Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors.

Author's Note: First time writing a Warriors oneshot! I love multichapter stories but this idea kept hitting me in the middle of the night until I decided to write it. This story is very different from what I normally write but let's hope I did a good job.

This oneshot is mostly Jayfeather's reflection on reincarnation. Note that this is tagged angst. Some more serious themes, heavier topics, and darker thoughts will be strongly implied but not explicitly stated. This includes but is not limited to depression, gender dysphoria, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, emotional numbness, identity confusion/ crisis, self-deprecation, guilt, murder, learning disorders, developmental disorders, brain death, and selective mutism. You have been warned. I know this is triggering for some people. It's not detailed or intense but if you're sensitive, this may not be the story for you.

Also I'm using some headcanon used in other stories of mine. I've written Jayfeather so many times that it's a given. This story references a character in one of my other stories (Vigilstorm from Nightmare Before Sunset) a couple of times but it's not important. Some of the themes are kind of similar to my story Falling Feathers but, again, not important. This is a standalone oneshot.

Anyway, enjoy!

Who was he anymore?

Wait, no. Was that right? Was he even a he? The cat couldn't tell. Everything was just kind of blurry right now. Physical awareness was something that wouldn't be coming back anytime soon but somehow he felt right. Somehow, that remained a constant through endless lifetimes of life, happiness, and pain. He'd been countless cats in his time but some things just stuck with him.

He'd been a sharpclaw, a medicine cat, a warrior, and a leader; a tom, a she-cat, and sometimes something that wasn't quite either; a brother, a sister, a mother, and a father; a tribecat, a loner, a rouge, a kittypet, and a cat of every clan… He'd had more names than he could remember. So many that each of their identities became blurred and indistinct. No longer was he Jayfeather or Jay's Wing or even any of the titles or nicknames the stars' prophecies called him. He certainly didn't feel like the sharp-eyed jay anymore. He didn't feel like anything. He just… was.

Jay's Wing, guide to the Ancients; Jayfeather, leader of the three; Vigilstorm the lost spirit; Springkit the graveless; Fernbird, mother to ShadowClan's bravest; Stagstar, leader of SkyClan; Dawnecho, mediator… Those were his favorites. He cherished all the cats he once was but their memories didn't give the same blissful rush of identity that they used to. Was he even those cats anymore? He'd been so many cats since then that even their memories were fading.

It was rare that he remembered his past lives at all let alone all of them. Most of his lives were spent living like any other cat and usually he was content that way. Then something would happen and the memories of the past would come flooding back and then he would die, replaced with whatever came next. Whoever or whatever he'd become. He didn't know who that cat was. Was he even a cat? That was the largest constant between all these lives, even more so than his pronoun preferences, but he didn't know if he could call himself a cat anymore.

Afterall, what kind of cat was cursed to live this many lives?

Because it was a curse. Surely he was being punished for something like Rock and Midnight. Speaking of them, he hadn't seen them in a long time. Had their curses of eternal life been lifted? Had they found peace? He hoped so. They deserved it. The thought gave him some hope. Maybe he'd find some relief one day. The time of respite between lives wasn't nearly enough.

Born again and again. The pain of kitting, the confusion of new life, coming of age, finding his place, falling in love, growing old, dying… It was a beautiful cycle that lost its appeal. Now, it was exhausting. Watching his loved ones die, feeling time take its toll on his body, suffering bodily pains, fighting pointless battles- it was so tiresome. He wanted it to stop. The first time, he'd been grateful for a second chance at life. He loved being Jayfeather. But starting over this many times? It felt wrong and unnatural. He was a cursed spirit, twisted and recreated so many times that he was losing all sense of self.

