(Author's note: This story is the result of a jam session I did with aceAdoxography (whom you can find at AO3) on the davekat thirst federation discord server. This one's a little out of my usual wheelhouse, but I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. New chapters every Saturday.

Also, since ffdotnet hates formatting, the ~indicates a missing strikethrough~

Day:0

"I'm smooth as peanut butter," Dave protested, his coffee sloshing in its cup as he swung his arm out. "Choosy moms might choose Jiff, but I ain't in the market for an older woman at the moment. Just call me Skippy, because that's how smooth I am."

Rose looked both unimpressed and unconvinced. "Really?" She took a small, dignified sip of her tea.

"Yes!" Dave frowned. "I'm like super suave. Fucking James Bond over here."

She squinted at him for a moment. "You do realize that James Bond is characterized by his inability to keep any woman with him longer than the length of one of his movies."

"That's only because he's too much man to be tied down," Dave said. "And that's not even the point: the point is that the fucker's suave. He can have any girl he wants."

"And I suppose you can get any boy you want?" It sounded dismissive. "It would be wonderful if you managed that feat before my wedding. You know how mother worries about you, and I would rather not spend the first day wedded to my wife listening to mother wailing about how her poor little Davey's going to be all alone in the world."

Dave felt the flush creeping up his cheeks, and he wasn't sure if he was experiencing his future humiliation already or if he was getting mad. Just because he couldn't keep a relationship going for long, that didn't mean he wasn't smooth. It wasn't his fault that up until very recently he'd only pursued girls because he hadn't wanted to admit he was gay... Okay, yes, that actually was his fault. The point was of course those relationships had failed. His relationship prowess had never been given a fighting chance. "Yeah, I could. In fact, I could make any of the guys here fall for me."

"Very well, brother of mine," Rose said, smiling that particular smile which tended to portend bad things for the person it was directed at, "how about that one?" She pointed to a man sitting alone at a table on the other end of the cafe.

Dave looked over at him without making it obvious he was doing so. Damn, Rose. The guy was a snack, obviously, but his expression indicated that the whole world had pissed in his cornflakes one at a time and had made him miss the bus to his job at the blow job factory. Still, it was too late to back out now. "Fine," he said, setting down his cup just a little too hard. "I'll see you in two weeks, Rose, and I'll have him on my arm in a matching tux. We're going to be the hottest, gayest penguins you've ever fucking seen."

She laughed at him. Which was fine: he was going to have the last laugh here. And there was no time like the present. He stood and strode over to the other table, curving his mouth in his smoothest, suavest fucking smile.

The man had noticed Dave's approach and looked up from his coffee, the ire on his face now joined by confusion. "Can I help you?" His voice was rough but not unpleasant. His tone was less pleasant, but Dave had expected that from his expression.

"I sure hope so," Dave said. He put one hand on his hip and held the other out to the man. "I've just lost my name: can I have yours?"

The man blinked. Then he laughed—less amused and more disbelieving. "Seriously? You're seriously going to open up with that? That has to be the cheesiest fucking pick up line I've heard in my life. And I've heard a lot of them."

Dave only grinned. Breaking the ice was just one of Dave's many talents. "What can I say, dude, I'm a connoisseur of fine cheese. Premium, aged in wooden crocks or whatever." He waggled his hand. "Don't leave me hanging."

The man looked from Dave's hand to his face and back again before heaving a sigh. He shook Dave's hand, his grip solid but not crushing. "Karkat." Then he frowned. "What do you want?"

"Thought that was obvious, Karkat," Dave said, trying the name out. He liked it. "I want to ask you out. On a date. I'm Dave, by the way," he added quickly. It probably would have been smarter to open up with that. It also occurred to Dave that there were a lot of other variables he hadn't considered until this moment. "If you're single. God, I hope you're single. And into guys. Otherwise, I'm going to feel pretty stupid."

Karkat opened his mouth but didn't speak as something too quick for Dave to pick up flashed across his face. Then he grinned, perhaps a little too widely. "You're in luck," he said. "I am in the market for a date."

Oh. "Cool. Cool, that's—" Dave broke off with a fake cough into his fist. "Yeah, uh. So, are you free tomorrow? Night?"

A slow nod. "Yeah. Sure. Sounds great." He dug through his bag and took out a small notepad. "Do you use Pesterchum?" he asked as he scribbled something down.

"I think everyone and their grandmother uses Pesterchum," Dave said, still kind of surprised that this was going as well as it was. "Not my grandmother, I don't have one, but you know, grandmothers. Or the tech savvy ones anyway. I think your average grandmother might have some trouble—the text is kind of tiny, isn't it?"

Karkat looked up from his writing. "Right." He ripped the page out and held it out to Dave. "Message me, and we can set up that date."

Dave took the paper. "Thanks, I'll, uh, message you soon!" Without waiting for a response, he turned on his heel and made his way back to Rose. He knew his face was burning, but he decided to believe it was the flush of victory rather than anything else. She was still smiling at him, and he held the paper out in front of her face. "See? I've already got his chumhandle. You're going to eat your words, Rose. I hope you like the taste of humble pie."

Rose laughed behind her hand. "Nice work, Dave," she said once she'd recovered. "Now, try not to break his heart, won't you?"

