The first time it happens, Jaskier is still young and dumb enough to think it won't lead to feelings.
He brazenly attempts to seduce the witcher, going as far as crawling onto his lap. He's also a little drunk, but not enough to be out of his head. Not enough to blame this recklessness on the ale. Geralt looks at him for a long moment, as if deciding something. "Hmm...alright."
And then Jaskier is lifted up without any effort, Geralt crowding him against the back of a tree. He takes him there with most of their clothes still on, the bark rough against Jaskier's back. It stains his doublet, but Jaskier hardly cares. It's good, so good, no way it'll only happen once.
After, Geralt sets him back to his wobbly feet. He looks Jaskier over and sighs, but there's a wry sort of smile on his face. "There will be no getting rid of you now."
/
The last time it happens is Jaskier's fault. He's gone and caught feelings. And they're written all over his face, in his eyes when he looks at Geralt. They're fucking in an inn for once, having the time to draw things out and make it last, something more than a quick tumble on a bedroll.
So Geralt takes him slow and methodical, until Jaskier is a panting, squirming, writhing mess. He gasps when he comes, lets out a sharp cry and "Fuck, Geralt, I love you."
Geralt finishes and doesn't say anything, but he has that look on his face that spells trouble. Jaskier needs to fix things so he backpedals, "Forget what I said, I say things I don't mean in the heat of the moment."
"Hmm."
It takes Jaskier hours to fall asleep. When he wakes in the morning, Geralt is gone.
/
The incident with the djinn is the next time Jaskier sees Geralt, over a year later. They don't speak about what happened. It's fine—Jaskier has a new love. The countess may have left him, but he'll win her back. Probably. It's not the first time she's left him. It's an exhilarating sort of game. But he misses the easiness of Geralt, the camaraderie.
Geralt felt like home, and he is homesick.
Of course, Geralt saves him. And Jaskier is ready to forget the countess, to start things all over but...but Geralt is with Yennefer. He sees them together, sees the passion between them. And his heart breaks, because he can't compete with her, can't compete with a powerful, beautiful mage.
So he says nothing and let's things lie.
/
He hates Yennefer.
The jealousy has left him bitter, but there is some hope. Yennefer seems as distrustful and disliking of him, so perhaps there is jealousy on her side too. It doesn't matter, he can't compete with magic.
And maybe it is magic that binds Geralt and Yennefer together, or maybe it is love. Only they'll never know for certain and for Jaskier that would be enough to end it. The not knowing. He'd rather have someone he chose, not someone destiny or magic bound to him. Someone he loves of his own free will.
If love involves free will. Does he chose to suffer this way for Geralt? Is loving him a choice? Because if it is, he often thinks he'd like to unmake it. Chose someone easier and more returning of his affections. But he can't, because despite it all, Geralt is it for him.
He asks him to go away with him. He knows he'll say no. But still he asks. Because love is hope, irrational as that may be. He has hope.
Hope is all he has.
/
The mountain breaks him.
Geralt, saying those cruel and unfair things breaks him. And he could stomach it, could forgive it, if Geralt only asked him to, if Geralt only apologized and said he didn't mean them. Because Jaskier knows he didn't mean them, knows that Geralt is angry at himself, not Jaskier. Knows that this is all about Yennefer, not him.
And maybe that's the problem.
He'll never get an apology. He'll never be the one Geralt chooses. Never, never, never.
Maybe one day, things will be different. Maybe one day, Geralt will see him, look at him the way he looks at her.
Maybe one day, but Jaskier won't hold his breath. He's tired of waiting and hoping.
He's just tired.
Geralt wants him to leave, so he leaves. He leaves and he does not look back, as tempting as it may be. He has his pride, after all. This time, Geralt will choose him, or he'll be alone. He won't go crawling back to Geralt again, won't go to have his heart broken. This is the last time Geralt gets the privilege of breaking his heart.
He waits, but Geralt never comes. And little by little, his hope dies.