Curse was such an ugly word but it wasn't ugly enough. Every cat lived through some kind of tragedy in their lifetime. It was inevitable. Some lives were harder than others but each and every one had some kind of pain. Jay's Wing's life was stolen before he could find his home, Jayfeather's family was torn apart, Vigilstorm was wracked with anxiety every waking moment, Springkit died in pain in front of her siblings, Fernbird watched her mate and sons drown, Stagstar lost his last four lives at once in a fire, Dawnecho had to live the guilt she wasn't able to stop the clans from going to war…

His favorite cats. He was them yet he was not and he loved them like friends. It was strange, he knew, but it'd been so long since he walked in their pawsteps that it would be odder if there wasn't a disconnect. His connection to them and their lives was so personal yet impersonal at the same time. He loved them and it hurt more than he could bear to know just how much pain they held. And for all that pain to be stacked…

He didn't love all parts of himself. There were some he hated too. Frogpaw, killer of kits; Slickfur, third leader of the Others; Bramblepath, prankster gone too far; Flippleap, traitor to her clan; Blackclaw, exile... Those were the ones he hated the most. His love for his favorites couldn't outweigh his hate for the worst of them.

He was ugly inside and he didn't have a word strong enough to explain it. Curse didn't even come close to describe the turmoil inside him. Pain from good cats, guilt from bad cats… Even the cats he didn't deem good or bad were part of him and they had their own intricacies. Each and every one of them added another stone to the crushing weight in his belly.

A curse couldn't describe him but it could explain him. There were just so many thoughts, feelings, and memories storming inside him. It wasn't right.

Why could he remember?

There had been a pawful of times where he'd been kitted with memories. It was bound to happen with how many times he'd been reborn. Sometimes, he only remembered a few lives. Buzzardsong remembered Jayfeather and Jay's Wing, Crowsight remembered her previous life as Jumpinghawk, Strongleap remembered a few deaths and nothing more, Seedpaw remembered all of his favorites at birth and remembered all of the worst ones as a warrior… But never before had he remembered this many.

He could remember Jay's Wing falling for Half Moon. He could almost feel Jayfeather's stick under his paws. He could tell it was Vigilstorm's unease that thrummed under his pelt. He could recall exactly what Springkit's littermates' favorite games were. He remembered Fernbird's joy when her kits began to suckle for the first time. He recalled what it felt like for Stagstar to receive his nine lives. He knew Dawnsong's favorite hunting spots. He loved these cats, he really did.

He could imagine Frogpaw lying in his favorite sunning spot. He remembered when Slickfur made his first friend and how happy he was to have another cat at his side, even if that cat wasn't a clan cat. He could remember how happy Bramblepath was when he made a cat laugh. He knew how much Flippleap loved giving kits badger rides. He could recall how Blackclaw learned to wake up early to hear the bird's songs. He hated these cats but it was impossible to remember that when it came down to it, they were just cats.

And there were so many more. Memories of hunting patrols and clan duties filled his mind, dotted with moments of joy and pain. The most mundane memories to the most life changing, they were all there. Seeing the mountains for the first time, catching his first piece of prey, falling in love, knowing both motherhood and fatherhood, the responsibility of leadership- He remembered all of it. Deaths, disasters, freak accidents, illness, rejection, mistakes- He remembered that as well.

His thoughts were just so scattered. The feelings storming in his chest were complete chaos. There were so many of them, rushing over each other and overlapping. They were there and he could make heads or tails of them.

He was just so tired.

Mentally, physically, he didn't know. He couldn't move. He remembered being kitted so he knew he was alive, not in the silent limbo he lay dormant in between lives, but he couldn't conjure an ounce of willpower.

He could hear the mewls of his littermates but he didn't have the energy to even flatten his ears and block the noise out. Eventually, his body moved on its own and he let his instincts take over. He didn't want to suckle but his belly was rumbling so he had to eat. He didn't want to sleep but he was tired so he did. Everything was so routine at this point that he didn't even need to think to do it.

Wakefulness and sleep were plagued with memories. He recalled brief moments of so many lives. It made the future look… dull.

He just wanted it to stop.

He didn't want to fall in love. He didn't want to hunt. He didn't want to make friends. He didn't want to be happy. He didn't want to be sad. He didn't want to feel anything. He didn't even want to go to Silverpelt and live his afterlife.

