Dedicated, for her help in this fic and others, with all my love, to Astraea Trepe.
Also with many many thanks to Race Ulfson, KNW and deamonryu for letting me bounce ideas and scenes off them with no idea of what the hell I'm doing.

(thanks to Nytedancer for the title idea)

The characters, places, etc are the property of Square and I make no claim. I am making no money from this.

Chapter one.

The light. It was so perfect. The winter sunshine spilling golden through the breathtakingly cold air. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting the faint heat kiss his chilled skin, a blessed whisper of warmth and a promise of the spring and summer to come. The burning in his lungs subsided a moment before he coughed, the sound harsh in the otherwise silent, harbour. He opened his eyes again a little, watching the ripples shimmer and flicker in the sunlight. With his arms wrapped around himself, he took a step closer to the edge.

"Gonna jump?"

The voice surprised him, made him jump, skittering a little closer to the edge. "No, I am not going to jump." He sent a glare at the one who'd spoken.

"Good." Irvine flashed him a lazy grin and strolled up beside him. "'Cause it's too damn cold to jump in after ya."

"If I did jump, who's to say I'd want to be saved." He murmured and looked back out to the harbour.

Irvine didn't hear the comment, or if he did, he chose to ignore it. "You worried about them?"

Was he? No. Quistis and Selphie could handle anything a little island had to throw at them. It wasn't the island closest to hell, nor that closest to heaven, the monsters were practically beneath their skills but they had asked to go. They had wanted breaks from their desks as much as he had. A slight shake of his head dismissed Irvine's question.

"Then what's wrong Squall?"

"Just thinking."

"'Bout Rinoa?" Irvine asked gently.

He shook his head again. "Nothing."

"You can't think about nothing Squall. Means your heads empty like Rin's." A small smile graced his lips and Irvine's grin widened. "Well, whaddya know, he can smile. I know that look Squall, you're lost in your own lil' world and you ain't gonna let no one in."

"Then why did you ask?" He looked back out as the soft chugging of an engine sounded the return of the transporter.

"Gotta keep hopin' you'll actually tell us one of these days."

"Maybe I will." He murmured. The vessel pulled up to the dock, a faint whirr accompanying the lowering of the gangway. The girls stepped off and waved, receiving a curt nod from Squall and a hearty "hey there!" from Irvine in return.

Squall allowed the Galbadian cowboy long enough to greet them before calling him. "We have to go. The train leaves soon."

"See you when we get back girls." Irvine waved as he jogged back to his commander and they headed for the station.

********

"So commander, what got ya out from behind that desk?" Irvine dropped his bag on the floor of the SeeD car. "Thought you were goin' soft on us."

"You've read the mission briefing." Irvine nodded and dropped onto a seat as the train started. Squall waited a moment, half expecting another trip into the past under Ellone's guidance.

"I have. Wonderin' why you wanna go back there and why you want me with you." Irvine removed his hat and dropped it onto the seat beside him. "Thought Zell woulda been more suitable for this mission, seeing as he's got unarmed combat experience."

"His temper isn't suitable." Squall perched on the bed and checked his junctions. "And don't you think it's about time I spent a little time in the field?"

"Yeah… but…"

Squall looked at his gloved hands, remembering the burns that the electrocution torture had left him with. Remembering Irvine's questioning gaze as he'd washed his wrists and palms off on their way back to Balamb Garden before curing them. "The regime has changed since then Irvine." He tried desperately not to remember Seifer. The look in his eyes, his brutal touch…

Irvine gave him a faintly sorrowful look

"What kind of a commander would I be if I sent my SeeDs in to do a job I couldn't face myself?"  Squall dragged a gloved hand through his nutmeg locks and turned that ice cold silver grey gaze on Irvine. "It would be cowardly."

"You scare me Squall."

Squall blinked in surprise at the comment but that was the only change in his façade to show the shock. "Why?"

"You're so professional for a eighteen year old. Don't you have any fun?"

"I have a job to do."

"Squall, you're gonna have a heart attack by the time you're twenty five."

"I am not."

"Yeah you are. You don't unwind and you're too much of a perfectionist." Irvine stretched with a satisfied sigh. "Since Rinoa left you hardly even come out with us."

"The only reason I did when she was here was because she dragged me."

Irvine chuckled. "I'll get Selphie to do that then."

"Please don't."

