Confession is not Easy

Missing Scenes — Episodes 11 and 12

VII.

When Ahn Jeong-won told the director of the hospital that he was leaving, it wasn't without qualms. Or guilt. As expected the weight of the future paediatrics not just of Yulje but the entire country had been saddled on his shoulders. But he had made up his mind to leave and that was that. But he made plans. These plans, as it so happened, revolved around Jang Gyeo-ul. It was his way of saying good-bye. Except in truth he hated the idea of saying good-bye. Except that he knew he had to. Except that he knew he was leaving behind so much more than what he had begun with six... seven months earlier. This unfamiliar, insatiable greed to hold on to these moments with Jang Gyeo-ul had become alternatively daunting and exciting for a man losing focus.

He rationalised it this way: She wanted to learn, he wanted to give her the chance. Of that he was quite sincere. Since his departure was imminent, opportunities to observe specialised paediatric procedures would gradually diminish for her. A part of him was driven by guilt. He felt that he owed her that much. On the upside, he thought of all the time he'd be spending with her. And then there was his infernal greed to satisfy. However, he optimistically opined that once he exited this life, it would all be behind him. He would leave with ease. There would be nothing left to regret.

A trade-off he believed he could live with.

Giving up the priesthood was never an option despite what Ik-jun had said. What sort of man would he be if he walked away from his lifelong dream at the first sign of trouble. It had to be a test… that's what he told himself at least… of his mettle and his faith. God was testing him… he believed, and it was his current mission to battle his way out of this. In God's economy Jang Gyeo-ul was someone he wasn't meant to have feelings for but she was someone he was meant to help. This was their unhappy destiny. A destiny that saw their paths intersect at this juncture and no more. Guiding her, mentoring her was the only role open to him as far as she was concerned. Nothing more.

"Me? The lead surgeon on the urachal cyst excision? Really?" Her eyes grew wide. Her lips broke into a happy smile.

"I think you're ready."

Seeing the mounting excitement build up all over her facial features gave him a frisson of pleasure.

"This will be my first surgery as the lead. Thank you so much Professor." For a millisecond, she had looked like she was ready to give him a hug but she checked herself in time.

Memories. At least there would be that. He would give her that much. He would give himself that much. The memory of a "first" with him.

"What can you tell me about it?"

"It's when a pocket of air develops in the urachus which is the leftover of a channel between the bladder and the belly button."

"That's good. You seem to know a bit about it."

"I've been reading some of your past papers in several paediatric journals. You mentioned that procedure in an article written two years ago."

Jeong-won stood rooted to the ground. He felt a surge of anguish moving through his body. The expression on his face changed instantly.

Why couldn't I have met you earlier?

She noticed the change in his demeanour and mistook it for annoyance. "I've made you uncomfortable, Professor."

"No, not at all."

Gyeo-ul felt obliged to explain herself although she didn't know why. "I started reading all your papers because I've been assisting you so much recently. I thought it would help me understand how you think and work."

"I see." Jeong-won was now fighting back tears. His words came out shaky.

"I hope I haven't done anything wrong." Gyeo-ul scratched her neck looking puzzled.

"No, not at all. I'm... very... flattered."

Jeong-won was astonished to see Father Marcus in his office. He had known the head priest of the Seoul diocese all his life and he'd never known him to visit him at work. His curiosity was naturally piqued. Perhaps, Jeong-won surmised, that Father Marcus was having health issues and had come in for a consult.

The two men shook hands and sat down.

"Father, this is an unexpected pleasure. Is something the matter? Is everything alright with you?"

"I'm fine, Andrea. Just the usual problems of old age. A bit of arthritis but otherwise there's nothing too much to worry about."

"Is there something I can do for you?"

"Well, that's a question I wanted to ask you."

Jeong-won was momentarily confused.

"The other day when I rang to confirm the date of the interview, you seemed… hesitant. Unsure. It's been bothering me ever since."

"Did I?" Jeong-won wondered what else the canny priest might have picked up.

"Andrea, it's okay to change your mind. Things do happen. No one will think less of you if you decide to back out now."

"I haven't changed my mind." Jeong-won responded quickly to the charge but looked downwards clearly avoiding eye contact.

All of the changes in his body language was observed by the priest.

"It's a big decision. Not one to be taken lightly."

"I know."

Father Marcus reached for Jeong-won's left hand. "I was the one who baptised you, Andrea. I watched you grow up."

