Even for me, it was quite a shock to learn that Kazuma did indeed ally with a General of the Devil King, and even more so as to that General's identity. Thankfully, as the involved parties have since passed away, and I have received permission from their estates to share these details, I can now publish this chapter. -NS

In a deeply disturbing trend that would unfortunately continue for far too long, the next few days I was dragged into an increasingly dire set of circumstances: Being forced to actually work. Work, you see, is not the natural state of one of my people, as the essence of NEEThood is to be a useless layabout who indulges themselves day in and day out. I tried to return to my old habits, using every trick I knew.

The first day, I feigned illness, which wasn't that hard, as I was actually a fair bit hungover. I lay on my straw matt, trying to sleep, even when Yunyun came early in the morning to ask me to join her for breakfast.

"Just bring something up and lay it at my doorstep," I groaned. "I think I've come down with something. Perhaps my wounds are festering. My head is pounding, my throat is sore, and I feel as though every muscle in my body aches."

"Oh no! Don't worry, Kazuma, we'll make sure you're better soon!" Yunyun called.

I smirked, thinking this meant the girls would find a quest on their own and leave me to my own devices. I even pretended to be asleep the next time a knock came at the door, faking a snore. Only for said door to click open when someone slid a thin knife in to lift up the latch. I jerked up to see a grinning Eris sheathing her knife.

"I might not be a Thief anymore, but for some things you don't need skills," Eris giggled. Then she knelt down, feeling my forehead. "Hmm, seems like you are suffering from exhaustion and a bit of an alcohol overdose."

"Yes, I'll be fine in a day or too," I croaked, hamming up my maladies for all I was worth. "Don't worry about me, you girls can-"

"Heal!"

Vitality pulsed through my body, and I jerked up as the soreness in my muscles was soothed away and my headache vanished. I blinked stupidly at Eris as she smiled.

"I guess a NEET isn't really used to daily exercise. Well, you've made some big changes, we wouldn't want to lose your progress! Come, let's eat some breakfast. Perhaps you can talk Iris out of trying to awaken the Kowloon Hydra. I think that might be a bit much for us just now."

"What!?" I gasped, and threw off my blanket, heedless of Eris' presence. Scrambling into my clothes, I dashed downstairs to find a grinning Iris.

"Big Bro, have you ever heard of the Kowloon Hydra!? It is a fearsome monster, and tales say it is located near Axel, if we-"

"Iris," I gasped, putting my hands on her shoulders. "We were nearly slaughtered by a couple of Beginner's Banes. Do you really think we're ready to face a legendary monster?"

Iris' expression fell. "Well, no, but-"

"No buts," I said firmly. "We're going to take things easy for a bit. We need practice before we do anything reckless. Now, you sit down and eat some breakfast, and I'll pick out a quest for us."

I was halfway to the board before I realized what I'd said. Idiot! Moron! I'd just volunteered not only for actual work, but to pick out the very way in which I imperiled my own life! Still, whatever I got had to be better than THAT.

Instead, I got us a quest to clear out a local mine of some kobolds. I figured, how bad can kobolds be? They're just starter enemies.

Well as it turns out, pretty bad. I lost an eye that Eris had to replace when one of the little buggers jumped me even though I was lurking behind Yunyun as she blasted away. I heard a rustling noise, and had just enough time to wipe my head around when the damned little lizard thing jumped out from a crack in the rock and clamped onto my skull, and bit me square in the eye.

Thankfully, Iris had been doing a far better job of sticking with the rest of us, and sprinted back to rip the thing off my head. Sadly, my eye went with it. I lay on the ground moaning and bleeding, until Eris repaired the damage. Still, I managed to milk the girls' sympathy for the rest of the day, and got to go to bed early that evening.

The next day it was raining, and even Iris agreed that the trauma of losing an eye meant I deserved a day off, especially as it was Fortunday, the local day of rest. Eris insisted we all go to attend religious services, though she wore a shawl and veil for the whole thing, as did the other two girls. Iris to disguise herself, and Yunyun because she didn't want to feel left out. I would have used the opportunity to get more shut eye, but Eris kept elbowing me whenever I started to doze off. Apparently, she took church going rather seriously. That was fine, it was her job after all, but why did I have to care?

I planned our delay far more carefully the following morning. I left my Adventurer's card in the bathwater the night before, and I put my sword outside where it would be sure to be stolen. It was time to cultivate my persona as "Kazuma the Absent Minded" who was always losing his possessions. I also took the extra step of finding and relocating the local roosters to the other side of town, so that they wouldn't crow and wake my companions. It took me several hours after dark, but I cackled gleefully to myself once I had done so, secure in the knowledge that I would have a pleasant lay in, then spend most of the day replacing my sword and Adventurer's card.

