BUNKER BROTHER

Written for TheYmp for the Spring Fic Exchange at Spn_Big Pretzel on Livejournal.

The original prompt was: The bunker goes into emergency, magical lockdown. The occupants are now unable to leave for 40 days

Disclaimer: I don't own them

xxxxx

***CUE CAMERA ONE***

…And it's a good evening from me. I'm Gabe O'Dicks; you may have met my brother? Great big Bag?

Anyhoo, I digress. I'm Gabe O'Dicks and I'm your host for this year's inaugural 'Bunker Brother' challenge.

One bunker, four contestants, forty days. It's gonna be biblical!

Now, you see, the thing about our contestants is, they don't know they're contestants. They didn't sign up for this. They have no idea what's going on – but, then again, that's nothing new for this bunch of yahoos.

Call it a psychological experiment; a social examination; a test of character. Who will thrive? Who will crack first? Who cares…?

I sure as hell don't!

They are the amoebas in my microscope, the beagles in my lab. They are my playthings. This is my maze, and these are my four little gerbils.

So, let's meet those gerbils, shall we?

First off, we have Dean: He's our bold and handsome big brother. He's the one that's currently trying to jemmy the doors open. His mouth has already melted the bleep machine; he's the reason why we have a 14 rating and have to air after 9pm.

Sam: He's the calm and handsome 'little' brother – in no sense of the word whatsoever, who's sitting in the library with his head in a book being all logical and trying to work out what's happened. He's the reason why we can't air too long after 9pm, because we don't want to put our viewers to sleep.

Castiel: He's the handsome – in a squint-through-three-miles-of-thick-fog kind of way – angel that's standing in the middle of the room wearing a trenchcoat that looks like it was made-to-measure for Grendel's less attractive brother. He has this kind of resting 'constipated frown'. He's the reason why our sponsor is 'Turbo-Lax™ You'll get up and go, whether you like it or not!'

Jack: He's the cute young Nephilim; desperate to be helpful but scared to get in the way. He's the reason all the sweet old ladies will watch us – because he reminds them all of their grandsons.

And, of course, we here at O'Dicks Productions, actively encourage the participation of sweet old ladies because they're all going to want to buy Turbo-Lax™.

So, pour yourself a coffee – or something stronger - pull up a seat … and join us again tomorrow for the first instalment of…

BUNKER BROTHER!

***ROLL CREDITS***

DAY 1

Welcome back!

Today we join our intrepid bunkermates, and they're still trying to figure out why the door won't open.

Dean so far has unsuccessfully used the jemmy, a lock pick, a big hammer, another even bigger hammer, an axe, the Impala's jack and an Etruscan duelling spear in attempting to open the door.

And in all that time, aside from almost chopping his left thumb off, he's achieved …

***DRUM ROLL***

… absolutely nothing!

Sam's just explaining to Dean that he's hidden the grenade launcher and is refusing to tell Dean where it is.

Dean is threatening to use Sam's head as a battering ram instead.

There goes the bleep machine again …

DAY 2

Heeeeey! I'm Gabe O'Dicks and this is day two of 'Bunker Brother'.

In the last hour, Dean has phoned nine hunters, Sherriff Mills, Sherriff Hanscum, three locksmiths, a travelling escapologist, the fire department, Giovanni's Pizzaria in downtown Lebanon, and the Busty Asian Beauties Chatline.

And guess what?

I've blocked the cell signal!

I like the way the cellphone bounced off Castiel's forehead when Dean threw it across the room.

I'm not sure Cas did though.

DAY 3

Welcome back!

Gabe O'Dicks here, and you've joined us as all four of our bunkermates are standing around the kitchen table trying to work out where the daily food ration that I provided came from.

Imma just gonna be dropping by with a bag of random groceries for them in the middle of the night, every night.

How do I do this? Hellooooo … archangel!

I mean, I'm not going to let them starve to death … what would be the point of that? The show's gotta run for forty days.

And, I'm gonna change things up now and again – just to keep it interesting. Today's ration is pizza and pie.

Castiel is advising caution as no-one knows the origin of the food; Sam agrees. Jack agrees.

Dean would agree, but he's got a mouth full of pie.

DAY 4

Hey everyone.

Gabe O'Dicks here, and in case you're wondering what's going on, here's the laugh... yesterday's ration contained decaf coffee.

It's 3 pm and the Winchesters haven't woken up yet.

Jack and Castiel are worried that they might actually be dead.

Still, at least everyone's forgotten about the lock-in for a while.

DAY 5

Welcome back.