"I know." Jeong-won wondered where Father Marcus was going with this.

"I was really happy that you became a doctor. A really good one too from what I've heard."

Jeong-won said nothing.

"It's fine if you don't want to tell me what's bothering you. But you should never lie to yourself. Every time you lie to yourself, you do damage to your soul."

"I can't hide anything from you, can I?" Jeong-won conceded reluctantly.

"I've known you for 40 years. Of all your siblings, you are the most sensitive. You're the most like your father. That's why I was somewhat surprised when you applied to the priesthood."

"You too, huh?"

"Well, I didn't want to get in your way obviously if that was God's call for you but I did wonder why… after all this time. And then after that phone call, something didn't feel right. I thought it would be remiss of me to let it pass without talking to you further. After all I am responsible for your pastoral care and I'm a referee."

"I thought I could work this out on my own."

"You don't need to." Father Marcus urged gently. "If you have any doubts. Even the tiniest bit, I'm listening."

Jeong-won groped around for a place to start but decided to take his cue from Father Marcus.

"When I applied for the priesthood, I had no doubts where I was headed. Then I came to this hospital after Dad's passing. The plan was to take control of the VIP wards, use its income stream to fund a non-profit that I started a while ago, and stay here till the end of the year. But one thing led to another… I started to think less and less about the priesthood. The temptation to stay has been getting stronger. I thought maybe it's because I haven't been faithful in my prayers."

"What temptation?"

"The work here. My best friends are here." Jeong-won hesitated before adding, "And there's someone here that has become important... to me."

"I see. A woman you like?"

"Yes." Jeong-won was barely keeping it together. It was a struggle to talk about Jang Gyeo-ul in such terms. The bag of mixed emotions inside was threatening to split open at the seams.

"My poor boy… you must have been having such a hard time."

The tears trickled down Jeong-won's cheeks. He was undone. His longtime family friend and priest put his arm around him. Nothing was said between them for a while.

"I have never felt so confused about anything before. I have never felt this way about any woman until now. Suddenly I've become this greedy person wanting things for myself that I've never remotely cared about until recently. I'm having thoughts that someone like me shouldn't have."

"Does she know?"

"I don't think so."

"Is it one-sided?"

"I don't think so. At least I'm not sure. She once approached me. I turned her down. But she's not said anything since. I don't know what she thinks about me now… to be honest. But that fact hasn't made the slightest difference… about how I feel.

"My friend says that I should follow my heart. Which part of my heart should I follow? One part of my heart is telling me to go one way and the other part is saying something else? Which part should I be listening to?"

"Is she married?"

"No."

"Is she a bad person?"

"No."

"Is there something you don't like about her?"

"No. It's nothing like that. Everything about her is… perfect."

The last word in the sentence tumbled out before he knew what he was saying.

"Perfect, eh? That's a really strong word." Father Marcus nodded. "She must really suit you."

Father Marcus' words stung with bitter irony in light of his own words to Ik-jun all those months ago. He had never thought about it that way.

"Have you thought about the fact that you've finally found the right woman for you?"

Jeong-won shook his head.

"I never allowed myself that."

"Why not? That would be the normal human thing to think, right?"

Jeong-won stared at Father Marcus in bewildered fashion. To which the other man grinned.

"Ah… I forgot temporarily. You've wanted to be a priest since you were a boy. Your brothers and sisters are priests and nuns."

"Don't you think this is a betrayal against God?"

Father Marcus pat Jeong-won on the shoulder.

"Andrea, I can't force you to do anything you don't want to. Although from my experience it's hard to believe that you are destined for the priesthood. I have seen many men go the same way as you. They want to serve God and they think this is the only way to do it. Some of them get to seminary and they decide that it's not for them. Some fall in love and they leave seminary or some even get as far as the priesthood for a short time. Then they quit. Everyone makes decisions that they regret later. So a fear of being perceived as a failure shouldn't be any reason for you to force yourself.

"But I suggest you put the priesthood question to one side and ask yourself whether you can in all honesty leave behind the hospital and this woman. You're not doing God any favours by carrying a divided heart into seminary. What's the hurry? You've waited 20 years. What's another six months or a year?

"Maybe you should think carefully about why after being single for so long, you've finally met the perfect woman for you."

Jeong-won woke up to the sunlight streaming into his bedroom. He was badly hungover from the karaoke session with the guys. Rubbing his forehead regretfully, he groaned pitifully wondering what induced him to drink so much. Why had they all drunk so much? It had been the height of idiocy.