Which was why it was ever so irritating when at the crack of dawn, an Explosion rattled the building. Apparently, Chris' group had taken a quest to defeat more Giant Toads, and a few had ventured rather close to town. Megumin, upon spying them, had gleefully used her magic spell, which had shattered the early morning peace. That was bad enough, but worse was when Iris banged on my door and told me she had a surprise for me.

Groaning, I forced myself out of bed, as once Iris decided I was going to get up, she was ready to break down the door to make sure that happened. I made a great show of clattering about my room, then proclaimed, "My sword! It's gone! I don't know what I've done with it!"

"Oh, don't worry about that, Kazuma! Come on! Yunyun and I have something for you!" Iris called cheerily.

Suspiciously, I opened the door and followed Iris down to the guildhall, where a blushing Yunyun was waiting with a brightly wrapped package.

"Surprise!" Iris cried, grinning and bobbing up and down. "You've been working so hard, and saying we need better gear to help you out! Well, Yunyun and I pooled our money, and got you a special present!"

"You shouldn't have," I said, feeling a sense of dread as I took the package from Yunyun, who blushed and smiled at me.

"I-it's a thank you, and, um, because friends get presents for one another. And, um, you did save me from that kobold, so…"

"Well, now I feel bad I didn't get either of you two anything," I said, which to me was basically a polite nothing. The blushes on the two girls' faces though, set off alarm bells in my head. The news that Yunyun was the daughter of a Chief of the Lunatic Mage Tribe really made me think twice about trying to get frisky with her, and Darkness' less than subtle reminder of the consequences of Lèse-majesté meant I really didn't want to be triggering any flags for Iris either.

Honestly, I was sort of hoping I could get close to Luna, the busty receptionist at the guild. She was a few years older than me, true, but that just meant no one would be calling me PedoNEET as they had back home.

To my abject horror, inside the package I found a gleaming curved sword, fashioned in the style of a wakizashi, along with brand new padded leather armor, perfect for freedom of movement, but also providing decent protection.

"Um, Eris said this is what swords from your homeland are like," Yunyun said, looking nervous. "We, um, we hope you like it."

Slowly, I picked up the wakizashi, and for a moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia instead of revulsion. I hadn't spent much time considering that I would never see my parents or anyone else from Japan again. True, my parents were always yelling at me to get a life and go back to school, and everyone else had called me endless derisive terms, but still. It had been home, and I couldn't go back. I found myself fighting back tears.

"It's perfect," I managed, my voice hoarse. "Thank you. I'll have to think of a suitable name for it."

"Oh, and this," Iris said, fishing in her robe and pulling out my damnable Adventurer's card. "Luna said they found this in the bath again. You really have to be more careful with this, Kazuma!"

"Oh. Great. Thank you," I groaned, and took the card and pocketed it.

"I have already selected our quest," Eris proclaimed, coming over and showing us the card. "There is a zombie infestation at the local cemetery. As a goddess, it is my duty to ensure that the dead pass on peaceably. We shall remove this menace, so that my followers may rest in peace."

"Zombies, eh?" I asked, scratching at my chin. "Well, you're super effective against the undead, yes?"

"Yes. I'm not quite as talented as Aqua at destroying demons and the undead, but I am still a goddess. Though, unfortunately, the undead will be attracted to my holy aura, so we must be on our toes."

I grimaced. That did not sound promising. Then I reconsidered. "Attracted, you say? Well. Perhaps we can set a trap then."

As we were rather flush with cash, I decided the thing to do would be to acquire some anti-zombie weaponry. Eris said she could make holy water, and so we spent the day having her bless several barrels of the stuff. I also acquired a few extra skills after some asking around, picking up both Basic Magic, Evasion, and Snipe. I also obtained a slingshot, which I had a small degree of skill with already.

That evening, we set up in the graveyard, setting several carefully prepared traps with the holy water that Iris or Yunyun could trigger to detonate. Then, we dug in to wait as the sun set. The air was tense, and I shivered not from the cold, for it was a balmy evening, but from the prospect of encountering several fearsome undead. Horror movies always gave me the willies.

"I can sense the restless spirits stirring," Eris said, grasping her staff, her face starting to twist into a snarl. "The unholy creatures awaken. We must purge them!"