He just wanted it to be over.

He stopped eating. He didn't lift his head to look around when his eyes opened. He ignored his littermates' efforts to play. He was practically dead in his own body.

"Lightpaw?"

"Yes?"

"Can you take some borage to Ripplefern? You've been sorting herbs all morning. You deserve a break."

Lightpaw looked up from the pile of dried poppy seeds at his paws and glanced over his shoulder to blink at his mentor. Spiderstride was binding some bundles to tuck into the medicine stores. Lightpaw frowned at the sight of her. She looked busy and just about ready to drop from exhaustion. She was far too old to be doing this much work.

"Are you sure you don't want to do it?" Lightpaw asked, tilting her head. "You've been working longer than I have."

Spiderstride waved her long tail and shook her head. "These old joints can't keep up with all those kits. You'd be doing your mentor a favor if you checked up on all of them."

"Woah, you said I'm taking boarge over. Now you want me to give them check ups?" Lightpaw purred good-naturedly. "That wasn't part of the deal."

Spiderstride rolled her eyes in amusement. "Get out of here, 'paw. Just give them a once over. Most of them have too much energy for their own good."

"Most?"

Spiderstride hesitated. "I'm worried about Batkit. He… You'll see. Maybe he'll respond to you better than me."

Lightpaw frowned at the doubt in Spiderstride's voice. It wasn't like his mentor to be so… pessimistic? Was that even the right word? Maybe. It was worrisome but Spiderstride didn't seem overly concerned. How bad could it be?

Wordlessly, Lightpaw gathered a few borage leaves from the herb stores and headed out of the medicine den. A few of his clanmates dipped their heads or waved their tails in greeting as he passed. He dipped his head in response but wasted no time making a beeline for the medicine den.

"Lightpaw!" a brown furred kit squealed as he approached. Three kits abruptly stopped their game of mossball and dashed up to him. "Can you play with us?"

"Emberkit, Haykit, Mudkit." Lightpaw set down his herbs and purred at them. "Sorry, no time. I'm just here to check up on you three, give these to your mother, and head back to my den."

"Boring!" Haykit complained. "I don't want to get checked!"

"It will only take a few heartbeats," Lightpaw promised. "Just want to make sure you don't have any scratches or anything like that. You'll be back to your game in no time."

Haykit and Mudkit began whining loudly but Emberkit just sighed and padded up to Lightpaw. The apprentice sighed in relief and shot the young she-kit a grateful smile before nosing her over. She giggled. "That tickles."

"Sorry," Lightpaw said and turned his head so his whiskers weren't in his face. As promised, he was done in a few heartbeats and moved onto the next pair of kits. "Haykit, you're fine. Mudkit, you've got a nick on your ear. Nothing I can do about it but make sure all of you are careful with your claws. I don't want any of you tearing it."

"We will," the kits chorused and Lightpaw gave them a firm nod before picking up his herbs and padding into the nursery.

"Ripplefern?"

The queen looked up from her nest. "Lightpaw? Oh, are you here with some more borage?"

Lightpaw nodded. "Yeah. Spiderstride thought you could use it. Any reason you're in here instead of out there watching your kits?"

"I have to…" Ripplefern trailed off and looked down. Lightpaw followed her gaze only for his eyes to fall on a small, still form beside her.

Lightpaw cocked his head and blinked curiously. The tom was thin and unmoving. If he couldn't see the rise and fall of his breaths, Lightpaw would think he was dead. He couldn't see any reason for the odd behavior. The kits' blue eyes were open and he was covered in healthy, fluffy kit fur. Why wasn't he out playing like his littermates?

Lightpaw glanced at Ripplefern and saw the worry shining in her eyes. Love but still worried. "Has Batkit always been like this?"

Ripplefern nodded and took a borage leaf in her teeth. "When he was kitted, he was a bit slower than the others but then he just… stopped."

"Stopped?"