He knew what his own rationale was. He was drowning his sorrows. His divided heart was becoming more unbearable. Just the thought of leaving the hospital and leaving her behind was becoming increasingly painful. The hospital. Jang Gyeo-ul. A chicken-or-the-egg scenario. Was it the prospect of seeing her at the hospital everyday that was bringing him greater contentment? Or was he finally working in a place where he truly belonged?

Jeong-won rolled over to the other side of the bed and another groan escaped his lips. This time regarding another matter. In mind's eye, he saw how happy she was after her first surgery as lead surgeon. She had been glowing with happiness and his own cup had been overflowing. There had been no guilty feelings. The headache that had plagued him mysteriously disappeared.

Father Marcus was right… how could he bear to leave now? Not that he had been on the hunt but she couldn't be more perfect than if he had come up with his own wish list.

On top of everything else, Mum was doing her best to avoid him. They were supposed to have met that afternoon after Jang Gyeo-ul's first surgery as lead. For some reason she came and left. He surmised that she had left in a huff after hearing that he had spoken to the director about leaving. He groaned again and wondered why his life had become so complicated.

All he had wanted to do was become a priest. But nobody it seemed wanted him to be one. Not his mother, not his brother, not his friends, not Father Marcus, not the hospital. And now it seemed that God might be standing in his way as well. His thoughts invariably drifted to Jang Gyeo-ul. He wondered what Jang Gyeo-ul thought about him becoming a priest.

"It's okay, Doctor. That lady doctor with the spectacles brought me two lollipops already. Mum doesn't like me having too many sweet things. Says it's bad for my teeth."

"Alright, that's fine. Your mum's right of course. But you've been such a brave boy that you deserve a bit of a treat."

Jang Gyeo-ul must have overheard us talking about it yesterday.

"That's what the lady doctor said too. She also told me to lick the lollipop slowly, don't bite it and not eat all of it quickly. She also gave me a cup of water to rinse out my mouth."

"She's very smart."

"Doctor, can I ask you a personal question?"

"Uh... huh..."

"Are you going to marry that lady doctor?"

"Why? Have you heard something?"

"Sort of. Mum says you are dating."

"We're not dating." I wonder where she got that idea from.

"That's good then."

"Why?"

"I want to marry her." When the young patient saw the odd look on Jeong-won's face, he quickly added, "Not right away. When I'm older."

"Why do you want to marry her?" Jeong-won recovered sufficiently to ask the obvious follow-up question.

"She's not like my mum at all." Jeong-won tried hard not to laugh at that frank comment. "She's very calm. Mum worries all the time and she fusses over me. I don't like women who fuss. The lady doctor with the spectacles doesn't fuss. She doesn't pinch my cheeks or mess my hair up. Or talk to me in a screechy voice. She talks to me like an adult. I like that."

"I can understand that." Jeong-won marvelled at the boy's insight.

"When I told her I wanted to marry her, she didn't laugh at me. She just smiled and said that she was very flattered. She said that it was her first marriage proposal and she would never forget it. She also told me that I might change my mind when I get a bit older and meet other girls. I told her that it's impossible. She's the perfect woman for me."

"You're a very smart boy."

"That's what a lot of people say. But my mum doesn't think so. When I said that I wanted to marry the lady doctor, she told me I was silly, that the two of you are dating."

"Did the lady doctor tell her that?"

"I don't think so. My mum says that she has a sense about these things. Women's intuition. Nonsense like that."

"Your vocabulary is very good for your age."

"I read a lot. I'm in a gifted readers program at school. The lady doctor said the same thing."

"She did, did she?"

"Yeah, she said it was a good thing I was smart. She likes smart men."

When Ahn Jeong-won decided to stay, it wasn't without some measure of guilt. Moreover he had plenty of qualms. But he told no one. It's not that he didn't want to. It's because he didn't know how to. After all the angst he put himself and others through, he seemed incapable of changing his modus operandi in a hurry. Concealment had become his default position and breaking out of that cycle required a miracle of biblical proportions it would seem.