And you join us as Sam and Dean are checking any other bunker entrances and exits; you know - the garage door, the roof hatch, and the door that once went to Oz and now leads into a closet where Dean keeps their cleaning stuff, some spare furniture and the Mama-Mia box set, (films 1 and 2, complete with bonus disk of extras and karaoke numbers), that he categorically denies owning.

And they find …

*** DRUM ROLL ***

NADA! Nothing, nought, nix, bupkis, zip, zero. Absolutely sweet FA. They're every which way locked in.

…

…

I really need to check whether this bleep machine is insured.

DAY 6

Hello everyone.

I'm Gabe O'Dicks, and as you join us, Sam's retreated back into the library and is trawling the Letters' files to see if there is anything to explain the apparent lock-in.

Dean's trawling the Letters' vault to see if he can find where Sam hid the grenade launcher.

Sam's hidden it in the salad drawer of the refrigerator.

See, I always said that boy was smart.

DAY 7

Gabe O'Dicks here, and today I've given our bunkermates a ration of pulled pork and Mexican bean burritos.

Castiel has sent Jack to his room to hide out for the rest of the day, explaining that although he's an all-powerful Nephilim, he's still half human and needs oxygen to survive.

DAY 8

Good morning bunkerbuddies.

It's 8 am and Castiel has set his mind to the conundrum of the lock-in.

…

…

Now it's 10 pm, and they're all still locked in. Castiel appears to have got sidetracked by Netflix.

And I can tell you from personal experience, Lucifer has never looked anything like as suave as that.

Ever.

DAY 9

Good evening viewers.

You join us just as the bunkermates are having a discussion…

"Dean, there's something real weird going on around here."

See, I said Sam was the smart one.

DAY 10

Gabe O'Dicks here!

Good morning everyone, and as you join us another discussion has been taking place…

"Hey Sam, I thought I might take the Impala out for a drive today…"

"Dean, have you forgotten? We're locked in!"

It's been three hours and Dean still hasn't stopped twitching.

DAY 11

Welcome back!

Today, I thought I'd try something healthy for a change. So, today's ration is kale and beetroot salad.

Sam looks like he's won the Lotto, and Jack looks curious – he wants to give it a try.

Dean has eaten the paper bag it came in.

DAY 12

Good evening, I'm Gabe O'Dicks, and this is 'Bunker Brother'.

Big Brother Dean has spent the entire day deep cleaning the kitchen.

And he still hasn't found the grenade launcher…

DAY 13

Welcome back. You join us on a very uneventful day.

Actually, it's been really, really boring, so I thought it was time for a bit of fun.

While Sam was taking a shower, I spirited away all his clothes and replaced them all with a rabbit onesie.

Now the four stooges are more baffled than ever.

And Dean's decided he's never taking a shower again.

DAY 14

Good afternoon Bunkerbuddies, thanks for joining us once again!

Since the onesie episode, Sam has taken to wearing a pair of Dean's sweatpants and his T shirts.

Do not adjust your settings, there is no issue with the sound, that crackling sound you can hear is the seams popping as he moves.

Dean isn't aware that Sam found something else when he went rummaging through Dean's laundry pile looking for suitable clothes.

And Sam couldn't resist trying them on.

He kinda liked them.

DAY 15

Hey! I'm Gabe O'Dicks and this is 'Bunker Brothers'!

Now the bunkermates finally seem to have accepted that they're not getting out through the doors any time soon, so Sam and Dean have taken it upon themselves to tunnel their way out.

They've gone down to the dungeon on the basis that it's the lowest point of the bunker. Of course, it hasn't registered that the dungeon is specifically constructed to stop prisoners tunnelling their way out…

It's been twelve hours, and so far they've got through half an inch of concrete, three pickaxes, two masonry hammers, at least one toenail and, oh yeah, there goes the bleep machine again …

DAY 16

Welcome back viewers!

After their exertions yesterday, Sam and Dean can't move today. Cas is cooking the rations, and today's ration is pizza.

Castiel has 'joked' that this makes him the pizza man. He thinks this is hilarious.

Dean thinks he needs to bleach his brain.

DAY 17

Hello! I'm Gabe O'Dicks, and you're joining us as the bunkermates are playing a board game to pass the time. They have been teaching Jack how to play Clue.

I'm not entirely sure Castiel gets it, either. Observe…

"… all I am saying, Dean, is why would Professor Plum carry a length of lead piping, which is hazardous to his health, into the library in order to despatch someone when he could do so just as effectively with a well-aimed hardback copy of the entire works of Shakespeare? After all, he's a professor, so he'd know where all the heavy books are…"

Dean's already on his second bottle of whisky.

