Disclaimer: All people and places belong to J. K. Rowling. Man, I'm really getting sick of typing that.

Life Had Just Begun

By Terra

Chapter Thirty: Katharsis

I opened my eyes to see Lily bolting out of bed, throwing on clothes and muttering, "Of course! Of course! This can be done!"

"What can be done?" I mumbled, getting my glasses.

"Can't explain now. I need the books. I need to check some things! James, go feed Harry and make breakfast. We don't have time to waste!" With that, she ran out. Groggy and confused, I got up, dressed, fed Harry who was beginning to cry when I got to him, and made breakfast.

An hour later, Lily ran down the stairs, her face flushed. "This is going to work!" she declared.

"What is going to work? What did you get from that dream my father gave us? I'm still confused," I complained. I offered her a plate of toast. "Toast?"

"No, I'm not hungry," Lily refused as she swooped into a chair.

"Well, what is the master plan? Don't tell me we're seriously going to use the Patronus Charm on him!"

"No, but close. The Patronus Charm is a protection spell, right?"

"Yes."

"And it can't be hurt by dark forces. You saw how Harry's Patronus knocked aside the dementors."

"So? That won't help us unless he decides to use dementors to bump us off."

"You're right, the Patronus Charm alone will not work. But we can use the same principle to create a shield that will reflect any dark magic away. Instead of using a happy memory, we'll use love." I burst out laughing. "What?"

"The power of love?! Are you serious? We're going to defeat the Dark Lord with the power of love? Are we superheroes on that kids' show on the Wireless?"

"It's not any stupider than the power of happiness which is basically what fuels the Patronus Charm!" Lily argued.

"How will this work? Love him to death?" I joked. "And how are we going to do this charm? We're here and he's out there!"

"I don't think so for long," Lily replied sadly.

"Why? Do you think Peter will betray us?" I asked sarcastically.

"No, but I've just been thinking about what we saw. Or rather who we saw and how we saw him."

"Do you mean Sirius?"

"Yes. Your father said that Sirius was sent to Azkaban. Why would they send him to prison? For murdering Peter."

"But Sirius swore to protect him! And Harry muttered that he was innocent!"

"That doesn't mean he can't be framed or set up. Think about it. Suppose for a minute that we weren't hiding and we found out that Sirius had been attacked, what would we do?"

"Go and help him," I answered.

"Now, suppose that we were hiding like Sirius and we were Secret-Keepers for someone. What would be the best way to lure us out of hiding?"

"To attack someone."

"Exactly. I think that the Death Eaters, not realizing that Peter is the Secret-Keeper will attack Peter to lure Sirius out of hiding. They'll kill Peter and kidnap Sirius. If he refuses to talk, they'll turn him for murdering Peter, even though he didn't. Since our protection would also be down, we could also die and the Ministry will blame Sirius for our deaths since he was supposedly our Secret-Keeper. Either way, we're all doomed."

I fell back into my chair, limply. "That's why Father kept going on about how there was little time."

"The Death Eaters are probably planning to kill Peter as we speak. We must perform this spell or Lord Voldemort will be unstoppable."

"Tell me how this will work."

"James," Lily said with a pained expression, "there's something I must tell you before I can explain the spell."

"What?" I responded, clasping her hands in mine on the table.

"For this spell to truly work, it must be performed on someone pure, who has not known grief or does not comprehend death, like a Patronus. In other words, it will only work on Harry. We can not use it on ourselves." Lily sniffled. "We'll die, James."

I brought our hands to my lips and kissed Lily fingertips. "Like Sirius, I am willing to die if it can save Harry and everyone else in the Wizarding world."

Lily nodded with tears in her eyes. "Yes, we must. I'm willing to die too."

"Explain the spell."

"We must concentrate all our thoughts and memories on Harry. We must think about how much we love him with all our mind, body, and soul. We must reflect on every cherished moment. We can not be bitter. We can not be grieved. These thoughts must be blotted of our very essences. Then we must concentrate hard on Harry and how much we love him and want to protect him as we say the words, 'Amo Patronum'. That should created a shield around him."

"And then he will be protected."

"Yes, and as an added bonus, which I think your father also meant to show us, is that Harry's entire body will be filled with it. He'll be a walking, talking Patronus."

