Love Quote #13 - "I think the worst thing about life would be having to go through it without you."
Life Without You
Shane knew that smile. It was a forced smile. Even her eyes betrayed her true state. Andrea's green eyes usually sparkled with excitement, but now they were dull and lifeless. Her voice cracked unintentionally when she spoke. Shane didn't understand why Andrea tried so hard to pretend to be happy and act like everything was okay when she was falling apart inside. He knew her just as she knew him. There was no point in acting, especially since they were everything to each other: best friends, partners, and lovers. Andrea had been wearing that worn smile lately and he knew why—but he wanted to hear her say it. Putting words in her mouth would only make her more upset.
"You been all by yourself, Drea. Let's talk." Shane put his arm around Andrea's shoulders and pulled her close to him.
They were lying together side by side on the king-size bed in their bedroom. It was memory foam with many pillows to lie on so that they could be comfortable. Andrea played with a crystal mermaid figurine and didn't respond when she heard Shane or when he squeezed her shoulder. She glanced at him briefly when he called her name again and then went back to turning the figurine over in the light, watching as it reflected the colors of the rainbow. Shane lay beside her and ran his hand through his hair—his usual way of relieving stress. The interesting thing was that there wasn't much to be stressed about these days.
It had been several months since finding the high-rise in Baltimore. For the most part, their life was pretty good. They had cleared out several floors that had walkers, covering many individual apartment units. Thankfully, there were no lingering occupants. It seemed as though once the outbreak hit Baltimore, everyone had abandoned the city. Or maybe there were survivors holed up in different buildings in the city. Sometimes they found walkers and people who had already been attacked by walkers, or people who "opted out" by committing suicide. For the most part though, it was just them. Their new home was a blessing because it happened as Shane imagined it—they had ample supplies. They could go to any of the ninety-four units to pillage for needed items. Their unit had a master bedroom and another room to store supplies. They had a spacious deck that they used in case they wanted personal space and which offered a gorgeous view of the harbor.
Speaking of personal space, Shane considered granting that to Andrea. When he first returned to their bedroom after breakfast, he had found her playing around with the crystal mermaid figurine. Andrea had found it on the fourth floor and had pocketed it when they had cleared out a unit full of crystal figurines set in a glass case. Someone had been an avid collector and Shane remembered how Andrea had honed in on the mermaid figurine before scooping it up. When they eventually found the condo unit they were living in now, the first thing Andrea did was place the crystal mermaid on a shelf where she could always see it. He had never asked her about it, but he knew what this was about.
Amy.
The anniversary of her death was coming up and as each day brought them closer, Andrea became more withdrawn. Andrea often told Shane that Amy loved fantasy creatures, especially mermaids. Today, she had went to the living room and took the mermaid figurine off the shelf and into the bedroom where she kept turning it over. She barely spoke a word the entire time. Every now and then, she would sigh, but she hadn't opened up.
Shane ate breakfast by himself (chocolate pudding) in the dining area as he knew Andrea needed her space. Still, he wanted to approach this with her. He remembered how Andrea had encouraged him to talk to Otis as a way to process and release the guilt he felt about killing him. Prior to that, Andrea led by example when she spoke to Amy and apologized to her younger sister for not being there. They had made grave markers and laid down flowers for both Otis and Amy. It had been therapeutic for them. Maybe they could do something to celebrate Amy's life, instead of just grieving her death—although that was perfectly fine too.
"Why don't we do somethin' for Amy?" Shane didn't see the point in skirting around the issue.
Andrea lay still with the crystal mermaid figurine still clasped in her hands. When she spoke he could barely hear her and he had to ask her to repeat herself.
"For what?"
Shane blinked, shocked by her reply. "Thought you'd wanna do somethin' to honor her memory, celebrate her life…" He couldn't hide the fact that her sharp tone completely threw him off. Especially considering how much Andrea spoke about Amy.
Andrea shook her head. "I just need time to think about her, that's all. I know she'd want me to go on."
Shane's eyebrows furrowed in confusion now. "You been quiet for some days now. Her anni—"
"Is coming up." She held up the mermaid to the light and turned it over. "I'll deal with it in my own way, Shane."
Shane stared at her, watching as she continued to toy with the crystal figurine. Why was she pushing him away? It was strange. In the beginning of their relationship, it was Shane who always pushed Andrea away. One time, it got so bad that Andrea pushed back and gave him the silent treatment during their time in Woodbury when she was being charmed by the duplicitous Philip Blake. That situation was far behind them and in the here-and-now Shane wanted to be present for her, especially when it came to Amy. If she wouldn't let him, then he'd have to respect her choice. By now, he knew Andrea cherished her independence. She turned to him so that she was gazing at him directly.