DAY 18

Welcome back Bunkerbuddies!

Today our bunkermates still haven't figured out why the bunker is locked down, and Sam is feverishly researching every moment he gets. So I thought today was a fun day to cut off their internet access.

Sam's pulling the bunker apart trying to figure out why the wireless has gone down.

Dean's pulling the bunker apart trying to remember where he stored his paper porn collection.

DAY 19

Hey! I'm Gabe O'Dicks – thanks for joining us again!

Today our bunkermates are doing a bit of stock control. Between them, a stack of six toilet rolls sits on the table…

"I'm sorry. I've searched the whole bunker, and this is all I could find."

"Thanks Jack, we'll just have to be … economical, won't we Dean?"

"Yeah. This is gonna get weird…"

DAY 20

Good morning, and welcome back to … 'Bunker Brother'!

It's 7am and it's quiet in the bunker. Castiel and Jack are sitting at the table with a pile of books between them still trying to figure out the lockdown.

Let's go visit the Winchesters in their rooms…

There's Sam, he's already out of bed and working out. I'm impressed - it looks like a small car that he's bicep curling there. Well, I guess maintaining that Adonis physique is a pretty labour-intensive commitment; amirite?

Right, so moving on, now there's Dean. I think he's doing his exerci… OH.

Okay, move along now. RIGHT NOW. Nothing to see here!

DAY 21

Hey! I'm Gabe O'Dicks. This is 'Bunker Brother' and I'm bored.

So I decided to give the Impala a new paint job - hot pink; d'y like it?

I got the bleep machine an extra battery – just in case.

….

I probably should have got two.

Xxxxx

…AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR…

Turbo-Lax™ guaranteed results! "It'll get you going, when nothing else can…"

Don't believe us?

To prove the efficacy of Turbo-Lax™ we've put a dose, or maybe two, in our bunkermates' rations today.

xxxxx

DAY 22

Hey! Thanks for joining us.

Uhm, I'm afraid things are a little, um, 'explosive' today.

We'll be back tomorrow…

We hope.

DAY 23

Good morning Bunkerbuddies.

You join us after a trying couple of days, and Castiel is concerned.

"Dean? Sam? You haven't been out of the bathroom in two days. Are you alright?"

"Dean? Sam? Answer me… it sounds like the Battle of the Somme in there."

"Jack told me to tell you there is no more toilet roll."

…

"Dean? Sam?"

…

"Cas, give us your trenchcoat."

DAY 24

Good evening, and welcome back!

The Winchesters have slept all day. BOOO-RING!

Castiel has spent an hour trying to explain to Jack what's been happening over the last two days. He somehow managed to achieve this by not using any embarrassing or vulgar words, nor making any references to biological functions or bodily fluids.

Now Jack's asking who Montezuma was and why did he want revenge on the Winchesters, because he wants to smite the bastard.

DAY 25

Well, hello! I'm Gabe O'Dicks and you join us as the Bunkermates appear to be throwing a bit of a tantrum!

Dean and Sam have sworn never to eat any of that 'creepy shit' that magically appears on the kitchen table every morning and have vowed only to eat what they can find in the larder.

Huh, there's gratitude for you!

So, welcome to today's Bunker Brother episode of Masterchef, where Dean will be serving up Lucky Charms with ketchup.

Tomorrow, will Sam be preparing rollmops with Demerara sugar? Baked beans with cranberry sauce?

Who knows … the suspense is killing me!

Sam eating baked beans will kill everyone.

DAY 26

Welcome back. This is a momentous day in 'Bunker Brother'…

Dean has found the grenade launcher!

In his desperation to find something edible to go with his spam, he ventured into the salad drawer.

Sam's hiding in his room while Dean's busy at the table trying to pick bits of grated carrot out of the mechanism.

There's steam coming out of the bleep machine.

Jack's never seen the grenade launcher. He was heard asking Castiel, "what sort of vegetable is that?"

DAY 27

Hey! I'm Gabe O'Dicks, and you're watching 'Bunker Brother'.

Dean still hasn't managed to completely 'un-carrot' the grenade launcher ready for use.

He has threatened to insert a carrot somewhere where Sam would never be able to un-carrot himself either.

DAY 28

Welcome back Bunkerbuddies!

Just for jolly, today's ration is a bacon cheeseburger with French fries for Dean, a caesar salad for Sam and a premium cherry pie for dessert.

