Summary: An account of the most glorious adventures of Minsc and Boo with their...WITCHES?

Disclaimer: Despite the label, this fic is in no way based on The Witches of Eastwick, neither the novel by John Updike nor the 1987 film. I am just a terrible thinker of titles!

The Witches of Minscwick

"Go for the eyes, Boo," Minsc roared as he swung his great sword at the ogre, one of a pack of four rushing out of the nearby forest to raid the gnomish village of Understone.

An enquiring squeak piped up as the hamster braced himself on the ranger's shoulder.

"Of course. We will leave the knees for our little friends," Minsc added, feeling rather generous today.

He nodded at the gnomes not far behind, a troop of them rushing into the fray with their slings and crossbows. Against the marauders, the defenders of Understone bravely charged, led by the Rashemi at the battlefront. Minsc himself engaged the leader; the ranger strengthened, hastened, and emboldened by the village priestess' blessings and magic while the small folk kept the other foes distracted with their missiles. At the same instant, thick vines sprang from the grassy slope and entangled themselves around the ogres' massive legs even as the others behind the leader burst into fiery sparks when bolts of lightning streaked across the field to strike each monster.

Not too long and the battlefield lay littered with smoking and mangled corpses. Teams of mules were led in by the villagers to drag the bodies away. Best to keep the fields clean; one would never know when extra farming land might be required for more rutabagas.

As Minsc and the others made their way back to Understone, he was met along the path by its priestess and her acolyte. Unable to contain his delight at their victory, Minsc swooped down and hugged her.

"We did it, Little Aerie! The beastly ogres are no more and the village is safe! Even the grass fought alongside Minsc, growing huge and tangly and keeping the ogres still and waiting for their appointed butt-kicking," Minsc cheered as he hugged the elf. "Though Boo says he has never seen grass get this angry – perhaps he should lay off chewing on them when he is bored."

Aerie giggled but smiled knowingly as she winked down at the young acolyte beside them, a young gnomish girl looking up with awestruck eyes at the towering Rashemi.

"Baervan and Aerdrie Faenya made sure of the safety of our brave protectors, Minsc. Oh, but I'm just glad everyone's all right. Let's return to the village now, shall we?" she said, relieved.

Minsc set her down. "We shall! For the good little people must hear of how Minsc and Boo mightily chopped up the evil ogres into side salad!"

That night, the village of Understone celebrated its heroes with a great feast, serving their prized produce – roasted rutabaga on spits, rutabaga on beds of radish, rutabaga hash, rutabaga stew, rutabaga custard, and rutabaga root beer. As Minsc mowed down plates upon plates, and piles upon piles of dishes, the gnomes shook their heads.

"There goes an entire acre," they would say, sweating.

Though the joke escaped him, Minsc thought it must be a whimsy jape among the small folk, for each time one of them said so, Aerie chuckled and laughed. Nervously.

Indeed for a great many more days, the Rashemi dwelt in the village, ensuring their small territory remained well defended. Not a difficult feat, however, for the gnomes of this land were under the protection of a most powerful priestess, one who has mastered the Weave and channeled the favor of two deities.

But soon, the time came for the ranger and his hamster to leave. Aerie herself brought him news that he was being called away. On the day of departure, Minsc bid his Witch and his hosts a fond farewell.

"Minscwick of Rashemen, the Masked Leaf watch over your journeyings, the woodlands before your feet ever friendly and wide," Aerie pronounced, face solemn in her duty as the village priestess, waving a blessing at their protector.

Removing the ceremonial green cap from her head, Aerie broke into a wistful smile and gave Boo a kiss on his furry little ear before returning the hamster to his minder. "I wish you could stay much longer. But we are bound by the Agreement and I must relinquish you until we have need of your help once more."

Minsc gave her a tight hug. "Oh, do not be sad, my Witch. We will see each other again for Minsc and Boo are ever ready to aid the goodly gnomes of Understone."

He adjusted the sword in his baldric. "But for now, our other Witch beckons and we cannot tarry."

