Author's Note: Thank you to the awesomest beta in the world:-) I don't know what I'd do without you. Probably have a lot of spelling errors. The song is In This Life by Chantal Krevisack (that's so not spelt right). This was just a little distraction from CBTE and ENQ. Gotta love those plot bunnies.
I also screwed with the time line a bit. If anything isn't really canon it's meant to be that way.
Edited to add: Another songfic where the lyrcis have been removed. The song it was is listed above.
I Am Right Beside You
Jason relished the feeling of the warm weight sprawled half on top of him. It felt wonderful to be here finally. It had taken so long, so much, to get to this point, just being able to be, to lay here and breathe was more magical than anything else.
There was a slight movement from the weight on top of him and a pair of warm, chocolate brown eyes regarded him with affection. He smiled back, unable to resist rearing up enough to plant a kiss on those firm lips.
They parted with a soft sigh and settled back, laying together as they had been before. Jason let his hand drift up from where it had rested on the trim waist, combing his fingers through the soft hair. He was slowly fading towards sleep, his eyes already drooping, and he was more than content to do so all wrapped up with his love like this.
"I love you." The quiet voice made him smile as it whispered across his chest.
"I love you too, Tommy."
Jason had felt a shiver of something indescribable tickle up his spine as he shook hands with Tommy on the beach that fateful day. He had been attracted to the tall, long-haired martial artist when he had faced off against him at the tournament but this was something different. A careful look into the still guilt ridden brown eyes made butterflies stir in his stomach.
As his team-mates and friends welcomed Tommy to the team, Jason watched the newest Ranger carefully. He definitely still felt guilty. He avoided meeting the gazes of all his new team-mates and quickly glanced away, blushing whenever someone managed to meet his eyes. He was not sure of himself, of his place, yet.
Jason figured that was understandable under the circumstances. He didn't really know any of them. He probably was not used to a group of people who were so accepting of someone who had just tried to kill them. It was a bit of a rare find but then again, so were Power Rangers. If anyone understood sudden changes of character due to Rita's influence it was them, especially Kim and Billy who still vividly remembered the after effects of the Punk Potion.
Kim, Jason observed over the next few weeks, was doing her very best to make Tommy feel comfortable. It miffed him a bit. At one point when she was blatantly flirting with him, he had felt like telling to her to back off, he saw him first.
Then he mentally sighed. He probably didn't have a chance, better Kim take him then some bimbo from the cheerleading squad.
He and Tommy were getting close, even though sometimes Jason thought they were in different rooms of the house when it came to understanding each other. Tommy just seemed to skitter away whenever something happened to make him closer to Jason or the group in general, like he was scared of them.
Jason didn't understand it. Okay, so they hadn't had the best beginning but they knew it wasn't Tommy's fault. They were willing to put it in the past and leave it there. Why wasn't he?
It was incredibly frustrating for Jason, who genuinely liked Tommy, even if he was only a friend. Plus he was worried it might affect his team's ability to work together and he wasn't about to let that happen. It was crucial they all trusted each other when they were in battle, if they didn't someone would get hurt. He ignored the feeling in the pit of his stomach when he considered Tommy getting hurt, telling himself he was only so worried about him because he was most likely to get hurt since he hadn't really started trusting them yet.
He had to ignore any other reasons. Tommy appeared to like Kim, in a shy, bewildered sort of way. He had had crushes before, though he would never admit it, he would get over this one like all the others.
Only it wasn't quite the same. He hadn't had the same sort of dreams about the other guys he had found attractive. Oh sure, there were plenty of those dreams too but some weren't the same. They felt more...lasting.
It was hard to pin Tommy down and talk to him. When Jason actually tried, it was harder than he had expected. Tommy was with them a lot but he never really seemed part of the group and it was nearly impossible to get him one on one those first few weeks. Jason was not the only one having that problem either; he overheard Kim complaining to Trini that it was hard to get someone to ask you out when they wouldn't talk to you alone for more than a few minutes at a time.
That just made Jason more determined to talk to Tommy. Something was obviously up, and Jason was going to get to the bottom of it. They couldn't work together as a team if one member wouldn't associate with the others. He wanted Tommy as a friend too, well, he wanted more but he would settle for friendship.
He finally caught up to Tommy when the other boy was walking home after school. Jason usually went to the Youth Center with the gang for a while but he had a science test the next day so he had decided to head straight home to study. That way he would be able to get some practise time in as well.
Tommy seemed to have the same plan. Jason saw him heading towards the park, probably to take a shortcut home.
He decided to follow, figuring it wouldn't take that long to talk to his tea- mate and that then was as good a time as any.
Tommy looked a little surprised, and quite alarmed, when Jason fell into step beside him.
They made small talk for a while, until Jason figured Tommy was as at ease as he was going to get. They were about half-way across the park, in a rather deserted section Zack had discovered was great for picnics a few years ago, when Jason decided it was time to really talk to the green clad boy.
Tommy was reluctant but he agreed to sit down and talk to Jason when he mentioned it concerned being a Ranger. He had sighed when Jason said that, agreeing with a bit of resignation and regret Jason didn't understand.
They had barely sat down at a nearby picnic table when Tommy blurted out, "So have you found someone else?"
Jason looked at him, confused, "What?"
"Have you found someone else, someone better?" Tommy repeated before saying in a rush. "I knew this was just temporary. I thought you had someone lined up for when you guys got these Powers back. I don't really deserve them or anything, Zordon didn't pick me like you guys. I'm sure whoever he decided on will do a better job."
"Woah. Wait a second. Those are your powers. No one is going to take them away from you." Jason told him. "Honestly, I'm not even sure you can just take away someone's Powers. I always thought they bonded to their bearer or something so you couldn't just accept them and then give them away to whoever came along."