"Not yet," I said quietly. "Hold on. I don't see any zombies yet. This is no good if we just get rid of a little ghost or two. The quest is specifically to kill the zombie master that's raising the corpses. We don't want to have wasted the money for the barrels."

The longer we waited, the more foes I sensed, though they were all fairly minor. Eris started to growl deep in her throat, until I gently patted her on the back. "Down, girl. We'll kill the undead soon enough."

"They're already dead," Eris spat. "We just need to put them back where they belong!"

"Yes, let us charge!" Iris begged. "I can slaughter them all!"

"There's only ghosts right now as far as I can see. We should just-" I suddenly froze, as I suddenly felt as though something had walked over my grave. I swallowed. "Eris. Is that the zombie master?"

The gleam of Eris' feral grin shown in the dim moonlight. "No. That is a lich. The strongest of the undead."

I very nearly wet myself at the news, but I swallowed and did my best to appear in control of the situation. "Very well. Wait until it approaches one of the barrels, then douse them in the stuff."

The ghosts and other spirits began to moan and shift, being drawn towards the beacon of unlife within their midst. A robed figure made their way to the center of the graveyard, picking their way through the tombstones. They were just about to one of the barrels, and Yunyun stood up, readying one of her spells.

"Yunyun?!" the robed figure cried in a surprisingly breathy voice. "What are you doing here!? Don't you know it's dangerous?!"

"I-I, um, oh! Wiz, get over here! There's a lich and we're going to kill it!" Yunyun hissed.

I could scarcely believe my eyes and ears. "Yunyun, that IS the lich! Kill it now!"

"What!? No! That's Wiz, she's my friend!" Yunyun protested, spinning about. "She's the shop keeper of the magic item store! She's where Megumin and I go to hang out sometimes!"

"I'll lay this abomination to rest myself!" Eris snarled, raising her staff. "Sacred Tur-OOF!"

Yunyun tackled Eris, sobbing. "No! You can't! Wiz is really nice! She's not a bad guy!"

"W-wait!" Wiz the Lich sobbed, running over. That was when I realized that the robes were concealing some rather impressive assets. Weren't liches supposed to be boney? This one was closer to voluptuous. "P-please, I know I'm a lich, I'm sorry! I'm just here to put the spirits in this graveyard to rest! If you're here for the zombies, well, um, they just sort of show up wherever I go...I try to get rid of them, really! But they always seem to come back…"

"Hold, fiend!" Iris cried, springing forward and pointing her sword at Wiz's throat. "Lich's are an enemy of the kingdom! In fact, you match the description of one of the most notorious, the Ice Witch herself, General of the Devil King!"

"Oh, um, yes, well, you see, I'm sort of retired," Wiz said, backing away from Iris' sword. "I just maintain the Devil King's barrier. In exchange, he promised not to harm any innocent lives!"

"Iris no!" Yunyun wailed. "You can't hurt her! Remember, we went to her shop! She served us tea, she's really nice!"

That made Iris hesitate, though Eris was still struggling and demanding to be allowed to "purge the unclean" and other such lovely things.

Sighing, I squatted down by Eris. "Listen. I know you have something of an antipathy towards the undead. This does, however, appear to be an exceptional case and-"

"Look out!" Wiz cried. "Oh no, the zombies are back! Please, stay back, I'll-"

"Can I at least kill the zombies, Yunyun?" Iris demanded, sounding exasperated. "You're not friends with them too are you?"

When Yunyun shook her head, Iris grinned and sprang to the attack, gleefully shredding the zombies with magic and her blade.

"Oh my," Wiz said, sounding faint. "She's, er, rather enthusiastic, isn't she? And that magic...It reminds me of my dear friend Alice from my adventuring days."

That pronouncement made Iris stumble, and I actually had to Snipe a zombie with my slingshot. "Keep your head in the game! Don't be distracted in a fight, er, Alice!"

"Sorry, Big Bro! I'll pay better attention!" Iris called.

Not that it really mattered. In hindsight, a dozen zombies could have wailed on Iris for an hour and it might have tickled her enough to wake her from a light doze, if only for long enough for her to eliminate them and go back to her snooze.

When the zombies were dealt with, Yunyun got Eris to promise to not immediately banish Wiz, and let her up. Eris was breathing hard through her nose, her nostrils flaring and her hands had a white knuckle grip on the staff, but she managed to contain herself.

