Poe Dameron wakes to a cold bed and a suffocating sense of loss. He sits up blearily, sheets falling to pool in his lap, and looks over at the empty side of the bed. The sheets there are mussed too, but cold, icy. She's been up for hours then.

He scrubs a hand over his face and shivers, despite the humid air. It's barely 0630, according to the chrono on his bedside table - he can't imagine how long she's been awake if her sheets and pillow are cold enough to have lost every last trace of body heat. Poe swings his legs out of bed and pads, barefoot and shirtless, into the kitchen.

The house is quiet, still and empty. It's lacking her energy, Poe realizes tiredly, and the natural warmth she brings to a room. He starts the kaf machine and opens and shuts the door to the ice box a few times, not really processing what's in there. He's not hungry anyway, a tight knot of grief sitting low in his stomach and making him nauseous. Sparing a glance at the charging port in the corner, Poe notices that BB-8 is missing and he hopes the droid is with Rey. He studiously avoids looking out the kitchen window, not able to see her just yet. The kaf machine beeps and Poe turns his attention to it, grabbing a mug out of the cabinet.

He takes it black and the hot, bitter brew scalds his throat as he takes a sip. It sits unpleasantly in his stomach and Poe's throat closes with emotion.

Poe finally raises his eyes to the window and focuses on Rey's figure. She looks small as she kneels in the garden, head bent and shoulders rounded forward.

What's left of his heart shatters in his chest.

The garden behind their home is Rey's favorite place in the galaxy.

The first harvest season they had returned to Yavin IV to help Kes with the koyos, Rey learned she had a green thumb. Poe had laughingly explained that it didn't mean her thumb was actually green, as Rey had inspected both hands looking for color, but that she had a talent with plants - nurturing them and growing them. For a girl from the deserts of Jakku, being talented with green things was incredibly exciting.

So after their house was finished, Rey built herself a garden. Poe and Kes and Finn and Rose all helped, but the garden was Rey's domain. Twice the size of their house, Rey planted everything - flowers, veg, herbs. If she could get it to grow, it stayed.

The garden became her haven and Rey's found herself tending to it more and more lately. Usually alone, but sometimes Poe will come out and help pull up weeds and spread soil. He'll joke and laugh with her, grabbing her by the hips and smudging dirt on her cheeks when he dips his head to kiss her.

Not today though. Today she's alone, well, BB-8 is keeping her company, a silent sentry at the garden's gate while she gets her hands dirty.

She's been up for hours now, and it's been at least two since BeeBee's chirped to remind her to hydrate. The sun is barely peeking over the horizon and it's as cool as it gets on Yavin IV, but Rey really hasn't felt warm in days, so the mild chill doesn't bother her. She's in a pair of shorts, cinched tightly at her waist, and one of Poe's old Academy shirts. The soft material had once been pristine, but after years of being used as a work shirt, there were grease stains and paint stains and dirt infused into each fiber. It was soft though and so big on Rey she couldn't feel it touching her skin except where it hung from her shoulders.

Her hands work slowly and expertly through the garden, pulling at weeds and patting down soil. This is the one place she never uses the Force. Oh, she can hear the plants through the Force, but she never tries to fix something that can't be fixed. She lets the plants grow and she coaxes them into bloom with only water and sunlight and special plant food, with the occasional whisper of encouragement to the fledgling plants.

Rey gently touches the petal of a Nebula orchid. She smiles sadly at the plant and praises it, "You've done so well with the rains." The plant seems to straighten under her touch and Rey feels a spike of pride in her chest that the last bout of rain hadn't knocked the delicate petals from the hardy stem. She sighs and turns her attention elsewhere.

There's so much green, so much life.

The garden is thriving.

Coaxing life from nothing - she forces the thought from her head, clenching her jaw so tightly her back teeth grind together. Her fingers work to dig tiny holes in a bare plot of land and she drops minuscule seeds into the ground. In just a few days, they'll have tiny shoots and soon the kite plants will be floating meters above the ground. Once she's done with that plot, Rey leans back on her heels, the risen sun warm on her back. She briefly raises her face to the sky and lets the light touch her.

BB-8 chirps in the distance - she hadn't realised that she wandered so deep into the garden - and Rey squints at him. "I'm fine, BeeBee," she calls out, a lie that comes so easily these days.

The droid accepts it with a skeptical beep and rolls off towards the house, insisting that she needs water to sustain her energy. Poe's figure emerges on the back porch as BeeBee rolls up and Rey averts her eyes, her heart skipping a beat painfully. She can't look at him, can't see the broken expression in his eyes, the expression that he tries to hide from her. Her bare feet leave tracks in the soil as she heads for the patch of garden that has their growing veg.

She bites the inside of her cheek when she checks on the growing moss. She had planted it back then, back when she thought she would need it to make the moss chips that Kes promised would soothe nausea that never came. Her stomach rolls at the sight of the green plant and Rey's knees buckle, causing her to collapse onto the soft dirt.

Her breath catches in the back of her throat and suddenly, Rey's sobbing, arms wrapped around her stomach. Her tears falls fast down her cheeks and her chest is heaving. Everything hurts and she's so empty.