"Zordon would probably know how. I'll give them up. It's okay. I know I'm not part of the team. I'm not going to put up a fuss," Tommy offered but Jason noticed one hand was clenching at the pocket he was keeping his morpher in.
"Tommy, we're not going to take away your Powers. We wouldn't do that to you, man." Jason reassured him. "When I said you're part of the team I meant it. It's where you belong now. We're not going to turn our backs on you."
Tommy flushed dully. "But...I mean, Rita...Aren't you worried she'll turn me back, somehow? There must be some reason she picked me to be her evil Ranger. There's got to be something about me that she saw she could exploit."
"All she saw was that you were a fighter, and a good one. That's why she chose you, not because deep down you're evil or anything." Jason scoffed at the idea. He didn't know Tommy that well but he knew, knew, the other boy was anything but evil. "Listen, if you don't believe me think about this, she hasn't sent down a monster since you broke free of her spell. She's got to be drained because she put so much effort into keeping you entranced."
"Goldar's been sent," Tommy reminded Jason gloomily.
"Goldar's a permanent fixture. I don't think he's going anywhere soon and he always pulls back before we can do any real damage to him." Jason replied. "Besides, she never made him grow. She probably hasn't got enough power to even do that yet."
Tommy didn't reply. He looked away from Jason. He did not want to listen to the other boy's words, just in case Jason wasn't right, but he wanted it to be true!
"Is that why you've been avoiding us? I thought you didn't like us or something." Jason smiled. "Tommy, don't worry about Rita making you evil again. She won't and if she does, we'll kick her butt and get you back. You're one of us now; we're not going to let that old hag get her claws into you again."
"Why'd you want to talk to me then?" Tommy wondered, trying not to take Jason's words too much to heart yet. The other boy had wanted to talk to him about something.
"You've been avoiding us. Even when you hang out with us, you're distant. It's like you don't trust us. If we can't trust each other how are we supposed to fight together? I don't want you, or anyone else, to get hurt," Jason told him.
"I can't see how you can trust me after what I did." Tommy confessed. "You saved me. I trust you and the others. I just don't see why you would trust me."
"Is there any reason we shouldn't trust you?" Jason asked.
"I tried to kill you!" Tommy exclaimed. "Isn't that reason enough?"
"Not really, considering you weren't in your right mind. Rita was controlling you, we all know that. We know you weren't yourself. You don't have to beat yourself up about it," Jason assured him.
"Yeah, Kim was trying to tell me something like that before," Tommy said with a short sigh.
"Well, Kim's a smart girl behind the valley talk," Jason replied, trying not to grit his teeth while he said it.
Tommy's eyes flickered for a moment but Jason couldn't tell with what. "Yeah. She's nice. I was wondering...Are you two going out or anything? I've heard something like that around school."
Jason couldn't help it, he laughed at that. "No, Kim's like a sister to me, but she's not my type. At all. She's a great girl just not what I'm looking for."
"Oh." Tommy smiled a little but it slipped away after a second. "So I guess you'd be more into girls like Trini then?"
Jason chuckled again. "Nope, she wouldn't be even if I wasn't afraid Billy would invent something teleport me to the North Atlantic if I tried to date her."
"Oh." Tommy repeated. He had been sure one of the girls would have been dating Jason...Who wouldn't want to! He was curious now. "Well, then what is your type of girl?"
Well, Tommy was part of the team now, the others knew, he might as well too, Jason thought. "You've got the last part of that wrong."
It was Tommy's turn to be confused. "What?"
Jason shrugged. He was surprised he did not feel more nervous. "Girls. Girls aren't my type."
"Oh. You're...Oh." Tommy fumbled for what to say.
Jason smiled a little, feeling sorry for him. He didn't seem repulsed, he hadn't tried to deck Jason, that was in his favour. "Don't worry. I'm not into straight guys either. I'm not going to..."
"What if I'm not straight?" Tommy interrupted.
"...try to hit on you or...What!" Jason exclaimed, not quite believing what he'd heard. "I thought you liked Kim. So did she for that matter."
"I do, well, she's nice but she's not really my type either." Tommy smiled just a little. "I'm not into girls. I tried to be but I'm just not."
"Well, this certainly makes things interesting." Jason grinned. He hadn't expected that!
"So...What do we do now?" Tommy asked.
Jason shrugged. "I don't know. This is Angel Grove. As far as I know I'm the only gay guy here except for you now. It might just be they're all in the closet still."
"Great." Tommy sighed. "Are you out?"
"To the others and my mom. I haven't told my dad yet," Jason told him.
"My parents know. My mom told me, actually. She told me to stop fooling myself and get over the fact I liked guys instead of girls. Then my dad asked if that was why I'd been moping around the house and said if it was to stop it because it was ridiculous to spend that much time moping over nothing. If I was going to mope I should at least have a good reason." Tommy grinned.
Jason smiled back. "They sound great."
"They are. You should come over for dinner sometime or something," Tommy offered.
"Okay," Jason agreed.
They sat in silence for a few moments, neither really knowing how to proceed. It wasn't actually awkward, they were too busy giving each other goofy grins for it to get that awkward but it was coming close.
Finally, Jason broke the stalemate. "Can I kiss you?"
"If you want to," Tommy replied.
"Do you want me to?" Jason asked.
"Yes."
"Good," Jason said as he leaned forward.
Jason wished he could have said their first kiss was perfect, but really, it wasn't.
They both felt awkward and embarrassed, like they were a pair of five year olds imitating what they'd seen the adults on television do. They were both nervous, neither of them knew what to do with their hands, and Jason was leaning so far forward his neck started to hurt after awhile.
