"We can't do this anymore"
The words tumbled out of my mouth before I even realized it. I had delayed saying these very words for so long. Each day it got harder to say them. But, I knew they had to be said. It was for the best.
"Do what anymore?" asked the pink bundle in my arms.
I stood up abruptly and stood by the window, lighting a cigarette. I needed something to calm my nerves.
"This." I stated plainly, as if it explained everything.
He stared at me with those violet eyes that made me want to take him right there. I shook my head. I'm Yuki Eiri. I want no man, no woman, no one at all. So how can those two eyes, very plain in fact, have this effect on me.
"Yuki, I don't understand. What can't we do anymore?" He asked slowly.
I knew what he was doing. He was trying not to invoke my anger. Yea, well, I thought. It isn't working.
"Don't be stupid. You know exactly what I'm talking about. This! This." For being a writer, I sure was having a hard time putting it into words. It was as if my subconscious wasn't letting me say the words I knew I'd dread. I scowled. Why wasn't this going as I had planned?
I slammed my hand against the window in frustration. He flinched.
"Look," I managed to spit out, a bit more harshly than I planned. "You can't stay here anymore. I want you to leave."
He said nothing. He just stared at his hands, playing with his fingers. For once, he had nothing to say. I was surprised. No manic crying, no panic cries of "Yuki! No! You can't mean this!" Just.silence.
"Did you hear me, stupid?" I stated calmly, my voice wavering a bit. I still faced the window. I didn't want to look at his face. I was too afraid I would burst into tears. I'm Yuki Eiri. I don't burst into tears.
"I heard you." The voice finally croaked out. "And you're right. I've been thinking about this for a while now. It's over between us, isn't Yuki?"
I was stunned. This.this wasn't right. I mean, sure.the whole purpose was to get this pink haired moron out of my life but.No, wait! That's not what I wanted at all!! Whose crazy idea was this anyway?
I stood in stony silence, cursing the brain that forced me to say the words that betrayed my heart. He sat there still, not moving. How could he be so calm in all this when it was I, I, who was shaking? I am Yuki Eiri. I do not shake. In fact, I have no emotions, save the ones I write down on paper.
He sighed and stood up. I dared not turn around for fear of collapsing in front of him. I just stood there, holding my cigarette that I had barely touched. It was then that I heard the words I never thought I'd hear from his lips.
"Goodbye, Yuki."
And with that, he walked out the door. I never turned around, not even once. When the door shut, I sat down on the couch and calmly smoked my cigarette. This is for the best, I thought. I am alone again. This is how I always pictured myself. A lone writer, free to do whatever and whomever he so desires. It's quite thrilling being able to sit with one self and be absolutely content.
Shut up, said a voice from deep inside me, a voice I'd rather have stayed silent. You don't believe any of that shit. You're only hurting yourself, you know. Swallow your pride for once! He's probably right outside the door, waiting for you to welcome him back. If you don't do it now, you'll regret it.
God, how I hated that voice. It sounded like a cheesy old movie. But, I was compelled to follow its orders.
"I'm just checking to see if the paper has come." I mumbled to no one.
I walked over to the door, each step making my heart pound one beat faster. Not because of him, I told myself. I'm just not used to such strenuous activities. Cigarettes can severely cut down on your oxygen intake.
I reached the door knob and hesitated. What did I expect to do if someone was on the other side?
I swung the door open. "Stupid." I called out into the darkness. "Come on inside before you catch cold."
There was silence. I blinked and stepped out onto the porch.
No one was there.
I stood there for a minute, stunned. Then, slowly, shut the door again and locked it. I slumped against the door, still amazed at what I had found.
He wasn't there. He actually left. I am Yuki Eiri. Nobody leaves Yuki Eiri.
But, he did.
That night I did something I very rarely did. Something I hadn't done since that night in New York many years ago.
I screamed.
Hiroshi Nakano was woken up for the second time this night. The first time he found a very pleasant surprise on the other end of the door. Now, he realized as he opened the door, that pleasant surprise was going to have to take a back seat.
"Shuichi!" Hiro said in alarm.
