Cover art by NDGD.

But i'm sure you knew that, dear reader.

Roman Torchwick doesn't like useless people.

That should be obvious. Dust, and the art of stealing it, needs a certain quality. He'd want men in good suits and tie, with big guns in hand, and taller than most doorways.

People needed to fall in line and follow his lead, too. Otherwise the quota's their bitchy-boss plans out wouldn't get done... and nobody needs a degree to understand something as basic as that-

"I-I...!"

Somebody whined, while a can of beans spilled onto the placement floor.

"I don't like beans!" They cried out. "I don't like them at all!"

Roman - and also Neo - stopped their walk down the empty street. Well, mostly empty.

They then focused in on this... homeless boy sitting on a side-bench. Eyes blinded by tears and mouth covered in a shit-brown bean sauce dripping down his dirty face. The whole thing's a sight for sore eyes.

Oh, great.

He saw the boy move his can of shitty brown beans off to the side. As he curled into himself and wheezed out a ugly sob in his lap. The kind only a single mother on welfare could love.

Why's this homeless kid sitting by the street, lookin' like a dust junkie? Roman frowned. They're usually in the alleyways or something-

The kid's sheath answered his question. It was a stupidly familiar chunk of metal. The gold-white deign glowing under the shattered moonlight.

See, Roman remembers train wrecks well. Especially those with money who, in their stupidity, figured to give hardened criminals thousands of lien notes.

So there's no mistaking it: this was that 'Jaune Arc' kid from earlier. The absolute retard who gave them his mother's Lien-credit card for Beacon transcripts. Who he hasn't seen for weeks until right now.

At least, he'd think so. The matted blonde hair and frayed hoodie with a bunny on it looked the part. Though Roman doesn't remember seeing the kid's hoodie in full either...

Roman kept watching this boy cry tears of bean-caused misery. The bean sauce on his face likely a reminder of eating it no doubt. Like the aftereffects of a literal shit-eating session, which amused Roman a whole lot.

Well, it also disgusted him, but eh. Roman's got high tolerance for people so useless they're harmless. If not yucky to look at.

So, that's exactly what he did, he looked at this failure. Kids who got accepted into Beacon wouldn't be sitting here, head in hand, crying about beans, after all. While their sword lays off to the side without a second thought.

And actually, he might've used it for opening the goddamn can itself. The blade's covered with brown sauce...

Roman shook his head. Neo kept silent, unreadable too.

"Hey, kid."

The boy blinked those tears away. Trying to control himself.

"O-Oh..." the boy sucked some up stray snot. "Hello...? Can I help you?"

"'Don't know, can you?"

The boy thought about that… and chuckled. A weak and sad sound, that sore losers make when there's nothing they could do with themselves.

And he did this to nobody but himself. Geez.

"No sir... I'm a failure."

Another chuckle. It proved Roman's point.

"I'm a failure and liar and cheat i-in a bad world of bad people… a-and I... I don't have what it takes to do what I've always wanted to do. My transcripts weren't good enough for Beacon and-"

Then, the boy's eyes cleared up.

Roman knew this because they widened, big. They're reddish blue and full of stupidity. Also surprised.

Which makes sense. Seeing the guy who sold you shitty transcripts tends to bring out the unsavory stuff. Like bitterness, and future punishment for attempted murder.

Or, as Roman knows it as, his life on a daily basis.

"You!" The boy pointed at him with wide eyes. "Y-You're Roman Torchwick!"

"That I am." He tipped his bowler hat. "How's it hanging over here, kid?"

"Y-You..."

The boy looked down at his hands. Smudged and greyed to the fingernails as they were, he liked staring at them.

It weirded Roman out to no fucking end, though. Poverty is a horrible yet familiar thing for him. But that's not important right now.

"Those transcripts... they didn't work."

Jaune dug into his big hoodie pocket and pulled out a tiny envelope. It's got the green of Beacon, with a silver cog on it's back, that most first years get themselves delivered.

Whether they make it or not.

"They gave me a letter of disappointment, Roman!" The boy whined. "'Said I'm lucky they won't be pressing charges! Don't you know what that means?!"

"Eh. Maybe." Roman shrugged. "Why don't you tell me yourself-"

The boy did.

"It mean's I-I'm a failure now, man!" Those dirty hands clenched in misery. "I can't be a huntsman!"