Aerie smiled and began an incantation to teleport her friends to meet with their Second Witch. Ranger and hamster were haloed by flickering light and then disappeared with a bright pop.

In a room of polished stone they found themselves, a vast and high-ceiled sanctuary fitted out with furniture of expensive wood and make, lined with shelves crammed with tomes. Surrounding them were various tables laid out bearing jars and open boxes of powders and dried herbs, potion bottles and more books.

Minsc blinked and his gaze alighted at the woman who stood before him, the face beneath the hood reminding him of warm memories of daring adventures. Boo squeaked an excited greeting. Minsc glanced with a wide grin at the hamster on his shoulder. Indeed, the little fellow always seemed extra thrilled when it was this Witch's turn to host them.

Nalia pulled back her cowl and beamed. "I thank you for heeding my call, dear friends. I trust Aerie and her constituents are faring well?"

Minsc let out a cry of joy and lifted her up in a bear hug. Lady Nalia may not be as tough as bark like their druid friend Jaheira, but neither was she a fragile feather like their First Witch Aerie.

An audible crack echoed across the chamber, a crack which suspiciously sounded like a fractured bone. Boo squeaked worriedly.

"Oh, no! Minsc is sorry!" the ranger apologized as he set her down. "Boo and I were only very happy to see you."

She waved at him dismissively. "Worry not yourself. I feel no pain at all."

But Nalia felt at her side as if making sure, eyes widening as her hand patted at a rather obviously dislocated rib cage. "Oh dear, not again. I just fixed it the other day. I may have to cook up another setting paste. Perhaps I should use powdered dragon bone this time," she chuckled good-naturedly.

Minsc noticed something different about her, but he couldn't quite put a finger on it. Boo's whiskers twitched a tad too nervously.

"Could Minsc's eyes be playing tricks or is your cheek peeling like an orange, not a ripe orange but an orange left out on the roof and under in the summer sun for too long?" he asked as he pointed at a sliver of leathery skin hanging by the side of the woman's face.

Nalia quickly slapped a palm against her cheek, pressing at it, and laughed nervously. "Oh, pay it no mind. It's merely the weather around these parts. You know how noble folk have such sensitive and delicate skin."

She turned to the side and gestured at a journal upon the table. Unseen hands flipped through the pages while a feather pen levitated and inked itself on a pot. Nalia wriggled her fingers as the seemingly sentient pen scribbled on the blank pages.

"Note to self," she murmured, ignoring the puzzled looks from the ranger. "To avoid being seen in my true physical state, set the illusory enchantment to recast of its own accord. Even when there are no visitors."

Once finished, she snapped a finger and whispered an incantation. Her entire body shimmered and glowed. Nalia smiled and patted at her cheeks, once more fresh and supple as they had been beneath the perpetual smudge of mud and dust in her former days of slumming and adventuring.

"Presentable now, I hope?"

Minsc rubbed his chin, befuddled. "You are pretty again, just like when we last saw you. Though you reminded me of this old ghostly fellow at the crypt who didn't want to give the crumbly scroll to Edwina's Evil Twin Brother."

Boo interjected, pitched and indignant. Minsc shrugged his shoulder. "But Boo says that is just what happens when you do not get enough of the glorious sunshine and outdoors because you are busy now with being a great wizard."

"Ah, how sweet and understanding of you, Boo," Nalia cooed as she beamed and reached out a hand to stroke the hamster's head. Flicking a finger, a shelled walnut near the size of half a hand materialized in her palm. Boo meeped in happiness as he grabbed at the treat.

"You see, old friend, due to my current, hmmm… condition, I can no longer venture outside as much as I wish. Thus, I need your help in performing a great and noble task for me out there."

"Ooh! A quest! We remember kind Lady Nalia always wanting to help the poor defenseless peoples of the Slums! What glorious deeds are required of Minsc and Boo? Destroy any wicked slavers who have returned to befoul the City? Save one of the villages in your lands from vicious ogres? Slay another dragon in the backyard of your far-door neighbor Lord Windspear?"

Nalia's eyes darted to the side. "Well, not quite anything like those. But it does involve the Slums."

