Just A Little Love Tap
E/B Crack! Fic
AH and ALL humor (with a little silly romance thrown in for good measure
Rating: M for ridiculous amounts of euphemisms about the male anatomy
Beta'd By: the absolutely wonderful BitterHarpy

Bella and I have always been the type of couple to lovingly give each other shit. Pranks are considered as just another way to say, "I love you, you asshole." Neither of us ever took it too seriously and it added a lightness to our relationship. You have to trust the person you're pranking though, because payback is always right around the corner and you don't want to be involved in a prank war with someone who's a little too aggressive with it.

Just ask Emmett. His wife Rose actually put him in the hospital with a bad attempt at greasing their kitchen floor to make him slip and fall. Well, he did just that, but he also cracked his head open after it bounced off said floor. He did end up getting an insane amount of sympathy blowjobs and in Emmett's eyes that made it worth it.

So, Bella and I usually stuck to harmless pranks. Usually. We did enjoy embarrassing the shit out of each other on a regular basis though.

Just last week Bella had snuck up behind me and pants'd me while I was in line to buy a hotdog from my favorite little vender by our condo. The amount of time it took to place all the bullshit I had in my hands onto the small counter in front of me so I could yank my shorts up was incredibly embarrassing.

It was a small miracle that Bella had chosen a weekday for her prank. On the weekends I liked to free-ball it and air the boys out. On the downside, it was laundry day so every person behind me got a great view of my ass in my seen-better-days, holey-as-fuck, tighty-whities.

Regardless of the fact that I'd received more than one catcall, payback was going to be a bitch and my darling wifey had it coming.

I just had to bide my time and plan my attack well. No more child's play like hacking her Facebook with questions about hemorrhoids or complaining about itches south of the border. While hilarious, you could only insinuate about your spouse's itchy neither regions so many times before the fun wore off or before your balls started begging you for mercy after she junk-punched you one too many times.

No, this prank needed more sophistication. And strangely enough, I got my brilliant idea from watching questionable porn. Save your judgment, I know I'm not the only one doing that shit. We've all been porn-surfing and out of "holy fuck, I've seen this exact butthole fifteen times!" boredom, you click on one of those categories. You know, the ones you never really want to watch but curiosity gets the better of you and you end up bingeing knock-off hentai porn.

It started off innocent enough, the dude is giving it to this chic pretty good and they're both fake moaning and loving it, when all the sudden the guy pulls out and smacks his lady friend in the face with his dick.

Now, I know my wife. While Bella has been known to get her freak on every now and then, I highly doubt she'd appreciate me stopping mid-coitus to dong slap her. That would be guaranteed pussy lockdown and I love my penis too much to do that to it.

So, I need a slightly different approach. I needed to be stealthy and maybe catch her off guard and wank-whack her. I could wait until she's sucked into a good book, completely zoned out and then BAM, schlong slap her. After the shock wears off, I'm sure she'll see the humor and we'll both get a good laugh out of it.

Probably. Hopefully.

My patience finally pays off one Tuesday morning as I'm getting out of the shower. There's my Bella, sitting at her computer, headphones in her ear and completely unprepared for what's about to happen to her. Hell, I'm already naked, how can this be any more perfect?

I quietly make my way over to her, standing slightly to the side of her as I let my towel drop to the floor. I take a quick step to the right, giving my dick a good firm handshake and murmur, "Hey, baby…"

Nothing. Zero reaction from the missus.

I clear my throat and Bella waves her hand behind her to shoo me away. Aww, love you too, honey. This time I not so tenderly poke her, with my finger for now, on the shoulder and say louder, "Babe!"

Bella lets out an exasperated huff and starts to turn her head towards me. With her cheek in the perfect position, I aim and cock spank her against the right side of her face.

It was beautifully executed. The head grazes her lips, half open in shock, and my balls double-tap her chin. Bella makes a strangled sound, her eyes filled with shock and a shit-ton of anger. I quickly pulled away before she could cause permanent damage to my favorite appendage.

I was laughing so hard my dick was bouncing and in my own self-amusement, I missed Bella's face turning red from a whole other emotion. Embarrassment.

"Sorry, Baby, but you had that coming!" I chuckled, tying the towel back on my waist with a loose knot.

"Edward…" Bella's voice was strained, and her eyes kept darting to her computer.

"Oh, loosen up, babe, it's not like you haven't had my dick in your face before or your..." My little speech was interrupted by a high-pitch squeal from Bella as she wildly gestures in front of her.

I didn't understand what all the fuss was about, it was just a little love tap from my cock-a-doodle-do, it was kind of sweet, I thought.

That is until I finally looked at the computer screen Bella had been so engrossed in before Dick-Slap Gate.

There they were in all their glory. My parents, our best friends, Bella's mom, and last but certainly not least Charlie Swan, who looked like he wanted to reach through the screen and rip my dick off and beat me to death with it.

Holy mother of fuck.

I'd just whipped my dick across my wife's face in front of my father-in-law! The same man who already seems to think I take up too much valuable resources by breathing. And here I go, and love tap his daughter with my dick right in front of the man. The man who has access to too many guns and likes to fish in deep lakes where he could hide my "too-good-to-breathe-the-same-air-as-his-precious-little-girl" body.

"Oh…oh fuck." My heart was beating double-time and I had a major case of swamp ass. This was NOT going how I planned. I had envisioned Bella being annoyed at first and then us both laughing together about it and eventually ending the day with some grab-ass that lead to sexy times.