Oh yes, with a few bottles of beer thrown in for good measure.

Dean keeps casting glances over to the bag as he eats the half-tin of Spaghettios that Sam has prepared.

Have you ever seen that look a starving dog gives you while you're eating your steak …?

DAY 29

"Hello viewers. So, it's 2 am and I'm in the bunker's kitchen, just dropping off tomorrow's rations and …"

"Oh …hello Castiel."

"Gabriel."

"Well, look, it's been awesome catching up, but I really must be going, I mean look at the … Dean? Sam?"

"Hey douchebag."

*sigh*

"Okay, I'll bite. How did you know it was me?"

"Yesterday. Sam found a candy wrapper you dropped in the kitchen …"

"Ah."

"Yeah, as soon as we saw that, we knew this fiasco had your freaking stink all over it."

"You have such a poetic way with words Dean."

"So, c'mon then, asshat; what the hell has been going on? Why did you lock us in?"

"Oh I don't know Sam…? Lemme see, uh – because it was fun?"

"Fun? We've been locked in for over four weeks, and YOU THINK IT'S FUN?"

"Damnit Dean, calm down, think of your blood pressure. I've been providing you food and keeping the bunker oxygenated. I've been looking after you – show some gratitude!"

"I'll show you the toe of my boot!"

*Pfft* "Anyway, It's not only me that's been enjoying it!"

"Whut?"

"Well! You, my friends, have been the stars of my new internet reality channel – Gabenet. Think Big Brother meets the Truman Show. One bunker, four occupants – twenty-four hours, seven days a week for forty days!"

"You've been filming us – and you were going to do it for forty goddamn days?"

"Yep!"

"And posting it on the net?"

"No – of course not Sam, what do you take me for?"

"Oh, thank Chuck for that!"

"I've been livestreaming it."

"WHAT?"

"Wait … how many people have been watching this crap?"

"Oh, Dean, not many. Well, not in the beginning anyway, maybe about thirty…"

"Thirty? Damnit, still I suppose at least that's not too man… wait; where exactly have you been filming?"

"Oh, all over the bunker, Dean."

"What about that night when I … I came into the kitchen to get a drink of water and …"

"…and you were buck-ass naked?"

*Ahem* "Well, I was hot."

"Oh, you sure were – our viewers thought so, anyway. That was a great night, our most requested rerun moment. Our viewership went through the roof after that night! We're up to ten thousand now!"

"YOU *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*ING *bleep* AND *bleep* *bleep* WHEN I *bleep *bleep* *bleep*"

"Like I said Dean, soul of a poet."

"Wait a minute, how did you do all this? How did you manage to override the door locks, ventilate the bunker and zap in and out with food? The bunker's warded against archangels."

"Good point Sam, but wrong. It WAS warded."

"Was?"

"Well, what can I say? Those times you took me into the bunker, after the *ahem* Asmodeus debacle, my grace was low, so low in fact that I was able to just tweak the warding without being affected by it."

"Why the hell did you 'tweak' the warding, douchebag?"

"Well Dean … I never knew when I might need immediate access to the bunker again. At first, I admit, I had self-preservation in mind, but now, I'm recovered, full on archangel again, so – what can I say? Entertainment's the name of the game! And the game is called … BUNKER BROTHER!"

"Yeah? Well this game's up. Asshat. You can unlock the bunker, tell us where all the cameras are and give me my damn clothes back."

"Oh Sam – you look kinda cute wearing Dean's clothes – I never knew you had such a well-turned ankle. Well, two actually."

"And you can turn the Impala back as she was before. I want my girl back to black NOW!"

"And don't think about zapping away because while we've been talking, Castiel's reinforced all the archangel warding. He's left just enough leeway for you to tidy up your mess, but you're not going anywhere unless we say so."

"Yeah, and you can let Sam know the details of your stupid livestream – so he can get online and take it down."

"That's right, I'm gonna … well… wait Dean. Let's not be so hasty; I've got a better idea…"

xxxxx

"And, good evening from me. I'm Gabe O'Dicks, and I'm your host for season two of the 'Bunker Brother' challenge.

One bunker, one contestant, forty days. It's gonna be boring.

Because these morons have LOCKED ME IN THEIR *bleep* *bleep*ING *bleep* DUNGEON, ON MY *bleep* OWN FOR *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* FORTY *bleep*ING DAYS *bleep* *bleep* AND *bleep* I *bleep*ING HATE THIS! *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*…

xxxxx

"Sam, did you put fresh batteries in that bleep machine? I think we're gonna need them."

xxxxx

end