"Um, just let me finish the ritual to guide the souls on, then we can leave before I accidentally summon more zombies. It always happens when I'm in graveyards," Wiz lamented. "Then we can go to my shop and talk this over. Really, I don't mean to cause any harm, I-"

"O lost souls, I bid thee to thy rest eternal. Sleep now, in peace, with the blessings of mine hand, and my fortune ever favor you," Eris chanted, and the wailing of the ghosts vanished immediately. Wiz let out a cry and collapsed, causing Yunyun to rush to her side.

"Wiz! Are you OK?"

Shakily, Wiz got to her feet with Yunyun's help. "Um, yes, I just...I nearly passed on then. That...that wasn't even a magic spell, I just...it was like I heard the voice of Eris herself, calling me home…"

"Hmph," Eris said, folding her arms under her (padded, I checked) breasts and glaring at Wiz. "Perhaps you should have had the good sense to listen."

Wiz's mouth made a small "O" and she went even paler than before.

"Fortuna, I must ask that you refrain from banishing Wiz until I have had time to speak with her," Iris said firmly. "I recall my mother once Adventured with a woman named Wiz, and from what little I know, she spoke kindly of her."

"Your mother?" Wiz asked faintly, studying Iris' face in the dim light. "Oh sweet Eris, I-"

"If you take my name in vain again, not even my friend's plees will save you, lich," Eris growled. "Come. I grow tired of waiting."

"Yunyun," Wiz whispered as we made our way out of the graveyard. "Um, just who ARE your friends?"

"W-what do you mean? Um, there's Kazuma, he's, er, foreign, I guess, and um, Alice, who-"

"Yunyun, is her name really Alice?" Wiz asked. "Because she does look an awful lot like the Alice I knew, only her daughter's name is, um, well…"

"You did not notice before because I kept my hood up," Iris said as we walked along. "You knew my mother, Alice Ford Belzerg nee Dustiness, Rune Knight and consort to the king?"

"Oh! Um, yes, er, your Highness, I-"

"Please, call me Alice here. I took my mother's name when I set out on my own Adventuring career. I would like to hear some stories of her travels, if you don't mind. Though I must say, you look very young to have been one of my mother's companions. She quit Adventuring when Jatis was born. Though, she did fight that damnable Dulahan whose curse slew her," Iris growled.

"I know. I couldn't prevent it...I'm so sorry…" Wiz said, looking troubled, and slightly translucent as we approached her shop.

"Why? You're one of them," Eris snapped. "Why should you care what your comrades do?"

"Let's just sit down and talk about this. Wiz looks like she's about to fade out of reality. In fact, Fortuna, why don't you go back to the graveyard and make sure you get all your undead purging out of your system," I said, putting a hand on the goddess' shoulder. I leaned close to her ear. "Because if you keep talking, she's going to figure out who you are, and I just don't see that being information we want to just be handing out, especially not to a general of the Devil King. Bad enough she knows who Iris is."

Eris looked up at me, glaring, but I folded my arms across my chest and raised an eyebrow.

"Fine. But if she tries anything, I'm coming back and making sure she passes on like she was supposed to!" Eris stalked off, rolling the sleeves of her robe up and muttering under her breath. Even I could sense the holy aura radiating off of her.

"Oh my," Wiz whimpered. "I didn't realize the goddess herself had come. Do you think...would she be willing to resurrect me?"

I blinked and turned, looking at Wiz incredulously. "Wouldn't that kill you?"

"Well, yes, but then maybe she could restore me to life," Wiz explained. "I...I don't want to be a lich. All I want to do is to run my shop, find a good man, and settle down to have a few children. That's what a woman of my age should be doing…"

Iris frowned as we went inside the shop. "Aren't you at least 40? That's about how old my mother would have been, and-"

"I died when I was 20, so that's how old I am!" Wiz snapped, flushing slightly. "You can't get any older while you're dead!" Oh good. I had worried one of the women I met would be sane.

"That would be nice," I muttered. Maybe I should have become a lich. Eternal youth would have been nice, though it would have made Eris' visits over the years a tad awkward.

"So, you really did know my mother then?" Iris asked, sounding slightly plaintive.

Wiz nodded. "Yes, I did. I even knew your father, back when he was a prince. Though only for a little while. Then, well...then I died."

"But to become a lich, you have to do a ritual and kill yourself," Yunyun said, frowning. "Why'd you do it? You don't seem evil?"

