Author's Note:

This episode always fucking gets me, especially John's nightmare about Rodney dying — I can go back through my tweets from the past 5-6 years and every single time I watch this episode, I write a super emotional tweet about how it tears right at my heart. So, in a way, it's unsurprising that this would be my first McShep.

I've been procrastinating a lot on my PhD comp over the past year, which has also resulted in me writing some more fanfiction in the last year than I have in the past decade. This has been especially true during the pandemic, because well, it's hard to focus on academics at home, but as I'm rereading all my AO3 bookmarks, I'm feeling particularly inspired. So, I finally decided - after many years of shipping and reading McShep - to give a try at writing one.

This idea popped into my head only maybe...2 hours ago at most, and immediately I set to writing it. I might also have cried.

I also realize that I have not posted on here in a LONG time. I haven't written much in YEARS, and when I did get back to writing, it was all RPF so I stuck to AO3. However, I figured that there may still be an audience here for Stargate Atlantis, so I decided to cross-post this one.

The Hardest Part is Letting Go of Your Dreams

The panic, the sound of the monitor flatlining, voices everywhere, his own heart stopping, the—

John slammed into his own body, sitting abruptly as he came out of the nightmare, panting in a cold sweat and struggling to control his own breathing. It had been weeks since the alien entity had plagued their nightmares, since he and Rodney had destroyed his own doppelganger in his own nightmare, and yet he couldn't stop thinking about it. The nightmares wouldn't stop, he was continuing to relive the moment when he realized that Rodney had died, and he wasn't…

Coming back.

Gulping, John closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. One, two, steady. In and out. Hold it. One, two.

It took a couple minutes before he could slow his heart rate back down and feel…normal again. Well, as normal as he could feel, given the circumstances. He wondered if anyone else was still feeling aftershocks like this. After all, the entity caused them to experience their worst nightmares, that had to be traumatic for many of the victims. He knew Rodney had been having the whale nightmare since childhood, perhaps Rodney would understand best how to cope. But he couldn't possibly talk to Rodney about this, not about having to watch him die every single night. No, that would just be…a bad idea.

But John wasn't the only one who had to watch someone die in his worst nightmare. How had he forgotten that? There was someone else he could talk to about this. In the morning, of course, when everyone was awake. He couldn't possibly wake people up in the middle of the night just to fix his problem, that wasn't—

And yet, he was already wearing pyjama pants and halfway down the hall by the time he came back into himself, and cursed. Well, no going back now.

Perhaps the most unsurprising part – despite that he hadn't wanted to wake anyone and attempted to use that argument to keep himself from doing anything – was that she was awake when he knocked on her door. There's no way that she could have roused from sleep and answered the door so quickly, a questioning look on her face as she softly asked, "John?" He shook his head at first – what could he possibly say? – but she must have been able to read his panic, because she stepped aside and told him to come in.

She led him to her bed and sat him down on the end, taking a seat beside him. "John, is there something the matter?" she asked him patiently.

God, how could even begin to explain? He didn't talk about his feelings, and besides, he was the military commander of Atlantis. He was supposed to be the strong one. He wasn't supposed to have any weaknesses, any—

But what did he even come here for if not to talk to her about it?

"I'm sorry Teyla," he began. "I didn't mean to disrupt your sleep." He could tell she hadn't been asleep, but it was the principle of the matter. However, she just shook her head. "I was not asleep. Actually," she thought for a moment, "I have been having trouble sleeping as of late. Have you been having trouble sleeping, John?"

Was he that transparent? Did he have "nightmares" stamped across his forehead? He couldn't—

He came here in the middle of the night. Why else would he be there, if he hadn't been having trouble sleeping? He really had to stop overthinking these things.

John nodded. "Yes, I've been having…nightmares."

She was not at all phased by his admission, or at least, she didn't show it. "Tell me about them," she suggested gently.

There was not much to tell – and he told her that, he began with, "There's not much to tell" – but somehow, he found himself explaining everything in much more detail than he even remembered. He began with the situation that started this whole thing – the alien entity, the nightmares, going into Rodney's dream to save him, Rodney dying – and made it back around to the recurring reminders every night, having to watch Rodney die every time he closed his eyes. He could feel his heart rate increasing the more he thought about it, but she must have noticed, because Teyla's hand on his shoulder helped bring him back to the present.

Finally, he asked, "How do you do it? I know that you dreamt about…your father. How do you deal with reliving that memory?"

"I suppose it helps that it is a memory," Teyla began, keeping her hand on his shoulder. "I was there when my father was taken and while sometimes it happens differently in the nightmares than it actually did, I can remember it. And I have long since reconciled myself with the fact that he is gone and not returning, and that it is my responsibility now to look out for those close to me, to prevent – if I can – the same thing happening again."