"That's why he could do it at age thirteen! Well, will do it. He hasn't done it yet," I corrected with a smile. Lily giggled. "This sure is confusing."

"Let's do it tonight."

*** ***

At five o'clock in the evening of October 30th, we laid Harry on the floor of the sitting room. This was the floor that my parents danced. I reasoned that it would be a good luck charm. My father had believed that would live, grow up, marry, and have a child. Now, I believe that Harry will grow up, marry, and have a child of his own. I believe it with all my heart.

Lily and I sat on either side of him. Harry reached to his arms up and gurgled, "Mama, Dada!" Lily stroked his hair and I brushed a finger down his face. Lily bent down and kissed him on the forehead. When she rose, I bent down and kissed him in the same spot. It reminded me of the pictures I saw once of the Wailing Wall in Israel, the worshippers kissing the wall in reverence, pleading for their wishes to come true. I straightened up again and look into Lily's green shining eyes. We could very well kill Harry with this spell rather than protect him.

"We will make this work," I stated firmly. Lily nodded and closed her eyes. I closed my eyes as well.

"Concentrate, James. Put all other thoughts out of your mind. Think only of how much you love Harry. You want to protect him because all you know is loving him. You love him."

I focused on that thought: I love Harry. I tried to think of only him. Him when I saw him in my arms the first time, when I took him home, when he smiled at me, when he crawled towards me, when he reached out for me to pick him up, when he looked at me with love in his eyes, when he showed his first sign, when he called me "Dada", how he laughs, how he smiles, how he feels in my arms, how he falls asleep over my shoulder, how his breath feels against my skin. I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him.

But bitterness and pain began to creep in. He would never know any of this. He would never know how much I love him. He would never know how I felt when any of these wonderful moments happened. I'll never see his smiling face in the morning or his sleepy expression at night ever again. I'll never see him go to school for the first time. I'll never see him get his Hogwarts letter. I'll never walk behind him as he chooses his first school supplies or when smile at him when he finds that perfect wand. I'll never wave at him as the Hogwarts Express pulls away for that first time. I won't be there when he walks off that train for that last time when he is a fully qualified wizard. I won't be there when he knows he's in love. I won't be there when he marries his dream woman. I won't be there when he has his first child in his arms. I'll miss every smile, laugh, tear, temper tantrum, whoop of joy, moment of insecurity, moment of hubris, failure, and triumph. Harry will go through life with a massive gap in his world, a gap that will never fill. A gap that I had been experiencing since my father had died, a gap that had grown when my mother had passed away, a gap that Harry will know for much longer than he deserves.

"I can't do this!" I exclaimed, pushing away in shame. Lily's eyes snapped open.

"What do you mean?" she demanded. "You have to!"

"I'm just too angry. I don't want to be out of his life! I can't do it, I'll mess it up with my bitterness. I'm sorry," I explained mournfully.

"Then I'll do it alone," Lily answered solemnly.

"Will you be able to?"

"I must be able to or there is no hope for him." Lily closed her eyes and said nothing more. I sat perfectly still. I don't know how long we both sat there in silence. Slowly, Lily opened her eyes and raised her wand, pointing it at Harry, who had miraculously become still as a statue.

Lily looked possessed and she said in a focused voice, "Amo... PATRONUM!" There was a burst of silver light and Lily fainted. Not daring to move, I stared at Harry. He was surrounded by the dome of silver light, which glowed a rainbow of colours. The dome began to shrink smaller and smaller. It finally shrunk to his exact size and absorbed into his skin. For five seconds, he glowed silver, like a Patronus, and then the light was gone and Harry looked like he always did.

Letting out a breath I didn't realize I was holding, I rushed to Lily's side. She was coming around.

"What happened? Did it work?" she mumbled.

"Well, a silver light shot out and surrounded him. And then it went into his skin so I think it worked."

"Thank God," Lily whispered, opening her eyes. I gasped in shock. "What? What's wrong?"

"Lily, Lily, your eyes!"

"What's wrong with my eyes?" I rushed out to fetch a mirror and came back in to hand it to her. She looked in the mirror and gasped. "How...?" Her eyes were no longer green but brown.

