Hello! I've been reading all these Harry Potter stories that all have the
same plot and frankly. it's getting a bit old. So I thought I'd make fun of
them a bit. Now if you flame me I shall give you a cookie b/c it'll be my
first flame ever.
Now without further adue.
Hermione Granger was standing at King's Cross Station. Her once amazingly bushy hair (which had once been considered a weapon of mass destruction by the U.N.) was now flat and shiny. Though god knows how it happened. She had sprouted up to 5'9 and had somehow gained big breasts and shapely legs.
And for some odd reason every boy in Hogwarts suddenly wanted to screw Hermione. Go figure.
Ron and Harry suddenly popped out of nowhere and ran over to Hermione.
Ron had grown very tall and had somehow gained muscles and was now the Hogwarts man whore.
Harry on the other hand was still short and skinny and had no way to become a man whore because everyone thought he was still twelve.
"Harry! Ron!" Hermione squealed.
"Hermione! How've you been all summer?" Harry asked while Ron hugged Hermione and accidentally grabbed her ass.
"Terrific. I've become a great piece of ass haven't I?" Hermione asked.
Ron and Harry nodded.
********************and then.
"Damn that Granger." Draco Malfoy said sitting in a compartment with Crabbe and Goyle. "She's so hot."
"So what should you do." Crabbe asked, sounding unusually smart.
"Hey Draco!" said some random Slytherin, sticking his head into the compartment. "I bet you that you can't get into that Mudblood Granger's panties by the end of the term."
"Not now damn it." Said Draco. "I'm trying to think of a way to get into that Mudblood Granger's panties. Wait. I know! I'll make a bet! You there. Some character whose name isn't important enough to know. I'll bet you I can make Granger squeal by the end of the term."
"You're on." The random Slytherin said.
**********************Meanwhile.
"Oh by the way you guys. I forgot to tell you! I'm Head Girl." Hermione said with a smile.
"That's nice," said Ron trying not to think about the words 'Hermione' and 'Head' in the same sentence.
"Why aren't I Head Boy?" Harry wailed suddenly. "I'm the main character and everything good is supposed to happen to me."
"No. If that were true, you would be the man whore instead of Ron." Said Hermione, nodding.
"And you can't be head boy, even though you have top marks and are the adolescent who survived, because it wouldn't work with the whole Hermione is a snot who every boy suddenly wants and Draco suddenly becomes a whimpy loser who wants to screw her plot." Said Ron.
"Oh." Said Harry.
"Well I wonder who the real Head Boy is." Hermione mused.
Suddenly Lavender Brown stuck her head in and said, "Like, Hermione haven't you like, heard that like, Draco Malfoy is like Head Boy." And with that she scampered off.
All three of the Golden Trio gasped like there was no tomorrow.
"Attention students." Said some random voice magically echoing through out the train. "The Head Boy and Head Girl are to report to the front of the train for no damn reason at all."
"Well I've got to go then." Said Hermione, and she skipped off to the front compartment, with her short skirt bouncing up and down showing off her knickers (or lack there of) for all the boys to see.
*************************So.
"Ah Hermione, my love-I mean-What are you doing here Granger?" asked Draco thinking that the whole 'I hate you' act would turn her on.
"I'm Head Girl silly goose." Hermione said.
"What a sharp wit you have." Draco said, moving toward Hermione.
"Yes I know. And may I say you like absolutely sexy in that cloak even though I can't seen your body." Hermione whispered.
"Of course you can." Draco smirked then leaned down and kissed Hermione dramatically.
Suddenly Hermione broke apart from Draco and said, "No I can't kiss you. I must play the hard to get bitch and draw this worth less story out."
"Well if you insist." Draco shrugged. "Then I will continue to be the cold bastard who confuses and torments you in the open but shags you and snogs you behind closed doors."
"Ok." Said Hermione as they shook hands.
