Silver lining in all this chaos... finding the time and motivation to write.

Chapter 1

"To, Eddie," my friend and roommate, Tyler said a little too loudly for the bar we were in. He raised his shot glass filled to the brim with Tequila and added, "Here's to finally being released from his chicktract and being allowed out to play with his friends."

"To Eddie and to playtime," the other four guys out drinking with me cheered in unison. They raised their glasses and looked at me expectantly.

"Cheers," I mumbled and knocked the drink back. "Girls are assholes. I'll have another shot."

"Another round," Emmett, my other roommate, said to the bartender as he moved to stand close beside me and patted my shoulder. "And stay close, I sense great things from this one tonight."

Another shot down, I slammed the glass onto the bar, and sat on a stool with a sigh. "They call guys assholes, but really they're worse."

"A-fucking-men to that," Emmett agreed and sat down beside me.

"How are they worse?" Seth asked.

"They're secret assholes," I said, drinking from the bottle of beer that had been set down in front of me. "At first they act like the perfect being. Not a trace of any assholeish behaviour and you think you've landed the jackpot. Then, once they know they have you hooked, they flip the switch and it's too late to get out."

"Yes!" Tyler shouted like he was having an epiphany. "That is exactly what they do."

"They call us dogs for farting and belching in front of them and pretend they don't do that shit. I swear to God, the first six months I was dating Leah, I thought she genuinely never farted," Jacob told us. "I thought she had bladder issues because she always had to pee, but she was just running to the bathroom every time she needed to let one go."

"Secret asshole behaviour," I said nodding my head.

"Yep, then when they do fart in front of you for the first time, it's such a shock it's like God is speaking to you or something. You can't believe it and so you laugh or make a joke and guess what?" Jacob continued.

"You're a fucking asshole!" Emmett boomed.

"First few months, boys night out is fine. They encourage it and let you come home for a bootie call at the end of the night." Jasper started regaling us with his secret asshole behaviour story and I realised I'd opened a giant can of worms. "Then fast-forward a while and every time you plan anything without them they kick off and accuse you of wanting to hook up with someone else."

"Or when you first arrange to pick them up for a date, they're always ready and you tell them how cute they look and they're all nonchalant and cool about it. Thank you, Sweetie, just a little outfit I threw on. When in reality that five minutes is actually like a detailed military operation that takes days to execute." I nodded as Seth joined in the sharing.

"Fuck yes," Emmett agreed, clapping his hands. "Shampoo, exfoliate, waxing, conditioning, masks, moisturise, buff... buff what the fuck is that?"

"And the whole I just need to take a quick shower," Jacob said incredulously. "There's no such fucking thing. There's like four different kinds of chick showers."

"Four?" I questioned. "Seriously?"

"Four." He nodded his head knowingly. "I've not figured out how to tell which one to expect. I just know that they can be in there twenty minutes or sometimes it's hours. You have no idea how long they'll be so you wait for them and they freak out when you're not ready to leave."

"My personal favourite is food," Tyler added. "Your first few dates they order a salad or noodle soup and tell you they just don't have a big appetite. Then, before you know it they eat all the damned time. Starters, mains desserts and then they get pissy if you don't let them eat your fries off your plate. What the hell is that? Get off my food."

"How do they all learn about all this shit?" I asked. "Do you think they have secret classes in high-school, because that's where it starts?"

"Secret Asshole Behaviour Class?" Seth mused. "I wouldn't be surprised if that was true. We really don't stand a chance."

They continued pointing out other instances of said asshole behaviour and I listened quietly, drinking my beer and knocking back the shots when they appeared. Every single thing they'd said was true, it was like they followed a script from the first moment you met them.

Take Jessica for instance. Jessica, the reason for this boys night, the reason I was drowning my sorrows. From perfect girlfriend to perfect asshole, but unfortunately for me her transition wasted six years of my life. Towards the end she'd gotten really damned good at making me feel like I was being the asshole.

"God they're good," I said and the others said nothing, just nodding in silent agreement.

"Okay, buddy, I'm sorry Jessica dumped you for her boss but trust me this is an opportunity." Tyler slapped my back and grinned.

