A/N I always thought there was a lot unsaid between Amanda and Olivia despite the fact they are close now. For a logn time there was quite a bit of tension. This is one way I could see it being dealt with.

/

"Close the door please." Olivia Benson said softly

A confused expression passed over her face but she did as she was asked by her commanding officer

"Have a seat." Olivia said indicating the chairs in front of her desk

"I think I'll stand, Sargent."

"Amanda, you know you have to deal with what Patton did to you." Olivia began, "You've been pushing it down all these years and that's not good."

"I'm dealing with it, Sargent."Amanda assured her, "Besides, I walked into it."

"Amanda, he raped you. That's not your fault." Olivia said coming around her desk and sitting on the edge

Amanda stood there pursing her lips and looked down at the floor, "You know what? Why do you care so much?"

Olivia's raised her eyebrows in surprise, "Excuse me?"

"Come on, Sargent. You made it clear you don't even want me here. So why does it matter to you?"

"Amanda…" She began quite taken off guard

"No, you told me in no uncertain terms you don't trust me and don't want me here. So why all the phony concern? Because NOW you see me a victim?"

"Okay, obviously there's a lot going on here we need to talk about." Olivia said, keeping her cool

"No, I think you made yourself clear and I don't have anything else to say, Sargent. And I don't need your help."

"Amanda…" She replied but Amanda turned and walked out the door

As she exited Olivia's office she grabbed her coat as Carisi, Fin and Nick looked at her and each other.

"Everything okay, Amanda?" Fin asked

"I just need to take care of something." She mumbled as she headed out of the squad room and toward the elevators

Fin got up and knocked on Olivia's door and poked his head in, "You okay?"

She looked up from her laptop which she was just staring at as she rolled over in her head what had just happened, "Not really." She didn't even bother to lie to him, Fin didn't believe her BS when she tried anyway

Fin came in and shut the door, "Amanda, just grabbed her coat and tore out of here after leaving your office. Something happen with Patton?"

Olivia sighed, "No, with me."

He took a seat, "Uh huh."

"I tried to talk to her about what Patton did to her and she didn't appreciate it." Olivia admitted

"You know Amanda, she doesn't like talking about stuff." Fin reminded her

"No, it wasn't that. She accused me of not really caring about her. Brought up what I said to her after she got in trouble last year when she went undercover."

"What did you say?" He remembered when Amanda came out of Olivia's office that day clearly upset but he never asked either of them what happened

"Back then? I told her I didn't trust her and if we weren't so short staffed I'd transfer her."

Fin raised his eyebrows

She put up her hand, "I know. I know."

"Liv, you know I got your back, always. But that was harsh." He said

"Well, she said all my concern was phony and it was only because I see her as a victim now."

Fin gave her a reassuring smile, "Now, I know that's not true and so do you."

"I guess I didn't realize the damage I'd done. I was angry. I'm responsible for this unit and I really had no idea what she was up to until Murphy contacted me." She acknowledged

"Then you know what you gotta do." He said

/

Amanda had not returned to the precinct but texted Fin to let him know she was okay. He let Olivia know and she decided she'd let it slide. It was only a couple of hours before her shift ended and she was more concerned with what to do about the situation. She had to make it right with Amanda. If she were honest with herself a conversation between them was long over due, even before her undercover debacle. About six she shut down her laptop and headed out of her office.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow," She said to Nick, Fin and Carisi, "Text me if anything comes up."

"You okay, Liv?" Fin asked

She paused and gave a nod as she walked out.

Making her way to Amanda's apartment she went over and over in her head what she might say. Nothing sounded right. But she really needed Amanda to open up to her more. Despite what she said she clearly had more to say. She sighed as she knocked on Amanda's door. She didn't even know if she were home.

She heard locks tumbling and suddenly she was face to face with her, "What are you doing here, Sargent?"

"I think we should talk, Amanda." She replied, "Can I come in?"

Amanda shrugged and stepped back to allow Olivia entry.

"So you here to write me up for walking out?" she asked

"No, I'm not." Olivia assured her, "I'm here because it's obvious we need to clear the air about some things."

