Alright, here we go. I wrote this at like four in the morning so cut me some slack if it's terrible.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own iCarly, I know this because if I did it would be called iSeddie

I found this old diary while I was helping Cat and Dice clean out Nona's attic. It doesn't look very used, and it's in pretty good shape. Don't get me wrong- I'm in no way saying that I need a diary, I just have a lot on my mind, that's all.

It's only been about two months since I left Seattle, and I can't stop thinking about someone. Yeah, I miss Spencer, Gibby, Carly, but I just… I keep thinking about him. We didn't even say goodbye. Okay, I'll say it. I really miss Freddie. I really regret breaking up with him- we were best friends! Then a couple, then… just awkward acquaintances I guess? I couldn't even bring myself to taunt him- at least not the same way I used to.

Yeah, yeah, I need to shut up. This diary is not for ranting about love-um, feelings? Well, I guess that's what a diary is for so… Yeah. I'm sure as chiz not going to tell anyone about any of these feelings anyway. What are they? I'm bored so I'll make a list.

Regret

Sadness

Guilt

Heartache (ugh so girly)

… love.

Ha ha. Um, I think we can be done with the lists now.

Well, you get it, I miss Freddie a lot. I could talk to him about literally anything, unlike Carly. I mean, yeah she was my best friend, but the girl talks way more than she listens. Oh, and the reason I said 'was' is because, after the whole lock in incident, I kinda stuck with um, Freddie.

We were spending much more time together, plus Carly was already starting to be more distant, switching boys like every week. Freddie actually noticed me and cared.

I know Carly cared about me but she wasn't like, "Oh Sam! Are you okay? Can I get you ham or do you just want to walk and talk?" That's what Freddie did. He was basically the perfect friend, guy, person, however you wanna say it. So we became best friends- at least he was mine. Then, we started to date.

This was actually the start of me not disliking, but not loving Carly as much as I had. I actually think Freddie and I might still be together if Carly hadn't been there. She basically broke us up! When Freddie asked me if we were forcing it, I wanted to cry - a very un-Sam like thing to do. But I pretended I did, I wanted him to be happy. Then, the lowest blow of all. If it wasn't bad enough that she took away the most important person in my life, Carly KISSED HIM. The day she left for Italy. I had been walking up to the studio to talk to Freddie because I wanted to ask him a question about my computer. And I saw that evil Shay make her move. And the moment that felt like a bullet to my- well wherever hurts the most.

Anyway, after I saw them I was so upset that I took my motorcycle and just left. I didn't even say goodbye to Carly, Spencer, or… you get it. So, I was leaving, going anywhere but the place that brought me so many memories. I deleted Carly's number, and Freddie's, but an hour into my ride, I gave in and added his back (I have it memorised). I wasn't ready to let go yet, but I ignored all his calls.

Eventually, he just stopped calling. I wasn't sure if I was happy or sad about this, but I didn't have much time to think because of all the babysitting jobs, plus Cat is a whole other "baby" to sit. Seriously, she does all these crazy and sometimes dumb things.

Anyway, I basically haven't talked to anyone in Seattle (or Italy I guess) in like two months. Well, Cat just told me she has a surprise for me. I don't know… She knows I've been kinda down since I came here. To make it worse, it's January 3. It sounds like just another day, but… it's not.

Today is the anniversary of my (and Freddie's) first kiss. And, yeah, I know I said I had to get over him, but today just reminded me why I couldn't! Okay, it's settled, I'm going with Cat. Maybe her surprise will take my mind off, well, today. She knows I've been sad, but she doesn't know what January 3 means, so I think I'm good. Plus, Cat is very distracting.

Alright, its six now, and Cat still hasn't told me where I am going or what the surprise is- she just told me to dress "nice" which of course, I ignored and put on a red ruffled shirt with a black heart and music note decals on it, and some black jeans.

I didn't do much with my hair, I just let it down like always, but I did put on a black chain necklace that I got for Christmas two years ago. From, uh, Freddie.

