puppydog tails?

Goblin:
Thunder and lightning?

Jareth:
Then baby said . . .

Baby Lickety-Split:
Huh?

Jareth:
Dance magic dance!
Dance magic dance!
Dance magic dance!
Put that pony spell on me!

Meanwhile, the ponies hear the noise in the Labyrinth.

Magic Star:
This way!

Back in the throne room . . .

Jareth:
Jump magic jump!
Jump magic jump!
Put that magic jump on me!

Goblin:
Slap that pony! Make her free!

Spike:
You'd better not!

Baby Lickety-Split:
Yeah!

Jareth:
I saw my pony trying hard as she could try--what could I do?
My pony's fun had gone and left my pony blue! Nobody knew
What kind of magic spell to use!

Goblin:
Slime and snails?

Goblin:
Puppydog tails?

Baby Lickety-Split:
Ewwww! Gross!

Goblin:
Thunder and lightning?

Jareth:
Then pony said . . .

Baby Lickety-Split:
Stay away from me!

Jareth and the goblins start energetically tossing Baby Lickety-Split and Spike around.

Baby Lickety-Split:
AIEEE!!

Spike:
Put us down!

Goblin:
Ha ha ha ha!

Jareth:
Jump magic jump!
Jump magic jump!
Put that magic jump on me!

Goblin:
Slap that pony! Make her free!

Baby Lickety-Split:
I don't THINK so!

Jareth:
Dance magic dance!
Dance magic dance!
Dance magic dance!
Put that magic spell on me!

Baby Lickety-Split:
WAAAHH!

Jareth finishes his song. Spike and Baby Lickety-Split are safe but dazed.