Author's Note:

This is my first Castle Story, however, I am not new to writing or Fanfiction... just a little rusty. This came to me after watching the Episode Reckoning - 7x15. It was a great episode, however, I felt that it could have taken in a different direction. This story is very sad, but things are not as they seem...

The wind was blowing rapidly, causing the trees outside to brush up against the window. The Thunder roared & the Lightning lit up the night sky. Richard Castle sat alone, in his office. Staring blankly at the glass of alcohol he held in his hand. So many thoughts, so many emotions... running through his mind. Guilt, Sadness, Anger. The sound of his cell phone ringing shook him from his thought's.

"Dr. Parish" flashed across the lit up screen. Richard picked up the phone, swiping the "Ignore" button, as he let out a sad sigh. He just couldn't bear to speak to Lanie, right now. Truth was, he wasn't up for talking to anyone at all. Ever since "it" happened, Castle had been spending an awful lot of time alone. He'd sent Martha & Alexis off to the Hampton's. He had successfully dodge phone calls from Gates, Ryan, Espo, & Lanie. As the storm rolled on, Castle's mind wandered back to that horrible night.

Flashback...

Castle & the Team stormed the warehouse where they believed Beckett had been taken to by 3XK. The team burst through the doors, guns drawn.

"Castle no! It's a trap!" Beckett yelled.

By the time Castle & the Team saw Beckett tied to the chair, it was too late... the gunfire had already started. Castle stood & the boys stood in utter horror, as they saw the gunshots rip through Beckett's body. Although, the whole thing had only lasted a few short seconds, it all seemed to happen in slow motion to Castle.

"Beckett NO!" Castle shouted, as he ran towards her. Ryan & Espo tried to stop him, but it was to no avail. Castle ran to Beckett, his tears freely falling from his eyes. He knelt in front of her lifeless body. He could see the blood.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, so sorry..." Castle cried, as he gently took Beckett's head in his hands.

It was a sight Castle would never forget... her beautiful face, covered in blood, riddled with bullets. Castle untied Beckett from the chair, ripping the gag from her mouth. He laid her lifeless body on the ground, feeling for a pulse. There was one, but barely.

"We need a medic, right now!" Castle shouted. "Now!"

The following moments were a blur, the Paramedics rushed in. Castle stood back, just a little, taking Beckett's bloody hand in his. The Paramedics tried performing CPR, she wasn't breathing. Then, they lost her pulse. They immediately pulled out the Paddles.

"Please save her, please..." Castle cried, pleading with the Paramedics over & over to save the love of his life.

"Come on, Kate! You've got this, come back to us Kate!" Castle pleaded, still holding onto Beckett's hand for dear life.

However, despite all of their efforts, it was too late. The head Medic hung his head, gently placing a hand on Castle's shaking shoulder. "I'm so sorry, she's gone." the Paramedic said, sadly.

"No!" Castle cried. "No! Come on, Kate! Come on!"

Castle knelt down, picking up Beckett's lifeless, blood covered body. He pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her hair. He held her body tightly, crying, sobbing, rocking back & fourth.

Ryan & Esposito stood there, their eyes welling up with tears. That's when Lanie arrived, she ran in... Espo stopped her from going any further.

"Javi... what happened?" Lanie asked, already fearing the worse.

Esposito could barely speak. "She's... she's gone, Lanie." he whispered. "Beckett's gone."

"Are... are you sure?" Lanie whispered.

"Yeah..." Espo said, sadly.

Lanie immediately broke down, sobs overtook her body. Esposito pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly as she cried.

After a few beats, everyone's attention turned to Castle, who was still sitting on the ground. He was sobbing uncontrollably, covered in blood, holding Becket's lifeless body. Lanie, Esposito, & Ryan all walked over slowly. It was a truly heartbreaking scene, something none of them had ever imagined they would ever see.

Lanie knelt down beside Castle, gentle placing a hand on his shoulder. "Castle?" Lanie started, but Castle didn't even acknowledge her.

This time, Espo tried. "Hey Castle, she's gone man. You've gotta' let her go. CSU is here to take over."

Still, Castle ignored them... he continued to hold onto Beckett as tightly as he could.

"Castle... Rick, come on, she's gone. Honey, I'm so sorry but she's gone. You've got to let her go. CSU is here, they need to process the scene." Lanie said, again.

This time, Castle looked up, still cradling Beckett. He was covered in blood, eyes full of tears. "I can't leave her, Lanie... I just... I love her... so much. This can't be real. This can't be real." Castle cried.

"I know how much you love her, Castle. I loved her too, she was my best friend... but she's gone, Rick." Lanie said, trying so hard to be strong.

"Come on, man. We need to let CSU process the scene so we can catch this bastard!" Esposito said.

"I can't leave her..." Castle cried.

After about 40 minutes & CSU practically having to drag Castle away from the scene, the Team left & headed to the 12th. It was the worse night of Castle's life, a night that changed his entire world forever.

End Flashback...

