"People know what they do; frequently they know why they do what they do; but what they don't know is what what they do does."

Michel Foucault

[SCHHHHH― sorry, Alex. SCHKHHHHH try again-ain. again.]

The blue in her hair was starting to fade. She couldn't remember the day (or night) she dyed it, or even why. Well, maybe she knew why. It couldn't have been long after Michael died. A few weeks, maybe months. She couldn't be sure, not entirely.

In fact, there were a lot of things Alex couldn't be sure of anymore. Like what day it was, really. Or how many versions of herself she'd put through the same Hell, even what her friends' faces looked like. She remembered Clarissa's red bob cut, Nona's bright orange sweater two sizes too big, Ren's dorky grin, Jonas's ashy breath. But she's lost the color of their eyes, even the sounds of their voices. They were becoming vague, distant figures in her psyche and she wondered how many times she'd have to do this before she lost herself completely.

She didn't want to think about it.

"Well," Ren's eager voice sounded from behind the campfire (beach fire if you want to get technical). "I wanna inaugurate this bitch by checking out the caves. Nona, wanna come?"

Alex mouthed along to Clarissa's response to Nona's response to Ren, looking out into the water and wondering what would happen if she just walked and kept on walking and just never stopped. If she could just feel the ground beneath her feet fade into nothing but the depths of saltwater surrounding her. She imagined how it would feel to be completely enveloped until she couldn't feel a thing anymore. No, no, she'd tried that before, she remembered. The Ghosts didn't like that much.

"Alex," Jonas' voice interrupted her train of thought and for a second she forgot where she was. Only for a second. "You wanna check out the caves, or . . . ?" She wished that she could do it differently. That somehow her world would bend or stretch and she could just say something else, anything else. She wished she could tell Jonas, tell him how lonely and scared she's been for the past God knows how long. She wished he could remember.

God, she hated remembering.

"Yeah, let's do it." She didn't always remember, though. There have been loops where she was just Alex and Jonas was just Jonas and no one knew what awaited them on Edwards Island that night. She missed those loops. The flashes of memory, vague like deja vu, were inescapable but at least she could forget. At least when she forgot it didn't hurt so much.

The Ghosts didn't seem to like that either.

Alex fastened her foot into Jonas' open palms and grabbed the bars of the fence as he hoisted her into the air. She jumped over and landed perfectly on her feet, so many times she's landed perfectly on her feet.

Ren ate the same 'magic' brownie he always ate and Jonas expressed the same concern he always did and the trio shared the same joke about Clarissa's undying need to stay pissed off at someone. Alex anticipated Jonas' chuckle and there it was, same volume, same pitch, same tone as always. Ren showed the step siblings the same pile of rocks and Alex tuned into the same stupid frequences on the same stupid radio to see the same light in the same stupid cave that got them into this same stupid mess the first time around.

She wanted to tell Jonas not to go inside, beg him to stay with her on the beach and just have a few drinks and take the ferry back home before the sun comes up.

It's not that easy, they'd say. It can never be that easy.

Alex looked up at her step brother who stood at the edge of the cave, almost paralyzed as he peered inside. This was a detail she couldn't remember witnessing before but then again there were a lot of things she couldn't remember. Still, she couldn't shake the unease in the pit of her stomach. So many times she's been fooled into thinking she wasn't alone in this bottomless void. She refused to let them take control of her mind, her sanity.

"You . . . okay?" She asked. He seemed to snap out of it when she spoke and suddenly she wished she never had. Jonas looked back at Alex with a slight grin.

"Yeah, yeah . . . sorry. I just - it's nothing, let's check it out." Alex's heart leapt. He'd never responded like this before, not once. Sure, her memory was completely unreliable at this point but she would've remembered this. What's changed? Better question is; what game are they playing?

Ren sat still in the sand as he tripped on his magic brownie and she had no way of talking him through it, she never did. So, as always, she followed Jonas. He always managed to get ahead of her but she always caught up right after See a Man About a Dog. But this was different. She spotted him staring obsessively at the writing on the wall, his face unreadable.