************************Anyway.
"Oh Hermione. I love you so much. Even though I'm to much of a pussy to say my feelings." Ron complained in the common room.
"Well Ron. You could just tell her." Harry, always the voice of reason said.
"But what if she doesn't like me? I don't think my man whorish personality could take that type of rejection." Ron whined.
"Oh suck it up bitch." Harry snapped.
Suddenly Ginny Weasley popped out of nowhere. Ginny had miraculously broken through her shy barrier to be an annoyingly perfect Mary Sue like creature with a potty mouth.
"Hi guys!" Ginny said.
Ron said hi back but Harry just gurgled and ogled Ginny's chest.
"Ginny? Should I ask Hermione out?" Ron asked.
"How the bloody fuck should I know. I'm not her damn best friend. I don't even know her that well." Ginny said carelessly.
"Well she tells you stuff doesn't she." Harry said resisting the urge to grope Ginny.
"The only thing she's ever told me is that she was going to the damn Yule Ball with Viktor Krum, and she only told me that to spite you Ron." Ginny said.
But at the mention of Krum, Ron had suddenly gone into shock and was lying on the floor, twitching occasionally, muttering "no. Hermione. Mine. Krum. Go. Screw. Chicken."
Ginny and Harry looked at Ron for a minute before Harry said, "Say Ginny. I've been thinking that I'm going to start becoming a man whore myself even though I look twelve. You wanna go screw in the astronomy tower even though it's not remotely romantic and we'll probably end up having to shag on a table?"
"What? So we can magically start loving one another and be an excellent example of how Ron and Hermione should be, and become a pair to ask advice from?" Ginny asked.
"Yes." Said Harry pointedly.
"Ok." Said Ginny, and then she and Harry skipped off to the astronomy tower, hand in hand.
***********************but.
"Muahahahahah!" Draco said the next day in the Head Boy/Head Girl bathroom. "I think, being the smart pervert I am, I will spy on Hermione, under my invisibility cloak, taking a bath. Oh and look at that! By amazing coincidence today happened to be the day she ran out of all her other robed and is forced to wear a skimpy teddy given to her by some nameless Gryffindor a.k.a. lavender!"
"You idiot I can hear you under that cloak." Hermione said, now removing her teddy not caring if Draco saw her.
"Oh." Draco said, looking crestfallen. But then he got another idea. "Then now I must skip to the next stage of my plan! I must come out of hiding from under by invisibility only wearing a towel! Then I shall pin Hermione against the wall, and make my towel accidentally slip! Then I-"
"Oh shut up." Hermione cut him off. "And come join me in this bath!"
"Ok!" Draco said and jumped in.
"Draco!" Hermione suddenly whispered. "I can't deny it any longer. I feel something for you!"
"Really?" Draco asked hopefully.
"No. Not really. I'm just dicking around with you." Hermione said with a smile.
Then she got up, leaving a dumbfounded Draco, and walked out into the corridors naked. But seeing as Hermione had also suddenly gained a hot ass no one seemed to mind.
*************************then.
"Oh Harry!"
"Oh! Ginny! Oh my god!"
"Call me Mary Sue!"
"What? Why?"
"Do it bitch!"
"Oh Mary Sue!"
****************************anyway.
Hermione stormed into the common room, still naked, only to come face to face with Ron. Suddenly realizing she was naked and caring Hermione attempted to cover herself. After an awkward silence Ron spoke.
"Hermione. I have to tell you something." Ron said taking Hermiones hand.
"What?" hermione asked.
"I love you!" Ron said. And with that he leaned down to kiss her but was cut off when Hermione said.
"I'm sorry. But I just don't love you." Hermione said sadly.
The violins from Psycho mysteriously played from somewhere.
"You what????" Ron shouted.
"I-" Hermione started but was cut off.
"Fine! Then I shall go back to being a Man Whore! I will take advantage of women, screwing them dry, trying to fill the gaping hole in my heart that you have inflicted Hermione! I will only be with sluts from now on!" Ron wailed.