The following day, the Rashemi and his hamster stood at the end of a long table set out in front of the Copper Coronet, laid with rows upon rows of wooden bowls and several pots of soup.

"Well, Boo, when our Witch Nalia said we are going to lead the Annual Fight Against Hunger in Athkatla Day, I thought she meant slaying ravenous ghouls feasting on the flesh of innocent people," Minsc sighed, tugging at his apron, more like two aprons hastily sewn together to accommodate his considerable girth. He was answered with a contented squeak as Boo busied himself in a large bag of seeds hanging at the ranger's belt.

"At least, our Witch is never stingy with your nuts, eh?"

Daleson, one of the De'Arnise servants, ladled soup in bowls and handed them out to the rabble lined up for the free feeding. He grinned affably at the Rashemi.

"I know you're better suited for fighting work but Captain Arat and his men are already dealing with the security at the Keep and in the lands. Must be a busy tenday for them since he couldn't assign a bodyguard for this year's soup kitchen. Still, it's a good thing Lady Nalia summoned you this time. Normally she'd accompany us for she loves doing this for the poor folk, but she couldn't anymore what with all that magic business she's in," the servant said.

A tumult erupted a block away from which people fled in droves, screaming. Minsc intercepted one of them, reaching out an arm and catching one man as he were a panicked bird smacking against a giant branch.

"My good fellow, what is the matter? What pile of stinking evil crawled out of the sewers and rolled in the filthiest garbage heap at the doorstep of the slimy cooing thief-man?" he questioned.

"A troll! A troll! I heard some Cowlie's apprentice at the Sphere accidentally summoned one and now it's outside and out of control!" the frightened chap twitted before he managed to extricate himself from Minsc's grasp and flapped away.

"Did you hear that, Boo? A foul troll terrorizing the citizens! Finally, a foe worthier than the cruddy soup cauldron in the Keep kitchens that refuses to shine under the diligent scrubbings of Minsc!" he cried, drawing his weapons, in one hand a sword and in the other, one recently acquired though not unfamiliar.

"And a good thing we borrowed this nice Flail of Many Colors from the library. Though it is strange why they kept this in a glass globe instead of in the armory with the swords and axes," Minsc puzzled out as he charged past the crowd.

One great battle later and an even messier clean-up after, Minsc and Daleson returned home, horses alive but traumatized and with the surviving half of the soup bowls and kettles. Waiting for them at the drawbridge, the Lady of the Keep glowered with impatience, perhaps even tapping her foot if she didn't seem to be floating an inch above the ground.

"Miiiiinnnnnsc," Nalia called to them as they approached, her tone in a sing-song manner, though oddly more reminiscent of funeral pipes. "Did you by chance take the Flail of Ages from my study?"

Grinning with undisguised guilt, Minsc gathered his shoulders, an errant berserker caught with a hand in the forbidden weapons rack. "Oh, now we remember, that is how you called that nice little flail. Mister Daleson and I were serving soup to the hungry folk when a troll rolled out of the giant metal ball sitting on one of the houses. You remember that strange rounded iron bunker? Where we dragged this Valygar fellow, though he kicked and screamed like only a bored and sleepy man could kick and scream, where we knocked on the metal door using his head, rid the place of cannibal half-people and fishmen and other ugly pests inside and-"

Boo interrupted with a tiny cough.

"Oh, forgive me. Yes, I took the flail and with it we bonked the troll on his ugly head, and first he froze, then melted, and finally burst into flames. Such a powerful flail it was. Although, we scratched it a bit. Sorry."

He pulled out the flail from his pack. Nalia looked as if she would scream at its sight. She bounded across the space between them, seemingly gliding like a shadow, snatching the flail from the ranger's hand. Cradling the weapon in her bosom, she seemed oblivious to the ichor, bone, and gore still clinging to its surface and soiling her robe.

"My phylactery!" she exclaimed, then seemingly caught herself. "I mean, my paperweight. Yes, my very precious expensive paperweight," she heaved in relief, her breath strangely echoing like the wind howling in an abandoned belfry.