But what they were doing with their mouths was okay. After they got over the initial awkwardness and actually stopped just pressing their lips together at least. Jason had to admit that feeling Tommy's tongue in his mouth pretty much made the feeling in his neck disappear for a bit.
They were still grinning goofily when they pulled away even though Jason did have to start rubbing his neck. It had been bad kiss but it was a better kiss than either of them had had before, although some of the girls Tommy had kissed would have disagreed.
The silence threatened to reach awkwardness again. Tommy spared the moment this time. "That was fun! Can we do it again?"
Jason grinned, "I think we need the practise."
"Yeah, that was pretty bad," Tommy admitted.
"Are you speaking from experience?" Jason said, his eyebrow rose slightly.
"I've kissed girls before," Tommy replied. "Haven't you?"
Jason wrinkled his nose a little. "Not since Kim and I were five."
"Five? Early bloomer, weren't you?" Tommy teased.
"It was her idea. She wanted to do what the people in the soap opera my mom was watching were doing," Jason told him.
Tommy laughed. "It wasn't that bad. You caught on quick."
"It's hard not to with another tongue in your mouth," Jason smirked. "I liked that."
"Me too. Let's do it again."
Tommy cut off anything that could have said by pressing his lips against Jason's. Jason responded enthusiastically, hesitantly trying to find a place for his hands by putting them on Tommy's knees. Tommy tried putting his hands on Jason's arms and scooting closer, so the position was less awkward, without breaking the kiss. It kind of worked. He banged into Jason's knee with his own a bit hard but both boys ignored it.
They ignored the time as well. When they finally left the park, the street lights were starting to come on.
Jason sighed and put his book down. He'd been reading over the same page for the last half hour. It wasn't going to sink in. He was too distracted.
He missed Trini and Zack. They'd been gone for a little over a week and he missed having them around. They had both e-mailed him, Trini was doing it almost daily, but it wasn't nearly the same.
'You could have been there,' Jason reminded himself. 'You gave up the chance to stay here. Too late to change you mind now.'
He was starting to regret it a bit though. He had had good reasons not to go. He didn't want to give up being a Ranger. He didn't think he was the best candidate.
He didn't want to leave Tommy.
Only Tommy was spending almost all his time with the two new Rangers and their friend Rocky. Kim hung out with them a lot too, especially with Aisha since her best girlfriend was an ocean away. Jason had seen her giving Rocky an eye over a couple times as well. Maybe she would have more luck with the new kid this time than she did last time.
He and Billy hung out with them sometimes as well. Billy was upset because Trini had left. They had never gotten together. Billy was too shy to ask Trini out and Trini was discouraged by all the girls that seemed to fall for Billy, to the genius' bewilderment. Billy regretted it now and was spending an abnormal amount of time in his lab. Actually, the only time Billy had been out, other than for school and Ranger business, was when Jason went in and chased him out.
He hadn't done that for a few days and the Blue Ranger needed to get out. Besides, Jason needed someone to talk to and since Tommy was never around anymore...
They didn't end up going out anywhere. They ended up sitting on the old couch at one end of the lab and complaining about their love lives until Jason had had enough of the pity party. He was feeling bitter but there was only so much he could stand.
"She's coming back for Christmas, Billy. Tell her then. The worst she can do is say no," Jason told his friend finally.
"Or say yes and then go back to the Peace Conference." Billy sighed. "Or say yes and then not go back to the Peace Conference. The situation will remain negative no matter what option occurs."
"It doesn't have to," Jason insisted.
"I must disagree. If she does return my feelings, which appears to be the most agreeable outcome, she will either return to the Peace Conference, leaving in a very similar position to the one I find myself in currently. Alternatively, she could forego the Peace Conference and remain in Angel Grove, which, as I have observed from her e-mails, would be a mistake on her part. She is enjoying her time there far too much to discontinue the experience."
"People do funny things when they're in love," Jason told him.
"It appears you have begun to regret that," Billy commented.
"I find it hard to believe that Tommy is avoiding you intentionally. It must be some kind of misunderstanding. I know we have not been included in activities as often as we are under normal circumstances but that may be because Tommy thought you were trying to cheer me up."
At Jason's surprised look he smiled slightly. "Yes, I noticed that. The effort is appreciated but I believe we should be discussing your current situation instead. Have you tried calling him?"
"I called him today. His mother said she was sorry but he'd gone out with Kim and three other people already," Jason told him, unable to keep the bitterness completely out of his voice, "Every time I've called him for the past week, except once, it's been something similar. I've seen him outside of school and the battles three times in the past two weeks."
Billy winced in sympathy. "Well, yes, that is a rather callous action. I had thought you were being included more than I have been simply because you want to be included which I, so far, have not."
"I know. I'm the one who's been dragging you out of here, remember? You can really dig your heels in when you don't want to do something," Jason said wryly.
"Yes, well, it was no match for your stubbornness in the end," Billy admitted. "You are changing the subject, through..."
"Like you didn't when I brought up Trini," Jason interjected.
Billy waved the comment away. "That is beside the point, there will be no acceptable course of action on that front until she returns home and I can converse with her in person. I have time. You do not. You are lonely and frustrated and there is no acceptable reason why that should continue."
"Tommy seems to think there is." Jason sighed and rubbed and hand over his face, he was getting sick of this whole situation. "I don't know what to do."
"All I can do is offer you your own advice: Talk to him,"Billy told him. "Honestly Jason, I do not think Tommy would intentionally hurt you. This may all be a misunderstanding."
"I've tried talking to him. Even at school he talks more to Adam and Rocky and the girls than he talks to me," Jason complained.