"That would be us!" Lavender and Parvati said together with a wave while walking by.
"Whoa!" Said Ron checking out Lavender's ass. "See ya Hermione."
And with that he ran after the pair of girls.
*********************In potions.
"Harry Potter! Ten points from Gryffindor for you being to sexy!" Snape giggled.
"What?" asked Harry revolted.
"I mean, ten points from Gryffindor for you being to short." Snape said.
All the Slytherins pointed and laughed.
"But my elevator shoes were supposed to help!" Harry cried pointing to his foot tall multi colored platform shoes.
"Ok. I'm assigning you all some bull shit assignment because I can. So I'm pairing you up with the most romantic possibilities. Harry and Ginny. Wait! What the hell is she doing here?" Snape said pointing to Ginny.
"I'm here b/c I'm Harry's romantic possibility." Ginny stated.
"Damn. I wanted to be that." Snape muttered. "Anyway. Ron and Lavender and Parvati. Crabbe and Goyle. Draco and Hermione. And blah blah blah. You other characters aren't important enough to name."
So Draco and Hermione quickly joined desks and began writing.
"Draco." Hermione said. "I've just realized what sexy handwriting you have. It's so small and straight and pointy. Snog me!"
"Not now Hermione." Draco said. "I will just have to settle for feeling you up under the table."
"Ok." Hermione said.
*************************finally.
"Draco. I've realized I love you more than I love my mini muffins!" Hermione said.
"What?" Draco asked.
"Never mind. Just screw me already!" Hermione said.
So Draco did.
*********************10 years later.
"Wow! I'm married to my love Hermione. We have two beautiful children! And I couldn't love them more." Draco sighed. "I just wish I knew why one had red hair, and the other had black hair."
O_o
The End
Haha. I though it was pretty funny. But I'll let you be the judge of that. Read and review please. Reviews make me fuzzy. And if you thought this was funny you need to go read Oy Angelina's Snogwarts. It hilarious. Well. Toodles!
Now without further adue.
Hermione Granger was standing at King's Cross Station. Her once amazingly bushy hair (which had once been considered a weapon of mass destruction by the U.N.) was now flat and shiny. Though god knows how it happened. She had sprouted up to 5'9 and had somehow gained big breasts and shapely legs.
And for some odd reason every boy in Hogwarts suddenly wanted to screw Hermione. Go figure.
Ron and Harry suddenly popped out of nowhere and ran over to Hermione.
Ron had grown very tall and had somehow gained muscles and was now the Hogwarts man whore.
Harry on the other hand was still short and skinny and had no way to become a man whore because everyone thought he was still twelve.
"Harry! Ron!" Hermione squealed.
"Hermione! How've you been all summer?" Harry asked while Ron hugged Hermione and accidentally grabbed her ass.
"Terrific. I've become a great piece of ass haven't I?" Hermione asked.
Ron and Harry nodded.
********************and then.
"Damn that Granger." Draco Malfoy said sitting in a compartment with Crabbe and Goyle. "She's so hot."
"So what should you do." Crabbe asked, sounding unusually smart.
"Hey Draco!" said some random Slytherin, sticking his head into the compartment. "I bet you that you can't get into that Mudblood Granger's panties by the end of the term."
"Not now damn it." Said Draco. "I'm trying to think of a way to get into that Mudblood Granger's panties. Wait. I know! I'll make a bet! You there. Some character whose name isn't important enough to know. I'll bet you I can make Granger squeal by the end of the term."
"You're on." The random Slytherin said.
**********************Meanwhile.
"Oh by the way you guys. I forgot to tell you! I'm Head Girl." Hermione said with a smile.
"That's nice," said Ron trying not to think about the words 'Hermione' and 'Head' in the same sentence.