There was his best friend standing in his boxers and undershirt. No shoes, no coat, nothing to indicate that he had just been outside in freezing weather. Shuichi looked up at Hiro, his one hand holding onto his other arm in a defeated manner.
"Hi Hiro." He said without a smile. "Mind if I stay here for the night?"
"Of course." Hiro said quickly, ushering his friend inside to his warm apartment. "But, what are you doing here at this time of night? Aren't you supposed to be with Yuki?"
Shuichi flinched at the sound of Yuki's name. Hiro's blood ran cold. Something happened.something bad.
Hiro calmly looked his friend in the eye. "What happened, Shuichi?"
Shuichi's eyes focused on Hiro's. They no longer held that spark of life that was the embodiment of Shuichi. They were dead eyes.
"I'd rather talk about it later. I'm really tired. I'll just crash on the couch." Shuichi said mono toned. Hiro watched as Shuichi walked, zombie like, to the couch. He then lay down with a sigh, closed his eyes, and fell fast asleep. Something inside Hiro snapped.
He walked back to his bedroom and started locating his clothes.
"What's wrong?" a sleepy voice from the bed muttered. "Who was at the door?"
"Just Shuichi, he's going to crash here tonight." Hiro said as he threw on his leather jacket. Ayaka sat up with a start.
"Shuichi? Is there something wrong that I should know about?" She sounded alarmed.
"No, no he's fine. I just have to.check something." Hiro said. Ayaka wasn't convinced.
"Are you sure?"
Hiro gave her a kiss. "When do I ever do anything I'm not sure about?" She giggled.
"Only about once every day."
"So this is my one time today. I'll be back in a bit. Don't wait up." Hiro grabbed his keys and hurried out the door. He had to see what was going on, for Shuichi's sake.
I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a beer. I stared at it for what seemed like 10 min. No, beer will not do. I thought. I want something stronger. I put the beer back and wandered over to my liquor cabinet. I opened it and stared at.nothing. There were no bottles! I know I had at least 10 bottles of assorted drinks. Where the hell did they go? I couldn't have possibly drunk all that since the last time I checked here.
I felt around the dusty cabinet for one stray bottle. There was none. But I did find something that I thought was a random piece of paper. I pulled it out to throw it away when I noticed there was writing on it:
BAD YUKI! No Alcohol For You! ^_^
So, I threw away all the bad stuff.
Don't be mad.
Love,
Shuichi
"Stupid kid." I muttered. "When he gets back."
That's right. He left. He's not coming back.
I walked over to my computer. There was one bottle of Vodka I hid for emergencies. And this was such an emergency. I took a swig from the bottle, and my ulcer rebelled. I was doubled over in pain, when the doorbell rang.
"Dammit!!" I grunted.
The doorbell rang again.and again. It was as if the ringer had ADD or OCD or something that compelled him to keep ringing that DAMN BELL!
"SHUICHI!" I yelled in pain. "GET THE DOOR!"
Shit. I thought. He can't. He's not here.
The doorbell stopped ringing. But that's when the knocking began. I hobbled over to the door and threw it open.
"What the hell do you want?" I asked whoever was knocking at my door. I really couldn't see that well. My glasses had fallen off, not to mention the fact that I was still in immense pain. When I finally focused on who it was, I noticed it was that idiot's friend, Hiroshi or something like that. He was standing there gawking at me. I figured he was here looking for that moron.
"He's not here. He left. He's not coming back. Don't bother me again." I said, going to slam the door in his face. But, he stopped it with his foot and forced his way in.
"What have you done to Shuichi?" He asked me, trying to sound threatening. I laughed. Well, about as much as I could laugh with a belly full of fire. I managed to make it to the couch without bending over. Didn't want his friend to think I was aching for him or anything melodramatic like that. It was just, this pain!
"Well? What have you done to him?" He asked me again, sounding like a Spanish Inquisitor.
"Nothing" I answered honestly.
"Bull shit!" He spat at me. "Shuichi came to my apartment not 15 minutes ago and it sure as hell didn't look like 'nothing'. What did you say to him this time?"
Thank God, he made it to Hiroshi's without any problems. My heart gave a sigh of relief. But then reality set in. He's not mine to worry over anymore.