"Minsc is sorry, Witch Nalia. Boo said I should have asked you first, but I did not listen."

Nalia looked up and smiled forgivingly. "Oh, trouble not yourself anymore. The flail is near indestructible anyway, which is why I chose it for my… ah, yes, desk décor," she explained a tad too brightly. The wizard hastily waved a hand, and a large pouch materialized out of thin air and floated towards Minsc who held out both hands to receive the gift, opening the bag to peer into the contents.

"And for faithfully reminding Minsc to be extra careful around the Keep, for Boo, a bag of pecans exported from Calimshan," Nalia said indulgently.

The hamster squeaked happily as he dove right into the pouch. Minsc grinned. Sometimes, he wondered if Nalia has always been Boo's favorite witch.

And so the ranger and his hamster stayed at the Keep for many more days, helping out with the repairs here and there, dealing with a troll or a gnoll or hobgoblins attacking the farms bordering the forests. And occasionally booting out a Roenall who dared to set a greedy toe into the De'Arnise lands.

Best of all, the never-ending dinner feasts! Formal suppers at the dining hall with Nalia, Captain Arat, and the Mayordomo where Minsc tore through all courses without heed or worry of rationing like they used to do in their old adventuring days. Afterwards followed by a good many rounds of ale with the servants and guards who took shifts drinking with the unquenchable Rashemi, themselves dutifully downing hangover cures brewed by the Lady herself in order to keep in top serving form the following day.

And what of Boo? Never had a hamster lived like a tiny king in a miniature castle. Though the little one shared a well-furnished room with the ranger, Boo had to himself an immense cage, lined with only the finest aspen wood shavings for bedding, gilded and fitted out with bejeweled brass wheels, a silver saucer of milk regularly replenished, golden bowls always filled with nuts, seeds, dried mealworms, hardboiled egg, and carrots.

"Someone has been up all night, burrowing and foraging. If I didn't say so myself, I think someone is getting a little paunchy in the hamster chin and tummy," Minsc would tease the little critter, grumpy from having its sleep disturbed so early in the morning.

But as before, Nalia eventually told them they were being summoned by their other Witch.

"I could construct a pair of flesh golems in your likenesses and send them to her in your stead. But that sly woman knew to ensure the Agreement specifically prohibits substitution of any kind," she said with a defeated sigh.

Minsc beamed down at her. "Worry not. Our other Witch may be sharp with her words, sharper than blades honed on the whetstone without ceasing for three tendays; but Boo says that's just how she is. As if every day to her is a Red Day, whatever it means. But we know she isn't evil like her Villainous Twin Brother which Minsc swears will kick in the behind if ever we see even a shadow of his wicked mustache again."

Nalia rolled her eyes as she muttered with a smirk, "Certainly. Her evil twin brother."

After fond farewells and another velvet bag of seeds gifted to the hamster, Minsc and Boo were teleported away to be reunited with their Third Witch.

"Lumbering ape and wretched rodent! What took you so long?" Edwina snapped at them as soon as they materialized in front of her.

Minsc grinned and scratched at his temple. "We came as soon as Witch Nalia said you called."

"Doubtless she delayed until I threatened to set her old heap of a house and its tasteless décor on fire. (Boastful talentless tart thinks herself better just because she has already achieved lichdom. Bribed her way for certain through the whole process with daddy's gold!)"

Boo chirped animatedly, then clasped both paws on his snout.

Edwina glared. "And what are you laughing at, hamster? Mock my domicile as much as you want, but a wizard of undisputed prowess such as myself has no need for a mage tower to practice the most elevated level of magic. (Unlike those tharchions so visibly overcompensating with their garishly-designed fifty-level spires.)"

Indeed, not in an imposing mage tower did they arrive in, rather in a cramped room, sparsely furnished with a bed of dingy mattress and blankets, moldy walls, and grimy wooden flooring. Same room as the last occasion they were summoned by the Red Witch, a rented space above the tavern downstairs where she also worked part time as bartender. It seemed the old halfling woman who ran the establishment still kept her promise to the Rashemi – in exchange for half a favor in the past, a promise to not kick out Edwina despite nearly burning down the building twice.