"I think I said all I needed to say." Amanda replied

"Well clearly that's not true." Olivia insisted, "I think you've got a lot to say."

"What are you a therapist now?" Amanda said with more than a hint of sarcasm in her voice

"Look, I don't know what's going on with you and I'm not going anywhere until I find out. It's clear you're angry with me and I think there's more to it than what happened when you went undercover."

Amanda sighed, resigned to the fact that there was no way out of this now, "I know that I deserved to be held accountable for what I did. Suspension, desk duty. Whatever. But you treated me like I was nothing no more than something you wipe off the bottom of your shoe."

"Amanda-"

"No, you said you wanted to hear this. I was standing there in your office beat up, wiping tears away and when I told you I was going to work hard to make things right all I got was a 'we're done here'."

"What did you want me to say?" Olivia asked

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe, 'I know you screwed up Amanda but I believe you can do it. I believe you can get back on track'. Cragen believed in me. But he told me I'd be gone if I screwed up again. As hard as that would have been I would prefer that to being somewhere I'm clearly not wanted.

"I was angry and I was under a tremendous amount of stress. I was thrown into being CO with basically no notice. I knew about it the same time everyone did that Cragen was leaving. Right off the bat I had Nick sulking about desk duty. I was still…" Olivia trailed off

"Still what?" Amanda asked and when Olivia looked away she knew, "Lewis."

"I was still seeing a therapist. Frankly, things had stated to fall apart with Brian. Barba had rode my ass about the kinds of cases we brought him. Especially the Josh Galloway case. I guess I didn't think those words would carry the weight they did."

"Well, they did carry weight. You've never once even asked how I'm doing. Cragen understood. He checked up on me. You don't know what it's like to be an addict."

"I think we've established I'm not Cragen." Olivia said bitterly

"Well, you know what they say. Never meet your heroes." Amanda said

"What's that supposed to mean?" Olivia asked

Dammit

"I chose New York because I had read stories in the paper about you. Believe it or not, we do get the Times down south, Sargent. I thought that's the kind of cop I wanna be. I was so excited to learn from you. When I introduced myself the first day it was pretty clear you weren't happy about me being here."

Olivia sat on the arm of the chair she was standing next to, " Amanda, that wasn't my intention. That was a tough time for me and Cragen called me out more than once."

"Tough time? What you couldn't handle another female detective in the unit? Afraid you wouldn't be queen bee anymore?"

"Now you know that's ridiculous." Olivia said staring to get a little angry

"I was the one who made the connection in the Brian Smith case. You criticized me for even suggesting it could be the same perp."

"And I also defending you interrogating him." Olivia pointed out, "Amanda, my partner had just put in his papers. Without a word to me. He'd shot a teenage girl that had come in to the squad room with a gun and shot up the place. We'd been partners for twelve years and he didn't give me the courtesy of a phone call. I had to hear it from Cragen. I didn't want to work with anyone else back then. But Cragen told me to get over it."

Amanda looked at her skeptically

"Look, I admit that I wondered how you were able to get this job over other detectives in New York. But you are a good cop."

"Yeah, right."

Olivia squeezed the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger, "I do want you in my unit. I do see how hard you're working"

"You know, I don't expect us to be friends and I don't need a pat on the back all the time. But you know, I didn't have anyone believing in me growing up. My parents were too busy fighting, drinking. I had to take care of myself and sister. I…I guess the first person I felt like did believe in me was Cragen. And that was nice."

"I believe in you too, Amanda. I guess I do a lousy job of showing it."

Amanda shook her head, "It really did hurt but like I said this isn't nursery school. I'd just like to know that maybe…maybe I've rebuilt some of that trust I lost."

"You have, Amanda. I guess I didn't think it needed to be stated but I know what it's like to feel like you're on your own. Cragen was the first person I felt believed in me, too and yeah it felt good."

Amanda wiped away a tear, "I'm sorry, Liv. I shouldn't have talked to you the way I did."

"No, I think we can move forward now. As long as you keep working as hard as you are. I know you go to meetings but if you need help I want you to come to me. Before you get in so far over your head, okay?"

Amanda smiled and nodded, "Copy that Sargent."