"So tie him us," Billy told him, a devilish glint in his eyes.
"Billy!" Jason blushed a brighter shade of red than his t-shirt. Before his face could turn purple he saw the unusual mischief in his long time friend's eyes and responded in kind. "Well, maybe later."
Billy laughed but he blushed as deeply as Jason was. He never talked about sex. Never. The talk his father had tried to have with him about the birds and bees had gone so horribly they had avoided each other for weeks. However, Jason had needed something to lighten the mood and Billy was glad to see his friend smile.
"Thanks Billy," Jason said, after he managed to stop laughing. He recognized the laughter for what it was a release of tension.
"You really should talk to him, Jase," Billy said seriously.
"You mean too much to each other to be at odds like this. It is hurting you, and I believe it is hurting Tommy too."
"I will," Jason sighed. "If I ever get the chance!"
The chance came faster than Jason had expected it to. He was jogging later that night, as the streetlights came on, and he saw Tommy just getting home. Jason sighed, figuring then was as good a time as any, especially since he knew Tommy's parents had gone to visit his aunt and would be away until Monday.
That hurt too. Normally, Tommy would have asked him to spend at least one night with him. This time he had only found out from Tommy's mother this morning that they were going away.
"Tommy!" he called, slowing to a walk as he started towards the porch.
Tommy looked up, startled. He had not expected to see Jason when he did. He tried to put a smile on his face but came up short. He could see it in Jason's face that the action did not go unnoticed.
"Hey Jase," Tommy greeted, trying to keep the embarrassment out of his voice.
"Hey," Jason replied. "We need to talk."
Tommy winced. He had been expecting this sooner or later. Later would be better though... "Now? My parents..."
"Aren't home," Jason finished, hurt flashing across his eyes for a moment before retreating into the shadows. "I called looking for you this morning and they told me they were going to be gone this weekend and that you've known for about a week and a half now."
Tommy blushed and looked at his feet, "Jase..."
"We need to talk now. Who knows when I'll actually have the chance to next?" Jason hadn't meant to say that, he hadn't meant to be so bitter but Tommy lying to him was the straw that broke the camel's back. He couldn't take this anymore.
Tommy sighed, nodded and opened the front door. He had screwed this up by trying to avoid it. He had only managed to make things worse but if he had the choice, he would have waited even longer.
They sat in an awkward silence on opposite ends of the couch, neither knowing what to say. It was Jason who broke the silence with words he didn't want to say and Tommy didn't want to hear.
"I can't do this anymore, Tommy."
There. The words were out there. They hung in the air, like a dagger over both boys.
Tommy couldn't speak. He had been expecting that but it hurt more than he had thought it would. His throat felt tight and all the breath was locked in his chest. He couldn't have spoken if his life had depended on it.
"I can't deal with you ignoring me and excluding me from nearly everything anymore. You're cutting me out of your life and I can't just let you do it. Jesus, if you wanted to break up with me you could have just done it instead of playing this game, tip toeing around and slowly getting rid of me." Jason looked away, unwilling to let Tommy see how hurt he was.
Tommy's mouthed dropped open. He was too shocked to protest what Jason was saying.
"At least if you had done it that way I could have left, gone to the Peace Conference, done something!" Jason couldn't keep the frustration out of his voice. He had given up that opportunity, that once in a lifetime chance, for Tommy and he didn't regret it, or he wouldn't have if they hadn't been on the verge of breaking up two weeks later.
"Jase..." Tommy tried, but the floodgates had opened now and Jason's couldn't stop.
"And if you think I'm giving up my place on the team you can think again. I don't have the chance to do good in any other way now I'm keeping that one!" Jason spat out. "I don't care if you and I aren't together anymore; I'm not letting you cut me out of that like you're cutting me out of your life."
Tommy paled. "I'd never do that. I'd give up my place on the team before I let you leave. The Rangers need you."
"A few weeks ago I thought you loved me. I'm not sure what you're going to do or not do anymore. I'm not sure of anything," Jason told him bitterly.
"No! That's not that. I do love you," Tommy told him.
Jason snorted. "Those words don't mean a lot to me right now, Tommy. You've already tried to lie to me once tonight."
Tommy cringed. He hadn't counted on this hurting so much. He thought he had prepared himself for this. "I know. I'm sorry."
Jason sighed and left his head drop into his hands. "Why? Why did you even do this in the first place? I thought we had...I figured even if...when...you wanted to break up you wouldn't do it like this. And I didn't expect it to be now."
Tommy remained silent, his eyes on the floor. To Jason he seemed apathetic to the whole situation and that made his patience snap.
"I deserve an explanation dammit!" Jason snapped. "Why have you been doing this to me? You've hurt me enough already. At least give me a fucking explanation for why you decided to screw around with me."
Tommy cringed but still didn't speak. Jason waited, but nothing was forthcoming. He got to his feet, feeling something inside him break from the strain, and started to leave the room.
He was walking down the front hall when Tommy exclaimed, "No!"
Jason turned and saw Tommy at the end of the hall, clearly ready to chase after him if he had to. Tommy knew that if he let Jason walking out that door that was it. The other boy was not coming back. He either fixed this or lost Jason.
"No, don't go. Please." Tommy came to stand beside Jason. He didn't touch him, and it was painful not being able to reach out and grasp his hand, but if he had to he would bodily drag the other boy back into the room. "I...Please, let me explain."
Jason sighed wearily and nodded. He was lost when it came to Tommy. He couldn't stand hearing the pain in his voice, even though Tommy had caused him a lot of pain lately. He still couldn't stand to see him hurting.