"Why aren't I Head Boy?" Harry wailed suddenly. "I'm the main character and everything good is supposed to happen to me."
"No. If that were true, you would be the man whore instead of Ron." Said Hermione, nodding.
"And you can't be head boy, even though you have top marks and are the adolescent who survived, because it wouldn't work with the whole Hermione is a snot who every boy suddenly wants and Draco suddenly becomes a whimpy loser who wants to screw her plot." Said Ron.
"Oh." Said Harry.
"Well I wonder who the real Head Boy is." Hermione mused.
Suddenly Lavender Brown stuck her head in and said, "Like, Hermione haven't you like, heard that like, Draco Malfoy is like Head Boy." And with that she scampered off.
All three of the Golden Trio gasped like there was no tomorrow.
"Attention students." Said some random voice magically echoing through out the train. "The Head Boy and Head Girl are to report to the front of the train for no damn reason at all."
"Well I've got to go then." Said Hermione, and she skipped off to the front compartment, with her short skirt bouncing up and down showing off her knickers (or lack there of) for all the boys to see.
*************************So.
"Ah Hermione, my love-I mean-What are you doing here Granger?" asked Draco thinking that the whole 'I hate you' act would turn her on.
"I'm Head Girl silly goose." Hermione said.
"What a sharp wit you have." Draco said, moving toward Hermione.
"Yes I know. And may I say you like absolutely sexy in that cloak even though I can't seen your body." Hermione whispered.
"Of course you can." Draco smirked then leaned down and kissed Hermione dramatically.
Suddenly Hermione broke apart from Draco and said, "No I can't kiss you. I must play the hard to get bitch and draw this worth less story out."
"Well if you insist." Draco shrugged. "Then I will continue to be the cold bastard who confuses and torments you in the open but shags you and snogs you behind closed doors."
"Ok." Said Hermione as they shook hands.
************************Anyway.
"Oh Hermione. I love you so much. Even though I'm to much of a pussy to say my feelings." Ron complained in the common room.
"Well Ron. You could just tell her." Harry, always the voice of reason said.
"But what if she doesn't like me? I don't think my man whorish personality could take that type of rejection." Ron whined.
"Oh suck it up bitch." Harry snapped.
Suddenly Ginny Weasley popped out of nowhere. Ginny had miraculously broken through her shy barrier to be an annoyingly perfect Mary Sue like creature with a potty mouth.
"Hi guys!" Ginny said.
Ron said hi back but Harry just gurgled and ogled Ginny's chest.
"Ginny? Should I ask Hermione out?" Ron asked.
"How the bloody fuck should I know. I'm not her damn best friend. I don't even know her that well." Ginny said carelessly.
"Well she tells you stuff doesn't she." Harry said resisting the urge to grope Ginny.
"The only thing she's ever told me is that she was going to the damn Yule Ball with Viktor Krum, and she only told me that to spite you Ron." Ginny said.
But at the mention of Krum, Ron had suddenly gone into shock and was lying on the floor, twitching occasionally, muttering "no. Hermione. Mine. Krum. Go. Screw. Chicken."
Ginny and Harry looked at Ron for a minute before Harry said, "Say Ginny. I've been thinking that I'm going to start becoming a man whore myself even though I look twelve. You wanna go screw in the astronomy tower even though it's not remotely romantic and we'll probably end up having to shag on a table?"
"What? So we can magically start loving one another and be an excellent example of how Ron and Hermione should be, and become a pair to ask advice from?" Ginny asked.
"Yes." Said Harry pointedly.
"Ok." Said Ginny, and then she and Harry skipped off to the astronomy tower, hand in hand.
***********************but.
"Muahahahahah!" Draco said the next day in the Head Boy/Head Girl bathroom. "I think, being the smart pervert I am, I will spy on Hermione, under my invisibility cloak, taking a bath. Oh and look at that! By amazing coincidence today happened to be the day she ran out of all her other robed and is forced to wear a skimpy teddy given to her by some nameless Gryffindor a.k.a. lavender!"