"I didn't do anything. He left me. Perhaps you should ask him, I'm sure he'd give you a better idea of what happened." I glared at him. He had no right to come in here and demand to know what had happened. As if I did something wrong. Who does he think he is, trying to threaten me?
"You didn't do anything? I find that hard to believe. He came walking into my apartment totally defeated. He looked the same way after ASK had their way with him, so I find it difficult to." That's all Hiro got out. I jumped up off the couch, the pain in my stomach be damned, and pushed him against the wall.
"Are you suggesting," I growled, "that I forced myself on him like those, those, animals?"
"Well, it does look that way." He stared me down. He actually believed that's what happened. I banged his head against the wall.
"If you ever compare me to people like that again, I swear to you, I will kill you." I let him go. He seemed to have gotten the message.
"Now get out of my house."
Hiro left. I heard the door slam and his motorcycle start up. I lit another cigarette, but didn't smoke it. That's how Shuichi looked, I thought. It hurt. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but it hurt to hear that Shuichi looked dead on the inside. Perhaps it was for the best he left. It seems I killed another love. Only this time, I did it all by myself. Shuichi never did anything, except be stupidly, annoyingly loud and bouncy. He never hurt me. Until now, that is.
I kept rethinking about the events that took place. I shouldn't have said what I did, but I always manage to say stupid things like that. I mean, that's who I am. I push people away when I really need them the most. Shuichi always saw through my act, but now...
I've been thinking about this for awhile now.It's over between us, isn't Yuki?
I growled in frustration. What the hell did he mean by that? Thinking about what exactly? About leaving me? Was he just waiting for the right moment to tell me he didn't love me anymore and had found someone else? Was that it?
I slammed my fist into the coffee table. Whoever had stolen my Shuichi away had better be prepared for a battle. I don't let people walk away from me. I do the walking away. It's not over until I say it's over.
I thought you didn't care about him, said the annoying little voice that just wouldn't shut up lately.
It has nothing to do with love or caring, I assured the annoying voice. He hurt my honor, and now, I'm just about to get it back.
The words tumbled out of my mouth before I even realized it. I had delayed saying these very words for so long. Each day it got harder to say them. But, I knew they had to be said. It was for the best.
"Do what anymore?" asked the pink bundle in my arms.
I stood up abruptly and stood by the window, lighting a cigarette. I needed something to calm my nerves.
"This." I stated plainly, as if it explained everything.
He stared at me with those violet eyes that made me want to take him right there. I shook my head. I'm Yuki Eiri. I want no man, no woman, no one at all. So how can those two eyes, very plain in fact, have this effect on me.
"Yuki, I don't understand. What can't we do anymore?" He asked slowly.
I knew what he was doing. He was trying not to invoke my anger. Yea, well, I thought. It isn't working.
"Don't be stupid. You know exactly what I'm talking about. This! This." For being a writer, I sure was having a hard time putting it into words. It was as if my subconscious wasn't letting me say the words I knew I'd dread. I scowled. Why wasn't this going as I had planned?
I slammed my hand against the window in frustration. He flinched.
"Look," I managed to spit out, a bit more harshly than I planned. "You can't stay here anymore. I want you to leave."
He said nothing. He just stared at his hands, playing with his fingers. For once, he had nothing to say. I was surprised. No manic crying, no panic cries of "Yuki! No! You can't mean this!" Just.silence.
"Did you hear me, stupid?" I stated calmly, my voice wavering a bit. I still faced the window. I didn't want to look at his face. I was too afraid I would burst into tears. I'm Yuki Eiri. I don't burst into tears.
"I heard you." The voice finally croaked out. "And you're right. I've been thinking about this for a while now. It's over between us, isn't Yuki?"
I was stunned. This.this wasn't right. I mean, sure.the whole purpose was to get this pink haired moron out of my life but.No, wait! That's not what I wanted at all!! Whose crazy idea was this anyway?
I stood in stony silence, cursing the brain that forced me to say the words that betrayed my heart. He sat there still, not moving. How could he be so calm in all this when it was I, I, who was shaking? I am Yuki Eiri. I do not shake. In fact, I have no emotions, save the ones I write down on paper.