They went back into the rec. room and sat down at opposite ends of the couch again. Jason didn't say anything. He was finished, he had no more cards to play and he just felt washed out. Like someone had bled all the colour from him. He would listen to Tommy, he would hope the other boy gave him enough so that they could at least begin to solve this problem between them, but he wasn't counting on anything.
Tommy saw the look of something edging on despair paint Jason's handsome features and instantly disliked the expression on his love. He hated it even more knowing he was the cause. He could fix this, maybe. If Jason thought...And he didn't think...Tommy sighed. He had to try now.
"I...This isn't what you think. I never meant to hurt you," Tommy began. Jason snorted slightly but didn't interrupt. "I don't know when everything got so badly screwed up but...God, this is such a mess."
Tommy paused, trying to figure out what to say, how to put all the stuff he had felt, was feeling, into words even if he didn't understand it all himself. Jason remained silent, giving him the time he needed but not offering any help either. At least he was listening though...
"I guess it started after I lost the Green Ranger powers. You, all of the gang but especially you, went out of your way to make me feel I was still part of the group, even if I couldn't fight. Being with you made it easier for me to deal with not having the power there all the time. I felt...at peace when I was with you guys, and I felt that I would never feel any better than I did when I was with you." Tommy sighed. "You made me feel that not having the power was okay. That just being me was okay and I could deal with that."
"Then I got the chance to go up to Uncle John's cabin and you were going to come up after that science test you had. I figured it didn't get much better than that." Tommy cringed. "I was just getting out of the lake when Zordon teleported me to the Command Center."
Tommy sighed. "He offered me the White Ranger powers and I came close to saying no. I didn't know if I was ready for that yet, especially since I was just getting used to being off duty but I couldn't do it. I still craved the power, I wanted it so I took it. I would get to be a useful part of the team again, I'd get to fight along side you again and, god forbid, if anything happened to you because you didn't have the extra fire power I could provide I would have gone nuts with grief and guilt."
"They feel different, the White Ranger powers. I mean, you saw what holding the Green Ranger powers was like for me. I always felt...dirty when I used them. I knew I'd never be able to escape the shadows left over from when Rita used me." Tommy could see Jason getting ready to protest that.
It made him smile just a little. Jason was not going to give up until he was completely convinced he didn't need to bear the guilt for his time as Rita's forced servant. "I know. It's not my fault. Still, it felt like everything I did with those powers was tainted. The White Ranger powers aren't like that. They're more pure. I guess I kind of saw them as my chance for my redemption as well as my chance to do some good again. You've rubbed off on me in that way, I think."
Tommy was glad to see Jason smile, even if it was just a very, very tiny one, but a shadow fell over his face again and his tone became even more distressed. "Jase, you have to believe me, I didn't know he was going to do it. Zordon didn't tell me before hand, he just did it. I would never do that to you!"
Jason looked at him. He had just completely lost the conversation. "What are you talking about?"
Tommy hung his head. "He made me leader. I didn't know, Jason. I swear I didn't know!"
It was Jason's turn to have his jaw drop. He tried not to laugh but couldn't help letting a little of it escape. Of all the stupid reasons..."That's what this is all about?"
"I...You're not mad?" Tommy asked, confused, relieved and just a bit hurt that Jason was laughing at him.
"No. I guess, I could have been but, no I'm not," Jason told him. "But why were you avoiding me still? I mean, I can understand not wanting to talk to me at first but that was weeks ago."
Tommy blushed, "I thought you were going to break up with me. I didn't want to lose you. I was avoiding you so you wouldn't be able to break up with me. I...I was so sure you would hate me for taking what should still have been yours!"
"Do you really think I'd be that callous?" Jason asked, hurt by Tommy's lack of faith in him. "Do I seem that cold hearted to you? Is that what you think of me even after all this time?"
"I...No, I...I'm sorry," Tommy finished lamely, not daring to look at Jason.
Jason sighed. This was such a mess but...it was still salvageable. He scooted closer to Tommy and gently took his hand. Tommy looked at him hesitantly, relieved to see the small, slightly sad smile on his face. Tommy took the chance and leaned towards his lover, hoping to lean into an embrace.
The arms were there for him. Tommy turned into the embrace and hugged Jason tightly.
"I thought I was going to lose you. It's fucked but that's what I thought..." Tommy whispered fiercely. "It's been a long time since anything hurt that much."
"You're not going to lose me," Jason told him. "I love you. How many times do I have to say that before it sinks in?"
"I don't know. Keep saying it." Tommy paused. "You were never even a bit mad?"
"I was annoyed at first, but only at first and at Zordon, not you, for not even telling me before it happened." Jason hesitated, but figured it would do Tommy good to hear all of what he was feeling. "To tell you the truth I was more relieved than anything."
"I...What?" Tommy had been preparing to apologize again. Hearing Jason was relieved caught him off guard.
"I was kind of relieved to give up command, once I stopped and thought about it for a moment." Jason repeated. "Honestly, I'm not the best leader we could have. I worry too much in the battles; it distracts me and compromises what we can do."
"That's not true. You're a great leader," Tommy protested. "The team..."
"That's it right there. The team, a lot of the time I'm more concerned with the well being of the team than of the people we're trying to protect." Jason cut in. "I can't...When we go out to battle I can't bring myself to take as many risks as I should, at least with you guys. With myself, well, that's where I've gotten a bit reckless before. Zedd has picked up on that and he's doing his best to exploit it."
"There's nothing wrong with trying to keep us safe, Jase," Tommy insisted.
"There is when it's causing damage. So far that's all it's caused, damage to some buildings but sooner or later other people's lives are going to be the cost of me being overprotective. I can't live with that anymore than I could live with myself if one of you got hurt or, God forbid, killed. And if one of you did get killed..." Jason shuddered. "I don't know what I'd do; I just know I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I can't be everyone's big brother and in charge as well. It's too much and sometimes I feel like if I'm spread any thinner there won't be any of me left."