Cat took me outside the apartment and gave me directions to a park. Pretty random, but my ditzy little friend insisted. Well, I'm hungry so I got a taco. Taco… That reminds me of possibly the worst week of my life. No, the worst week of my life was when Freddie and I broke up.

Anyway, I don't have a great past with tacos, so I don't know why I got this. I'm not hungry anymore, which I guess shows I'm really not over him, because I am always hungry.

Now all I can think about is Freddie lying unconscious on the pavement, his leg bent the wrong way, blood gushing out of a cut on his forehead. And Carly, kissing him in the school hall just because she could. It did make me want to puke up blood, I'd meant what I said to Freddie. I couldn't take it. Uh! I need to stop thinking about him. Whatever.

Oh, I guess while I was thinking I actually ate the taco. Well, here I am. I'm one block away from the park. Woah! What is that? I see… Steps? Like, steps next to a window sill, and a radio playing… Oh my ham.

'I keep running awaaay, even from the good thiiings' I just choked on air. That song. Why.. How? But.. The only other person who knows the significance of this song is;

"Freddie?"

The grinning brunette emerged from the shadows.

"Hey, Princess."

Then, I did something I never did. I started to cry and flew into his arms. He held me tightly and slightly swayed me as I sobbed into his shirt.

"Shh, it's okay, Sam. I'm really here."

My tears slowed, but not enough that I was quiet. Still holding onto him, I asked Freddie,

"Why are you even here? You should hate me. I never even said goodbye."

He pulled me up to face him. "Well that's exactly why I'm here."

I wiped away a tear. "To say goodbye?"

At this thought I tensed. Of course that's why he came! To say goodbye. Then he would be gone again.

"No! I actually came to say hello." I gave him a confused look. Freddie chuckled.

"Maybe that was a bad way to put it. Anyway, would you like a meatball?"

At first I thought that was a random thing to say, but realized what he meant. I let myself grin a little. That was my line on this day five years ago. I resisted the urge to say yes, because I love meatballs, to keep the mood.

"Nah."

I took a seat on the window ledge, as Freddie sat on the steps. Just like on the fire escape. That's when I noticed the resemblance between that scene and the one before me.

"Wait, Freddie,"

He pulled his eyes up to mine. "Yeah?"

I continued.

"Did Cat-" He laughed.

"Oh, yeah, me and Cat, actually." I widened my eyes.

"So you- you remember?" I stuttered.

Freddie's taffy eyes sparkled. "Of course. You thought I could forget?"

I blushed. "Um, well, I didn't forget, but I thought you, well, I thought you and Carly-"

Now he actually looked- angry? "Me and Carly what?"

Uh oh. I walked into that one. Now he would know I saw them kiss!

"Well, uh, the day I left I kinda saw you and Carly, uh, kiss." I braced myself.

"Oh."

That's it?

"Yeah…"

Freddie looked down. "Listen, Sam, I didn't-" Now I cut him off.

I really didn't need details.

"No, it's fine, Freddiffer. I-I just need some more time to accept it."

We sat in silence for a little while more.

I looked down sheepishly. I really didn't want to say what I was about to, but it had to be said.

"Look, Freddie, I think it was my fault we broke up."

He tried to object but I held up my hand to silence him.

"Just listen."

Freddie nodded. I continued.

"I really was in love with you," At this he raised his eyebrows as if to ask 'was?', but I ignored him and moved on.

"I really loved you, but, I don't know, I didn't let myself believe you really felt the same. Like, you had been chasing Carly for years, and it seemed kind of unlikely for you to suddenly move on, especially to me."

I took a deep shaky breath in.

"So, then I started thinking that, if I had never kissed you at that lock in, maybe we would still be where we had been. You know, me insulting you, you getting offended, and Carly breaking it up."

Now, he interrupted.

"But I didn't like it that way, Sam. Sometimes, I just wanted to fight with you to be near you. There were times I actually got mad at Carly for breaking up the fights!"

Even though it was sweet of him to say, I gave him a look and he shut up.

"Anyway, I just couldn't convince myself you had let go of Carly. I still thought you were in love with her and, " I gulped. This was the hardest part to say, "That you were just using me. I've been hurt so much in the past, so I was pretty secluded around you. Then, the night we broke up, you said you loved me, and I really did believe you."