"I don't know," I muttered. We rushed over to look at Harry to see if anything unpredicted had happened to him. He opened his eyes and giggled. He stretched his arms up towards us. "Mama, Dada! Hug!"

"Look at his eyes," Lily whispered. His eyes were now green.

"Oh, he was the boy in the dreams," I whispered, feeling faint. "He will become the boy with the lightning shaped scar on his head. That boy was truly Harry."

"I must have put too much of myself into the spell. You know that eye are the windows to your soul. I gave him part of my soul."

"That means that he literally has your eyes," I stated. "And it is your eyes that will save him."

*** ***

Now, we come to here. That happened last night. I found this empty notebook in our mess of stuff we brought for research. There is nothing more to tell. I just felt it. The protection is down. Peter is dead and Sirius is going to be sent to Azkaban. Lily and I are going to die. Lord Voldemort will surely attack us tonight. But Harry will live and perhaps he will bring peace to our world again.

Harry, I hope it is you who found this because it is for you that I began this. After we performed the Love Protection (I guess we should give it a name) Charm on you, I began this... memoir? Account? Confession? Explanation? I don't even know. I realized that if I die, you won't know how I was or how I felt. After my father died, there were times when I wondered what my father would have felt. There were times when I wanted to ask him what he thought when I was born, when I spoke, when everything happened. I'll never have the chance to really know. I mean, I got some information from my mother and others but I truly wanted to hear it from him, from his heart. I lost that chance. Now, you will lose yours.

So, I sat down and I decided that I would tell you everything from the moment that I knew of your existence to this very moment. I don't think that this will replace having me there but at least you'll understand me a little better. Nothing can beat the real thing.

I will not lie to you. I am scared. I don't want to die. But I'm sure my father didn't want to die and I'm sure that he was scared before the ultimatum was laid before him. When all choices are gone, I believe that fear flees and the inner strength remains. Many people think that courage is having no fear but that isn't true. Courage is being afraid and knowing very well that there is little hope of success but going forward and doing what you have to do. That's what my father did, twice to my knowledge. That's what I'll do. I will not let you say that your father, no, your Dad ran and fled, that your Dad did not stand tall and proud when Death stared him in the face. Yes, I am scared but I'm not going to lay down and die. If Lord Voldemort wants to kill me, then I'm going to fight until I am a cold corpse. Besides, the way I see it, I'm already running on borrowed time.

A woman that I admire very much once said that I would be asked who am I and that I would have to have an answer. I hope that this book is the answer. My life, my soul is laid out on these pages. This is the most accurate picture I can give you in this short period of time.

Harry, never forget that I love you. I love you so much and I love your mother so much that it hurts. I don't want to leave you. If I could stay here with you and watch you grow, I would do it. But I can't without betraying you. I won't leave you in spirit. I'll always be standing by you, through everything. Give me all your hopes and fears, your laughter and tears. I will hold them for you. Like my father, I will wait for you. And when you are scared, I will whisper in your ear that you must keep fighting.

The dawn is breaking. Funny, isn't it, that today is Halloween, when the spirits walk among us. I imagine Peter, the Blacks, Clarissa, Virginia Lenore, Lily's parents, my parents. All of them with us again. Watching over everyone. I can feel their watchful protection.

I can see you sleeping beside me, Harry. Your mother is asleep on the couch nearby. My favorite people, my most beloved people. This will be the last time we will kiss you good morning. This will be the last time I will kiss your mother.

Sleep, little ones. Let me absorb this picture in my mind.

Good bye.

I love you.

The End.

Author's Notes: Wow, that was short, wasn't it? "Amo", if you haven't guessed, is Latin for "to love, cherish". Yes, this entire thing was supposed to be written to Harry from James. The chapter title is Greek for "release". Aristotle said that katharsis is essential to a good tragedy. It's the point where the guy dies, the men find out they're brothers, etc that makes you resolve your emotions and make you glad you are not that person. Technically, this isn't a katharsis ending because I do not show James actually dying but it's pretty close.

Now, why did I write this?