"I don't know what I want to do. Sometimes I think I've gotten used to her being gone and then the emotions hit me all over again. It used to feel like I was drowning in grief. I got better with it, but now…" she shrugged. "I'm sorry, Shane…I just..." Her voice faltered and suddenly tears streamed down her face. She bit her lip, unable to continue.
Shane gently smoothed out Andrea's tears. "Whatever you wanna do for Amy, you let me know an' I'm on it."
"I know, but it's not that—I have this." She held up the crystal mermaid figurine. "This reminds me of her, since I have no pictures of her, no photographs."
"You got some memories though, right?" The words left his mouth before he realized what he was saying. As soon he finished asking his question, he remembered how Andrea openly expressed her regrets about not spending more time with Amy. "I always thought I had more time. I was away in college when she had birthday parties. Even on her last birthday, I didn't give her gift in time."
"Not as much as I would like." Andrea sighed and sat up. She placed the mermaid figurine on the night table. "We can do something nice when the day comes. Just thinking of her and how I miss her..." She paused and a long silence followed. "It made me think about what would happen if I lost you, Shane."
Shane sat up in the bed now, mirroring her movements and present posture. "Drea, this ain't 'bout me—"
"I think the worst thing about life would be having to go through it without you." She looked at him now. This time when the tears came again and he reached out to smooth them away, she shook her head. "I lost Amy and never made up for lost time. I never made peace with Dale." She swallowed nervously. "I don't want to lose you, Shane."
An uneasy chuckle erupted from Shane. He didn't intend to and he knew he had the same fear as she did—but he didn't want to focus on that right now. He knew the fear all too well having lost Lori and then almost losing Andrea to The Governor when Woodbury's manipulative leader almost succeeded in seducing her to his side. When Shane looked at Andrea, her eyes were wide with shock. Right away, he knew she thought he was laughing at her.
"I ain't laughin' at you, Drea. C'mere." He held his arms wide open, allowing her to fall into his embrace. "I don't know what I'd do without you either, but right now, we're here, we're together an'—"
"I almost lost you when I was blinded by Philip's bullshit. When Negan wanted to kill us after we ran away—"
"I almost lost you too…" Shane's voice trailed off.
"My life wouldn't be the same without you. I never would've made it with Rick's group. I would've tried to kill myself again so I could be with Amy. Or I would've done something stupid that would end in my death—I know it." She sighed again, exhausted by the emotions weighing on her. Her body felt heavy.
"But you didn't, Drea. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for."
A nervous laugh erupted from Andrea. "You think so?"
"I know so. Reverend Shane is my witness."
Andrea playfully pretended to remove his arms, gently pushing him away. Of course, Shane had a firm grip on her body—just as he had on her heart. Thanks to him, she was slowly coming out of her sadness. What she appreciated most was that he gave her the space to grieve and be alone when she needed it. He was kind to remember about Amy and thoughtful to offer celebrating her life since the anniversary of her death was coming closer.
"You're Reverend Shane, silly!"
Shane gently squeezed Andrea, maintaining his protective embrace. "I am, an' you're…um…" He stared at the ceiling, trying to come up with something off the wall. "You're that sexy-ass nun I wanna bang. Always hidin' her gorgeous body under that outfit—that habit!"
Andrea laughed some more and then became quiet. "Thank you…I needed that." She wiped her face where more tears had escaped. "These last few days I was buried in sadness."
"I know." Shane became serious again. "That's why I thought we'd do somethin' nice to honor her. It's up to you, Drea. No pressure, jus' know I'm down for whatever."
"Thank you. I'll let you know about Amy, but back to us," Andrea paused as she ran her hands along his muscular arms that held her. "We're here now, we got a good thing…" Her voice trailed off.
"Nah, we ain't got a good thing—we got a great thing! An' you know what?"
Andrea shrugged as if to say "what?"
"It's only gonna get better. Remember what I told you when we were in The Sanctuary?"
Andrea opened her mouth to respond and then closed it. She waited for Shane to say it.
"You have me an' I have you..." He squeezed tighter.
"Long as we have each other we can survive this place," Andrea's voice was firm now.
Shane nodded, glad that she remembered. "We can get through anythin' together, ok?"
Andrea gave a curt nod. "Okay."
They spent the rest of the afternoon in each other's arms.