"Because...I was dying, and so was Alice" Wiz admitted. "I wanted to save my friend. We had fought the Devil King and his generals many times, but we always failed. I ended up mortally wounded, and one of the Generals, Vanir the Duke of Hell, offered to save me. He is...well, our relationship is complicated, but suffice to say he'd grown fond of me over our battles. He shared my belief in saving innocent lives, and persuaded me to help him curb the Devil King's desire for destruction. I ended up doing the ritual to become a lich even as I was near to death. It did save most of my friends, but Alice…"

Iris suddenly froze, then slowly tightened her grip on her sword. "Did you...did you have anything to do with the death of my mother?"

"No. I'm just sorry I couldn't save her," Wiz said softly. "I might have been able to protect her from the Dulahan's Curse, but when I found her after my transformation, it was too late."

Iris hesitated, then nodded. "I suppose you can't know every Dulahan. She did save father though, so I guess that's something. But I'm going to avenger her, and defeat the Devil King myself! That way, I can choose whoever I want to marry, and no one can stop me!"

"If I can do anything to help you, your highness, I-"

"Don't call me that!" Iris said, sounding exasperated. "I'm incognito! Plus, you knew my mom, so there's no need to be so formal. Oh, and call me Alice. And call-"

"Our priestess is Fortuna," I interrupted. "But call me Kazuma." Or anytime, really. Wiz really was a knockout, even if she was undead. And slightly unhinged, but that was par for the course it seemed.

"Very well, Alice. I don't think it will be hard for me to remember that. You do look a lot like your mother," Wiz said, giving Iris a warm smile. She let out a heavy sigh. "I will need to do something about the graveyard though. All those poor lost souls…"

"I think perhaps we can find a solution to that. Our priestess has ah, a degree of influence in the Eris Church," I said, and Wiz gave me a suspicious look. "We'll make sure someone takes over in the graveyard for you. I trust that will put an end to our little zombie problem?"

"Yes! Oh, thank you, that's so kind of you to do!" Wiz said, giving me a sweet smile. "And...um, sometime...I'd like to meet with your um, priestess. Tell her...tell her I still have faith! I...I don't want to be a lich forever! I just...as long as people need a protector, I will be there. I can't oppose the Devil King directly, I'm really quite weak for a lich. But what I can do, I will. And...and if one day, you need me to lower his barriers, even if it means my life...I'll do it. For Alice."

"Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that," I said. And not just because that meant I'd have to dispose of some of the loveliest breasts I'd ever seen, but because it meant I'd be fighting the Devil King, and that sounded hazardous.

We found Eris stalking around outside, her nostrils flaring as she glared at where Wiz was.

"Come on, chief," I said, putting my hands on Eris' shoulders and attempting to steer her back towards the guildhall. "We've got a few things to talk about."

"Like destroying that unnatural abomination and putting an end to one of the Devil King's generals?" Eris demanded, struggling against my grip. She was actually quite strong, and resisted my efforts.

However, Yunyun got on Eris' other side, and we managed to push her back towards our domicile. "Wiz is actually really nice, Eris! She even, um, well, she wants to help people! Did you cleanse the graveyard?"

"Yes, but that place is cursed. It will have to be done again, drawing her unnatural kind towards it!" Eris snapped.

"Well, then, I suppose as the goddess of the largest religion here in Belzerg, you could see it in your heart to have some of your clergy attend to such a task?" I asked.

"What? Why? There's no money in that," Eris pointed out.

That was, actually, a very valid point, and I really didn't have a retort for that. Yunyun, however, did.

"Eris! You claim to be a goddess, yet you have no pity for the dead? I thought you hated the undead, don't you want to help restless souls?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"No buts! Wiz is our friend, and we promised we would help her," Yunyun said firmly. "So you find a way to make sure the graveyard is kept purified. Kazuma promised, and you wouldn't want to make him a liar, would you?"

I managed to suppress a snort of laughter. One would have to work very hard indeed to find a way to make me more of a liar than I made myself every time I opened my mouth.

The connection between Wiz and Her Majesty is, of course, fascinating, and offers an insight into their relationship; it is rare for an outsider to be given such an intimate perspective. Even someone as closely involved as I am personally am was not privy to the entirety of the details of Wiz's involvement in the Devil King's defeat, nor her early relationship with Eris and her church. And of course, it explains much of Kazuma's later successes, and perhaps explains his attitudes towards the whole thing. -NS

Authors Note:

Hey guys, Full-Paragon here. I'll try not to make a habit of this, but I just wanted to let you know I'm not certain when the next update will be. I'm going in for surgery this week, and I might not have access to my computer for a few days as I recover. If all goes according to plan I'll update on schedule like normal, but I might miss an update or two. Don't worry, it should be a pretty simple procedure, and within a week or so we'll be back to regularly scheduled updates.