"And you think I can do it?" Tommy asked, unsure and just a bit intimidated by the way Jason was describing leading the team. He had put a lot more thought into it than Tommy had.
"I know you can," Jason replied confidently. "I'm not saying you don't care about the guys, or that you wouldn't be devastated if any of them were hurt, but you can but weigh the cost of, say, Billy getting put into a situation where he could get possibly hurt, maybe even killed, or some people for sure dying and see which is worse. I would flat out refuse to let Billy do it, even if he was willing to, probably try to do it myself and lose some civilian lives along the way."
"I wouldn't put Billy, or anyone else, in harm's way if I didn't have to," Tommy protested.
"I wouldn't do it at all, despite what it might cost. You can. I can't. That's why you make the better leader," Jason replied. "Everyone on the team knows what they're getting into when we go into battle now. They know they could get hurt, even killed, and are willing to take the chance. I just can't let them and now that Zedd has figured that out it's not safe to have me as leader anymore. There's too much at stake."
"I'm not sure I agree with you," Tommy told him.
Jason shrugged, "You will make a great leader. I'm not angry; I'm going to be there to back you up every step of the way."
"While protecting everyone?" Tommy wondered.
"I'm not sure anyone can cure me of that habit," Jason answered. "I'm glad to do it too but above all I want to be for you what you were for me while I was leader."
"What's that?" Tommy asked.
"You were my comfort, the thing keeping me sane; reminding me I didn't have to be perfect. When I'm with you most of the time I don't have to be anything. I just have to be and that's enough," Jason paused. "I don't think I ever thanked you for that."
"You never needed to," Tommy replied, a little bit shaken by Jason's intensity. "I never wanted anything but you. I love you. I need you too, and I need you, not as leader or a big brother, definitely not as a brother, just as you."
It was then that Tommy realized he was really holding Jason while the other boy leaned into his arms for the strength to admit his shortcomings and flaws. This was just as hard for Jason, the person who had always been his rock, as it was for him.
Maybe it was time for him to give some of that back, to step up and shoulder some of the burden Jason was beginning to falter under. Maybe it was time to make things truly equal between them. Now was the chance to do that, but was he strong enough to follow it through?
Tommy felt Jason's fingers drifting across the small of his back. The motion was soothing, grounding. He knew, soon, he would have to think about what it meant to be the leader of their team. He knew he would have to examine himself, like Jason had, if he was ever going to lead the team in anything other than his personal battle for redemption. He had to start thinking for them all, instead of just himself.
And if Jason was so sure he could do it...well, he was willing to believe he could too.
Tommy tilted his head, rubbing his nose against Jason's, catching a glimpse into those warm midnight eyes before their lips sealed together and they lost themselves in each other. They needed this, needed to feel, needed to know it, them, whatever, was still there, still intact even if it had been bruised a bit lately.
When the kiss ended, they reached for each other and that was that. The front door somehow got locked, though neither really knew how, and they managed to make it to Tommy's bedroom. They talked and touched and dozed for most of the night, just letting themselves be in that moment.
The next morning, too early, Rocky called asking Tommy if he wanted to go on a hike or something. Tommy had to admit he didn't pay too much attention to what was being said. He was concentrating on the warm weight of Jason's naked body lying half on top of his, the dark head resting on his chest.
He started to let his fingers drift over the back of his neck, smiling as Jason sighed and snuggled closer in his sleep, and finally told Rocky he was busy, probably would be all weekend, but to try getting Billy out again. Rocky had been fine enough, telling him they would see him Monday and to have fun, wink wink. Tommy had to grin at that. The non-Ranger of the gang was simply irrepressible.
As he hung up the phone, he glanced down and a pair of still sleepy eyes were studying him, making warmth fizzle up inside him. He reached down, Jason reached up, and their lips met again. Hardly anything was right with the world, everything wasn't even right between them, but they had that touch, that heartbeat, and it was enough.
He had never really wanted this to do this leader thing but with both Tommy and Jason in positions where they couldn't really be in charge it looked like it was up to him. Plus he was the only grown up in the midst of six children so he was looked to for decisions by default.
He wasn't enjoying it at the moment.
It might have been okay. No, it would have been if in that last confrontation...
Billy sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn't understand how Tommy and Jason had done it, had managed to hold things together when one of them sustained an injury in battle.
Of course, when they had dealt with team injuries they had not been dealing with a badly hurt teenager turned child. Nor had they had to watch over the oblivious form of their one time saviour, long time friend. Well, Tommy must have felt something similar, perhaps even worse, when Jason had been concussed fighting Goldar that time and Jason placed so much weight on his shoulders when any of them got hurt...
They still did not know what it was like to see their friend, in child form, looking like he had when he had chased the bullies away, laying still and silent under too many monitors. Zordon had assured him that they were not in danger of losing him, that he would recover, and the print out from the monitors only reaffirmed that but still Billy worried.
Jason was completely oblivious to his discomfort. He had not regained consciousness since the battle, since Billy, the only one in his proper form, had failed to protect him. The others did not have a scratch on them but Jason...
Billy did not even really know how it had happened but now, in hindsight, he was cursing himself for not being extra careful. He knew Goldar had always held a grudge against Jason. He should have known the giant flying ape would have tried to attack him now when he was more vulnerable.
Billy sighed again. He could not dwell on this. He had to get the team organized. If they had any chance of fixing this, they had to go after the Zeo crystal. It was the only way. Jason would be okay, they were sending Rocky in his place. When time was right again they could figure out what to do about that as well.