This was NOT going to lead to sexy times. This was going to lead me straight to the pussy lockdown I was worried about before.

"Bella Marie Swan-Cullen, just what in the hell did I just see? That boy better keep his little pecker…"

Me and my NOT little pecker were both offended.

"Oh, my Goodness, Edward! I did not raise you to be such a… a… pervert!"

Oh, mom, if you only knew…

"Dude, you just willy-whacked your wife on Skype in-front of the Chief! I promise to say nothing but good things about your penis at your funeral, man!"

Thanks, Emmett…I think.

"Oh my! Mazel Tov, Bella!"

My penis and I are both scared of Renee.

"Eww, I just saw my brother's junk! I'm going to need so much therapy, Jazzy!"

Hate to break it to you little sister, that's not the only reason you need it!

"Ok, enough, we have to go. We need to… discuss a few things. I'll call you all back later with the news I was gathering you all on here for. When Edward is fully dressed, we'll call you back and… and… and hell I'll just call you all back later!" Bella huffed, her speech flustered and her face an alarming shade of red.

"So, ugh, that happened. I love you so much, you know that, right, Bella-Bee?"

"Oh, you! Don't you EVEN try to be cute Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!" Oh, fuck me, both middle names? I glance down at my penis and whisper, "Sorry, ole chap, no cave of wonders for you for a while!"

"Would you stop talking to your dick while I'm trying to yell at you? Your dick is to blame for this whole cluster-fuck and all you can do is have a pow-wow with it? You're lucky it's still attached!" Bella fumes, making her fingers into scissors and miming snipping at my crotch.

My dick is currently trying to recede like a turtle into its shell. Save yourself, buddy, I'll handle the little woman.

"Babe, it was a joke! How was I to know you had the whole fam damily on Skype? You really think I wanted my mother to see my dick? Or, fuck me, your dad, who is probably plotting my death as we speak?" I swayed a little at the thought and fell onto the couch behind me, fanning my face.

I was going to die over a dick joke. And that mother-fucker Emmett was going to have etched onto my tombstone!

Bella rolled her eyes, probably thinking I was being a melodramatic asshole. But I was legitimately afraid for my twig and berries and oh yeah, my life.

"Stop being a melodramatic fuck-wit!"

Well, I was close.

"Do you even know what you've done? Of course, you don't! You probably got the idea from some stupid porn video and thought that cock-thwaping your wife sounded hilarious. You probably even thought I'd find it funny enough to do you afterward!" Bella scoffed, dropping down onto the couch beside me.

"You're scaring me, babe…" Was I that predictable?

"Oh please, you're so predictable when it comes to possibly getting your dick wet. Which will NOT be happening anytime soon!" Bella looked down at my crotch scathingly and I covered myself on instinct.

Well, looks like I'm not the only predictable one, honey.

"Why did you have everybody on Skype anyway? Is there some family get together or reunion I don't know about? Oh shit, I didn't forget Nana Masen's birthday, again did I?" For an old lady, my Nana can still whoop that ass.

Bella's face turns bright red and she begins to fidget with her sleeves, pulling them down and over her fingers, a sure sign that she was nervous about something. Or more to the point, hiding something.

I placed my hand over hers and tugged on the fabric, "Out with it, Fidgey-McFidge."

"That makes no sense and who says I have anything to "out" with?" I could have done without the "quotey fingers" just as I'm sure she could do without the "judgey eyebrows" as she calls them, but she's getting them anyway.

"It's your tell, Bell. So, you might as well spill whatever dreadful secret your hiding or girly event you're planning to make me suffer through. I'm sure it can't be as bad as…"

"I'm pregnant. We're pregnant."

"Say wha… come again?" I made sure to clean my ears really well with my finger, cause it sounded like the wifey said…

"You knocked me up. I've got a bun in the oven. I am with child." I placed my hand over her still-running mouth and just sat there stunned. We had been trying for over a year and we had just recently talked about seeing a fertility specialist and now this? Pregnant?

"I preggo'd your eggo?" My lips curled up into a half-smile and Bella snorted from behind my hand. I took it away and let it fall to her still small stomach.

"You're a complete idiot, but yes, we're pregnant. I got everyone on Skype, and I was going to tell them so we could plan a big reveal for you, Daddy." Bella's eyes grew softer as she laced our hands together on top of her belly.

"You can never use that word in bed again, it's going on my hard limits." I cocked an eyebrow at her, and she giggled and nodded. "But really… pregnant? Have you seen a doctor?" I was still a little worried about getting my hopes up.

"Yes, skeptismo, I was late, peed on one of those damn sticks, and then went and saw Dr. Pattinson just to make sure. We have a follow up with him on Monday to see how far along we are and to get more information. I wanted to wait to experience all of that with you." Bella's smile was blinding, and I couldn't help echoing it with one of my own.

"A baby? I can't… God… I love you, so much, Bella." I pressed my lips to her forehead, and she whispered her love back to me.

"Now, we have to get them all back online, without your dick making an appearance this time." Bella winked at me to show she wasn't mad anymore.

"You think the possibility of a grandchild will keep your father from dumping by body in a lake somewhere?"

"I think you'll be okay."

I looked down at lap and softly patted my crotch, "Good job, buddy, you saved the day. You knocked up the old lady and you saved us both from a horrible death. Poontown may be in your future sooner than we thought!"

"Umm, Edward, Skype's back up…"

Well shit.