"Stopped eating, stopped squirming… I don't know what's wrong with him," Ripplefern said, shaking her head sadly. "He won't eat but I can hear his belly rumbling. And he almost never takes naps. His eyes are open but he isn't curious like the others. He doesn't talk either. He just lies there."

Lightpaw frowned and glanced at the kit. He was staring blankly at the nursery wall. His ears weren't even pricked. It was like he didn't know there were other cats in the den with him. He was so young too. Why was he like this? He'd heard of cats being born with oddities but Batkit looked perfectly healthy.

"Why don't you take a break and go outside with your other kits?" Lightpaw suggested, looking back to Ripplefern. "I'm sure they'd like to spend time with you. I can watch over Batkit."

Ripplefern looked hesitant but nodded after a couple heartbeats. "Thank you, Lightpaw. I've been so worried about him… I don't think I've stretched my legs in days."

"You've got to take care of yourself too," Lightpaw reminded. "A nursing queen's got to stay healthy for her litter."

"Of course. Maybe a game of moss ball with my kits will do me some good," Ripplefern said. Lightpaw nearly winced. It sounded like she was trying to force cheer into her voice but was failing. Badly.

Lightpaw waved his tail goodbye as she ducked out of the den and turned his attention to Bakit. The kit hadn't moved a muscle in all the time Lightpaw had been in the den. That was a bit concerning. Speaking of stretching muscles, the kit's body must hurt from sitting still for so long. Hopefully Ripplefern moved him around once in awhile.

Lightpaw winced at the thought. He hated thinking of another cat like that. It just felt weird. Wrong even. Because there was nothing wrong with Batkit, or at least he didn't think. Maybe? The kit just looked… disconnected. Like he wasn't really here. Every cat stared off into space every once in a while and there was nothing wrong with that. This was no different. Even if Batkit had been doing it his whole life. Right?

Who was he kidding? Lightpaw had no clue what he was doing.

"Batkit?" Lightpaw padded over, making sure he was in Batkit's line of sight. He waved his tail, hoping the movement would get some kind of flicker in his eye. He wasn't surprised that it didn't but he'd be lying if he said it wasn't disappointing. He sighed and gave up, tucking in his haunches and sitting down in front of him.

What was he supposed to do? The kit was non-responsive. He was just an apprentice and Spiderstride hadn't even managed to do anything. What hope did he have?

But he couldn't just give up. This was a kit he was talking about. A kit's life. Sure, the kit didn't look to be in any immediate danger but Lightpaw was pretty sure he could see a couple of Batkit's bones jutting out from under his pelt. That wasn't normal. It was ThunderClan in greenleaf! There was no reason a cat, let alone a kit, should be starving in this situation.

This was a cat, he kept reminding himself. A clanmate. A future warrior. And he'd have no future at this rate unless some cat did something.

So Lightpaw cleared his throat awkwardly and began speaking. He didn't know what he was doing or hoped to do but at least it was something.

"So… um, I'm Lightpaw," Lightpaw introduced. "I'm sure you knew that though, if you were listening to me talk to your mother. I, uh, I'm the medicine cat apprentice. Spiderstride's apprentice. She comes in and brings your mother herbs and checks on your littermates a lot. Uh… She's a good mentor. She pushes herself too hard but that's only because she cares. She's kind of old though which is why Bushstar pushed her so hard to take me as an apprentice. I know StarClan chooses us medicine cats or whatever but I guess she needed some convincing."

Lightpaw paused and glanced at Batkit. The tom was still staring at the wall, giving no sign that he heard anything Lightpaw was saying but he wasn't going to give up. He doubted anything would change but he was sure Batkit could at least use some mental stimulus. Unless he was dead. Then he was just wasting his voice.

"I wanted to be a warrior actually," Lightpaw went on. "I mean, I'm glad I became a medicine cat but I hadn't really considered it an option as a kit, you know? My littermates and I would always play fight and pretend to patrol the camp when I was younger so I just expected that to be the path I'd follow. I was kind of surprised when Bushstar announced I'd be training as a medicine cat. I wasn't really sure I was the cat for the job until I went to the Moonpool for the first time and… Well, I'm not supposed to tell anyone what I dream about but the dream barely matters. When I saw the Moonpool, that's when I knew.