"...You sure buying a spot at Beacon doesn't make you a failure on the spot? Or a bad person-"

"I would've tried to be good!" This boy was a defensive brat that whined on his own behalf. "I couldn't ever get myself to train before, b-but now I...I totally could! I don't know for what anymore but I could."

The boy took a deep breath, gulped something down, and went on.

"'Cuz if I could, uh, you know…eat beans thrown into the trash...?-"

"Uh-huh?"

"Then I can become somebody who'd stop people from having to suffer like this." He gulped. "F-Forced to dig through dumpsters, like-"

"Wait-wait-wait. Hold on." Roman cut him off. Feeling the headaches already. "Let's rewind this a little bit, yeah? You did what now?"

"I-...Oh…uh, yeah, I've been out here awhile." The boy scratched his neck. "Surviving and all that… there's lots of places to find leftover foodstuffs lying around."

The boy wrapped his dirty arms over himself. Not bothering to meet Roman's tired eyes.

"I eat the raviolis 'n stuff outside the apartment complexes down there. See?"

The boy nodded towards the alleyway with the big-ass dumpster in it. From there - and Roman crinkled his nose at it - a huge sewer rat started sniffing by. It's like a plushy grey clump of vacuum fuzz you'd throw in the trash.

"When I dig long enough, sometimes I find some goodies. But only the ones without moldy bits... there's lots of gross stuff like that, and I really don't wanna touch it if I can."

…

…

"Roman?" He saw the kid ask, eyes nervous and worried. "Roman Torchwick, sir? Are you listening-"

Roman's frankly done with this shit, and the boy who's either way made himself smell like it. So Roman spoke his mind.

"You aren't mad about my forged transcripts not working?"

"E-Eh? W-W-Well...I..."

The boy gulped again. Likely a nervous tick, as he scratched behind his neck. Also likely a nervous tick.

"I guess I used to be but... it makes a lot of sense now? I think...? You're just doing what you're supposed to do."

"And that is?"

"Um... being a criminal who does bad stuff to people?"

Roman squinted, Jaune chuckled again.

"...Eh."

Roman conceded the point, and saw this kid's struggle for what it was. The boy failed Beacon's stress test and had't a dime to support himself, leaving him here, foraging for food like a little gremlin child. So, Roman's gonna make use of some hard earned wisdom and leave this boy to his sad devices.

Sometimes it takes struggles without a real purpose or guide to 'em, so that failures become winners. The whole 'masculine struggle' most boys these days don't get. The stupid shit failure's like Jaune oughta use to straighten himself out with.

To be somebody that'd stop being such a failure, or if not, the reverse of that. Of getting good at living the cheating bastard's cheap life.

It's what Roman did at least, so maybe that's be good compensation? Just some tough love for a weak boy?

Yeah. That sounds good. He likes it.

"Well, from what I remember, that's as... whadda call it?"

Roman paused for a moment then snapped his fingers.

"Oh, right! 'un-nuanced'. It's as un-nuanced a view as any, so I'll leave you to it."

"...Okay….? To what?-"

"Constant pain and suffering."

He told the boy the truth without a second thought.

"Lots and lots of pain and suffering in every moment you could have it."

Roman's pulling out another cigar now, and he turned away from the boy, a lighter in his hands.

"I think you'd best do this hobo scavenging for a few months. Then, after meeting a few meth-heads 'n dust-dunkies 'out in the field', maybe you'd oughta get an actual job somewhere. Minimum wage is still a wage, and will make you appreciate not being homeless."

He shook his head.

"Trust me when I say poverty does some heavy shit to ya psyche, kid." And he's not lying here either. Wouldn't dream of it, especially with somebody so goddamn useless. "It'll make you more an animal than any beast-man going 'round the streets. Pain's the greatest equalizer-"

Roman isn't looking at the boy, but he heard the bottom feeder shifting in his seat. Like he's got any chance against somebody as strong as Vale's greatest and only gentlemen thief.

Really, this kid's a damn fool not even Beacon deserved.

"Wait, I change my mind!" The boy tried, showing off his true colors, that aren't shit brown and sad. "Can't you give me a refund?!"

"Nope."

"Why-"

He turned back to the boy, and annoyingly, saw his angst there.

"Because of the reasons you just told me about." Roman put his fingers up and curled them down, for extra effect. "I'm 'a criminal' sort of guy, right? So why, mind you, would a 'criminal' give a sapper like you his mommy's lien bucks back?"