"You idiot I can hear you under that cloak." Hermione said, now removing her teddy not caring if Draco saw her.
"Oh." Draco said, looking crestfallen. But then he got another idea. "Then now I must skip to the next stage of my plan! I must come out of hiding from under by invisibility only wearing a towel! Then I shall pin Hermione against the wall, and make my towel accidentally slip! Then I-"
"Oh shut up." Hermione cut him off. "And come join me in this bath!"
"Ok!" Draco said and jumped in.
"Draco!" Hermione suddenly whispered. "I can't deny it any longer. I feel something for you!"
"Really?" Draco asked hopefully.
"No. Not really. I'm just dicking around with you." Hermione said with a smile.
Then she got up, leaving a dumbfounded Draco, and walked out into the corridors naked. But seeing as Hermione had also suddenly gained a hot ass no one seemed to mind.
*************************then.
"Oh Harry!"
"Oh! Ginny! Oh my god!"
"Call me Mary Sue!"
"What? Why?"
"Do it bitch!"
"Oh Mary Sue!"
****************************anyway.
Hermione stormed into the common room, still naked, only to come face to face with Ron. Suddenly realizing she was naked and caring Hermione attempted to cover herself. After an awkward silence Ron spoke.
"Hermione. I have to tell you something." Ron said taking Hermiones hand.
"What?" hermione asked.
"I love you!" Ron said. And with that he leaned down to kiss her but was cut off when Hermione said.
"I'm sorry. But I just don't love you." Hermione said sadly.
The violins from Psycho mysteriously played from somewhere.
"You what????" Ron shouted.
"I-" Hermione started but was cut off.
"Fine! Then I shall go back to being a Man Whore! I will take advantage of women, screwing them dry, trying to fill the gaping hole in my heart that you have inflicted Hermione! I will only be with sluts from now on!" Ron wailed.
"That would be us!" Lavender and Parvati said together with a wave while walking by.
"Whoa!" Said Ron checking out Lavender's ass. "See ya Hermione."
And with that he ran after the pair of girls.
*********************In potions.
"Harry Potter! Ten points from Gryffindor for you being to sexy!" Snape giggled.
"What?" asked Harry revolted.
"I mean, ten points from Gryffindor for you being to short." Snape said.
All the Slytherins pointed and laughed.
"But my elevator shoes were supposed to help!" Harry cried pointing to his foot tall multi colored platform shoes.
"Ok. I'm assigning you all some bull shit assignment because I can. So I'm pairing you up with the most romantic possibilities. Harry and Ginny. Wait! What the hell is she doing here?" Snape said pointing to Ginny.
"I'm here b/c I'm Harry's romantic possibility." Ginny stated.
"Damn. I wanted to be that." Snape muttered. "Anyway. Ron and Lavender and Parvati. Crabbe and Goyle. Draco and Hermione. And blah blah blah. You other characters aren't important enough to name."
So Draco and Hermione quickly joined desks and began writing.
"Draco." Hermione said. "I've just realized what sexy handwriting you have. It's so small and straight and pointy. Snog me!"
"Not now Hermione." Draco said. "I will just have to settle for feeling you up under the table."
"Ok." Hermione said.
*************************finally.
"Draco. I've realized I love you more than I love my mini muffins!" Hermione said.
"What?" Draco asked.
"Never mind. Just screw me already!" Hermione said.
So Draco did.
*********************10 years later.
"Wow! I'm married to my love Hermione. We have two beautiful children! And I couldn't love them more." Draco sighed. "I just wish I knew why one had red hair, and the other had black hair."
O_o
The End
Haha. I though it was pretty funny. But I'll let you be the judge of that. Read and review please. Reviews make me fuzzy. And if you thought this was funny you need to go read Oy Angelina's Snogwarts. It hilarious. Well. Toodles!