Warm, strong arms are wrapped around her, almost instantly, and Rey instinctually leans into Poe's embrace. She buries her face in his bare chest, sobbing like she hadn't allowed herself to sob on the day it ended. His hands are warm on her arms, rubbing up and down to increase circulation. It's only now, with his skin touching hers, does Rey distantly recognize that she's cold. She's so cold.

"Let it out, sweetheart," Poe whispers into her hair. "Let it out. Come on," he murmurs, his lips pressed against her. Rey shakes in his embrace.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she chokes out, barely able to catch her breath. "I'm sorry."

And Poe doesn't know if she's apologizing to him or to herself or the little lives they'd never gotten a chance to meet. It doesn't matter. His own tears drip into her head, dampening her hair.

He can't say 'it's okay' because it's not. Can't say 'it'll be okay' because it might not be.

But he can hold her and love her and let her cry.

Frankly, Poe's grateful that she's crying because it makes sense, it's understandable, not like the blank look that had been Rey's default expression for the past few days. Rey's hands scrabble to clutch at his waist, hugging herself into him. Poe just holds her closer.

"I don't understand," she wails. "I...I..." her voice breaks off in another sob, this one more gut wrenching than the last and Poe's stomach clenches.

"It's not your fault, sunshine," he whispers because at least he knows that's true. "It's not. It's not." He repeats himself, a prayer to the Force that she'll believe him.

Rey gasps wetly and pulls back from Poe, looking up at his face with bleary, red-rimmed eyes. Her cheeks are flushed and there's snot running from her nose. Poe brushes her damp hair away from her forehead. "Of course it's my fault," she gasps, wheezing a bit. "It's mine...how can I...I can keep plants alive but I can't...I can't give you a baby."

"Oh," Poe's heart breaks and he holds her close. "Rey, honey, it's...it's not your fault. If the...the Force wills it..." he trails off when she lets out a sarcastic scoff.

"Don't," she shakes her head. "I know...I know you want - I want one too! I saw your face, Poe, I can't - I can't keep disappointing you."

He had thought he had hidden the way his face fell when she carefully and cautiously told him about the miscarriage. He had thought he was being strong. But all the losses, they build up. Poe sighs.

"You're not disappointing me," he swears. "Of course I want a baby with you, of course, but I hate seeing you hurt, sunshine. I hate that you feel it worse than I do, I hate that you're suffering like this."

Tears falls steadily down both their cheeks and Rey curls in on herself again. She whispers a tiny, "I'm sorry," and what's left of Poe's composure is gone. He's supposed to be the strong one, the pillar of support for her to lean on, but now he's sobbing too - ugly and loud and broken. It startles them both, how hard Poe's sobbing. Rey crawls forward, hands and knees dirty, and settles herself in his lap, stroking his hair gently as Poe cries into her shoulder. They sit like that for Maker knows how long, crying together, until eventually, Poe pulls back, face and neck red with shame.

"I'm sorry," he says, voice cracking. He scrubs a hand over his face, looking old and tired. "I'm supposed to be here for you and I'm crying like a kriffing -" he cuts himself off with a snap of his jaw. "I'm supposed to protect you, and it kills me, Rey, it kills me that there's nothing I can do to protect you from this pain."

Rey cups his cheek, dirt smearing on his tan skin, and rests her forehead against his. She doesn't say anything - there's nothing to say, really - and just breathes with him. They're tangled close, limbs crossed and twisted around each other. Their breathing evens out and the tension abates, the air around them suddenly not feeling as suffocating as it had a few moments earlier. Poe's arm is heavy around her waist and grief is heavy in her heart.

"Poe?" she whispers quietly against his cheek. She feels her husband nod. "I think...could we...maybe...stop trying for a bit? I just - everything hurts. My heart hurts and I - I can't - not again. Not soon, I just -" she breaks off on a little sob.

Poe nods again, slow and sad. "Whatever you need, sunshine. We - I don't think I can watch you go through this again either," he admits softly. Rey chokes on a sob and presses her face into Poe's neck. He strokes her hair and leans his cheek against the side of her head. "Maybe...maybe we need to get off Yavin for a bit? Take a little vacation?"

Relearn what it's like to love each other without the oppressive layer of grief, goes unsaid.

"Would your dad look after my garden?" Rey asks quietly. "I don't - I need something to survive."

"He'd be honored to, sunshine," Poe replies equally as quietly, but sincerely. More of the tension leaks from Rey's shoulders and she sighs. She curls up close to Poe and he keeps his hands on her back, away from her stomach. If she notices, Rey doesn't say anything.

The sun is bright and hot over their heads and the dirt is cool under their bodies. Rey's garden grows and thrives around them and the distant chattering of the woolamanders is carried over on the breeze. It's peaceful in the garden, in Rey's sanctuary, and Poe's just grateful that she let him in.

a/n: happy star wars day! enjoy some heartbreaking damerey that made me cry while i was writing it!

also! the title means patience and faith in spanish, which i felt was fitting for this fic :)