While others would wonder why a wizard lived as such, Minsc found nothing amiss. Indeed, no one could hope for a better home such as this place where ale and tales always flowed free. Boo once pointed out how Edwina seemed to be hiding from the other Red Wizards, quick to deny her old affiliation whenever one of their ilk sauntered into town.

Fury familiar and unshakeable stirred in the ranger's heart. No doubt those villains were sent by none other than Edwina's Evil Twin Brother who magically switched places with her when he read aloud from the strange scroll they took from the flaky old ghost in the crypts.

What was it called again? Right, the Nutter Scroll.

"Tell us. Did some nefarious scoundrel dare to make our Red Witch angry again?"

"Oh yes, a scoundrel utterly depraved," Edwina purred, rubbing her hands, a glint in her eye. "A lecherous old goon who preys on poor defenseless, tender female wizards like me." At the last, she cupped her chin and batted her lashes, yet unable to contain a reflexive grimace.

Minsc growled in growing fury. Poor dainty Edwina, so upset she could not hide her distress! Boo waggled his whiskers, beady little eyes narrowing.

"What disrespectful brute! Sneaking up like a slimy snake on our Red Witch while Minsc and Boo are away!"

Edwina placed a hand over her lips, eyes darting to the side a little too demurely. "Such cruel shame! He teleported behind me and oh so callously smacked my delicate bottom with his filthy smoking pipe! (Even though it was my brilliant plan to sneak up on the ancient geezer and blast him with a fireball while he isn't looking. Cursed be that doddering old fool Elminster, for he could out-contingency my contingencies!)"

"Unacceptable! I shall wrench the pipe from his grubby hands and shove it all the way down his throat, all the way down until it pokes out of the other end. And then, Minsc shall kick it back in with the swift unforgiving boot of gentlemanly justice!"

Edwina made a steeple with her fingers. "Most excellent. Did I mention this reprobate wears Red Robes as well?"

"Red Robes!" Minsc bellowed with rising rage.

"And a Red Pointy Hat?"

"A Red Pointy Hat to hide his goaty horned brow!" the ranger thundered. "Then let us not wait another breath! Point my sword in his direction and we shall dice him up into crusty croutons to go with the ogre salad we made in Understone!"

And with that, Minsc hoisted his sword and roared a hearty battle cry as Edwina raised her fists, threw back her head and laughed maniacally.

Boo smacked a paw on his furry forehead and squeak-groaned.

Some years earlier…

Before the Solar the Bhaalspawn stood with head raised in pride earned true, victor of countless battles, overcomer of trials that would have rendered lesser mortals undone.

"Child of Bhaal, it is time to claim your destiny. To follow the trail of strife and blood as your sire had done, or to turn away from his tainted legacy and tread your own path. Choose wisely, for not only will your decision impact on the realms and the planes, but it shall be final and without changing," the Solar pronounced.

"At long last," the Bhaalspawn cried. "Solar, I wish to…"

A large and eager hand shot up and waved frantically at the Celestial.

Blinking her luminous eyes, the Solar's gaze swept over from the Bhaalspawn to the companion standing behind him.

"Yes, mortal?"

"Wait, Big Blue Lady! You seem wise, so Minsc must ask your help in answering a very hard question. So hard Minsc cannot sleep some nights thinking about it; the next day I am so sleepy that I even miss the first kick on the first butt in the first battlefield."

"Very well. Ask and I shall do my utmost to give you the answer which you seek."

Rubbing his neck, Minsc bowed shyly. "That is, could you help me decide which of the three wizard women I must choose as my Witch? They are all special to Minsc and Boo, and I am just as happy to be at their side. But it is so difficult to know to which of them I should pledge my sword."

"Really? Now?" the Bhaalspawn sputtered, turning around to face the companions, disbelieving. "Can't it wait?"

Towering in form and fiery in her countenance, the Solar leaned back, eyes closed, palms raised at her sides as if receiving some internal message. She hummed and nodded every now and then before opening her blazing eyes.

