A.N: This is just a series of moments/conversations between Alfred and Batman that I have either made up or heard from somewhere that is not an official TV show or film. This is just me having some fun, it's not meant to be taken seriously, I don't know how many chapters I'll produce. This is just something for me to write when I'm bored.

B = Batman

A = Alfred

B: I am going out on patrol.

A : No you are not Master Bruce.

B: Alfred, the Joker is...

A: I do not care. It is a week day and I cannot remember the last time you took off that costume. I need you to spend just one night without dressing like a flying rodent so I can clean the damn thing.

B: I am a bat.

A: I don't care if you are a cat, your ass isn't leaving this manner tonight. Off to bed.

B: But...

A: You can punch Joker tomorrow but I will start cleaning that costume tonight. Now are you going to take it off or am I going to have to force it off?"

B: ...

A: ….

B: ...

A: ….

B: ...

A: ….

B: ...

A: ….

B: ...

A: ….

B: Fine.

A: Master Bruce please move.

B: Alfred can't you see I'm working?

A: No sir, I am working, you are brooding. There is a small difference there but I am sure that you can get it. Now get off the chair so I can clean it.

B: Alfred I am busy.

A: Fine, here is the feather duster then. I am going to go to the little men's room and then head to sleep, as I have unfortunately not been able to convince my brain or body that I am nocturnal, even though I congratulate you for doing that.

B: You want me to clean?

A: Oh yes, of course, how silly of me. You can jump off a building for a five year old and put your life and body on the line for women in skin tight outfits despite barely knowing them but how silly of me to not realise that you'd draw the line at cleaning so your elderly butler can get some sleep. First you stop me from working then you refuse to do the work yourself, what do you want from me?

B: Fine. (Sighs and get up so Alfred can clean the chair).

A: That's good now pick up the feather duster and get to work. (Turns and walks off.)

A: Master Bruce, you are aware of how males and females get together and produce babies?"

B:...Yes...why do you ask?

A: Simply making sure that I have not wasted precious moments of my life explaining it to you when you were younger. Now it is my understanding that you work with the Justice League when you are not prowling around rooftops in Gotham or partying with rich people as Bruce Wayne, would I be correct?

B: Yes but what is your point?

A: My point is that all of the women you meet are either wearing expensive clothing or outfits designed to accentuate certain parts of their bodies, with that being said why am I not a grand-butler yet?

B: Let's please not have this conversation again.

A: At this point I do not care if it has to be Poison Ivy or even Harley Quinn, just someone please before your mother rises out of her grave and demands why she does not have grandchildren yet.

B: Alfred, I...

A: Oh...do you perhaps swoop in the opposite direction?

B: No I do not.

A: Well in that case get to work, I am not getting younger.

B: Alfred...

A: Oh for goodness sakes! If you are so worried then I will take the first go just to prove that nothing will go wrong, give me Miss Diana Prince's address and I'll be back by tomorrow afternoon.

B: Alfred... (Bruce says as he arrives in the Batcave)

A: Yes Master Bruce?

B: Are you okay? You are not hurt, are you?

A: Well... (Takes a moment to tap himself to confirm he is alive and not hurt) ...I do not think so, though I do very much appreciate your concern Master Bruce. Would you like a cup of tea Master Bruce? Or perhaps a coffee Master Bruce?

B: Alfred, why is the Riddler's and Joker's dead body on my Batcave floor?

A: First of all Master Bruce, it is my floor, I am the one who cleans it after all, while we are on that topic this is my Batcave now. But to answer your question, firstly the Joker is here because he had somehow managed to gain access and enter the Batcave. Same for Mr Riddler. As for why the Riddler is dead, well that is rather simple Master Bruce, I shot him.

B: Why?

A: He had no respect for his elders.

B: And what about Joker?

A: He got my Batcave floor dirty.

B: I do not know what to do about Selena.

A: Master Bruce if you do not know what to do when a beautiful and attractive woman in a skintight outfit is in front of you then I fear you may need to work on the playboy part of your image. Though if you are looking for suggestions about how to deal with the situation then I can provide a few.

B: Of course you can, go on then Alfred.

A: Option one, arrest her but of course you already knew that.

B: Selena is a thief but she's not a completely bad person.

A: Yes I am sure the fact that she wears a cat costume and licks her lips every time you are near has no effect on your reasoning.

B: Alfred you are being a little too focused on Selena's looks.

A: Of course Master Bruce, I apologise, do forgive me.

B: It's fine Alfred but...

A: I mean it is not like I wasted years of my life, that could have been spent enjoying women, on looking after you and failing at stopping you from becoming an unstable single man in his parents basement. It's also not like I have to walk into your room every other day and find a new woman in your bed while the closest thing I get to any action is watching female supervillains grind themselves against you thanks to your body cameras.

B: I get it, I get it.

A: Are you sure? I can go on.

B: Positive, what are the other options?

A: Convince her to stop.

B: Might be possible but on the other hand she is pretty stubborn.

A: Well there is one other suggestion.

B: Yes?

A: Get her pregnant.

B: I apologise, but can you repeat that?

A: And here I thought bats were supposed to have good hearing, I said get her pregnant.

B: Why?

A: Master Bruce have you ever tried doing cartwheels and flips while pregnant?

B: No.

A: Me neither but my yoga instructor has assured me that it is not something any sensible person would attempt.

B: Yoga?

A: Yes sir, I do have a life outside of you, believe it or not. It's rather simple, she will be in no condition to steal and may perhaps start thinking differently plus you both get a child that I am sure will be both smart and beautiful while I finally get something that I can be able to call and address as a grandchild.

B: I am not going to get her pregnant.

A: Master Bruce you have fought Kryptonians, insane murderers, demons and a variety of mad men and women. I am sure that you can accomplish this simple task.

B: No, I mean I don't want to.

A: Are you sure Master Bruce? If you wish we can get the little fellow a small bat costume?

B: No Alfred, what kind of person gets someone pregnant just to fix a problem?

A: I can think of a few people.

B: Like who? Name one?

A: Me when your mother wanted to fire me.