I paused.

"But, of course, Carly had to go and ruin everything again, and kissed you. I saw you kiss her back and I couldn't handle it anymore. You basically know the rest."

I kept my eyes trained on the ground, waiting for him to laugh at me.

"Oh, baby, I never knew you felt that way." Freddie said, pulling me into a hug. He didn't seem to realise he called me 'baby', a name he used to call me while we were dating. I kinda liked it.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered into my hair.

I let a couple more tears fall.

Then we let go and went back to silence.

"You know," The boy next to me started. "I never really was in love with her."

I just froze. Did he mean Carly?

"Yeah." He seemed to answer my question.

"But, ten years, Freddie?" He swung his cheek over to rest on his shoulder.

"Sam, I only ever felt anything with you. Really real feelings, not like fake ones with Carly. I want you to know, what I did was a complete mistake."

I wonder if he means kissing her or breaking up with me.

"I regret breaking up with you, I regret kissing her back, I regret letting you go, and I regret not calling more. I've made so many mistakes. I should have realised my feelings a lot sooner."

Now Freddie looked at me. "Like ten years sooner."

Wow. I'm just.. Wow.

"Freddie, I-" He just sighed and closed his eyes.

"No, Sam, please. I just wanted to tell you that I told Carly that we couldn't do that. She asked me why and I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship."

My heart dropped. Oh. I guess relationships are out of the question then.

"Sam, I lied."

Wait, what?

"I am ready for a relationship, just not with her." Please let him say what I want him to say!

"With you." YES!

"Freddie, you don't know how long I've been waiting for you to say that!"

That's what I wanted to say, but that was very unlike me, so, instead, I said, "Dork."

Freddie grinned.

"Well, lean." I said playfully.

Now he fully smiled, teeth and all.

He rolled his eyes jokingly, and pressed his lips to mine.

I thought it would be just like it was the first time, but it wasn't.

I-I really can't describe it. Okay, I'll try.

It was really sweet and soft, but it also had a lot of emotion in it. I'm not tryna be cheesy or anything. It had all of those bottled up feelings. All the anger, sadness, reget, disappointment, along with all of the rekindled feelings. Joy, relief, happiness, nerves, and, most especially, love. Okay, yeah I kinda failed at the not cheesy description.

Well, it's not like anyone is gonna read this. Nobody touches Sam Puckett's property if they want to keep their head.

After who knows how long, Freddie reluctantly pulled away.

"Woah."

I smirked.

"What do you mean 'woah'? We've kissed before."

He rolled his eyes again.

"But we haven't in a long time. Plus that was- different."

"In a good way, I hope?" I said, amused.

"Of course!"

I laughed at his dorkiness. Oh, how I'd missed him.

Freddie's eyes glimmered in the pale glow of the street lights and the moon.

"You know I really hate you, right." I asked him, pretending to be serious. I guess I'm a good actor because he frowned.

"Oh, right."

I got up off the ledge and hugged him for the second time that night.

"Yep. I hate you about as much as I hate ham and fat cakes."

I could sense him smirk.

"Yeah, and I hate you about as much as I hate tech and Galaxy Wars."

I drew my arms away from him. Now he got up and stepped closer to me

"You know, my examples were so much better than yours." I said, looking into his eyes. Uh oh, I have a feeling that cheesy thing is unavoidable at this point. Dang it!

"Must everything be a competition with you, Puckett?" Freddie asked, taking my hands.

"Do you know me at all?" I contradicted.

He laughed.

"Is that a question?"

I was about to say some random comeback, but I was silenced again.

You can probably guess how it went from there.

If not, I'll summarize for you.

Freddie and I got back together, and he moved to LA because his boss promoted him to another job near us. So, we basically lived like that for a while, then, like three years later, he proposed and we got married.

And yeah, we've been married for about five years now and are living happily. Not exactly happy ever after, but, as long as I have fat cakes and, ugh, Freddie too, it's all gonna be just fine.

Haha, see what I did there? Just me? Okay. Please R&R!

3 -Cat