He sighed and stood up. I dared not turn around for fear of collapsing in front of him. I just stood there, holding my cigarette that I had barely touched. It was then that I heard the words I never thought I'd hear from his lips.
"Goodbye, Yuki."
And with that, he walked out the door. I never turned around, not even once. When the door shut, I sat down on the couch and calmly smoked my cigarette. This is for the best, I thought. I am alone again. This is how I always pictured myself. A lone writer, free to do whatever and whomever he so desires. It's quite thrilling being able to sit with one self and be absolutely content.
Shut up, said a voice from deep inside me, a voice I'd rather have stayed silent. You don't believe any of that shit. You're only hurting yourself, you know. Swallow your pride for once! He's probably right outside the door, waiting for you to welcome him back. If you don't do it now, you'll regret it.
God, how I hated that voice. It sounded like a cheesy old movie. But, I was compelled to follow its orders.
"I'm just checking to see if the paper has come." I mumbled to no one.
I walked over to the door, each step making my heart pound one beat faster. Not because of him, I told myself. I'm just not used to such strenuous activities. Cigarettes can severely cut down on your oxygen intake.
I reached the door knob and hesitated. What did I expect to do if someone was on the other side?
I swung the door open. "Stupid." I called out into the darkness. "Come on inside before you catch cold."
There was silence. I blinked and stepped out onto the porch.
No one was there.
I stood there for a minute, stunned. Then, slowly, shut the door again and locked it. I slumped against the door, still amazed at what I had found.
He wasn't there. He actually left. I am Yuki Eiri. Nobody leaves Yuki Eiri.
But, he did.
That night I did something I very rarely did. Something I hadn't done since that night in New York many years ago.
I screamed.
Hiroshi Nakano was woken up for the second time this night. The first time he found a very pleasant surprise on the other end of the door. Now, he realized as he opened the door, that pleasant surprise was going to have to take a back seat.
"Shuichi!" Hiro said in alarm.
There was his best friend standing in his boxers and undershirt. No shoes, no coat, nothing to indicate that he had just been outside in freezing weather. Shuichi looked up at Hiro, his one hand holding onto his other arm in a defeated manner.
"Hi Hiro." He said without a smile. "Mind if I stay here for the night?"
"Of course." Hiro said quickly, ushering his friend inside to his warm apartment. "But, what are you doing here at this time of night? Aren't you supposed to be with Yuki?"
Shuichi flinched at the sound of Yuki's name. Hiro's blood ran cold. Something happened.something bad.
Hiro calmly looked his friend in the eye. "What happened, Shuichi?"
Shuichi's eyes focused on Hiro's. They no longer held that spark of life that was the embodiment of Shuichi. They were dead eyes.
"I'd rather talk about it later. I'm really tired. I'll just crash on the couch." Shuichi said mono toned. Hiro watched as Shuichi walked, zombie like, to the couch. He then lay down with a sigh, closed his eyes, and fell fast asleep. Something inside Hiro snapped.
He walked back to his bedroom and started locating his clothes.
"What's wrong?" a sleepy voice from the bed muttered. "Who was at the door?"
"Just Shuichi, he's going to crash here tonight." Hiro said as he threw on his leather jacket. Ayaka sat up with a start.
"Shuichi? Is there something wrong that I should know about?" She sounded alarmed.
"No, no he's fine. I just have to.check something." Hiro said. Ayaka wasn't convinced.
"Are you sure?"
Hiro gave her a kiss. "When do I ever do anything I'm not sure about?" She giggled.
"Only about once every day."
"So this is my one time today. I'll be back in a bit. Don't wait up." Hiro grabbed his keys and hurried out the door. He had to see what was going on, for Shuichi's sake.
I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a beer. I stared at it for what seemed like 10 min. No, beer will not do. I thought. I want something stronger. I put the beer back and wandered over to my liquor cabinet. I opened it and stared at.nothing. There were no bottles! I know I had at least 10 bottles of assorted drinks. Where the hell did they go? I couldn't have possibly drunk all that since the last time I checked here.