"The Moonpool is so beautiful. I don't know how deep it is but the water's so clear yet you can't see the bottom. And it catches moonbeams in the most beautiful way. When you talk up to it, it's like you can see all of StarClan's might with your own eyes. It was… I don't know, really humbling, I guess, when I saw it for the first time. Spiderstride told me about it before we went but it didn't really prepare me, you know? I can't imagine what it was like for the first cat who went to the Moonpool. StarClan, I can't even imagine what cats were like back then."

If he didn't know better, Lightpaw would've sworn that Batkit twitched.

"I think you'd like it, Batkit," Lightpaw went on. He looked up, almost smiling. "The Moonpool, I mean, Actually, everything. The world's really beautiful. There's so much to see! There's the Moonpool, the highrock, the tree bridge, the lake… I guess that's not really what makes the world worth experiencing though. Like, I enjoy them and they're great and all but that's not life, you know? Sitting under the stars, watching the clouds, stepping on dry leaves, watching spiders spin their webs- it's those moments where you just sit back and experience everything that make life what it is."

A soft, nearly silent noise sounded and Lightpaw nearly jumped out of his fur. When he looked down, Batkit was staring at him, eyes focused on him and sharp as a falcon's talons.

"Batkit!" Lightpaw said in surprise. He blinked a few times, shocked, before shaking his fur and regaining his composure. "What'd you say?"

"That's not my name," Batkit croaked, voice dry and broken from underuse. He cleared his voice and tried again. "You called me Batkit. That's not my name."

Lightpaw tilted his head. His mind wasn't fully wrapped around the idea that… this was happening but he wasn't about to go silent on the kit that was finally talking. "It's not? So then, um, what is it then?"

"I don't know," Batk- the kit murmured. His eyes became glassy. "It's been so long."

"Been so long since what?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."

Lightpaw had to admit he was kind of spooked right now. His paws were telling him to bolt out of there but he kept them planted. The kit sounded so… old. Ancient even. And tired. How could someone so young look so exhausted?

"So, um, what do you want me to call you?"

The kit's gaze became distant. For a moment, Lightpaw was afraid he wasn't going to speak again but his eyes refocused, though still blurry, and he spoke. "First, I was Jay's Wing."

"Jay's Wing," Lightpaw repeated slowly. It wasn't a clan name but it was something specific and somehow that was terrifying. This kit- Jay's Wing- was he really a kit? He was behaving so oddly, unlike any other cat Lightpaw had met. Did he have some kind of special connection to StarClan? Were they speaking to him? Had they said something to him that caused this confused state he seemed to be in? "So, um, are you okay?"

Jay's Wing let out a long sigh and gave Lightpaw the most genuine look he'd ever seen. "No. No, I'm not."

He told him. He told him everything.

Well, not everything but closer than anything he'd done before.

It became a routine. Dull, lifeless eternity broken only by Lightpaw's visits. His mother and littermates would leave and he would just talk. He'd talk and talk. He'd talk about his past lives. His past loves, his past adventures, his past everything.

Some days were harder than others. Some days, the cloud enveloping his mind made it difficult to even find the will to lift his head. On those days, Lightpaw would just talk. He would talk about his training or something one of his littermates was up to. It wasn't anything new or special but to the kit, it meant the world.

Slowly, some life came back to his limbs. He was still silent to anyone other than Lightpaw but somehow he found the will to lift his head, to eat, and sometimes even to engage with other cats. He could get out of his nest and wander to the fresh-kill pile, he could follow his littermates around camp like a silent shadow, he could observe the cats around him and even manage to form some kind of bond to his home.

Not that it felt like home. He didn't know what home was anymore. But at least he felt like a part of it, even if it was in such an impersonal way.

