Chapter 2 Lost and found: Mommy

I wake up in another place, in a big bedroom with six to eight beds. The room is painted in cool blue and bright yellow. It has lots of light and pretty pictures.

In the middle of the room other children are playing. All of them are smiling.

I wonder, who they are and why they are here.

are they?

I see some ladies playing games with the children. They're wearing aprons, like the one my Mommy wears sometimes, but these have lines on them like the tracks for my cars. They make my eyes go wibbly wobbly.

Some of the ladies chase a few children round the room. I don't know why, but the children are laughing about this. They want to be caught. They want to be swept up and swung around by the ladies they call 'candystripers'.

A candystripe lady comes to my bed. My tummy squeezes so I try to make myself small behind the pillow.

She has such a big smile; I can see all her teeth. She holds out her arms and says, 'Hello, I'm Julie. Come on. Join us.'

I feel my eyes spread wide across my warm face and hear drumming sounds in my ears and chest. I cannot breathe so I open my mouth. I try to say something. No words come.

The lady moves backwards putting her hands up in the air, the same way I do when he comes to our room. My eyes move left to right and back again, fast.

'No problem,' I hear her say quietly. 'Maybe later? Or maybe tomorrow?' She smiles all the way up to her eyes, then turns to go back to the others.

The banging in my head goes quieter and starts to slow down.

I watch.

I had never seen so many children.

I had never heard so much laughter or giggling.

When the candystripes catch the children, they are even more happy and excited. Somehow, they make them laugh by putting their hands under the children's arms, or on their tummies, or - if they aren't wearing shoes - under their feet. It looks as though they are scratching them but each time, they do it, the children giggle and wriggle but they're not really wriggling to get away. They're having lots of fun.

A smiling brown lady with lots of multi-coloured plaits comes and stands next to the bed. She says my name and asks me if I am hungry.

She tries again. 'Hello sleepyhead. You slept for a very long time again today. Welcome to Snow Fox ward. Would you like some breakfast? '

I'm not sure if I can talk to or take food from someone I don't know, but I am hungry.

The lady says, 'You don't remember me, do you?'

Holding my pillow tightly, just in case, I shake my head.

'I'm Charmaine. I'm a friend of Dr Grace. Shall I bring you some breakfast? You must be hungry, right?'

I nod.

She nods back.

'Good'.

Charmaine takes a step away then stops and turns back towards me. She put her hands in her pockets and says, 'Oh, and I nearly forgot these. Been holding on to them till you were more alert'. When she pulls her hands out, she is holding my red and my yellow car.

Inside, I am so happy, but I do not show this outside. I don't do anything at all. He used to take my cars and then bring them back and hurt me with them. I scrunch up my body and close my eyes waiting for her to throw them. At me.

I wait.

And wait.

I know this game too. In my head I am listening to how I used to shout and scream, 'No, no!' and how sometimes he would only pretend to go away and then he would run back, make a big circle with his arm and throw the cars at me very fast - just like in the ball game he watched on TV sometimes. The one where they wear those big hats and gloves and the shirts that make my eyes go wobbly - just like the dresses the candystripes wear.

I open my eyes a little and peep. The brown lady has gone.

Why am I not at home, with my Mommy?

Where is she?

Why isn't she here?

I look for a long time.

Mommy isn't here.

Somewhere a door clatters shut. It scares me. Then I think it could be my Mommy coming to get me. Right now. I look around again, but I still can't see the door. I scramble to the other end of the bed and see that the brown lady has left my cars there. A little smile creases my face. I hold one in each hand and keep looking.

So many people.

So much noise.

So much laughter.

So much happy.

But I want my Mommy.

In my head, I see pictures, lots of pictures.

My home.

My bed in my cupboard.

My… Mommy.

I see, Mommy is lying down. She is still. The floor is cold. Mommy is cold too. My tummy makes noises, but Mommy doesn't hear them. She lies there, something white and bubbly falling from her nose and her mouth.

She is asleep.

I sleep too.

There's a smell. Not Mommy's perfume. Another smell.

A big crashing noise wakes me; But doesn't wake Mommy.

He is here.

Soo much bashing and shouting. Then he's gone.

I bring my blankie and cuddle up so Mommy can be warm.

When I wake, I am really, really hungry.

'Mommy wake up. Wake up!'

I hear Mrs Bobby, the lady, in the room next to ours, who sometimes gives me cake. She says, 'Yes officer.'

I hear another voice, another man.

He says, 'Thank you Mrs Bobby. We'll take it from here. '

There are a lot of people in our room. All talking, walking around, shaking their hands, and their heads, then looking at me with sad faces. And then a really big man asks me my name. And then he's lifting me up and I see the blue shirt and the shiny badges on it, and I wriggle and screech.

I cry out, 'Mommy. Mommy. No, don't. Don't touch her. Don't touch me,' until my voice is too small to hear on the outside. On the inside, I am a voice wriggling and falling into the dark.

Outside my head, the children have stopped playing. It's time for them to eat.

My inside feelings slip out.

I grip my cars tightly.

My eyes are wet.

I cover my face with my pillow.

The brown lady comes back with my breakfast.

I'm not hungry anymore.

And I know that my Mommy isn't coming. Ever.

Total story word count 11551 Page 8 of 8