"Jonas, are you alright?" He didn't break focus this time. Instead, he inched closer to the wall of the cave, eyes dancing around each red letter scrawled into it.

"It's just-it's all so familiar." Her heart was practically pounding out of her chest now, a wave of anticipation washed over her. It couldn't be possible. This was her purgatory, her punishment, her sacrifice. They were a lot of things, but the Ghosts couldn't be this cruel.

"How so?"

He touched the cave wall this time, fingertips grazing each letter. "I feel like . . . I mean, I know it's crazy because there's no way but I feel like I've been here before."

It took everything in her not to burst into tears right there. Truthfully, she didn't know what to say. How could she explain the situation to him without causing a panic or risking him thinking she's insane or causing another damn loop.

She couldn't bare to think about it.

Before she could muster up anything to say, Jonas let out a breathy chuckle. Alex jumped at the sound, not anticipating it. For once, she couldn't anticipate anything he'd do or say. This was new territory.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm being weird. There was a light just this way I wanted to investigate and then we can get back to the beach." Alex almost let a tear slip. Almost.

"Yeah, of course. Lead the way." He buried his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

"So, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about." He starts, "You know, since we left your Mom's place-"

"Hey, it's your place, too." she interrupted. He let out a nervous chuckle. "I mean it, Jonas. You're family now, okay? So quit being weird." She playfully shoved him and they shared a laugh, a genuine laugh, and it was the first laugh she felt in her stomach in a long time.

"Thanks, Alex." He looked up at her at last, a genuine smile on his face this time. Her heart flipped at the sight. "I guess I just . . . wanted to say thanks. You know, for - just for being cool during all this. It means a lot."

"Cool as opposed to what?" She smirked.

"I don't know. I don't know what I thought you'd be but you're, like, way better. Than that. Whatever that is." There was a silence between the two for a few more minutes as they walked into the depths of the cave and Alex found comfort in the silence. Or maybe it was in Jonas. A version of Jonas that could keep her on her toes, one that felt like Jonas and not just a simulation of him. One that could remember.

It was only a matter of time until they would take this from her, though, they always did. Just when things seem good and Alex finds herself forgetting she's just a pawn in the game of a group of emotional parasites, said emotional parasites have no problem reminding her. Still, she couldn't help but submit to their game. Laughing with her step brother, having a conversation she hasn't heard a million times before. It was nice.

After some time, they reached a wall of rock with a space at the bottom just big enough to crawl through. Despite or maybe in spite of knowing what lies beyond the barrier, Alex is itching to get it over with. She ducks down and begins to crawl into the open space, ignoring Jonas' plea to 'wait up!'

"Wow." He says as he catches up with Alex. "This is awesome!" He makes a comment about the cave water-pond-thing, the twelve foot tall crystals protruding from the ground, washes of emerald and caramel and crimson. Crimson. A color Alex has grown to despise. Just beyond the crystal next to her lies the armoire, the same one she's always seen here in the cave. Countless times she's tried opening it to no avail. Everything worth seeing, it seemed, was locked and shut away. Like her.

"Pretty incredible." She mumbled to herself.

strange times indeed. hello i am back! not that anyone probably cares lmao but i've been wanting to get back into writing and quarantine seems like the perfect time to do it. also i graduated (!) which is like crazy and i'm still processing being done with school after having finished up in a weird situation where everything was virtual and nothing really feels done yet but it is what it is and i need a form of escapism so here i am lmao

to start, i don't think i'll be continuing deliverance, at least not right now. the passion and natural desire i had to write that story, as well as the love and frankly obsession that i had with the mcu, just isn't there anymore. that being said, i still believe that story is my best writing to date and i would love to maybe revisit it at some point, but for now i'm going to move onto other things. i'm most likely going to be writing lots of one shots and short story fics bc tbqh i'm terrible at finishing a story jdkjsk

if you're still on this site and you happen to be following me, thank you for supporting my writing when i was most passionate about it, thank you for your lovely comments and encouragement, and thank you for potentially following me on this journey if you happen to find me again! i hope you're all staying safe and healthy, taking care of yourselves, and letting those around you know that you love them :)

xx