"What?" Dave shook his head. "His heart is going to be wrapped in three layers of bubble wrap and under ten pounds of packing peanuts." He shoved the paper into his pocket. "I got this thing on lock."

Karkat tore his eyes away from the retreating Dave to jot down some notes on his notepad. Looked like he'd be able to write this article sooner rather than later. Unless Dave had been dared to come over and get his phone number. That had happened before. He scowled into his coffee. Well, if Dave never got in touch with him, then he'd just use his last disaster of a relationship to base his article on. That was what he'd planned to do originally anyway.

It wasn't a secret around the office that Karkat Vantas, despite being a font of romance wisdom, was dead in the water when it came to dating and keeping a boyfriend. He attributed this mostly to his abhorrent personality and lack of self-control. Whenever the opportunity came up for him to stick his foot in his mouth, you could find him there, furiously chewing on his toes. He'd lost count of how many times a date had ended because he'd said something he shouldn't have. Or rather, screamed something he shouldn't have at the top of his lungs with more profanity than was warranted in retrospect.

So, of course, the boss knew about Karkat's lackluster love life, too. The assignment had been one of her little jokes. One of her little mind games. "Oh, Mr. Vantas, please write an article about how to fuck up a relationship in less than two weeks—it should be easy for you seeing as you're such an expert at being so noxious that no one but your handful of friends can even stand to be anywhere around you, never mind a stranger who doesn't know your history or has any reason to want to stick around and deal with your bullshit." Paraphrased, of course. Her version had been much less honest.

He re-read his notes.

* Dave, no last name given. Terrible pick up line. Rambles. Idiot or awkward. Or both. Dresses like a color-blind douche bag. Obnoxious sunglasses. Vision impaired? ~Hot.~ ~Attractive.~ Moderately attractive.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he set down his notepad to fish it out. He frowned down at the screen. A notification from Pesterchum? His heart rose a little despite himself until he saw the name. Kanaya. He sighed. While he was happy she was happy, he couldn't handle being gushed at right now. He put the phone on the table and finished his coffee.

Dave dithered for hours before he finally decided on the perfect message to open communications with.

TG: this is dave from the cafe
TG: wanted to say hey
TG: and ask what you want to do Saturday

Okay, so it wasn't the best rap ever, but he was stretched for material here. Also, it probably wasn't a good idea to blow up this guy's phone before Dave got some confirmation that this was even Karkat's chumhandle. It wouldn't be the first time someone had given him a dud. At least the messages were going through: that was a good sign.

CG: ARE YOU RHYMING ON PURPOSE?
TG: hell yea dog
TG: mc strider here by popular demand to lay down the jams
TG: ive got all my adoring fans just waiting for me to shower them with stanz-
TG: -as like youve never seen its a dream come true straight to you

That was enough; he had to give Karkat some time to respond. Assuming this was Karkat.

TG: this is karkat right?
CG: OH I CAN TALK NOW?
CG: YES THIS IS KARKAT.
CG: AS CHARMING AS THIS IS (AND I AM SO UTTERLY CHARMED RIGHT NOW), DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME?
TG: totally i totally do i knew as soon as i saw you yea im taking this total snack on a date

Which was not a lie, technically. Yes, Dave liked how Karkat looked, but he probably wouldn't have gone over to his table without Rose egging him on.

TG: where do you want to go skys the limit
TG: but not really
TG: cause no offense but i just met you
TG: and i dont think were at the stage where id be willing to sell one my kidneys
TG: to make your dreams of jumping out of an airplane onto the back of a narwhal or some shit like that come true
TG: thats like after at least date number 5 and id expect some kind of thanks
TG: at least a tongue kiss or something
TG: not that i think you need to pay for dates physically
TG: thats all kinds of gross
TG: forget i said any of that please
CG: ...
CG: HOW ABOUT DINNER AND A MOVIE. LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. CAN WE DO THAT?

Dave grinned with relief. He'd thought for sure he'd just blown this.

TG: sounds great nothing beats the classics

With that sorted out, the rest had been easy. Dave closed his phone, feeling accomplished. He was really doing this. He was really making this happen. But first, he had some clothes to throw in the shower!

Karkat slid his phone back into his pocket with a sigh. Well, now he had a date for tomorrow. He looked down at the new set of notes he'd written during that 'conversation'.

* Last name Strider? Raps without provocation. Definitely visually impaired. Goes off on wild tangents. ~I'm going to be murdered.~ ~What the hell am I doing?~

It had been difficult not to react in his normal way to the frankly bizarre things Dave had said, and he knew that was only going to be more difficult to manage in person. Still, he had to 'hook' this man as best as he was able before he could fuck it up like always. After all, he couldn't 'lose' a guy he never 'had', right? He idly entertained the thought of what 'having' Dave might be like. He was clearly crazy, but there was something endearing in his total inability to communicate like a regular person. The way he'd been so obviously nervous and out of his depth when he'd come over to ask Karkat out. The way his cheeks had flushed when Karkat had accepted. The way his body had moved when he'd walked away.

Shaking his head, Karkat tucked the notepad into his bag. No point in even thinking about it. Even if he weren't getting into this just to ruin the relationship for his article, the end would have been the same anyway. Honestly, he was doing Dave a favor: at least this way, Dave would only be wasting ten days worth of his time rather than torturous months of dealing with Karkat's bullshit before finding an excuse to cut him loose.