"Be...Because you, u-uh…" Jaune scratched himself again. "Have a code?"

"Oh, I do?"

"Well yeah!"

The boy was confident on this one. Still looked half-way to tears, though.

"If you're so successful at being a baddie, then wouldn't you have a code of conduct? You know… codes of stuff that say what's honorable or whatever?"

"And you think it's honorable to give a failed cheater his money back?"

"You made me fail! The transcripts didn't work!"

"I never said any product of mine would pass a stress-test by Ozzie and his dominatrix."

Roman's iching for another cigar now, thinking he might choke the stupid outta this boy for his own good. Not per say a tough love but tough justice.

"You took that risk yourself and now you're paying the price. It's not my fault somebody else's shit gamble falls off the deep end."

Jaune's getting up from his seat.

"But you-"

"But you, kid..."

Roman glared into the boy's eyes and sent him back on his stupid ass.

"Are the shit results of a shit life. The only reason why you cheated the system is because you can't handle the system."

That flinch in the boy's eyes told Roman all he needed to know, and he capitalized on it. Like a real cheater oughta do. The kinda one who'd play over the cops while making lien-bucks by the thousands.

"So, if you wanna stop being a failed cheater… how's about you don't deal in illegal business at nightclubs, yeah? Unless you'd like to start taking responsibility for your own actions?"

He raised a brow at the boy.

"And maybe not give strangers your mommy's lien?"

Jaune frowned to himself, eyes searching his hands.

"...I-I didn't have a choice. She would've told me to stay home. How could I get to Beacon if-"

"By doing the goddamn work yourself, you limp-dicked brat." He growled at the boy. "But no, you're too busy for that right? 'Crying about some stupid' beans and not improving yourself..."

Roman's done debating this homeless reject, so walked off and dug for a cigar.

"Matter in fact, I'd recommend you think about this failure a good while. A cheater's failure mediation if you will."

He growled this at the boy, eyes no longer on him but squinted into their quiet city, as he joined Neo's side once again.

"Because, kid, you'll see yourself holding the small end of a wish-bone real quick. And let me tell ya... that'll make you realize what's 'true' is actually falser than any Beacon transcripts I could ever fuckin' forge ya. So get to it."

The boy didn't say anything after that, but Roman didn't care either way. He came to Neo's side with a small strut and ignored looking back at the boy. Not an ounce of sympathy in his money-thick soul. It's why he instead turned to his walking buddy.

"You ready to go?" He asked her. "We don't have much to do today, but-"

And then she smiled.

Not her usual one. The kind of 'happy' expression he remembers seeing on her face... after beating something or someone half to death.

The face of a mad-woman. Who likes the pain and suffering of those less fortunate than her. For no other reason but that she fucking could.

It's the look of psychopathic enjoyment that he used as reason to keep her around like a bodyguard.

As, if he was honest, she's got lots of shit to offer him in their dog-eat-dog world. So he takes her perspective into consideration more often than not-

But then she literally pranced herself to the boy.

Roman watched, and bulked, as she took a seat. Shoving the spilled bean can to the side, then scooting herself closer, until they're near shoulder to shoulder.

"Neo?" He called out as the boy tightened up. "What're you-"

She gave him a mad look for the first time in almost two weeks. A serious one, that'd be, where she looks ready to put her skills to the test against him.

While he kept his mouth shut, Neo looked back at the boy. Seeing his matted blonde hair and frayed clothes for the first time. As, courtesy of bad timing the weeks prior, she wasn't present for this kid's romp at Junior's bar. So she's never seen this cheating failure in the flesh before.

Yet she didn't judge him, or some rational shit other murder women would do. No… she instead smiled nice and pretty for him, much to the boy and Roman's confusion.

"H-Hello?" The boy weakly asked. "Uh…'Neo'? Are you 'Neo'?"

She nodded, stroking a hand along the boy's shoulder, left to right. She's making herself and him comfortable with touching each other. Roman could see it in her eyes, she knows how broken people work.

"Okay…" the boy watched her hand do it's work. "Hi? My name's Jaune."

He took a deep breath.

"Jaune Arc. Short, sweet, rolls off the tongue, ladies might love it, a-all that good stuff..."

And then he rubbed at his neck. His yucky, stinky, and unsanitary neck that probably has diseases on it.

"My mom said not to do the whole introduction thingy, but I think it's pretty nice to actually say. 'Specially to girls and..."