I felt around the dusty cabinet for one stray bottle. There was none. But I did find something that I thought was a random piece of paper. I pulled it out to throw it away when I noticed there was writing on it:
BAD YUKI! No Alcohol For You! ^_^
So, I threw away all the bad stuff.
Don't be mad.
Love,
Shuichi
"Stupid kid." I muttered. "When he gets back."
That's right. He left. He's not coming back.
I walked over to my computer. There was one bottle of Vodka I hid for emergencies. And this was such an emergency. I took a swig from the bottle, and my ulcer rebelled. I was doubled over in pain, when the doorbell rang.
"Dammit!!" I grunted.
The doorbell rang again.and again. It was as if the ringer had ADD or OCD or something that compelled him to keep ringing that DAMN BELL!
"SHUICHI!" I yelled in pain. "GET THE DOOR!"
Shit. I thought. He can't. He's not here.
The doorbell stopped ringing. But that's when the knocking began. I hobbled over to the door and threw it open.
"What the hell do you want?" I asked whoever was knocking at my door. I really couldn't see that well. My glasses had fallen off, not to mention the fact that I was still in immense pain. When I finally focused on who it was, I noticed it was that idiot's friend, Hiroshi or something like that. He was standing there gawking at me. I figured he was here looking for that moron.
"He's not here. He left. He's not coming back. Don't bother me again." I said, going to slam the door in his face. But, he stopped it with his foot and forced his way in.
"What have you done to Shuichi?" He asked me, trying to sound threatening. I laughed. Well, about as much as I could laugh with a belly full of fire. I managed to make it to the couch without bending over. Didn't want his friend to think I was aching for him or anything melodramatic like that. It was just, this pain!
"Well? What have you done to him?" He asked me again, sounding like a Spanish Inquisitor.
"Nothing" I answered honestly.
"Bull shit!" He spat at me. "Shuichi came to my apartment not 15 minutes ago and it sure as hell didn't look like 'nothing'. What did you say to him this time?"
Thank God, he made it to Hiroshi's without any problems. My heart gave a sigh of relief. But then reality set in. He's not mine to worry over anymore.
"I didn't do anything. He left me. Perhaps you should ask him, I'm sure he'd give you a better idea of what happened." I glared at him. He had no right to come in here and demand to know what had happened. As if I did something wrong. Who does he think he is, trying to threaten me?
"You didn't do anything? I find that hard to believe. He came walking into my apartment totally defeated. He looked the same way after ASK had their way with him, so I find it difficult to." That's all Hiro got out. I jumped up off the couch, the pain in my stomach be damned, and pushed him against the wall.
"Are you suggesting," I growled, "that I forced myself on him like those, those, animals?"
"Well, it does look that way." He stared me down. He actually believed that's what happened. I banged his head against the wall.
"If you ever compare me to people like that again, I swear to you, I will kill you." I let him go. He seemed to have gotten the message.
"Now get out of my house."
Hiro left. I heard the door slam and his motorcycle start up. I lit another cigarette, but didn't smoke it. That's how Shuichi looked, I thought. It hurt. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but it hurt to hear that Shuichi looked dead on the inside. Perhaps it was for the best he left. It seems I killed another love. Only this time, I did it all by myself. Shuichi never did anything, except be stupidly, annoyingly loud and bouncy. He never hurt me. Until now, that is.
I kept rethinking about the events that took place. I shouldn't have said what I did, but I always manage to say stupid things like that. I mean, that's who I am. I push people away when I really need them the most. Shuichi always saw through my act, but now...
I've been thinking about this for awhile now.It's over between us, isn't Yuki?
I growled in frustration. What the hell did he mean by that? Thinking about what exactly? About leaving me? Was he just waiting for the right moment to tell me he didn't love me anymore and had found someone else? Was that it?
I slammed my fist into the coffee table. Whoever had stolen my Shuichi away had better be prepared for a battle. I don't let people walk away from me. I do the walking away. It's not over until I say it's over.
I thought you didn't care about him, said the annoying little voice that just wouldn't shut up lately.
It has nothing to do with love or caring, I assured the annoying voice. He hurt my honor, and now, I'm just about to get it back.