"An opportunity?" I pulled a face. "If you're going to suggest some kind of single guy pact to get laid four nights a week, I'm out."

"You could be a girl," Jacob said in mock disgust. "You're more of a girl than most girls I know."

"Why? Because I don't want to sleep around?" I laughed. "This is why girls call you a dog."

"I can live with that analogy," Jacob shrugged and added, "Dogs get put out to stud, there's no expectation of monogamy or only having sex with one dog."

"I don't know whether to be concerned about you identifying with a dog or just give you a pep talk about safe sex?" I shook my head.

"Of course I'm safe." Jacob rolled his eyes at me. Look, dogs hump stuff all the time. A random cushion, someone's leg... that's their rehearsal for the actual puppy making business. Playing the field whilst being safe is my version of humping a cushion. It's my rehearsal for when I am actually put out to stud, when one of those secret assholes really lures me in and I end up married."

"Nice spin," I admitted and he laughed. "So all the things we do as guys aren't bad, they're just breed characteristics. We're actually conforming to breed standards?"

"Spot on, Eddie! It's pure genius." Emmett got very excited and pointed at me emphatically. "All these years we've been made to feel guilty for acting like we do when we should have embraced it. From this day forward if we want to leave the toilet seat up we do it. If we don't want her to eat our food we tell her no and if we want to fart at the dinner table with her parents, we fart. We fart wherever the hell we choose!"

"Please don't if we're eating with you though, Em. You smell like something died up your ass." Seth grimaced.

"Jesus, listen to us! I've created a monster. I should have come out drinking my sorrows away alone." I stood up unsteadily. "I'm going for a piss. Tyler, no more shots."

I wobbled as I walked and heard the guys laughing at me. Single, bitter and still with the inability to hold my drink. I was a sorry excuse for a young guy.

I could feel myself swaying as I peed. "Shit," I muttered hoping my aim wasn't off.

"I think perhaps you should have opted for a toilet rather than the urinal, you could have sat down and not risked pee on your shoes."

I hadn't realised there was anyone else in here with me so the voice took me by surprise but something else sounded off about it and I couldn't put my finger on what.

"The urinal was closer it seemed the safer option," I began to laugh and then it dawned on me the voice was female. "What the fuck?"

I scrambled to fasten my pants and turned around. "This is the mens room, isn't it?"

"You're observant." The girl was standing with her back to me as she washed her hands, she looked seemingly unconcerned with her presence.

"I feel violated," I muttered then wobbled over towards her and tried not to check her out as I did, but failed. I think sober me would have appreciated her ass in that pair of tight fitted jeans, in fact drunk me thought it was a very very good ass.

"Violated?" She laughed and looked at me through the reflection in the mirror.

"Absolutely," I said and held onto the basin to keep myself steady. "There's a reason why they call it the mens room... it's for men. This is a safe space for men and their penises to operate without females being present."

I tried to focus on her reflection but I was really struggling. She looked hot to drunk me, but I wouldn't put money on that observation.

"I couldn't see anything," she said with a shrug. "The mirror isn't a magnifying glass."

"Hey," I objected. "Are you implying I have a small penis? I don't and you don't need a fucking magnifying glass to see it. This is exactly why girls aren't allowed in the mens room! They're a safe space for penises to operate... without being judged or measured."

"So you've never taken a peek at another guy's junk before? You know, to compare?" She turned around to face me and folded her arms across her chest.

Yeah, she was hot.

"No. That would violate the safe space for penises." I added pointedly, "And that would suggest I was gay which I'm not."

"But what if you took a peek and his was way smaller than yours? You could feel like a hero." She laughed and then tapped her chin. "I think I'm onto something here. This is an untapped resource. Imagine the things you could unearth. You're totally going to look the next time you pee standing beside someone."

"No, because like I said I'm not gay so other men's junk don't really hold much appeal to me and if I did I'd probably get the shit beaten out of me for being a penis peeking pervert."

"Just make sure they don't catch you peeking," she said smirking. "I'd hate to see your pretty face messed up."

"You think I'm pretty?" I grinned. "Why thanks."

"Down boy, that wasn't me propositioning you for sex. If I wanted to sleep with you, trust me you'd know."