She just hummed along and moved her hand up into his hair. Her eyes all on him, curious and interested.

Roman felt a headache coming on more than ever.

She shouldn't be ogling this kid…

Yet here she was. Hand roaming his scalp, as the boy himself flinched at her touches. Like a plastic toy made for a twisted mind

...And then things clicked into place-

But Roman couldn't say anything right now, too busy staring, as Neo cupped the boy-toy's chin. Using her other hand to pull out her scroll while she looked deep into the boy's eyes.

Jaune gulped.

"Is your full name Neo?"

She shook her head. Jaune blinked.

"O-Oh... then should I still call you Neo?"

She paused and looked away, yet came back with that smile.

"O-Okay then… hi Neo." The boy tried smiling too. "Whatcha doing over here?"

She's typing on her scroll phone. Her hands no longer ogling the boy's face, leaving him to hover over her typing fingers. Looking as lost and confused as Roman felt himself.

Several seconds later went by, though, and Roman saw the boy' flush. His dirty-ness brightened by the phone's light, as Neo kept that smile going. Staring at the scroll with him.

"...Huh." The boy tilted his head at her. "You think so?"

She nodded and Roman's patience timed out, so he walked over to them, frowning.

"Neo? What're you doing with the kid?" He demanded, cigar in mouth yet still unlit. "I'm not takin' a walk for charity work, so why don't you-"

But then, mid-rant, Roman found that scroll in his face. Pausing himself, he looked it over, in particular the notes she's been typing shit onto.

You've got lots of potential! She wrote, and he could see her excitement, the predatory-ness. I'd guarantee we can find you a job somewhere, no~?

Jaune's staring at Roman, so too Neo. Roman's staring at this phone in annoyance.

"No…" he grumbled at these two, his fingers pinched over his nose. "No, Neo. Absolutely not. We are not having anything to do with employment, and we are not stealing homeless minors from off the streets."

Said kid bit his lip, but Neo furrowed her brows and started typing something out again.

Why not?

"Because look at him! Does he look like criminal material? Or any material not equal to 'shitty'?" Roman gestured to the boy. "He couldn't point a dust gun anywhere but his feet!"

Neo frowned at his brutal honesty and pulled this kid to her chest. Meshing his shocked and dirty face onto her, like a tender momma, and giving Roman an angry look all the while.

But Roman's kinda impressed, as she kept typing after this.

He's a soft-boy! He just needs some TLC!

She's givng him a testy look now, a brow raised, and some sort of question there.

And besides...doesn't Junior have other jobs available?

Roman - while the boy muffled his panic into an adamant Neo - thought about that. Until it dawned on him about what she's implying. Which made him let loose a long-suffering groan.

"You can't be serious."

I am!

"Are you?"

He stressed like Jaune did, just without a face full of crazy-woman titty.

"Because I don't know much about kids these days... but I'm pretty sure delivering pizza for Junior's crappy granpappy isn't a top contender for jobs he'd wanna have, let alone enjoy."

Jaune, in a burst of surprise, pulled away from Neo's chest.

"W-Wait a minute! I'm doing what?-"

But Neo's a stubborn creature, so she pulled him back into her. Shushing the boy gently and grabbing a handful of matted blonde tight in a pale grip. Her eyes glaring daggers into Roman's very soul.

He'll make it. The typing continued. He looks durable. Maybe if I train him he'll be useful to you.

Roman sighed. And, more importantly, seriously doubted that.

"You actually wanna keep him?"

She kept glaring and Jaune's face squished.

"I…"

He thought about everything up till now. How they first came out here on a casual walk and ended up finding this stupid kid at a bench. That it's ridiculously weird Neo chooses a cheater like the boy for her sympathies to mooch off of.

But just looking at the two, seeing the damn near motherly way she held him…

Roman had somewhat of an idea what her very not okay thought process entailed and it brought a frown to his face.

"Where's he gonna live?"

With me.

"Why?"

She grabbed the boy's face. Smudging her pale cheeks to his ruddier ones, uncaring of his touch. She's just happy to be with her meek and soft-minded little boy-toy.

Because... I want to make him feel good. She digitally cooed, like the child predator she was, shameless 'n dangerous. Isn't he just adorable~?

Said 'adorable' boy was currently shaking like a leaf, his eyes less reddish, but face even redder.

He's looking confused, and probably wanted an answer Roman couldn't say he'd be able to give. Let alone would give, to such a failing cheater, who's reaping what he's sowed.