"No, this is quite important as well. The fate of many rests upon this decision for none other than Lord Ao himself demands that this conundrum be settled properly," the Celestial affirmed.

Aerie clasped her hands, a reflective smile on her face, calm and confident, having grown from a timid and unsure girl to a formidable power in her own right. "I won't begrudge Minsc if he chooses anyone other than me. But know this," she said as she turned to the Rashemi. "If I am to be your Witch, your steel will be used only for good and kind deeds, just as you were meant to be and had been to me, a protector to others."

Nalia nodded in thoughtful agreement. "It's true, what Aerie said. I know Minsc will be happiest serving the cause of justice. Think of how many more he could help under the guidance of a Witch whose heart leans towards generosity and charity."

Edwina sneered, "Bah! Simpering fools. Why fight over him when you can just share him between yourselves. And by that, I mean just yourselves. Leave me out of this sordid contest! (So I can finally be rid of this bumbling gorilla and his noisome rodent.)"

Minsc gestured at the three wizards. "See Huge Flaming Lady? How can I pick between them when they all have wise and gentle hearts? If only someone could make the choice for Minsc, someone trustworthy and clever!"

"Someone who possesses wisdom and foresight, who sees all but wisely maintains their peace yet speaks loud and true when duty requires," the Solar agreed.

She stretched out a hand towards Minsc. "Qualities borne by none other than Boo. For it is your most faithful companion who can best choose the most worthy Witch for you. Let the hamster make the choice, trust in the purity of his heart and impartial judgment."

Assenting to the Solar's advice, Minsc gently laid Boo on the ground, then stepped back. Timidly the hamster scurried forward but paused before the three women.

With a happy squeak, Boo scrambled towards Aerie. Elated, the elf bent down and picked him up, cradling the hamster in her palm.

"Oh, Boo! I knew you'd choose me! I promise I'll be a good witch to – Oh, hey!" Aerie yelped in surprise as Boo suddenly leaped out of her hand and landed on Nalia's shoulder.

"My! Who could have thought Boo would also pick me?" Nalia chirped nonchalantly as she deftly slipped a dainty biscuit to the hamster who broke off a piece and stealthily pocketed the bribe in his cheek pouch.

Edwina crossed her arms and looked away haughtily. "As I expected, the rapacious little rodent elects both incompetents. Just as well, I shall finally enjoy some measure of peace and –," she gloated but was cut off by her own shriek from feeling a sharp nip at her ankle. She looked down and wriggled her slippered foot and glared at Boo crouched upon the floor, now looking up at her with sly beady eyes.

"Wait, don't tell me I am selected as well by this chatty little vermin?" Edwina protested, gathering her skirt and shirking away from the hamster.

But before the Thayan could flee, Minsc immediately scooped up all three mages in his arms, swinging and leaping with pure bliss. All three women shrieked in surprise and clung for their lives.

"The hamster has made his choice. The Witches shall share the Rashemi as their guardian. Now if you will all excuse me, I must take a moment to draft the Binding Agreement to ensure the participation is fair and properly governed and regulated," the Solar hastily declared before she disappeared in a flash of light.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" the Bhaalspawn wailed at the lingering sparkles. "What about my Ascension!"

But Minsc paid them no heed for great was his joy at finally having his own Witch, nay, Witches.

"Not one Witch but three Witches to protect for the rest of our lives! Oh, such a great and glorious day, Boo!" Minsc hailed with unbridled happiness.

Perched on the ranger's shoulder, Boo looked down at the Red Wizard and squeaked. Squeezed between the ranger's arms and the other wizards, the Thayan glared up at Boo and grumbled.

"Oh, hooray," Edwina groused in a tone most droll. "A happy ending and everyone gets what they want. (I hate you, hamster.)"

Written for the Baldur's Gate Gift Exchange 2020 and humbly offered to SilchasRuin who asked for a fic with Minsc and Boo in a post-ToB adventure with his new Witch who could either be Edwina in an AU where she never turns back to Edwin, or Nalia (requested with a side of lichdom), or Aerie. So I gave you all instead. ;P