Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Xena: Warrior Princess or Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. They belong to Studio USA and Renaissance Pictures. No profit has been made from this story, damn!

A/N: After a day filled with Hercules episodes and cake, can't forget the cake, Carly issued a challenge. The Olympus Gods in therapy, the twist, the therapist looks an awful lot like a certain Warrior Princess.

~~**~~

Perfectly french manicured fingernails tapped on the page of the appointment book. She had double checked the book, gone over the notes on her laptop, and even checked her palm pilot in hope that she had recorded the date wrong. Fate was not going to be kind. In less than half an hour, Dr Xena Foster had her first consultation with the Olympus family.

It was rumoured that the family had already been through seven shrinks and successfully managed to get three out of the seven to commit themselves. That's what had led them to her, she was the alternative therapy. She wasn't a psychiatrist, she was a psychologist, ready to listen and suggest helpful coping strategies. Despite her normally open mind about patients, part of her wondered if she should book a week at a health spa just incase.

Her thoughts were interrupted by her secretary popping her head in the door, announcing that the Olympus family had arrived. With a grin and some friendly reassurance that everything was going to be fine, the secretary turned to leave.

~~**~~

Aphrodite smiled openly at the small blonde sitting at the desk, Ares on the other hand looked on with mild distaste. He was sandwiched between two of his sisters, on a waiting room couch and the day he thought couldn't get worse, just did. Gabrielle, bard from some small town that started with a P, Amazon Queen, and a pain in the behind was in the room with him.

Granted she wore a blouse and skirt, a far cry from ancient Greece and it's many fashions, her hair was neatly styled and no staff or sais were in sight but he knew; it was her.

It appeared Aphrodite and Athena also knew. While his sister, the one he liked, sat politely making conversation with her old friend, the one he didn't really like, sat snickering behind his back. She was forced to cease the annoying action when he elbowed her in the ribs, unfortunately her sniggers turned to cries.

DAD! Ares just elbowed me. She tossed her auburn curls and sent a self satisfied smirk in her brother's direction.

Be nice to your sister. Zeus didn't even bother looking up from the enthralling Cosmo article he was reading. Waiting rooms were always full of past issues and a God like him could learn a lot. He spied an article titled How to keep you man happy' and he accidentally' dropped it into Hera's lap.

The Queen of the Gods growled and shoved the magazine back at her husband. He gave her a blank look and resumed reading. The only thing that stopped Hera from reaching out and wrapping her hands around Zeus' throat was the arrival of her stepson, Hercules. Or Kevin Sorbo as he preferred to be called these days.
She almost burst out laughing at the thought of his chosen career, a thespian. Imagine going from hero to actor, it was just too funny. Plus the fact that he played himself, Jerkules: The Less Than Legendary Journeys.

He flicked his golden locks back and removed his dark sunglasses. He then proceeded to take of his leather jacket with written on the back of it. Kevin Sorbo smiled in the direction of his sisters, frowned at his brother and picked up a copy of the Women's Weekly and proceeded to scan for pictures of himself.

Ares was about to open his mouth and deliver a smart ass comment when his other brother came rushing though the door and started begging for daddy to please let him have his BMW back. The sun God simply had no concept of speed limits, most likely from all those years of going around on those air boards. As a result or one too many speeding tickets, Zeus had confiscated Apollo's car keys and refused to give them back.

Athena, Ares and Aphrodite rolled their eyes in unison, Hera shook her head sadly and Hercules sat in Women's Weekly oblivion. Zeus looked down upon his son who was currently kissing his Gucci loafers and grimaced.

I'm sorry Apollo, you can have your car back when you learn to be responsible. Zeus attempted to pry the Sun God off of his foot.

So he'll be waiting until the apocalypse then? Aphrodite mumbled under her breath which caused Ares to burst out laughing. He was only halted when the psychologist entered the waiting room.

Ares looked up and had a mini coronary, it was Xena. Her hair was swept back in a neat ponytail, she wore a simple pant suit, and Ares thought she looked as edible as the day he first laid eyes on her slaughtering innocent villagers.

~~**~~

This was Athena's cue to start sniggering again. The God of war took no notice of the stupid sound his sister was making, instead he almost fell off of the couch when Xena invited them to follow her into her office. He obediently followed like a puppy while the rest of the family hesitated.

Aphrodite took a deep breath, grabbed Athena by her arm and Apollo by his hair and dragged them after her brother. Zeus and Hera, followed by Hercules slowly made their way forward.