He was just about to go back into the main chamber when Tommy slipped into the Med. Room. Billy had to bit his tongue to keep from groaning. He was not sure who was having a worse time with this, himself or Tommy.
The poor sort of child had been walking around with a pained, bewildered expression since Jason had been hurt. He didn't know what to feel. His eleven year old mind could not quite wrap around the memories he had of himself and Jason. How did you explain to an eleven year old, who thought kissing was a horribly disgusting activity, that it was his lover lying there unconscious?
Billy had given up trying. It would just be harder on Tommy and he had no idea how to do it. All of the children Rangers were having difficulty adjusting, their child minds could not quite comprehend what their near adult minds had. All Billy could do was to try to help and hope they got everything repaired soon.
Little Tommy looked solemnly at the diminished looking figure, connected to too many wires, laying on the scanning bed. He could not figure out why he felt like someone was sitting on his chest when he looked at the pale, unresponsive boy. He did not understand why it felt hard to breathe if he even considered losing him. He knew they had been something, something special, something wonderful but he was operating with the mind of an eleven year old. It was hard to understand all the memories and feelings he had.
But he also knew it made him feel better to touch the cool skin, even though the lifelessness he could feel there made him nauseous it still felt better to be close by. Billy had started to try and explain why he was feeling that way half a dozen times but it had only embarrassed them both.
Tommy knew from his still somewhat muddled memories that Jason was really special to him. So special he knew he would rather be the one laying there hurt if it meant Jason didn't have to be. Even if trading spaces meant he could be hurt.
"Tommy," Billy said quietly. Tommy was startled. He hadn't realized the man was in the room, even though he was sitting right on the other side of the Med. Bed. He shook his head slightly, being around Jason distracted him even like this.
"It's almost time to get going," Billy told him.
Tommy sighed, "I don't want to leave him."
"I know," Billy blushed slightly. Whenever Jason was hurt Tommy was as stubborn as a mule about leaving him alone. "Would it help if I promise to look after him while you are gone?"
Tommy considered it before nodding. "But I still don't want to leave him. Are you sure he'll be okay?"
"Yes. He is not injured too badly. He should wake up within the next few hours," Billy assured him.
"We can't wait until he wakes up to go?" Tommy asked hopefully.
"No. We need to correct time as soon as possible. There could be permanent consequences if it remains in this regressed state for too long." Billy was not sure what those effects were but the research he had done showed they could begin to take place soon.
Tommy wrinkled his nose slightly as he sorted out the words. "Oh. But isn't he supposed to be a Ranger, not Rocky?"
"That will have to be figured out when you return," Billy told him.
Tommy sighed and nodded in agreement. He did not like it but some memory, responsibility, part of him...something made him know it was what he had to do, even if he didn't like it.
He let go of the limp hand, gently placing is back at Jason's side. He stared at the young, peaceful face for a moment longer then, on impulse, leaned over, and kissed Jason's pale cheek.
Billy made a surprised noise and Tommy blushed in embarrassment before rushing from the room to join the others in the main chamber. Billy followed a moment later, shaking his head. Jason had to be awake by the time they returned, Tommy needed him to be.
Tommy sighed as he reached up and stroked Jason's dark hair gently. The other man seemed to be doing his best to take years of Tommy's life and his own as well! Ever since he had come back as the Gold Ranger there had been too many near misses.
And now...Tommy sighed again as he looked at the sleeping face carefully. Now they could move on from all that. So much had happened since the Zeo quest...
Of course, coming back from his quest to find Jason alert and alive again was a relief. He had rushed for Jason and hugged him tightly, not quite daring enough to do what he really wanted to do. Jason hugged back just as hard, sharing a relieved smile with him when they pulled away.
Things had gone downhill from there.
It was a surprise when after turning forward time, then having the command center blow up, and rediscovering the newly constructed Power Chamber, Jason decided to give his powers to Rocky saying in jest that he wouldn't look as good in blue.
It put of bit of strain on the team, at first, having two rookie Rangers around as Billy had given up "his" powers to Tanya too. It was odd, having the two veterans retire.
But Rocky and Tanya had come into their own soon enough, plus Jason and Billy were not really gone, they were just more behind the scenes.
Having them around, if not active in the powers sense, made the transition easier.
Tommy, of course, was not satisfied with the flippant answer Jason gave the rest of them in the Power Chamber but he would not bring it up in front of the others. He knew there had to be a reason for Jason's silence.
He had kept his questions unvoiced until the retired to Jason's house later that evening. Jason's parents were away, his mother had accompanied his father on a business trip to New York, and would be gone for another four days.
It was only after much humming and hawing from both sets of parents that the two lovers had been allowed to stay there together. They had spent weekends alone together before, but never over four days, with Jason's parents being gone for over a week in total.
Mrs. Oliver had been over to check on them more than a few times so far, once at a very inopportune moment they had scarcely been able to cover up, but they both liked the freedom, and time together, it gave them.
Tommy had liked it even more at that moment when Jason looked uncomfortable before he even brought his abdication up. At least they wouldn't be interrupted during what looked to be an unpleasant discussion.
"So, you want to tell me what's up?" Tommy had begun, knowing Jason would understand what he meant.
Jason sighed and nodded. "Yeah, just let me get a drink first. Do you want one?"
"Yeah," Tommy answered. Before he could say anything further his stomach let out a loud protest, surprising both boys. When Jason's stomach echoed the sentiment they broke into laughter.
"Food too," Jason chuckled with a quirky grin.
"Good plan," Tommy replied, following Jason into the kitchen. The last time Jason tried to bring out two plates and two cups lots of glass and soda ended up on the floor.