Still he made plans. All these plans happened to revolve around Jang Gyeo-ul. He wanted her to be the first to know. He was dying to confess everything while petrified of having to. The thought that she had moved on from him regularly terrified him into action or out of it. At times he was certain that there was no boyfriend somewhere in the picture. At other times he was far less certain. But he had heard from Min-ha via Seok-hyeong or the busybody Ik-jun that she spent all her waking moments at home studying or at the hospital working, studying or on-call. This gave him some consolation as he rehearsed over and over in his mind how he was going to do his big reveal. How was he going to start? What should he say exactly? The possibility of rejection played over in his mind with alarming regularity but the thought of lifelong regret resulting from letting another opportunity pass him by bolstered his courage.

Truth be told, Ahn Jeong-won hadn't the foggiest idea how to begin. He was fixated about dinner as a starting point. That had been her idea… her specific request. Once upon a time. Then there were the ancillary questions. Outside the hospital or inside. Cafeteria or order in. He deliberated about the significance of each. Then he would remember that he'd promised her dinner during the liver laceration surgery but was yet to deliver on that. Of course he had a dozen excuses at his fingertips. None of them made him feel better about himself. But the idea of dinner… although lacking in originality… was a readymade opportunity that had to be explored.

On his first attempt he went to the GS common room to see if she was there after a series of surgeries. It so happened she was but she had fallen asleep on the large table after drowning her hunger pangs in 3 bowls of ramyeon. True to form he had a feverish attack of guilt for keeping her up late the previous night so he felt he owed her a good night's rest. As much as he loathed to, he reluctantly made his way out, not before placing a blanket over her. Before leaving he made a mental note that he should check on her the next day. When the next day came, she was gone. Assisting some annoying unnamed GS professor with an exploratory laparoscopy. He cursed the unnamed professor under his breath.

The weeks leading up to Christmas saw an endless stream of cases. He sensed a cosmic conspiracy at work. It was as if every child under the age of 12 in the area had food poisoning, fallen off something or took the brunt of rough play. Jang Gyeo-ul was almost always within sight but there was always someone else within earshot.

One lunch time he spotted her sitting by herself thoughtfully chewing through some noodles. Jeong-won believed that his time had come so with his meal tray in hand, he made his way to the seat next to her. She seemed pleased to see him.

"Hello Professor."

"Hi."

Before a proper conversation could even be had, Chu Min-ah threw down her tray right in front of them.

"I am going to kill somebody today. I can't believe some people. Why did they even choose medicine?"

As she turned to face her friend she noticed Gyeo-ul's dagger eyes drawing her attention to the man sitting next to her. She bowed apologetically but the professor put on his most affable face for public consumption.

Min-ha bowed apologetically before sounding much less outraged.

"Sorry for that outburst. Just pretend you didn't hear anything."

"Having a bad day?"

"I'm just tired. Don't mind me."

Unsure of what to do next everyone looked at their food and suddenly no one felt like talking.

Moments later Min-ha's phone vibrated. Her hand dove into her pocket and she pulled it out hurriedly. After scanning the message, she said,

"Gyeo-ul, there's a guy I used to know. He wants…"

"Not another blind date?"

Jeong-won's entire body stiffened at once. He didn't like where this was headed.

"He's really nice. Trust me. He comes from a good family."

"I'm sure he does. But I'm not interested." Gyeo-ul was glaring at her friend. "I'm too busy to be dating."

Jeong-won's body relaxed.

"He's totally your type."

Jeong-won's grip on his spoon increased. His curiosity, however, was aroused.

"How do you know what my type is?"

"He looks a lot like…" Min-ha stole a quick look at Jeong-won. "Never mind. I'll send you his details. Give it a try. All work and no play makes you a dull girl. At least he won't turn you down."

That was what Jeong-won was afraid of.

"Don't bother sending me details. I won't call and I won't go. Don't set me up with anymore of your friends."

Min-ha and Jeong-won were both surprised by the vehemence in her voice. Naturally he was relieved.

"Geez, don't bite my head off. Fine. Fine. I won't set you up anymore." Min-ha grumbled and her lips landed into a pout.

This time Jeong-won's phone buzzed. It was a call from the ER. He excused himself and left the table.

When he disappeared from view, Min-ha lowered her face and spoke in a whisper, "Do you still like him?"

"He's going to be a priest, Min-ha."

"Such a waste."

Author's Notes:

Almost there reading friends... almost there. I wanted to do my take of the confession scene and then perhaps a bit of a follow-up. That's hopefully to come soon. I am such long-winded beast but I really wanted to do my best to reconcile all the inconsistencies of Jeong-won's behaviour in the latter half.

I'm especially grateful for those of you who have been faithfully putting in reviews chapter after chapter. You are champions... all of you.