When they were all seated and as comfortable as they were going to get, Xena pulled out a notebook.

Do you mind if I take notes? She smiled, her whole face lit up and her baby blues almost glowed.

Not at all, Hera spoke calmly and smiled politely.

So how can I help you?

Ares is a moron, Athena interrupted.

A-h-a, is that the only reason you're here? Xena looked towards who she guessed was Ares. The dark man sat with a look of pure hatred on his face, he said nothing though.

As you can like totally tell, Athena is a frigid bitch who needs serious psychological help. Aphrodite spoke up in defence of her brother while filing her nails.

And Dad needs to give me my BMW back! Apollo added. The entire group turned to stare at the sun God and in response he just shrugged.

Okay then. Well start with the problems between Ares and Athena. Was there ever a point when you two got along?

1967. Athena smoked something and she was nice for about an hour. Once that alternative herbal relaxant' wore off she was back to her old self. Ares opened his mouth for the first time.

They used to get along as children. Ares would play with his toy soldiers, decapitating then. Athena would weave environmentally friendly caskets for their decaying bodies. It was so sweet, whenever there was trouble all you'd have to look for was a head of black curls and a head of red ringlets. Those were the days. Zeus wiped a tear from his eye and grabbed his wife's hand.

I was always excluded, no one wanted Apollo. Go play with your twin' they would say. Then when Aphrodite came along, Apollo was no longer the golden boy. They had Aphie! The Sun God broke down in tears.

Oh please! Put a sock in it sun boy, I was the neglected one. They threw fruit at my mother and called her a whore for the first ten years of my life.

Hercules, she was a whore. Jason was half her age and that didn't stop her from marrying him. Also don't you remember all of your uncles' that were always coming over to fix things? If we should feel sorry for anyone in your genetic line it should be Iphicles. Hera then proceeded to grab a cough lolly from her bag.



Your brother!

Oh, him. Whine, whine, whine, no wonder his wife slept with me.

The entire Olympus family yelled at Hercules in unison.

You preach that I'm a bad brother, ha! Look in a mirror. When exactly did you find time to corrupt the poor woman? Ares shook his head.

Hey she was already corrupted by the time I got to her!

She was your brother's wife for Gaia's sake! Athena stuck her finger in her mouth and made a gagging motion.

Well we know why she karked it, Herc..ah I mean Kev...got to her, Aphrodite then proceeded to blow a bubble with her gum.

Xena just stared at the TV superhero and raised an eyebrow. She reached for the intercom and pressed down on the buzzer. The next moment Gabrielle popped her head around the door.

Three days at retreat, book, now....I'm guessing the trust exercises aren't such a hot idea then?

Trust exercises? You mean when we all stand in a circle and have to catch each other? I want to do that. Please can we do that?! Aphrodite started jumping up and down in her seat, her blue eyes filled with mischief.

Well, I'm not......

Great! Come on, stand up, don't give me that look Ares! Mum, Dad, you two are together, Athena, Apollo, Herc..Kev and me and oh dear. Ares doesn't have a partner.

I'll sit this one out sis. A triumphant smile graced his features.

Oh no you won't! Dr Foster will catch you, won't she!

I'm not part of the family. The exercise has been designed to.....

Goodio then! The Love Goddess grabbed the former warrior by one hand and her brother by the other.

Xena stood awkwardly behind the large guy that smelt a hell of a lot like an Armani store. The very large guy that was very hot! She shook her head and looked around nervously. He was a patient, look don't touch, rules are rules. Then he fell, touching bad!

~~*Epilogue*~~

Xena Foster let the hot water of the spa engulf her. The tiny bubbles danced along her skin as she sipped champagne with her eyes closed. The health spa idea had been great, she would have to thank Gabrielle for suggesting it. Pity she never got there. Baby blues scanned the bathrooms decor and she smiled, Ares had good taste.

~~**~~

pApollo stood, slack jawed at the monstrosity in front of him. Zeus stood dangling a set of keys off of his pinky. The 20 year old yellowing Datsun sat in the driveway, waiting to be claimed. Off to his right the Sun Gods BMW lay dormant, maybe now he'd learn to slow down. Aphrodite burst out laughing as she drove off in her Merc.

~~**~~

Hera made the bed expertly. She straightened the sheets and fluffed the pillows and finally made her way to Zeus' side. On his pillow she laid a pamphlet, how to emotionally communicate with your spouse.

~~**~~

Hercules smiled for the Women's Weekly cameras.

The end