Squall removed the mission briefing from him jacket pocket and re read it. He knew it by heart already, having written the entire thing himself. Infiltrate the facility known as d-district prison and liberate prisoner number 51962. The plan went into further detail but it was vague at best, but there was little information to go on.

Zell would have been useful, but his short temper would probably get them in trouble. So he'd chosen Irvine, believing that two could infiltrate more effectively than a full team. It was breaking out that would be the problem though.

They'd find a way.

I watched as my stoic commander paced the floor, his youthful face closed down, showing no emotion other than looking faintly lost. I wondered absently how Rinoa could have done it. Got through to him, made him talk, made him feel then just turned around and walked out without so much as a good bye til she was far enough away to not have to see those beautiful silver-grey eyes looks so damn sad. Even if I lived to be a thousand, I wouldn't forgive the bitch for makin' Squall look like that.

There were two sides to my unerring appreciation of Squall. The side that wanted to take care of him, to make sure no one hurt the fragile but ever sturdy young man.

And the side that wanted to pull him close and kiss him breathless. To touch him. Taste him.

Fuck him.

Not gonna happen though. Rin had put a stop to all that with her thoughtless, scatter brained self-centeredness. She'd tried to change him and I guess, to a certain extent had succeeded, for a while at least.

He remembered how she'd complained about Squall always wearing so much leather. Blind bitch had no taste. Squall's ass was made for leather. Tight as he could stand. Squall had wanted to please her though, and the next day, had turned up at a picnic Selphie had arranged wearing blue jeans and a white muscle tee. He could make even the simplest of clothes looks so damn sexy it hurt.

Rin had left that day. Not told a soul.

Squall had shrugged and made a half hearted excuse about her being busy with Timber resistance. He'd kept smiling though, not as much as usual. Even been kinda playful for him. Selphie had claimed my hat before the commander had arrived, and when he'd told her of the budget total for her winter festival she'd thrown herself at him, hugged him and placed the black cowboy hat on his head with a beaming smile.

Squall didn't take it off.

Until we had to go back I mean.

I'd been in his office as he took the call on speakerphone, I was supposed to be giving a report on the mission I'd completed the previous day.  She was always Rinoa to him. He never shortened her name, never gave her a nick name, think he thought it was disrespectful. He only calls Selphie Selph or even Seff because she asked him to.

"Squall?"

"Rinoa, where were you?" Gods the concern in his voice was damned awful.

"Um… I'm in Timber Squall. Look, I can' do this, I need space. I feel so crowded I can't breathe. So I'm leaving you."  Now I know Squall hides his emotions, that he hates lettin' everyone know what he's feeling but Hyne the way that cold expression slammed down damn near made me jump. He couldn't hide the pain in his eyes though.

"Rinoa…" almost sounded like a plea.

"I won't change my mind. I left your ring on your bed."

With a click, the line went dead and he turned to look at me. "You can give your report later Irvine, you're dismissed."

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry." 

He waved it away and shook his head. "Forget it. I'd like to be alone, if you don't mind."

I stood up and walked to the door. "Ya know you deserve better Squall."

I coulda sworn I'd heard him say "I don't deserve anything." as I left. Wish I'd asked him what he meant back then. He was still pacing the floor, he was gonna wear a hole in the floor and drop onto the tracks if he didn't stop.

"Squall, will you sit down? You're makin' me dizzy." 

He looked up at me all confused for a second. "Oh. Sorry." He sat down next to me, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.

"What's wrong? You thinkin' about the mission?" He nodded, still lost in thought and I wondered if he'd even notice if I stripped and did the chocobo dance. From that look on his face, I was guessing the answer was gonna be no.

"Mm." He murmured.

"Squall, we'll be fine, We'll go in, stick around a few days then get our asses out. Okay?" 

"Sure." He looked at me like he believed me and leant back in his seat and was lost in thought again before you could say "Cactaur's spiky balls."  You can tell when he's thinkin' about work, he kinda pouts just a little, lips barely apart and Hyne that boy has a pretty mouth. One of those mouths that just begs to be kissed. I hoped this mission was gonna be short or I wasn't going to make it through this without tryin' somethin'.

END CHAPTER ONE

Author's Notes.

Finally got the first chapter off the ground. I've been working on scenes for this on and off since January and it still isn't anywhere near finished. Thank you for reading.