And he was okay with that. He was a kit and kithood was a bliss. He'd had pawfuls and pawfuls of kithoods and he was fine with just floating through life as he was. But it couldn't last forever.

"Let all the cats old enough to catch their own prey gather around for a clan meeting!" Bushstar called, voice echoing through the camp. Dozens of cats stuck their heads out of their dens and trickled out into the main part of camp curiously.

Ripplefern was frantically grooming her litter, clearly prepared for what was coming up. Three of the kits protested loudly while the fourth sat silently, knowing just how much better his mother would feel thanks to one last grooming. It wasn't unpleasant and he didn't mind all that much. Not anymore.

"Today I have the honor of welcoming four kits into the ranks of our clan," Bushstar began and the gathered cats murmured softly. Four? That didn't sound right but no one seemed to dwell on it for long. "Emberkit, step forward."

The little she-cat's eyes glowed as she tore away from her mother and padded up to the ThunderClan leader.

"Emberkit, you have reached the age of six moons, and it is time for you to be apprenticed. From this day on, until you receive your warrior name, you will be known as Emberpaw. Your mentor will be Mallowleaf. I hope Mallowleaf will pass down all he knows on to you. Mallowleaf, you are ready to take on an apprentice. You have done an excellent job training Russetpelt, and you have shown yourself to be hard working and patient. You will be the mentor of Emberpaw, and I expect you to pass on all you know to her."

The tom dipped his head to his leader before touching noses with his new apprentice.

"Haykit, step forward. Haykit, you have reached the age of six moons, and it is time for you to be apprenticed. From this day on, until you receive your warrior name, you will be known as Haypaw. Your mentor will be Clovertail. I hope Clovertail will pass down all she knows on to you. Clovertail, you are ready to take on an apprentice. You have shown yourself to be a clever hunter and brave warrior. You will be the mentor of Haypaw, and I expect you to pass on all you know to him."

The new apprentice and mentor touches noses before stepping back for the next pair of cats.

"Mudkit, step forward. Mudkit, you have reached the age of six moons, and it is time for you to be apprenticed. From this day on, until you receive your warrior name, you will be known as Mudpaw. Your mentor will be Quakeclaw. I hope Quakeclaw will pass down all he knows on to you. Quakeclaw, you are ready to take on an apprentice. You have shown yourself to be a tough cat and loyal friend. You will be the mentor of Mudpaw, and I expect you to pass on all you know to him."

The two touched noses and stepped aside, almost hesitating. They knew what was coming next.

"Batkit, step forward."

Batkit- Jay's Wing, Jayfeather, whoever he was- stepped forward, numb to the confused murmurs of his clanmates around him and looked up at his leader.

"Batkit, you have reached the age of six moons, and it is time for you to be apprenticed. From this day on, until you receive your warrior name, you will be known as Batpaw. Your mentor will be Snarltooth. I hope Snarltooth will pass down all he knows on to you. Snarltooth, you are ready to take on an apprentice. You have received excellent training from Badgerfur and have shown yourself to be a persistent hunter and fierce fighter. You will be the mentor of Batpaw, and I expect you to pass on all you know to him."

"Emberpaw! Haypaw! Mudpaw! Batpaw!" the clan chanted but Batpaw could hear a touch of hesitance in their voices. No one mentioned it but he knew he was a conundrum.

"Hey," Snarltooth greeted, touching his nose to Batpaw's nose. He offered an awkward smile and paused before speaking again. "So, um, Spiderstride you have something called selective mutism. I don't really understand it and I've never had an apprentice before but I'm going to try my best to make you the greatest warrior you can be. Just try to work with me okay?"

Batpaw stared up at him for a moment before smiling faintly. He hesitated before whispering, "Okay… I trust you."

Snarltooth nearly fell over in surprise at the faint sound of his voice. Batpaw smirked at his reaction and felt a warm glow in his chest for the first time since he was kitted. In the distance, Lightpaw watched him with the proudest look on his face. Everything was going to be okay now.