ZenZen stared doubtfully at her email. "Non-Story?" She yelled in outrage, "My fic is SO a story! You deleted my fic because you thought it was 'non-story'?"
Resisting the urge to punch a hole through the computer screen (you'd get electrocuted, she said to herself, plus you probably will have to pay for the new computer), ZenZen quickly gathered up her bags and hurried out of the library. Just as well, since everyone was starting to look at her weird.
"I can't believe they did this to me," she complained to her parents in the car, "it's so totally unfair of them. My fic is a story! How dare they say it's not? Yeah, sure it could pass as an essay, but the italics are all story-like thingies."
Her parents exchanged worried glances in the review mirror, wondering if their daughter had finally cracked. "It's okay," ZenZen's mum soothed the fuming writer, but obviously had no idea what was going on, "you could repost your fic… with more story like properties."
ZenZen continued to sulk. "Not fair… that was my best fic out of the lot."
"Here, since you're so unhappy, and since we still owe you a Birthday present, how about we go to Target and let you pick out something?" Her dad offered.
"Meh," ZenZen shrugged, knowing that she would never pass up an opportunity to ask her parents for new CDs, "yeah, okay."
~~~
Sitting happily in the backseat, ZenZen hugged her new plaything tighter to her chest, her mood improved greatly from how it was before.
"Huhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…" it gasped as it felt ZenZen's grip tighten around its body, "let…go… must… have… air… or…else… die… forever… not… live…"
The very eccentric writer giggled and loosened her grip somewhat, but still refused to put the plaything down.
"Did you really need a lava lamp?" ZenZen's mum asked, looking doubtfully at the tiny figure in her daughter's arms, "and did you have to pick one that talked? A broken talking lava lamp?"
"Sure I did," ZenZen replied cheerfully, "and this is not any ordinary talking lava lamp either. His name is Frodo Baggins, and he's a broken hobbit-like lava lamp of the Shire."
She smiled down at the struggling Frodo proudly. "Isn't he so adorable?"
~~~
Frodo is not a broken lava lamp… yet sometimes I wonder: is he Frodo Baggins, or just a broken lava lamp in disguise? The answer is uncertain, as we cannot dissect Frodo and know for sure what he really is, but in the meantime, I must work hard to convince you that the Ringbearer is not a broken lava lamp.
Frodo is not broken, for one. A broken lava lamp spills its contents just because it's, well, broken. If Frodo bears any resemblance to this, then he'd be spilling his guts (literally) and would be a lot deader than he appears to be.
Frodo has quite curly hair. And unless you cut off all of it and stick it on the lamp, a broken lava lamp can never have hair (ha! Baldie!) so therefore he can never be Frodo. Even if you did do that, then it'll mean that Frodo won't have any hair left anymore, and he can't be a broken lava lamp anyway.
Frodo likes Gandalf. He respects him, looks up to him. A broken lava lamp does not. In fact, a broken lava lamp can't tell Gandalf from a piece of poo. Even though it'd be quite entertaining to see the broken lava lamp hang on to the poo's every word (assuming that it can speak in the first place), you have to admit it's totally different to Frodo hanging onto Gandalf's every word.
Frodo is 50+ when he goes to deliver the Ring to Rivendell, I'd like to see you trying to find a 50-year-old broken lava lamp.
Frodo got stabbed by a Ringwraith. No matter how hard you try, you will not get a Ringwraith to stab a broken lava lamp. It'll probably stab you instead.
Broken lava lamps need to be fixed. Frodo does not. Don't deny it, you know you can't go running to Frodo and yelling, "you need fixing! Let me fix you! Fix yooooooooou!" at the top of your lungs.
When a lava lamp is broken, you might not want to fix it, but to throw it away. DO NOT EVEN SUGGEST THROWING FRODO AWAY YOU LITTLE- besides, what can you do? Grab Frodo and dump him in the nearest rubbish bin?
There are (basically) three whole books for Frodo (or more or less, depends on which way you see it), but there is none for the broken lava lamp. While the lamp's feeling may be hurt slightly, you can't really complain. Yes, I vow I WILL write a book for the broken lava lamp, and I WILL marry Legolas, and I WILL become the Lord of Mordor and I WILL take over the world with my Mutant Coconut troops…
Yes my friends, do not be doubtful, for Frodo is not a broken lava lamp. No I don't care what the insane flying purple cows said, he still isn't.
~End
Disclaimer: Second time around, and I STILL don't own anything…
A/N: Well, it got deleted, because of obvious reasons (read the first few paragraphs). But I am back! And I will add a little story thingie in every chapter, so they have no excuse to delete it. How could they? It wouldn't be a 'list; announcement or non-story', because there is no list, it isn't announcing anything, and there are stories in it.
Okies, I think I've rambled enough now… will post the second chapter in a few days… you know you want it… yeah, it's gonna be why Legolas isn't a Mad Magazine.
IMPORTANT NOTE: if you would like to be in the short story at the start of the fic, either email me, or just tell me in a review. Keep in mind that you will most likely be stabbed, shot, amputated, and disfigured a lot, as they do. It is also possible, however, that you might end up living happily ever after with your idol. So if you want your name in this fic, tell me. ^-^