"Oh please, this is what girls do best, giving out mixed signals and then freaking out when we misread a situation. It's like trying to put together a lego set without the picture on the box and with half the pieces missing. Mission fucking impossible! So no, I doubt I would know if you were propositioning me because I've been wrong that many times I don't trust my judgement anymore." I stopped ranting and took a breath.

"Wow, someone has worked you over big time," she said, sounding highly amused.

"Shut up," I retorted. "You're all the same."

"Hey, I resent that remark, but we can have that argument another time." She stepped forward and turned to stand in front of me. "And for the record, I don't do mixed signals, I don't even do signals. I do honesty and this is me being honest right now. When I first saw you, I considered having sex with you, why wouldn't I? You're hot, but you're also hammered so I'd say the odds of us having good sex are fifty fifty at best and that's a little to low for me to take a chance on. What's the point in having sex if it's not good sex?"

"I came in here for a piss," I said looking at her in disbelief. "And I've been spied on, judged and had my sexual capabilities questioned. Seriously, worst piss ever."

"You won't forget it though, will you?" She laughed. "Most memorable piss ever and I'm glad I was a part of it."

"You're weird," I said shaking my head but smiling, she was infectious and not in a bad way. "Is this a regular thing? Talking to drunk guys in the mens room about penis comparison?"

"No, the line was huge in the ladies room," she said casually. "You're the first. You've taken my mens room virginity, thank you. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. Seriously, it's been life changing."

I watched as she danced her way through the door and I laughed. I was still grinning to myself when I rejoined the guys and Emmett asked me, "What's with the smile?"

"Do you look at other guy's dicks while they take a piss?" I asked.

"The fuck?" he asked, looking horrified. "What? Why? Why the fuck would I do that?"

"So that's a no then? Exactly! Me either. There was this girl in there and she said we should stare and compare." I laughed at the other guys' concerned faces. "Seriously, I don't do it."

"Why would we compare?" Jacob said, looking as mortified as Emmett. "And please never come near me when I'm taking a piss."

"I don't look now and I never have, but apparently she thinks we should. Stroke our ego if we're bigger." I noticed the barman looking at us like we were mentally unstable as he poured more tequila. "Come on, I said no more shots."

"And feel like a loser if it's smaller? No thanks." Tyler shook his head and then thrust a shot glass at me and said, "Drink this and shut the fuck up."

We carried on drinking for a while but at about midnight, I had to admit defeat and I left the bar. In true best friend style, the other five told me I was a lightweight pussy and continued without me.

I staggered outside and felt everything start to spin. "Taxi!" I shouted.

"Need a hand?" A familiar voice piped up. "Or perhaps a pair of working legs?"

"Penis girl?" I slurred. "I'm fine, just trying to get a cab home."

"I hate to break this to you, but you're laid flat out on the sidewalk." Her face appeared in my line of sight and she was grinning at me. "Need a hand?"

"Are you sure I'm on the floor? I think I'd know if I'd fallen." I didn't feel like I was on the floor, but her face disappeared and I felt her hands slip underneath my shoulders to push me forwards. "Well, shit would you look at that, I was on the floor."

"Technically, you still are, buddy and you're too heavy for me to get you up alone so I need your help."

So, with the help of a hot girl about half my size I got up and instantly remembered why I'd actually laid down. It felt like the entire state of New York was spinning.

"I think I'm going to puke," I groaned and my stomach heaved.

"Trash can five paces in front of you," she said and pushed me towards it. She held my arm while I threw up and then stood me back upright when I was done. "We need food and a strong black coffee"

"I'm not hungry," I told her.

"The coffee is for you and the food is for me, I'm starving. I've just done a very good deed helping you, so you can buy me something to eat."

"You're very bossy," I muttered. "You shouldn't take advantage of the inebriated."

"It's not like you're in a fit state for me to take advantage of you in any other way," she teased. "So if the most I can get from you is food then I can live with that."

"Where did you come from?" I asked and she laughed. "Seriously, I'd like to know so I can take you back and exchange you for someone who doesn't insult and mock me."

"And where would the fun be in that?" she asked. "Besides that would mean we didn't get to meet and that seems like a shame."