...But, I can't do much now, can't I? He mused. Neo's what, like twenty five? Isn't that the age where women start settling down? Is this hidden maternal instinct, or emerging pedophilia?

On that thought, he grinded his teeth.

Fuck, I don't even know anymore, man. I've spent the last fifteen years evading federal taxation and not loneliness! Women haven't been a concern in my line of work… at least, in the 'sexual' kind've way-

But, he stopped thinking about that. His thoughts on his sex life weren't gonna stop Neo's behavior from annoying him.

Roman knows this, and knows even more that sometimes, to get people following his orders…?

I've gotta tolerate those so useful that I feel kinda slighted when they get their way. Only somewhat, though. Because Neo's too unstable to be my boss. Or of any responsibility that's not being a trained bodyguard who stabs people for me. Yikes.

Either way this made sense to Roman, and he spoke up with it in mind, meeting Neo's demanding gaze.

"Alright, fine."

She gasped. He felt the headaches coming on and pinched his nose again.

"We can bring the boy back. But!"

He added, ruining her cheer, and bringing a small pout to her face that Roman enjoyed a damn lot.

"You're gonna care for him, in every single way he'd need as to not mess with our boss's stupid plan. Alright?"

She nodded at this way too fast, so he clarified a bit.

"That means everything, Neopoliton. You're gonna have to feed, water, clean, and entertain your little boy-toy all on your own and not expect anyone to help you. Neither me nor any poor schmucks you put him around."

Whatever he'd of expected, Roman could only guess it wasn't to see Neo visibly hype herself up about that. She kicked her legs out and shifted her eye color around. From brown to pink to white to whatever the fuck.

He touched his chin.

"Whenever he's not transporting any goodies, that is. 'Cuz the only thing I'll be doing is not trying to kill him for being a major annoyance."

She gave him a shitty look, but he didn't care much and shrugged it off.

"That's your final offer. I didn't care for the kid back then, and I certainly won't now, 'specially with his mommy's money in my pockets."

Jaune, now left limp in Neo's arms, added his own shitty two cents in.

"Which I want back-"

Neo shushed her new pet, like a crazy lady would, and began typing again.

And his job?

"What about it?"

Will you care at all? About how well he does?

"Pft. Nope."

Roman cracked a sly smile at his stroke of luck.

"That's Junior's job to be. You, however, gotta go convince him to hire this stupid-ass kid in the first place." He shrugged at her pouty expression. "I'm just letting you waste your time. There's no way he'd want his gran pappy giving jobs to failures like little Jauney here."

How would you know?

"Because, Neo." He adjusted his coat and kept his head up. "That old man's business is failing by itself. It needs people who'll work hard."

And I bet Jaune could! She, rapid fire, typed down. He said he could make a difference! I can help him too! All he needs is my attention!

Roman glanced back at said boy-toy, and chuckled, as he's looking like a bunny faunus out in the wild.

"Yeah? Take it to his 'employer', i'll allow you that."

She rolled her eyes.

Oh, how generous of you.

"You're goddamned right I am." Roman stepped away as he lit himself a cigar. "Now c'mon! Bring your goodies along! You've got a barman to barter with, and I know he'll wanna see your boy-toy again. 'Least to laugh at him-"

Neo, pouty and angry for reasons that still eluded him, stood herself up. Dragging the boy to his feet, while he yelped at the strong touch nobody could've expected of somebody small as her.

Roman watched the boy - with his new owner - and smirked to himself.

...Pizza delivery it is, eh?

He puffed out some cigar smoke, hands in his coat pockets. Turning towards the road Junior's 'base of operation's at.

Welp, I hope Junior accepts that. For my sake if nothing else. Hell hasn't fury like a Neo scorned…

Yeah. So, uh, this is a thing now. I'm not sorry.

See, several months ago I had an idea. A wonderful idea, where Jaune delivers pizza and becomes a good commentary on society. Where he's like a joker figure who delivers pizza and fuck bitches.

But I want more something now. I want to make a scenario so destructive to a semi 'canon' Jaune, that he changes for the better on his own, without some sorta bullshit semblance that gives him superpowers. I want to write a fiction where Jaune is a struggling pizza delivery man babied by a maniac, and has to get their shit together.

I dunno if ill update this often, but ill keep them to around 3-5k words each. Give me your thoughts maybe.

Anyways, stay woke.