She stopped for a moment before continuing. "It is…harder now, that my people have been taken. I sometimes feel like I have failed in that responsibility. But I know we will find them."

He hadn't even thought of that. Christ, Teyla's whole people had been taken. She had experienced far worse than he had and here he was, worrying in the middle of the night about a nightmare that hadn't even happened. There were far worse things happening in the galaxy right now, to people on his own base right now, and he could only think about Rodney and Rodney dying and how he couldn't continue if Rodney died and—

Fuck, he was so selfish.

"John." Teyla interrupted his thoughts, looking at him intently. "It is not your fault. We are all experiencing hardship right now, you are allowed to feel—"

"I need to be stronger! I need to…be able to…I can't…" He wasn't sure why he couldn't string together a sentence, and wait a second, was that a tear splashing down onto his pyjama pants? Was he crying? John Sheppard doesn't cry, this wasn't him.

Teyla put her arms around him and pulled him into an embrace. The movement was comforting and he couldn't help just sobbing out onto her shoulder, letting out every bit of grief that he had been experiencing over the past several weeks since the entity had shown him that nightmare. He shuddered as more tears came – more tears than he ever knew he could produce – and she continued to hold him like the good friend that she was. He was so lucky to have these people in his life and he didn't do know what he would do without them — without Teyla, without Ronon, without Rodney.

As he began to come back down from his cry, she spoke again. "I think, if Dr. Heightmeyer were still here, she might tell you that you are troubled because we put ourselves into danger every day and there is always a chance that you might return home without one of us."

And god, Kate. He had forgotten about Kate, and poor Teyla, having to be the one to find Kate…

"Then why no nightmares about you dying? Or Ronon? You're my team, you're my best friends, I don't want to lose any of you."

There was a sad but knowing smile on her face – as much as she could manage, given the circumstances – as she told him, "I think you know why, John." And she wasn't wrong — as much as he didn't want to lose anyone, Rodney was a whole different ballpark. He would feel as though he failed if he lost Teyla or Ronon, he would feel as though he didn't do his job right and of course he would miss them – it would tear him apart – but Rodney…god, would he even be able to come back and do this at all if he lost Rodney? The tears threatened to return, but John sniffed and was able to hold them back.

"How do I…?" He wasn't even sure how to ask, what to ask.

"You do what John Sheppard does best," she told him simply. "You keep trying. That is all he would ever ask of you."

He nodded, but before he had time to think of how to respond, there was another knock at the door. Teyla let go of him and called for the visitor to enter. John was surprised to see Ronon standing there, looking both his normal self but also showing a bit of awkward vulnerability, as though he didn't feel comfortable.

"Hey," he began, looking at the two of them sitting on the bed. John's face must have given away that he had been crying, because Ronon seemed to relax when it appeared he was not the only vulnerable person in the room. "I couldn't sleep. Thought I'd come and see if you were okay. You okay?" He had obviously come expecting only Teyla to be there, so she tilted her head in agreement. However, he was looking at John – every obviously upset John – so he also nodded. "Yeah, buddy," John responded, "I think I'll be okay."

Before Ronon had the chance to move away from the entrance to the room, another knock sounded on the door. Teyla nodded to him, indicating that he could answer it, and nobody looked more shocked when it opened than the man on the other side.

"Ronon! Sheppard! I…" Rodney stuttered, appearing to think over his excuses. "I can come back, I just—"

Teyla cut him off with a smile. "Please come in, Rodney."

The scientist entered the room awkwardly, obviously feeling uncomfortable that he had gone to Teyla for help and had interrupted what must have been some sort of…well, John wouldn't presume to imagine what Rodney thought was going on, but he did note the other man's face as he took stock of the room. When his eyes landed on John – red-faced, tear-stained John – he almost seemed to crumble, John could barely continue looking at him as the sadness in his eyes reached unbearable depths. Christ, the man was sad because John was sad — what a circle this situation was turning out to be, huh?

"Come here, Rodney," he suggested to the other man before he could think too much about what he was doing. He opened up an arm and Rodney came to sit beside him, letting John hold him close. Ronon crossed the room and took a seat on Teyla's other side, where she placed a hand on his shoulder and leaned in to touch foreheads with him. As she brought her head back from Ronon, John threw out his other arm around Teyla and drew her close to him too. Ronon seemed to get the hint, because he wrapped one of his giant arms around the three teammates beside him, engulfing everyone in some sort of group hug.

The look on Rodney's face when his eyes again met John's – the shock mixed with knowing, the fear mixed with affection – suggested that maybe, just maybe, John wasn't in this by himself. But no, of course he wasn't — they were all in this together.

And if John held Rodney a little tighter than anyone else, lips brushing the man's temple when Rodney leaned in closer, then well…

He would do his best to make sure that his nightmare never came to pass.