They ended up with re-heated casserole. It wasn't that either of them couldn't cook, or at least prepare somewhat edible meals, but they were tired and wanted something fast so sticking ready-made food in the microwave seemed like a good idea.
'They ate in near silence as it was the first time they had eaten since before Tommy went on his quest and Jason awoke in the Command Center, and once the first bite touched their tongues the rest needed to be in their stomachs right at that moment.
It was too hard to take the time to speak between bites.
Leaving the dishes in the sink, they decided to forego any further activity and curled up in bed instead.
It had been a long day; both of them were pretty drained.
He was slipping under the covers when Tommy remembered he hadn't gotten an answer from Jason yet. In fact, his lover had been uncharacteristically quiet while they got ready for bed. Tommy frowned, his expression lightening only marginally when Jason came out of the bathroom, crawled into bed, and snuggled up beside him.
Tommy let his fingers play across Jason's shoulder as the other man rolled onto his side, letting his head rest on Tommy's shoulder, and snaked an arm around Tommy's waist. Jason sighed, laying there for a moment before speaking, "I guess you want to know why I didn't want Rocky's powers."
"I hadn't thought of the right way to ask yet," Tommy confirmed.
Jason let his fingers tickle down Tommy's side absentmindedly and Tommy had to suppress his giggles. Interrupting Jason's thoughts would get them no where fast. "I'm not sure I know how to explain."
"I never know how to explain. You make me anyway and it tends to work out," Tommy commented.
Jason was silent for a moment more. "Do you remember when I held your Green Rangers powers for awhile when you lost them the first time?"
"Yeah."
Jason shifted slightly, "Do you remember how I said it never felt right, having those powers? That it felt like I was in someone else's skin and I just couldn't make them work the same way?"
"Yeah."
Jason shrugged, looking uncomfortable. "It felt like that, only worse when I even came near the Zeo crystal, especially the Blue Shard. I don't know how but I know that those powers are not meant for me. I'm not even sure I could concentrate properly if I tried to use them. And..."
"And?" Tommy prompted when Jason paused.
"And, I don't know, it just feels like there's something else I'm meant for, like something else is coming. That just reinforced the sense of wrongness I got when I even consider taking any Ranger powers." Jason shuddered once. "It's creeping me out a bit but I just know that I couldn't use those powers, even if I had been the one who had quested for them."
Tommy hesitated. He had learned over the course of being a Ranger that it was generally a good idea to trust instincts that were that strong but the sense of precognition was a bit, well, odd. "I'm sure it's nothing, probably just left over stuff from today."
"Mmm. I hope your right," Jason agreed, more than ready to get off the topic. He smirked before leaning over slightly and attaching his lips to Tommy's neck. "Want to help distract me though?"
Tommy's response was to cover Jason's lips with his own so no more talking was necessary.
When Trey arrived and Jason became the Gold Ranger Tommy looked at him a little funny for days. It had been a surprise for Jason too. It had been a bit too much of a coincidence for comfort.
It had been great for awhile, until the Gold Ranger powers began sapping Jason's body of all its strength. Then Tommy had to watch as Jason became weak and ill before his eyes. The others did not know just how bad things had gotten, how close they came to losing their friend. Tommy did though. He had held Jason when the pain of the powers draining away was at its worst, had been there when Jason's body chemistry fluctuated so badly he began to have seizures. The others hadn't seen that, they did not even know it had happened.
If they had not been lovers Tommy got the feeling he would not have known either but they were and they had promised there would be no more secrets between them. Not since miscommunication and guilt nearly lead to them breaking up all that time ago. No, Jason did not like to show weakness in front of his friends, even ones with as close a bond as forged between Rangers, but with Tommy...it was just different.
Those moments were some of the most terrifying of Tommy's life. There was little he could do when Jason was curled up against him, gritting his teeth against the pain until the medication Zordon had provided him with started kicking in except try and talk him through it. There was absolutely nothing he could do when Jason's body began to convulse, except watch and wait with frightened eyes.
They had been able to transfer the Gold Ranger powers in time to reverse most of the damage that had been done. The only lingered affect was the inability to hold Ranger powers but, in Tommy's mind at least, that mattered very little compared to what they could have lost.
They had managed to save Jason but it had come too close. Sometimes Tommy dreamt they had not managed to get the power to Trey back in time; that Jason had just wasted away before their eyes...
Tommy shuddered once. He was not going to go there. It was bad enough to deal with when he had those dreams. He did not want to drag them up now when it was very evident from the warm body beneath him, the arms around him, that it had not happened.
Maybe that was why he seemed to always rest his head against Jason's chest, over his heart, whenever it was possible. He gravitated to that spot where he could listen to the soft steady thumps. Whenever he heard that unwavering rhythm he felt warmth spread through him, right down to his toes. He knew as long as that heart kept beating he would have a place within it.
He smiled slightly, tracing the smooth skin up to Jason's shoulder before laying his arm against him. They didn't have to worry about it anymore though. Oh sure, he had said that when Jason lost his powers, that he wasn't a ranger anymore, he wouldn't be a target, and then that whole Divatox mess had happened. Tommy grimaced as he shoved those thoughts away too.
No, neither of them were Rangers now. There was no reason for any evil being to come anywhere near them any longer. They could just relax for awhile, until college started, and then they could start having lives instead of just interludes between saving the world.
Tommy smiled, what a nice thought, being normal for awhile, just having a bit of peace...
Jason made a soft, sleepy sound, his arms tightening across Tommy's back. He smiled, tilting his head up enough to press his lips against Jason's collar bone. Then he settled against him, more than ready to follow his lover into sleep amid the warm, safe cocoon of blankets.
Yeah, it was time they both had a little peace.