A few stray tears slipped down Richard Castle's face, as his mind filled with memories from that night. Over the following the days, there was no trace of Jerry Tyson or Doctor Kelly Nieman. Worse still, Gates had removed Ryan & Esposito from the case, noting that they were too close to the investigation. Lanie was also removed & was unable to do any work on the case.

It had now been over 2 months, the case had seemingly went cold. There were no leads, no signs, no sightings. Nothing.

Since the death of Detective Kate Beckett, Richard Castle had not stepped foot inside the 12th. He just couldn't bear to be there, to be in their place, the place where they had spent so much time together. He ignored calls from everyone. pushed everyone away.

Some days, Castle would do "okay" but most days, he was just going through the motions. Nights were the worse... the long, lonely nights when he used to do so much writing or spending time with his beloved wife. Now, those nights were filled with alcohol, memories, & tears.

Tonight, Castle just couldn't take it anymore... he grabbed his coat & headed off to talk to the only person in this world who could ever give him some clarity.

The Thunder roared, Lightning lit up the Cemetery as the rain poured down. Richard Castle stood alone, not caring that he was getting soaking wet. He came to the place where his beloved wife had been laid to rest, right beside her Mother. Castle knelt down, placing his shaky hand on her headstone... tracing the letters of her name with his fingers.

"I don't know what to do, Kate." Castle cried. "I am so lost without you. I miss you so much... Kate... I am so so sorry!"

Suddenly, a gentle hand touched Castle's shoulder... he jumped quickly, turning to face whoever it was that was with him. There stood Doctor Lanie Parish.

"Hey, I'm sorry Rick." Lanie started. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Lanie... what are you doing here?" Castle asked.

"I've been calling..." Lanie replied.

"I know... I'm sorry, it's just so hard." Castle said.

"I know sweetie." Lanie said. "I went to your place & you weren't there. I figured I'd find you here."

"I just... I miss her so much, Lanie." Castle cried. "This is all my fault."

"No, Rick... none of this is your fault." Lanie soothed.

"It is!" Castled said, his tone a little more harsh than he intended. "You don't know what it's like, Lanie... I see it, that night, over & over. I hear her yell, I see the bullets rips through her body. The blood... God, there was so much blood."

Castle was sobbing now, Lanie pulled him into her arms, wrapping him tightly in her embrace.

"I loved her, so much..." Castle cried.

Lanie immediately smelled the alcohol on Castle. She let go of her friend, placing her hands on his shoulders & extending her arms to face him. "Rick, have you been drinking? Did you drive out here after you've been drinking? In this weather?" Lanie questioned.

Castle just sighed & shrugged his shoulders. "What does it matter?"

"What does it matter?" Lanie exclaimed, "Castle, it's raining cats & dogs outside... you're out driving drunk. What if you'd gotten into an accident?"

"That'd be a shame." Castle said, so low it was almost a whisper.

"Rick..." Lanie started. "Rick, look at me."

Castle's tear filled eyes met Lanie's.

"You've got to stop this, Rick." Lanie started. "Kate loved you, very much. This isn't what she would want. It would kill her to sell you like this."

"I don't know if I can do this, Lanie..." Castle cried. "I close my eyes & I see her, covered in blood. It's like I'm losing her over & over again. Nothing helps, nothing makes the pain go away. I don't know if I can live without her."

"Don't you dare say that!" Lanie snapped. "What about Alexis, Martha? They need you in their lives!"

"I know." Castle said, sadly. "I just... I don't know how to get past this."

Lanie sighed. "You know, when I was 13 years old... I had a best friend. Her name was Casey Johnson. We did everything together. Casey & I were supposed to go swimming Labor Day Weekend, but I was sick so I stayed him."

Castle listened, as Lanie spoke softly.

"On the way home from the Lake, there was an accident. A car crossed the center line... Casey was killed." Lanie explained. "I was heartbroken. I just couldn't help but think, if I had only been there, things might have been different. I also felt so guilty because I was supposed to be there too. I became very depressed."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know..." Castle said.

"The point is, I was in a really bad place after Casey died. Until a good friend told me, the same thing I just told you. Casey, she wouldn't have wanted me to live the way I was living. It would have torn her apart to see me the way I was... it would break Kate's heart to see you like this, Castle."

"I love her so much..." Castle cried.

"I know, Rick... I loved her too." Lanie said. "She was my best friend. Do you think this has been easy on me?"

"No..." Castle replied.

"There's nothing I can do to bring her back, there's nothing you can do either... except move on. Sometimes in life, we've got to make them proud." Lanie said.

Castle just nodded.

"You've got to stop pushing people away." Lanie continued. "You have Alexis, Martha, me, & a whole lot of other people who will be here for you, if you just let us."

Castle knew, deep down, that what Lanie was saying was right. He had to move on, somehow.

"Now, we're both soaking wet... let's get you home." Lanie said.

In a dark, cold room... in a cabin, somewhere deep in the woods... she lay bound to a bed. Worn down from thirst & hunger, it had been so long, exactly how long, she was not sure... Time in captivity was starting to take it's toll. She was weak. She was starting to lose hope of ever being found... if she would ever make it out of this living hell, alive.

To Be Continued...

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