I am NOT dead, for any of u wondering.

Anyways, this story is meant to be poorly written with a dusting of my humor in it.

Prepare thineself

You may begin

Blu is a last-of-the-species spix's macaw living in Minnesota as a pet to Linda. Then a Brazilian man named Tulio comes to inform that there is a hot single Brazilian housewife waiting to meet him in Brazil that Blu should go check out and save the species. They accept and go to Rio. Blu meets his female counterpart (named Jewel) which goes wrong because of a simple misunderstanding and things out of Blu's control. Also because of Jewel's bitchyness.

Anyways, they are stolen by some homeless 9 year old and are brought to a smugglers den. Jewel tries to escape but is halted by Nigel, a boomer cockatoo. Then they are chained together and put in a cage and the cage is hung with a ton of other birds. Nigel sings a song for no reason and fly's away. Then Blu unlocks the cage, but is unable to fly so Jewel gets mad at him again for something he can't control and they run away on foot (or should I say talon?). Because of reasons unknown, Nigel notices them and pursues them. They somehow get away despite have a heavy disadvantage and sleep at a gazebo thing.

Then they roll out in the morning and meet a toucan named Raphael who says he can get their chain off but they need to get there by flying but blu cant fly so he has to teach blu how to fly in a day whilst blu is chained to Jewel (that was an intentional run on sentence there). So he has them jump off a cliff. But Blu doesn't fly and instead Blu and Jewel land on a hang glider. Then Blu messes it up (again) and they hit the sand.

There is a truck and Raphael somehow knows that it will take him near to some sketchy guy named Luis who will get their chain off.

Keep in mind Linda and Tulio are shitting their pants trying to find Blu and Jewel, and are even teaming up with that homeless 9 year old.

They get there and these club guys tell them to go in the club so they do. Now Jewel hates Blu less because he showed her his enthusiastic, attention whore dance, and even goes for the kiss, but they are thwarted once again by some monkeys. They kick the monkey's crusty asses and go on a conveniently timed trolly to Luis.

They get to Luis and the chain comes off and they do the "unknowing couple fight before climax of the movie" cliche

Then while Jewel is flying away, Nigel comes and captures her and uses her as bait to his trap to get Blu there as well. The location of the trap? A weird chicken float at Carnival. Nigel also somehow got all the other birds captured as well.

Blu takes the bait and is captured with Jewel. They are put in a plane and it takes off.

Then blu frees everyone but Nigel is still a threat, so he kamehameha's (not really, it's a movie about birds, how could they perform a kamehameha?) Nigel's crusty ass into a propeller. Jewel somehow damages her wing and falls off. Blu contemplates his life and jumps off and grabs Jewel. He says some soft shit and Jewel kisses him, which gives him the ability to fly (don't ask me).

They fly down to a despaired Tulio and Linda and they are enlightened. They all live happily ever after hooray hurrah. Then blu and Jewel fuck hooray hurrah yada yada someone play the cheesy happy ending music.

Finished this at 23:06... I need some sleep