We found an all night pizza joint and I watched in amazement as she devoured slice after slice without a care in the world.

"Hungry?" I sipped on my coffee, feeling a little better but I suspected that might be the company.

"Starving actually, but it's pizza, do you even need to be hungry to eat pizza? It's up there with chocolate, all forms of cake, and peanut butter- the things that you can eat all the time. It's like you have a separate stomach reserved just for them." She was talking with her mouthful and it made me laugh.

"Do you have a name... or any manners perhaps?" I asked and she stopped chewing, narrowing her eyes at me suspiciously. "I ask with no sexpectations, I promise. Or I can keep calling you Penis Girl if you like?"

"Bella," she said and smiled. "But Penis Girl works too."

"Edward," I told her even though I doubt she would have asked.

"Huh," she said and studied my face, her brow furrowed and she bit her lip for a second as she thought about something. "I didn't see you as an Edward but it does actually fit you perfectly. Yeah, Edward screams uptight and a bit of a prude."

"What? I'm not uptight or a prude."

"Please." She rolled her eyes; brown I think they were. The more I sobered up the more I was noticing about her. "You're definitely uptight. You're like an open book, Edward."

"Bullshit," I huffed. "I'm not uptight and I'm not an open book."

"Oh really?" She took her cellphone out of her jacket pocket and started playing music. Without another word she stood up and started dancing in the middle of the seating area.

"What are you doing?" I laughed, shamelessly checking her out as she twirled around.

"I felt like dancing so I did." She held out her hand to me, "Come on."

"I'll pass on the dancing," I told her and she smirked. "But that doesn't mean I'm uptight or that you know anything about me."

"Wanna bet?" She stopped dancing and stood with her hands on her hips. "Five bucks says I can get at least four things right about you."

"Five bucks?" I mocked. "That's a bit of a stretch, not sure I can afford that."

"First one I'll give you for free. You don't gamble," she said. "You don't take risks like that. You want me to say something ridiculous like a hundred bucks so you can justify why you didn't accept the bet."

Whoah...

Without waiting for me to say anything she started talking again. "Starting with the obvious. You're single, recently single. A bad break up."

I pulled a face. "Of course I'm single. I'm eating pizza with a random girl out in the street on a Friday night. And ninety percent of breakups are bad."

"You're smart, technologically speaking. Maths, IT, physics, that sort of stuff. Literature and arts don't interest you because they're not black and white. You like there to be a reason and method behind everything." I stood up and tried to stop her talking but she just laughed. "You're not good with girls, probably never had to be. Shy yes, but because you're hot they came to you. You stuck with the first girlfriend you had even though deep down you knew she was wrong."

"This is stupid," I muttered.

"Shall I stop?" She smirked and took a step closer to me. "I'll take a stab in the dark and say you've never done anything wild? No drugs, no risky sex and no dancing in the street to your favourite song just for the hell of it. Only child, your parents are still together, they're happy and you're close. They aren't rich, you're not snooty or entitled but you never struggled either. You're not an asshole so you hate asshole behaviour, but you're naive and a little bit sheltered."

Holy shit. I started to say something, but she held up her hand and covered my mouth. Her hand was warm and I could smell the perfume on her wrist.

"You're hot, really really hot, but you don't see it, something that surprises me but it's not a bad thing because it means you're not arrogant, you're vulnerable in a non lame way. You make an effort because it's not all about you. Sober, I'd be leaving with more than a smile if we had sex, which FYI we're not." She moved her hand and stepped back.

"No, I remember you saying you wanted better odds than fifty fifty," I said and she laughed.

"That's right, if you're gonna do it make sure you do it right." She yawned. "I'm sorry, I need to get home. Thanks for the pizza, Edward."

And as quickly as she'd appeared she was gone and if it hadn't been for the empty pizza box on the table and smell of her perfume still lingering I'd have had a hard time believing she had ever been there at all.

Thanks for reading! Big big thank you to Dowlingnana for having a look over this and giving me the nudge to post it I was so super nervous! All mistakes belong to me but the characters obv don't. I'm trying to get some chapters written but can't say how long between updates.

Feels good to be back and I hope you're all safe and well! Take care and hope to update soon :D