When I entered the fandom, I wanted to write a Lily and James centered story. They fascinated me but there were already a hundred stories about them. So, I put that on the back burner. I read a lot of fics about the Marauders during the time just before James and Lily died. Most were very good, take no offense if you have written one, but there was one major flaw.

JAMES IS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DULL AND BORING!!!

Always. In every fic, he is the most boring character. And it drives me MAD because I think he is unexplored territory and no one uses him for anything remotely interesting. Yes, they give him interesting jobs but the man himself is unbelievably dull. Everyone else is really great and interesting and I love them to bits. But James and Lily are so boring. I can't stand them! The one fic that drove me to it was a phenomenal piece with beautiful characterization of Sirius, Remus, and Peter. But James and Lily were the most boring, cardboard cutout characters of the entire thing. I felt more bad for Peter than I did for James and Lily. This is not good.

This drove me to frustration. So, my fic is basically my battle against the clichés. Let me tell you what clichés I took on.

For James, I made him actually have a personality. I did not try to make him perfect. I know, Harry loves his daddy very much but I think Harry puts his parents on a godlike pestle. They're great but they weren't perfect. So, I tried giving James and Lily flaws and human-like qualities. I let James be insecure. I let Lily scream at people. I let the Potters have not-so-great relationships with their parents. Notice how I didn't have James be abused as a child, that one is usually the fall-back. I also made sure that Petunia and Lily's relationship wasn't all Petunia being evil and Lily being all good and wanted to reunited. Blah. It takes two to tango. I have a hard time believing that Lily did not have her part in the sister rivalry.

For Sirius, I didn't give him a perfect life. I've noticed in fics that Sirius has this wonderful, perfect life before he went to Azkaban. I don't buy that. No one's life is perfect. He must have some problems before he went in there.

For Remus... okay, I didn't do anything cliché-busting for him. He simply wasn't in it enough.

For Peter, I didn't make him evil from day one. If he went around acting suspicious, don't you think someone would have noticed? Also, I made him part of the group. People like to forget that. And I gave him a girlfriend. I've never seen a fic where Peter is dating. If you have one, show it to me. I'm very curious to see one.

I feel that my mission has been successful.

Now that I'm done ranting, I also wrote this to serve as a dumping ground for my theories. I always wondered what Lily's wand being good for Charms meant and why Harry's eyes are so important. This was my explanation.

I apologize. I tried to stick to known canon as much as possible but I screwed up the ages. I made the Potters and everyone too old and Bill and Charlie too young. The Potters are older because in the first book it says that Petunia has not seen her sister in several years. I took several to mean around seven. I found out that it doesn't mean seven but more like five. I also didn't know that J. K. Rowling had said that Snape is 34/35 in Goblet of Fire so the Potters had to be 20/21 when they died, not 27 as they are here. The ages for Bill and Charlie was just a miscalculation. When I did up the ages for the Weasleys, I must have not added some years right or I forgot that Charlie ages at the same rate as Percy, I don't remember what I did. By the time I realized these mistakes, it was too late and if I had fixed it, the story would be ruined. So, I decided to just let it go and explain it now. Sorry.

It has taken me over a year to write this. Yikes. This fic, not counting the author's notes, is 321 PAGES LONG on Windows Word! That's twenty pages shorter than Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in the American paperback children's edition. I hope you haven't been sitting there and reading this in one sitting! Your butt must hurt! Ouch!

I have really loved writing this fic. I put a lot into making this. I really had to play God because I had to know where everyone was at every point in the story. There is stuff I know that I didn't even have room to mention, which is a shame. So, if you're curious about something, ask me! I hope my theories hold water but I doubt it. Ah, well, it was fun.

I'd like to thank Sugarquill.net for their Brit-pick thread. I found out many things I did not know before.

I'd also like to my anonymous friend who helped more than he knows or would like. He doesn't like fic writers or their fics. Especially Harry Potter fics.

Finally, I want to give a big thank you to Naisumi, who has heard me rant, rave, and theorize as we waited for her ride to post-secondary and on AOL IM. I'm sure I've driven her mad but she's been a big help. Read and review her fics, please.

I hope that you have enjoyed reading my fic as much as I've enjoyed writing it.

Please leave a review by clicking that button or e-mailing me at [email protected].

I'll see you again soon.